Photo credit:  Willie Baronett

Thedailyjeff

Welcome to TheDailyJeff

Random daily musings from a randomized mind - one thought at a time

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Nerd fact:  “Vigesimal numerical system” — or 20-based — Used by the Mayans to calculate everything from child gestation to the movement of celestial bodies.  Super good for predicting the end of the world and the arrival of the Spaniards that killed them all.  #thedailyjeff

90% of the people who lived in the path of the recent eclipse voted for Trump.  This is ironic, since the last thing they wanted to do is make America darker. (NPR WWDTM) #thedailyjeff


On a TV show yesterday, the announcer said someone “drove two hours across Texas.”  Dude, in your puny-ass state that might be a long way but here it takes two hours just to drive across Dallas or Houston.  #thedailyjeff

Nerd trivia:  The origin of the term “Google” – for uber-nerds 1.0 X 10100: The number 1 with one hundred zeros behind it.  Misspelled (actually it is googel) by Stanford grad student Sean Anderson when he registered Google.com.    #thedailyjeff

This just in on solar eclipse news:  The local hospital in Redding California reported 3 people arriving with severe vision issues.  It seems that they put sunblock in their eyes thinking that would protect them as they stared directly at the sun.  If their vision recovers for the next eclipse it is reported than they will rub the sunblock on their sunglasses instead.  #thedailyjeff

Clearly Hurricane Jose is veering away from the USA.  It’s because of that border wall we built.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Inaniloquent (in.an.NIL.o.quent):   Speaking foolishly or saying silly things. “Sometimes politicians break from their current train of thought and switch to inaniloquent subject matter.” (note the word anil) #thedailyjeff

Fake news:  Trump said he pledged $1 Million for hurricane relief, but privately he is confident that he can get the hurricanes to pay for it. #thedailyjeff

Trying out the whole hipster beard thing.  The jury is still out on whether it says “Cool guy” or “Creepy homeless man.” Trending toward the latter.  #thedailyjeff 

Obscure word of the day:  Bromidrosis (Brom-e-DRO- sis):  Strongly smelling perspiration.  Example:  A soccer player’s socks and shin guards after a match.  #thedailyjeff

I, for one, like Roman numerals.  #thedailyjeff

Apparently I don't know how to use my new iPhone. I somehow took 26 photos and 9 videos of the inside of my pocket. #thedailyjeff

They say “a man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.”  So apparently if you leave me alone you'll get rich.   #thedailyjeff (J)

Fake news:  As Trump surveyed the devastation in Houston due to Hurricane Harvey, he said “We’ll, at least there was drowning on both sides.” #thedailyjeff

Extreme book summary of all the "Harry Potter” books by JK Rowling.  You're a wizard. No I'm not. Wait...maybe I am. #thedailyjeff 


My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are…But I laugh more. #thedailyjeff


“I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” (Bonnie McFarlane) #thedailyjeff

Have you ever been totally pissed off at your child, and realize that what is so annoying is that they are acting exactly the same way you do? #thedailyjeff

Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of extra work to me. Do you agree?  #thedailyjeff

 “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”  (George Carlin) #thedailyjeff

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” (Demetri Martin) #thedailyjeff

I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.  #thedailyjeff

You lost your phone and it's on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it. (An.) #thedailyjeff

News just in:  Texas Legislature just added amendment to the “Bathroom Bill” that will require trans-fats in the grocery store to have a separate place on the isle from “Regular” fats.  #thedailyjeffYou lost your phone and it's on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it. (An.) #thedailyjeff

News just in:  Texas Legislature just added amendment to the “Bathroom Bill” that will require trans-fats in the grocery store to be separated from “Regular” fats.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Abderian (ab.DER.e.an):  Given to incessant or idiotic laughter.  Given the current political situation, we have no choice but to be abderianists. 

“People inspire you or they drain you — pick them wisely.”  (Hans F. Hansen) #thedailyjeff

Thanks autocorrect...clearly "I am fanatical" is a better answer than "fantastic" when describing how I'm doing. #thedailyjeff

Look, Austin Mayor #SteveAdler.  We didn’t elect you to be our moral compass.  It’s not your job to make the city more affordable for those who can’t afford it, call for boycotting of the Wonder Woman movie, vote to repeal the ACA, or urge the police to not enforce immigration laws. We elected you to run the city efficiently, fix roads and infrastructure, make our schools excellent and spend our money wisely. Work on that first.  #thedailyjeff

You know, if a soldier risks their life for me and my country, it doesn’t matter their age, sex, color, gender, religion or orientation.  They deserve to be celebrated, not segregated by labels that are meaningless on the field of battle.  #thedailyjeff

Did you ever get the irony of these words?  MENtopause and HISterectomy (Ok, hysterectomy, but still ironic).  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Mumpsimus (mêmp-sê-mês, sounds like mumpsy – mess) - An outdated and unreasonable position on an issue... A person who obstinately adheres to old ways in spite of clear evidence that they are wrong; an ignorant and bigoted opponent of reform...An obvious error that is obstinately repeated despite correction. (Wow, is this word relevant today!)  #thedailyjeff

With the rise in self-driving vehicles it won’t be too long before there is a country song where your pickup truck left you. #thedailyjeff

 “Maybe you don't go to hell for the things you do. Maybe you go to hell for the things you don't do….the things you don't finish.”  (Chuck Palahniuk) #thedailyjeff

I just heard that wrestling is now a billion dollar industry.  You know how many rednecks it takes to get a billion dollars?  A billion.  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

Dumbest social media posts ever:  (#thedailyjeff)

  • “Does it take 18 months for twins to be born?  Or nine?” From Shelby Cairney


  • “Hard to believe that America is 2013 years old today.  Crazy.” From Ryan Loco


  • “Beyonce and Jay Z are at the anoguracetion?  This is such a great day.” From Chrystal J.


  • “Korea do not lie wen they say they will bomb.  Prime example = Pearl Harbor”  From Jonnie Ka$h


  • “Every damn year we learn about the hollow cost in school.  I’m tired of this shit.”  From @winningasskam


  • “I actually don’t like thinking. I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don’t. I don’t like to think.” Kanye West


“I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.”  Mike Tyson

“Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college.   Where you figure out two plus two is 10 or something.”  Dennis Rodman

Any time that I see someone wearing Crocs, I assume they lost a bet.   #thedailyjeff (More at thedailyjeff.net)

How come when Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave the hardware store". (An.) #thedailyjeff

There’s a new restaurant in town called Karma.  There’s no menu…you get what you deserve.

What color is a mirror?  (and for those who know me, what color is ANYTHING?)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Onychophagy (onee.cho.fagee) The habit of biting one's fingernails

I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure words of the day:  melanocomous, auricomous & flavicomous.  No, not the name of a Greek law firm.  It means, respectively, having black, gold or yellow hair  #thedailyjeff

 “Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.” (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff


Please don't post on social media that you just had a newborn baby. The newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just had a 12 year old. #thedailyjeff


Austin was just voted as having #1 worst drivers in Texas.  Yay...we’re #1! (By the way, don’t move here.) #thedailyjeff

 Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.   #thedailyjeff

I’m so stoked about my friends status updates. Going to the gym? Awesome! Eating at a restaurant?  Pursuing your career in babysitting? Rad! Going to sleep? Tell me more!!! #thedailyjeff

 Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards. #thedailyjeff

You’re definitely old when you only recognize 20% of the people mentioned in People Magazine at the doctor’s office…and you only care about 5% of them.  #thedailyjeff 

Mission Impossible? He’s done four of them now. Let’s call it “Mission Pretty Hard but Totally Doable” #thedailyjeff

The most cutting thing you can say to someone is “Who’s this clown?” because it implies that (a) they’re a clown and (b) they are not one of the better known clowns. (Skullmandible) #thedailyjeff

If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate? #thedailyjeff

I’m going to rename my Wi-Fi network to “FBI Surveillance Van #02.” That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.  #thedailyjeff

Don’t think of your errors as mistakes. Think of them as soul-crushing, embarrassing events that expose your personal weaknesses and incompetence.  #thedailyjeff

“Truth is like poetry.   And most people F*&^#ing hate poetry.”  (Quote from the movie The Big Short) #thedailyjeff

Watched a "Lifetime Movie" and feel they are aptly named….it describes how long it took to end. #thedailyjeff (J)

Me:  “Why did you honk at that person?”  Linda:  “I’m exercising my right of free speech.”  Apparently ‘speech’ includes your car horn. Well played.  #thedailyjeff

Most of being a successful father comes down to four things: showing up, being involved, doing the right things in your own life and — this should be easiest of all — loving your child with all your heart and being. (Bob Gabordi) #thedailyjeff

Shipwreck diary:  Day One:  Doing pretty well.  Mentally sound. Met a crab.  Day 65:  Married the crab.  Day 122:  Just ate my wife. (Murrman) #thedailyjeff

I’m sick of these pseudo "hipsters" in their Abercrombie & Fitch shirts.  I bet they probably couldn’t even name one Abercrombie & Fitch album.  #thedailyjeff

You think Trump is our scariest president, what about Rushmore?  He had four heads.   #thedailyjeff

The 8 secrets for grit and resilience by Navy SEAL James Waters #thedailyjeff

  • Have purpose and meaning. It’s easier to be persistent when what we’re doing is tied to something personally meaningful.
  • Make it a game. It’s the best way to stay in a competitive mindset without stressing yourself out.
  • Be confident — but realistic. See the challenges honestly but believe in your own ability to take them on.
  • Prepare, prepare, prepare. Grit comes a lot easier when you’ve done the work to make sure you’re ready.
  • Focus on improvement. Every SEAL mission ends with a debrief focusing on what went wrong so they can improve.
  • Give help and get help. Support from others helps keep you going, and giving others support does the same.
  • Celebrate small wins. You can’t wait to catch the big fish. Take joy where you can find it when good times are scarce.
  • Find a way to laugh. Rangers, SEALs, and scientists agree: a chuckle can help you cope with stress and keep you going.


A comment about the removal of all these Civil War monuments.  It has been 152 years since the end of that terrible war and people are just getting offended now?  I’m not a fan of any war or any side of a conflict, but 620,000 people died in that war, about the same as WW1 and 2, Vietnam, Korea and the Revolutionary war COMBINED.  No war hero is all good or all bad, but as George Santayana said, "Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it." Removing evidence of past conflicts only makes future generations ignorant, so they repeat the same mistakes.  #thedailyjeff

Question:  What kind of sick person actually volunteers to be the sweat wiper at a basketball game? #thedailyjeff

In the Comey Senate hearings, Sen. Mark Warner used the word “Contemporaneous,” which I thought was mangling of “Contemporary” or “Extemporaneous.” Turns out contemporaneous is a real word, meaning “existing or occurring at the same period of time.”  Well played, Mark.  #thedailyjeff

[ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?"
[husband covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?" (Keetpotato) #thedailyjeff

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong. Sorry.  Awkward.  (Longwall26) #thedailyjeff

According to a recent study by the Innovation Center for US Dairy, as reported in USA Today, 48% of Americans don‘t know where chocolate milk comes from.  Are people really that stupid? Everybody knows it comes from chocolate cows.  #thedailyjeff

The 6 things productive people do, or don’t do, every day.  From The Ladders #thedailyjeff

  • Manage Your Mood (starting positive begets a positive day)
  • Don’t Check Email in The Morning (It will change your priorities to unimportant things)
  • Before You Try To Do It Faster, Ask Whether It Should Be Done At All (eliminate the unnecessary)
  • Focus Is Nothing More Than Eliminating Distractions (play the long game)
  • Have A Personal System (to keep track of what is important)
  • Define Your Goals The Night Before (& stick to it)


A ten-year psychology German study found that men who kissed their wives before leaving for work lived, on average, five years longer, earning 20 to 30 percent more than peers. Those that didn’t kiss their wives were killed instantly. The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us #thedailyjeff 

Some will be thrilled that the US is backing out of the Paris Accord.  Now our coal miners can go back to killing themselves in unsafe, cancer-causing conditions.   Yay!  #thedailyjeff

According to a recent study by the Innovation Center for US Dairy, as reported in USA Today, 48% of Americans don‘t know where chocolate milk comes from. Are people really that stupid? #thedailyjeff

Revealed: meaning of the word covfefe.  Based on the phonetic similarities alone,  sounds like the Samoan word combos:  “Ko fefe”: pregnant but in fear of it, “Ko fale”: pregnant from one’s own relative, “Ko kefe”: a pregnancy of the nether region; or pregnant asshole. If we use the original meaning of kefe (circumcise) then this also means; to reach for ones circumcision. “Kafefe”: An expression of shock, dismay or surprise, similar to “Oh my!” and “Kou Kefe”: You assholes (Source: Huffington Post)  #thedailyjeff

I started setting up my Google+ account this weekend. I think it's cute how Google plays dumb when it asks me to fill in my personal information. #thedailyjeff

Federal deficit logic eludes me. If you have $100 in your checking account you can spend $100, or less if you are smart.  But Congress says, “I know I only have $100, but I’m going to raise that (the debt ceiling) to $150 because I want to.”  It’s kind of like a teenager saying “OMG, I only have, like, $100 but I really want those $120 Weezer tickets and it is, like, so unfair and my friends will think I’m, like, poor or something! So I’m just going to get them and let mom and dad handle, like, the fallout.” #thedailyjeff  http://ee.usatoday.com/Subscribers/shared/ShowArticle.aspx?doc=USA%2F2017%2F05%2F26&entity=Ar00602&sk=8234CD25

Don’t think of your errors as mistakes. Think of them as soul-crushing, embarrassing events that expose your personal weaknesses and incompetence.  #thedailyjeff

12 habits of genuine people.  From The Ladders #thedailyjeff

1. Genuine people don’t try to make people like them
2. They don’t pass judgment
3. They forge their own paths
4. They are generous
5. They treat EVERYONE with respect
6. They aren’t motivated by material things
7. They are trustworthy
8. They are thick-skinned
9. They put away their phones
10. They aren’t driven by ego
11. They aren’t hypocrites
12. They don’t brag

This is a testament to the advancement of technology:  Today you can store ALL of the world's music -- every song that exists -- on a single 16 terabyte hard drive costing only $600. #thedailyjeff

Ironic quote:  You never learn anything by doing it right. #thedailyjeff

In maternity wards they have what they call Lactation Specialists.  These are just dairy farmers, right?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water. (An.) #thedailyjeff

I love telling someone to go to hell, but as a sensitive person I still worry about them getting there safely.  #thedailyjeff

I’m convinced that most Ikea employees are customers who actually didn’t know how to get out and just gave up. #thedailyjeff

Starting to think this 60 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial. #thedailyjeff

Is Canada still up there? Somebody really should check on them. #thedailyjeff

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? (George Carlin) #thedailyjeff

 I never fall off my bike. I just dismount with style. #thedailyjeff

Never forget two people in your life… The person who sacrificed everything just to help you win and the person who was with you in every pain. (your Mother & father) #thedailyjeff

When someone no longer gets frustrated and upset with you, you can almost guarantee they no longer care about you.  Silence is deadly. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Andropause: The term male menopause.  Why this isn’t called Menopause and the female equivalent called Womanopause is beyond me.  #thedailyjeff

A successful marriage is one in which you fall in love many times, always with the same person. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Lady Astor: “If I was your wife sir, I would poison your coffee.”  Winston Churchill: “If I was your husband, I would drink it.” #thedailyjeff

 “Dad, what’s it like having the greatest kid in the world?”  “I don’t know dear, you’ll have to ask Grandma.” #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  colposinquanoni (KAHL-puh-SIN-kwah-NOH-nee-uh): Estimating a woman's beauty based on her chest. As in… “I’m not a chauvinist…I’m a coloposinquanist.”  #thedailyjeff

What’s all this talk about nerd gas in Syria?  I know those guys eat a lot of Cheetos and bean dip, but you don’t need to be angry at them.  #thedailyjeff

I continue to ask for your prayers. The woman two cubes over who keeps saying “awesomesauce” now has a new phrase:  “Who’s the boss, apple sauce?” Anyone have an ice pick that I can drive through my skull?  #thedailyjeff

I’ve gotten this far in life by knowing the difference between an asshole and a normal person.  #thedailyjeff

I want to thank all of you for posting pictures of the restaurants you go to. They are amazing. We don't have anything like that here in Texas.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. (An.) #thedailyjeff

When did the local weather become the most important item on the local news?  Two stations in Austin feature the weather person FIVE times in 30 minutes.  By the third time I’m completely memorized the entire US forecast for the next week. #thedailyjeff

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. Remember that you’re one of them. (An.) #thedailyjeffWhen I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I wonder is what meds they’re on. #thedailyjeff

Heard yet another Amber alert yesterday and I started thinking, “Geeze that girl gets lost a lot!” #thedailyjeff

Admittedly a completely confusing conversation between a man and a woman.  Me: “Fashion Week is coming in mid-May in Austin.”  Her response:  “I wouldn’t know what to wear.” Guys, do you understand this?  I don’t #thedailyjeff

I sent out a text saying "I've lost my phone, can you please call it? I got 12 calls. I need smarter friends!! #thedailyjeff

Your character is the sum total of your everyday choices. You define yourself by your actions.    #thedailyjeff

Best idea ever to pay for the border wall.  Sell advertising space on it!  English on the north side, Spanish on the south.  © thedailyjeff.net

I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?", "Where did he come from?" "How did he die?", and "Why did he have deer antlers?"  #thedailyjeff

Word of the day:  Politics: from the Word "Poly" meaning "Many" and "Ticks" as in "Small Blood-Sucking Parasites” #thedailyjeff

Four things every child must know: who’s the boss, what the rules are, what the consequences are, and who is going to enforce them.  #thedailyjeff

Why is it that some people take the best qualities & values from their parents and some take the worst?  And why is it that some people learn the worst from their parents but are strong enough to avoid those parts, yet others can’t avoid them?  Just thinking here… #thedailyjeff

Unlike some of you blatant racists, I'm totally OK with lactose.  #thedailyjeff

Looking for new ways to swear?  From the Irish:  ”feckin' eejit”  Eejit, as in idiot, elongating the "eeeee" sound.  And 'feck' as in "Feck off, ya big feckin' eejit!" #thedailyjeff

Donald Trump is making good on his promise to build a wall.  It will be the new 18 foot high one around the White House.  #thedailyjeff

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model.  #Thedailyjeff

There is no way to be a perfect parent and a million ways to be a good one. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

I’m convinced that we vastly overestimate how observant people are.  #thedailyjeff

 “If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, to be clear… do you know how reading works?” (Bridger Winegar) #thedailyjeff

#1 rule of marriage:  It is better to be happy than to be right.  #thedailyjeff

When you think about it, every child has four guiding forces:  A mother, a father, their inner self, and the community in which they live.  These powerful forces work together to create something that is either distinctive, dull or destructive.  What have you done today to make someone distinctive? And more importantly, are you strong enough to ignore the negative guiding forces?  #thedailyjeff

They say with age comes wisdom. So this explains why young people are so dumb, but why are there so many dumb old people? #thedailyjeff

Haiku of the day:  Haiku hard. Nothing rhyme. Make no sense. You see? Bazinga. #thedailyjeff

I don't think it's a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Dactylion (dak-ˈtil-ē-ˌän): The tip of the middle finger.  (“I’m not flipping you off…I’m just showing you my dactylion!”)  #thedailyjeff

Doesn’t it seem that those people who have the least amount of knowledge usually talk the most and make the greatest fuss?   #thedailyjeff

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.” (George Burns) #thedailyjeff

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again. (George Miller)  #thedailyjeff

 “I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.” (B. J. Novak) #thedailyjeff

 “It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.” (John McDowell) #thedailyjeff

 “I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.” (Demitri Martin) #thedailyjeff

Thought of the day:  Mountains can move, but not your character (An.) #thedailyjeff

Sometimes when you intensely dislike a person, you just have to take comfort in the fact that one day they will be dead. #thedailyjeff

"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books.  #thedailyjeff

A relevant quote for today: Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Today’s inspirational quote:  Don’t be a dick. #thedailyjeff

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player  #Thedailyjeff

 “Dad am I ugly?” “I told you not to call me dad in front of people.” #thedailyjeff

So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet? #thedailyjeff

If you want people to really listen to you say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation. #thedailyjeff

 “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.” (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

After this last election cycle, I wonder on Groundhogs Day if Punxsutawney Phil will go back in his hole for the next four years, rather than just a couple weeks. #thedailyjeff

 “We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” Benjamin Franklin  #Thedailyjeff

The 14 signs of fascism, by philosopher Umberto Eco. (The question is, now many of these are we seeing today?) #thedailyjeff
1. The cult of tradition. “The old ways are better than the new.”
2. The rejection of modernism. “Everything we are doing is wrong. Let’s go back to the way it was.”
3. The cult of action for action’s sake. “See what I did…I can fix it later.”
4. Disagreement is treason. “Those who think differently than me are evil.”
5. Fear of difference. “Outsiders are a threat.”
6. Appeal to social frustration. “I understand the problems of the poor and disenfranchised better than anybody.”
7. The obsession with a plot. “They are out to destroy us.”
8. The enemy is both strong and weak. “They are to be feared…we will crush them.”
9. Pacifism is trafficking with the enemy. “If you are not with me you’re with them.”
10. Contempt for the weak. “He/she is weak.”
11. Everybody is educated to become a hero. “If you are with me you are great.”
12. Machismo and weaponry. “I can have any woman I want...I’ll use nukes to crush our enemies.”
13. Selective populism. “The blacks love me.”
14. Newspeak. Making use of an impoverished vocabulary, and an elementary syntax, in order to limit the instruments for complex and critical reasoning.

“Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?” George W. Bush  #Thedailyjeff

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player Joe Theisman #thedailyjeff

Are walruses just vampire manatees? #thedailyjeff
I’m not old…I’m vintage.  At least that’s what I tell myself because it sounds cooler.  #thedailyjeff

Someone said to me “You're one of a kind!”  Later I realized it was not a complement… they were relieved about this fact. Time to get more tolerant friends.  #thedailyjeff

Listen Apple, unless this so-called "genius" is making me a margarita and nachos, don't tell me to wait at the bar.  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain. (an.) #thedailyjeff

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening.  That’s where your power is. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 “The first draft of anything is shit.” Ernest Hemingway (#thedailyjeff)

If you can’t tell a story simply, then you don’t understand it – and your audience – enough.  #thedailyjeff

I’m tired of people saying they are “disadvantaged.”  Those who are supposedly “advantaged” or “privileged” or “lucky” are the ones that set high goals, lived right, got educated, and worked their ass off to get where they are today, irrespective of where they started.  #thedailyjeff

An irony in life:  You really never know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter. #thedailyjeff

I’m worried about Trump having the codes for nuclear weapons…especially since they will probably all be “Password1.”  #thedailyjeff

Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home? #thedailyjeff (Christmas)

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.  (Demetri Martin)  #thedailyjeff

Peace on earth would be nice, but losing 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle. (an.)

Got two Christmas cards today. One from my grandma and the other from her cat. It’s amazing how their handwriting is so similar.  (Anon) #thedailyjeff

It’s sad that those inflatable holiday decorations look presentable at night but look like they have all been murdered in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day. #thedailyjeff (Christmas)

I was going to publish my autobiography but the manuscript is just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles and rants about stupid people.  #thedailyjeff

To the teenager who flipped me off this morning on the way to work. Your phone is on top of your car. Karma. #thedailyjeff

I am no longer allowed to wash the family’s clothes since the “You shrunk my favorite silk blouse to a size one” incident.  #thedailyjeff

Based on the type of people Trump has picked for his cabinet, I’m expecting that he will be choosing El Chapo as the head of the Drug Enforcement Agency.  #thedailyjeff

OK, here is a question.  Does anyone really give a damn which bathroom people use?  Is this the most important thing we should be concerned about? Shouldn’t we spend our valuable time on things like ISIS, cancer, poverty, the economy, infrastructure, and education instead?  #thedailyjeff

Have you noticed that we have moved forward as individuals, but backward as a community? #thedailyjeff

Who is the person that decided to make the type font HUGE in children’s vitamins but tiny on vitamins for older people?  Little kids can read that stuff…older people need a magnifying glass, or must bring a little kid with them.  #thedailyjeff

The saying goes “Flattery brings friends, truth enemies.”  But I think that is wrong. I say truth brings true friends and anyone that can’t take it isn’t worth being a friend…or an enemy.  #thedailyjeff

"I'd like to start a religion. That's where the money is." - L. Ron Hubbard to Lloyd Eshbach, in 1949; quoted by Eshbach in "Over My Shoulder: Reflections on a Science Fiction Era", Donald M. Grant Publisher.  Two more facts about L.Ron...the idea of scientology came to him while he was under the influence of anesthetic at the dentist's office and he believed that one of the villains from the James Bond series of books was out to destroy him.  #thedailyjeff

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.   #thedailyjeff

A recent survey has opened a disturbing window into American culture: We have a large number of cannibals in this country. When asked what they were having for Thanksgiving dinner this year, 37% of those polled said "relatives." #thedailyjeff

Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for. All their in-laws were back in Europe. (An.) #thedailyjeff (Thanksgiving)

What is even scarier than a guy opening up a can of whoop ass is that someone out there is actually canning whoop ass…I’d be more afraid of that second guy. (an.) #thedailyjeff

What's another word for Thesaurus? (Steven Wright)  #thedailyjeff

“It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks.” (Charlie Chaplin) #thedailyjeff

What has happened to reason and civility in our country?  If I don’t agree with you, or not the same color or religion as you, this does that make me a racist, xenophobic, homophobic, intolerant, small-minded, narcissistic, unpatriotic or even mean & unfair.  I’m none of those even if I might not agree with you.  But I’m perfectly happy being Omphalophobic (fear of belly buttons), Coulrophobic (clowns), Cacomorphobic (fat people), Disposophobic (getting rid of stuff), Myrmecophobic (ants),  Scoleciphobic (worms), Allodoxaphobic (opinions), Spheksophobic (wasps),  Pogonophobic (beards), Sidonglobophobic (cotton balls or plastic foam), and Phobophobic (the fear of fear).  #thedailyjeff 

This is what I learned about facts in this current election cycle.  It isn’t the truest fact that wins but rather the one that that is shouted the most loudly.  #thedailyjeff

My cooking is so bad people usually pray after they eat. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

There is nothing worse than childhood polio.  No wait…there’s politics. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

Hey, I invented a new word.  Plagiarism! #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

Congrats to the Cubs, but what is the deal with all the spitting in baseball?  Do they have some sort on excessive or abnormal phlegm issue?  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 I remember a time when we looked up when we walked, we talked to each other when people were around and we looked up at the sky to see the clouds. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

The trouble with dancing naked is that not everything stops when the music does.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

New word.  Egotestacle:  Someone with unusually high self-esteem that is simply too dumb to be a dick. © thedailyjeff.net 

"I remember when the TV remote only had three buttons.  Now it looks like a calculator for honors math.  I wanted to watch TV, not split an atom."  (Jim Gaffagan) #thedailyjeff

Men have three basic hair styles: parted, unparted and departed. (an.) #thedailyjeff

When I get water I never put ice in it.  I just don’t like it as much when it is watered down.  #thedailyjeff

“When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.”  Socrates (469 – 399 BC) #thedailyjeff

Face facts.  How easily you're offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are. #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  philosophaster, philosophunculist 1. A person who pretends to know more about something than he actually knows as a way of impressing or manipulating others. 2. Someone who claims to be a philosopher, but who actually has only superficial knowledge of the subject. 3. A pseudo-philosopher. (I’ll just let you apply this to whomever you want.)  #thedailyjeff

The latest rant about potential voter fraud got me curious.  According to the Washing Post there have been only 31 different incidents of proven voter fraud since 2000 out of literally millions of votes cast in multiple elections.  And the current allegation that 1 million people are on the voting rolls who are deceased?  According to NPR, the number is actually 1.8 million, but the likelihood of voter fraud is infinitesimal because they DIED this year before they could vote or state records haven’t kept up. How come I can find this stuff in 2 minutes but a certain candidate can’t get it right?  #thedailyjeff

Too many people confuse hard work with privilege. You earn privilege by working hard.  #thedailyjeff

What has happened to local TV news?  It is now 20 minutes of weather, with a few local car wrecks and a lost puppy story mixed in.  Aren’t there more important stories in the world than “(stupid) Man walking down the middle of the freeway gets killed”?  #thedailyjeff

 “In times like these it helps to recall there have always been times like these.” (Paul Harvey)  #thedailyjeff

 Four massive motivation killers:  1. Fear of failure, 2. Lack of clear goals, 3. Ignoring your health, 4. Loss of core identity (Scott Smith)  #thedailyjeff

If you fail in life you have only yourself to blame...not your parents, your background, other people or society.  And if you do experience a success, you didn’t do it alone.  You had the help of your parents, your background, other people and society.  #thedailyjeff

Did Columbus discover America?  Here's what historians and archeologists have documented. The Vikings set up a successful colony in Greenland that lasted for 518 years (982-1500). They spent a good portion of that time sending expeditions down south to try to settle what they called Vineland -- which historians now believe was the East Coast of North America - as far south as modern day North Carolina. After spending a couple decades sneaking ashore to raid Vineland of its ample wood pulp, they settled North America in 1005 with livestock, supplies and between 100 and 300 settlers, creating the first successful European American colony.  So suck it Columbus!

Heard a piece on the news about the militant group Al-Shabaab, which I think in Arabic means “tasty skewered meat in a stick.” #thedailyjeff

 Love this quote:  “A weakened sense of responsibility does not weaken the fact of responsibility.” (William J. Bennett)  #thedailyjeff

 Seek simplicity, and distrust it.  (Alfred North Whitehead) #thedailyjeff 

 “In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.” (George Carlin)
“In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.”  (Adlai E. Stevenson II)  #thedailyjeff

Marketing 101:  People don't buy 1/2 inch drill bits.  They buy 1/2 inch holes.  #thedailyjeff

 “Complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whining.” (Teddy Roosevelt) #thedailyjeff

 “Politics is the only business where doing nothing other than making the other guy look bad is an acceptable outcome.” (Mark Warner) #thedailyjeff

 “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” (Groucho Marx) #thedailyjeff

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? (Phyllis Diller) #thedailyjeff 

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it. #thedailyjeffHey, I invented a new word.  Plagiarism! #thedailyjeff

Congrats to the Cubs, but what is the deal with all the spitting in baseball?  Do they have some sort on excessive or abnormal phlegm issue?  #thedailyjeff

 I remember a time when we looked up when we walked, we talked to each other when people were around and we looked up at the sky to see the clouds. #thedailyjeff 

The trouble with dancing naked is that not everything stops when the music does.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

New word.  Egotestacle:  Someone with unusually high self-esteem that is simply too dumb to be a dick. © thedailyjeff.net 

"I remember when the TV remote only had three buttons.  Now it looks like a calculator for honors math.  I wanted to watch TV, not split an atom."  (Jim Gaffagan) #thedailyjeff

Men have three basic hair styles: parted, unparted and departed. (an.) #thedailyjeff

When I get water I never put ice in it.  I just don’t like it as much when it is watered down.  #thedailyjeff

“When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.”  Socrates (469 – 399 BC) #thedailyjeff

Face facts.  How easily you're offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are. #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  philosophaster, philosophunculist 1. A person who pretends to know more about something than he actually knows as a way of impressing or manipulating others. 2. Someone who claims to be a philosopher, but who actually has only superficial knowledge of the subject. 3. A pseudo-philosopher. (I’ll just let you apply this to whomever you want.)  #thedailyjeff

The latest rant about potential voter fraud got me curious.  According to the Washing Post there have been only 31 different incidents of proven voter fraud since 2000 out of literally millions of votes cast in multiple elections.  And the current allegation that 1 million people are on the voting rolls who are deceased?  According to NPR, the number is actually 1.8 million, but the likelihood of voter fraud is infinitesimal because they DIED this year before they could vote or state records haven’t kept up. How come I can find this stuff in 2 minutes but a certain candidate can’t get it right?  #thedailyjeff

 Too many people confuse hard work with privilege. You earn privilege by working hard.  #thedailyjeff

What has happened to local TV news?  It is now 20 minutes of weather, with a few local car wrecks and a lost puppy story mixed in.  Aren’t there more important stories in the world than “(stupid) Man walking down the middle of the freeway gets killed”?  #thedailyjeff

“In times like these it helps to recall there have always been times like these.” (Paul Harvey)  #thedailyjeff

Four massive motivation killers:  1. Fear of failure, 2. Lack of clear goals, 3. Ignoring your health, 4. Loss of core identity (Scott Smith)  #thedailyjeff

If you fail in life you have only yourself to blame...not your parents, your background, other people or society.  And if you do experience a success, you didn’t do it alone.  You had the help of your parents, your background, other people and society.  #thedailyjeff

Did Columbus discover America?  Here's what historians and archeologists have documented. The Vikings set up a successful colony in Greenland that lasted for 518 years (982-1500). They spent a good portion of that time sending expeditions down south to try to settle what they called Vineland -- which historians now believe was the East Coast of North America - as far south as modern day North Carolina. After spending a couple decades sneaking ashore to raid Vineland of its ample wood pulp, they settled North America in 1005 with livestock, supplies and between 100 and 300 settlers, creating the first successful European American colony.  So suck it Columbus!

Heard a piece on the news about the militant group Al-Shabaab, which I think in Arabic means “tasty skewered meat in a stick.” #thedailyjeff

Love this quote:  “A weakened sense of responsibility does not weaken the fact of responsibility.” (William J. Bennett)  #thedailyjeff

Seek simplicity, and distrust it.  (Alfred North Whitehead) #thedailyjeff 

“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.” (George Carlin)

“In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.”  (Adlai E. Stevenson II)  #thedailyjeff

Marketing 101:  People don't buy 1/2 inch drill bits.  They buy 1/2 inch holes.  #thedailyjeff

“Complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whining.” (Teddy Roosevelt) #thedailyjeff

“Politics is the only business where doing nothing other than making the other guy look bad is an acceptable outcome.” (Mark Warner) #thedailyjeff

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” (Groucho Marx) #thedailyjeff

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? (Phyllis Diller) #thedailyjeff 

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it. #thedailyjeffPeople are really never beautiful on the inside. I've taken anatomy classes. Gross stuff.  #thedailyjeff

Credit card companies are so funny.  A URL domain that I own (thedailyjeff.net) just got an offer for an American Express Card.  I wonder just how they expect thedailyjeff.net to pay the bill?  #thedailyjeff

They said that yoga would make me more flexible, but I'm still incredibly stubborn.  I guess yoga doesn’t work. #thedailyjeff

The soon-to-be divorced Angelina & Brad called their biological daughter Shiloh. I think we should all pray that little Shiloh Pitt is not dyslexic. #thedailyjeff

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. (Jim Carrey) #thedailyjeff  

I’m sure a lot of people feel stupid for cashing in their retirement account early, especially when it is at the CoinStar machine... #thedailyjeff

Ignorance is much harder to cure than pneumonia.  I’ll just let you mull that idea for a moment.   #thedailyjeff

I wonder how many of those drug-sniffing dogs have to go to rehab. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Friendship and love aren’t a single big thing — they’re a million little things. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Saw deodorant at the store that said “Dermatologist tested.”  I’m thinking great, at least they are no longer testing on rabbits anymore.  #thedailyjeff

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Drove past the Frito Lay manufacturing plant in Wichita, KS yesterday and the air smelled like farts.  I’ll just let that idea sink in.  #thedailyjeff

Watching the TV show “Escaping Polygamy” I asked my wife what she thought of this whole plural marriage thing.  Her response:  “You’re not going to get that lucky.”  Well played.  #thedailyjeff

I've gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing... (An.) #thedailyjeff

I'm stuck in the middle of a cube farm at work where the lady behind me won't stop saying "awesomesauce." Pray for me please.  #TheDailyJeff


In Berlin, a Laundromat was raided because it was a front for a brothel. You know what tipped police off? Men doing laundry. (Jay Leno) #thedailyjeff

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities. (Robert Zunick) #thedailyjeff

"If everything is under control, you are going too slow." (Mario Andretti) #thedailyjeff

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work? #thedailyjeff

If you're buying Smart Water for $4 a bottle...I'm sorry to tell you this but it's not working. #thedailyjeff

Everyone knows spray tans, Tang and Trump’s hair come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?   #thedailyjeff

Here's an idea for an online site that shares medical information about babies:  WikiPediatrician.  How come other people don't think of stuff like this? #thedailyjeff

I sent a text to a friend of mine whose aunt had a heart attack. It was supposed to say, “How’s your aunt doing?”  Somehow I hit the C instead of A.  Truly awkward.  #thedailyjeff

Charles R. Swindoll said life is 90% how you react to it.  I say, the other half is how smart you are. #thedailyjeff

At what point would someone say, “You know…the most effective way to demand social justice is to loot a liquor store, a cupcake shop, and a beauty supply store.” It is just me that thinks this is irrational?  #thedailyjeff

Apple was going to make an iPod for kids, but iTouch Kids just wasn’t a very good marketing name. (Michael Mendoza) #thedailyjeff

What is your favorite childhood memory?  Mine is not paying bills.  #thedailyjeff

 If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money. (Abigail Van Buren)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  maledicent (MALE-di-cent): One who is addicted to abusive speech.  Why is this a male thing?  Also see “he who shall not be named” and “asshole.” #thedailyjeff

Not to interrupt your story Facebook friends, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter & more interesting story? Maybe one about me and my needs? #thedailyjeffMany things can be preserved in alcohol. OK. I can see your camouflage pants, so obviously they're not working. #thedailyjeff

Here is a paradox.  Anti-depressants carry the warning "May increase thoughts of suicide."   Seems just a bit counterproductive, doesn't it?    #thedailyjeff

I don’t care what people think of me…at least mosquitoes find me really attractive.  #thedailyjeff

“At what age do you tell a highway it is adopted?” (Zach Galifianakis)

Five simple rules for happiness:  1. Free yourself from hatred.  2. Free your mind from worries.  3.  Live simply.  4.  Give more.  5. Expect less.  #thedailyjeff

 You should always give your wine room to breathe. If you notice it's not breathing, place your lips on the bottle and administer mouth to mouth. (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Blandiloquent: (Blan-dillo-quent)  Speaking in a flattering or ingratiating manner.  Also see political conventions.  #thedailyjeff

One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...#thedailyjeff

I’m tired of hearing news about killings, bombings, racial tensions, negative campaigning, and hate.  Don’t get me wrong, these things are horrific.  But it is out of proportion, it isn’t me and when I listen to the darkness it changes me.  99% of the world is actually good, moral, unbiased, giving, fun, happy, and loving. So I will no longer give in to darkness & negativity.  Do just one nice thing for someone today and change your world.

Sign at a Mexican food restaurant:  “Food so authentic Donald Trump would build a wall around it.” #thedailyjeff

I heard on NPR today that 60 is the new 40.   By that same logic, 20 must be the new fetus.  #thedailyjeff

According to ABC news Donald Trump declared bankruptcy 4 times: 1991, 1992, 2004, and again in 2009.  According to USA Today, there have been 3,500 legal actions involving Trump during the past three decades. “No candidate of a major party has had anything approaching the number of Trump’s courtroom entanglements.”  And he calls Hillary crooked?  And this is the world’s greatest job creator?

Advice:  Starting a sentence with “I don’t want to sound like a jerk…” virtually guarantees that the next sentence will make you sound EXACTLY like a jerk.  #thedailyjeff

“The temptation of the age is to look good without (actually) being good.” (Brennan Manning) #thedailyjeff

Respect is earned, not demanded. What will you do today to earn it?  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Basorexia: An overwhelming desire to kiss.  (Depending on who you kiss this could be called ‘love’ or “assault.” #thedailyjeff

Personal trainer: So what's your goal? Me: In pictures I no longer want to look like a retired Sumo wrestler. #thedailyjeff

Research says that it costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol. #thedailyjeff

I find that if you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air" most telemarketers will hang up immediately. #thedailyjeff

 “If you don’t stick to your values when they are being tested, they’re not values:  They’re hobbies.” (John Stewart) #thedailyjeff

We have GPS that can accurately navigate you across the country within 3 feet of where you want to be. Why can't someone invent a device that can remind you where your reading glasses are?  #thedailyjeff

 They say “dance like people aren’t watching,” but the people who have actually seen me dance say “Oh please…just stop.” #thedailyjeff

Budweiser is temporarily changing its name to “America.”  But I prefer America Lite, or as I call it, “Canada.”  #thedailyjeff

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. ( Lao-Tze) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Sgiomlaireached:  The habit of dropping in at mealtimes. As in “Oh shap. did I ever sgiomlaireache you!” I think this will become popular again, don’t you?  #thedailyjeffWe must fear people who have beards, wear clothes different than ours, reject American ways, and speak a different language.  I’m talking of course about the Amish.  #thedailyjeff

I used to play sports a lot. Recently I realized that trophies are much cheaper than I ever imagined they were. Now I’m #1 at everything, including skeet shooting, Olympic Butterfly, Judo, 3 meter platform diving, and I’m Surgeon of the Year at Harvard Med. #thedailyjeff

Words to think about in this election:  “Wise men (and women) speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” (Plato)  #thedailyjeff

An ironic thought.  The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.  #thedailyjeff

“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.” (Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey) #thedailyjeff

Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.  #thedailyjeff

 “Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!" (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

Here is a bit of historic irony.  The actor originally slated to play the lead role in the Terminator movie series:  OJ Simpson. #thedailyjeff

The definition of irony:  The state motto for New Hampshire is "Live Free or Die" which appears on license plates made by prisoners. (Jon Stewart) #thedailyjeff

An ironic t-shirt typically has a double meaning. In addition to whatever the shirt says it usually means you’re also an ass.  (Miles K.)  #thedailyjeff

 “If you are lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.” (Jean-Paul Sartre) #thedailyjeff

 “It is the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it.” (Aristotle) Jeff adds, to me that is called “maturity” and “tolerance.”  #thedailyjeff

 “There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle.” (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

Don’t listen to what people say, watch what they do. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 “A pessimist gets nothing but pleasant surprises.”  (Rex Stuart)  #thedailyjeff

 I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in school instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season. #thedailyjeff

When I tell someone "We'll just agree to disagree" what I really mean is "You couldn't possibly be more wrong, you’re an idiot and I'm over this argument." #thedailyjeff

I love how television has redefined the word 'marathon' to the exact opposite of physical exercise.  #thedailyjeff

I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's OK. #thedailyjeff

 “The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal.” (Aristotle) Not everything can be, or should be, equal.  #thedailyjeff

 “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” (Dave Barry)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Strikhedonia (Strike-he-donya):  The pleasure of being able to say to hell with it.  #thedailyjeff

 Obscure word of the day:  Quidnunc (Quid-nuck): One who always wants to know what is going on.  Also see “busybody.”  #thedailyjeff

 “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” (Dr. Seuss)  #thedailyjeff

“As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.” (Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey) #thedailyjeff

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up.” (Ogden Nash)  #thedailyjeff

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” (Bob Thaves)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Adoxography:  Skilled writing on an unimportant subject.  (I think Im getting pretty good at this. Does that make me an adoxographer?)  #thedailyjeff

 “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. (Buddha) #thedailyjeff

"If you would be loved, love and be lovable." (Benjamin Franklin) #thedailyjeff

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Let them choose their own adventure. #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Ultracrepidarian (ultra-crepa-darian):  One who speaks or offers opinions on matters beyond their knowledge. Also see Bloviate - To speak pompously  #thedailyjeff

I just realized the key to eating healthy.  Avoid any food that has a TV commercial. #thedailyjeff

Alcohol is really effective at taking the finish of furniture…and people.  #thedailyjeff

I disagree with unanimity.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  emunction:  The act of removing obstructions from or cleaning bodily passages, like blowing your nose or something worse.  As in “I’m not doing something gross…I’m emuncating.” #thedailyjeff

My definition of “skepticism:” The rigorous doubting of something I refuse to believe. #thedailyjeff

“I don’t know much about video games.  The only one I know of is that one they call “sugar crash.”  (Violinist Itzhak Perlman) #thedailyjeff

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only a few people can hold it (an.) #thedailyjeff

We learned recently that the beard from King Tut was accidently broken off by the cleaning crew, but I think he actually broke if off himself.  After 3,340 years he just couldn’t pull off that hipster look anymore. #thedailyjeff

 I just transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. Enjoy  #thedailyjeff

I wouldn't want to live forever. In fact, I don't even want to stay at a party past eleven. #thedailyjeff

One of the most OCD comments I’ve ever heard.  Driving through a wind farm in Oklahoma…”Doesn’t it bother you that all the blades aren’t synchronized?  It’s so…disruptive!”  Thank you Linny.  #thedailyjeff

Remember people, your body is a temple, not a theme park. #thedailyjeff

I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 4 people worldwide...  #thedailyjeff

My next million dollar idea.  Juice boxes that say Capri Sun on them, but actually contain 1987 Petite Sirah. You're welcome.  #thedailyjeff

"The willingness to be a champion for stupid ideas is the key to greater creativity, innovation, fulfillment, inspiration, motivation, and success." (Richie Norton) #thedailyjeff

Texted my wife that I was going to the yoga studio to “meditate” but autocorrect changed it to “medicate.”  What is disturbing is that she didn’t say anything because she knows me too well.  #thedailyjeff

One of my favorite quotes:  “Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.” (Pat Robertson at the 1992 Republican National Convention) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  krukocervicsemiquaver:  The belief in the validity of word definitions from a stranger.

 I know my limits. I call one Bob and the other Steve-o. I don’t pay any attention to either of them but I still know them.   #thedailyjeff

 Obscure word of the day:  Lalochezia: The use of foul or abusive language to relieve stress or ease pain.  Apparently I’ve been a lalochezian for quite some time.  #thedailyjeff

Parents are meant to be the bumpers on the bowling alley, not the lane.  #thedailyjeff

If I live to 100 and people ask me the secret to my longevity I’m just going to say “Whiskey & pinecone smoothies” just to mess with them. #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  hadeharia. The practice of constantly using the word "Hell" in speaking

I generally avoid confrontation, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this serving size suggestion tell me how to live my life. #thedailyjeff

"Oftentimes when I was sleeping with one of the top women in the world I would say to myself, thinking about me as a boy from Queens, 'Can you believe what I am getting?'" (Trump in Esquire)

New discoveries will depend on how you make your children imagine the impossible, not showing them what's possible. #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Philosophunclist: One who pretends to know more than they do to impress others. If I could only remember this word I could use it to impress others. #thedailyjeff


The objective if parenting is to make your kids smart, strong, creative and self-sufficient. So let them fail and succeed, explore, build a treehouse, dig a hole, skin their knee, take apart the toaster to see how it works, draw in the sidewalk, wade in a pond to catch a frog, read, and know what life is like without schedules and constraints.  They have to experience things themselves – mostly without your help – for life’s lessons to become real.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Autohagiographer:  One who speaks or writes in a smug fashion about their own life and accomplisments. (Hmmm, I wonder who that sounds like?)

Because of the bathroom controversy in North Carolina major organizations our pulling out of the state, which ironically is also the only kind of birth control you can get in North Carolina.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Aeolist:  A pompous windy bore who pretends to have inspiration.  Also see: “politicians”  #thedailyjeff

Imagine how confusing this sounds to a color blind guy:  “Don’t wear the green shirt because it makes you look red, but the red shirt makes you look good.”  Is this true, or are people just messing with me because I’m an easy target?  #thedailyjeff

 Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos. (Jon) #thedailyjeff

Be decisive.  Right or wrong, make a decision.  The road of life is paved with flat squirrels that couldn’t make a decision. (Thanks to Russ Fujioka) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian: Pertaining to extremely long words

Obscure word of the day:  Snollygoster - A person who can't be trusted. Also see Allegator - Someone who alleges.  #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Don’t use contractions, abbr. etc.  #thedailyjeff

I think we’re going to see more things “On Ice.”  You know, Disney on Ice, Sesame Street on Ice, etc.  I can’t wait for “American Sniper on ice” and “20 years a slave on ice!”   #thedailyjeff

Saw a great bumper sticker yesterday” Buddha is my om boy.”

Happiness is a direction, not a place. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

I hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of words roof, aluminum, forte, root, and Eisenbahnscheinbewegung. #thedailyjeff

Just remember that we live in a world where there are a lot of people who are really happy with a lot less than you have.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Cockalorum - A small, haughty man.  Also see “you know who.”

The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed. (Cyberbully)

My financial advisor recommended that I invest in alcohol and drugs.  One detox and one rehab later, it figured out that he meant stocks.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Batrachomyomachy - Making a mountain out of a molehill. Fight over nothing. Also see “political debate.”  #thedailyjeff

If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Speling Bee.

Misprints in church bulletins:  #thedailyjeff

  • "The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
  • "The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
  • "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."


All I ever hear about is this apparent obesity epidemic we’re having, but no one seems to be concerned about the stupidity epidemic going on as well.   #thedailyjeff

 “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” (Mark Twain)  #thedailyjeff

My mom was having computer problems so I sent her an email to do a disk cleanup, excepted I substituted the “S” for a “C.”  My oh my, was that awkward.  #thedailyjeff

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.  #thedailyjeff

I was thinking about the times when someone says “I can’t describe it in words,”  then they try to describe it in words.  I think doing an interpretive rhythmic dance routine would be much more entertaining. #thedailyjeff

Henry David Thoreau said "The language of friendship is not words, but meanings." I think he missed one thing.  True friendship consists of actions, not words.  #thedailyjeff

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance. Is there something dirty about car insurance we should know about? #thedailyjeff

 “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.”  (H. L. Mencken)…Jeff’s corollary…or understanding the gullibility of the American public.  #thedailyjeff

I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store. #Thedailyjeff

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.  (Robert Orben)    #thedailyjeff

Who said this, a horny 20-year old or an adult?  "You know, it doesn't really matter what [the media] write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of [expletive]." (Trump in Esquire)

I don’t want to sound like a germophobe but it is creepy to think that every fork you use at your favorite restaurant has been in 100s of strangers' mouths.  #thedailyjeff

Heard a guy at lunch complaining about having to pay taxes.  I reminded him that he drove on a road that had police protection, and if he was in an accident the ambulance would take him to a hospital, and his kids could be excused from school to visit him, and when he returned home the firefighters would be there to extinguish the fire caused by his failure to turn off the toaster. And when he flew to see his mom, who was on Social Security and Medicaid, the plane was kept from crashing by experts on the ground and in the air, flying in an airspace that was protected by the mightiest military in the world.   So sure…don’t pay taxes.  Who needs that stuff anyway?  #thedailyjeff 

Obscure word of the day:  Vomitory - the entrance or exit passages in a theater or amphitheater.  #thedailyjeff

Be careful when you follow the masses.  Sometimes the “M” is silent. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 “Cats have a lot in common with ISIS.  They are both ruthless killers, they post crazy YouTube videos, and they poop in the sand.”  (Stephen Colbert)  #thedailyjeff

Deep thought of the day:  Freedom of choice doesn’t also come with freedom from consequences.  #thedailyjeff  

Obscure word of the day (and yes, it is true):  Allegator - Someone who alleges. #thedailyjeff

Everybody always asked the wrong question "Where's Waldo?" The real question is why is Waldo hiding? Was it for Child Support? Kidnapping? Murder? (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Pettifogger - A person who tries to befuddle others with his or her speech.  See “most Presidential candidates, especially ‘he who shall not be named.”’

Is there another word for synonym? #thedailyjeff

Wrong is wrong even if everybody does it…and right is right even if nobody does it. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day, and be careful using this one:  Quean - A disreputable woman.  Don’t say “You’re my Quean!”  Say “You’re my Queen!”    #thedailyjeff  

I wonder if there was ever an intelligent sentence that started with the word 'dude'? #thedailyjeff

February 11, 1964 Washington Post:  The Beatles are "imported hillbillies who looked like sheepdogs and sounded like alley cats in agony."  Newsweek that same week  "Visually, they are a nightmare: tight, dandified Edwardian beatnik suits and great pudding bowls of hair. Musically, they are near disaster: guitars and drums slamming out a merciless beat that does away with secondary rhythms, harmony and melody." #thedailyjeff

Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy." (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Callipygian - Having an attractive rear end or nice buns. #thedailyjeff

The reason good men are hard to find is because they're usually too busy working at a real job. (an.) #thedailyjeff

My grandmother is over 80 and she doesn't need glasses.....she drinks straight from the bottle. (anon) #thedailyjeff

I love the stupid things politicians say: This is Trump

"I play to people's fantasies.­­ It's an innocent form of exaggeration — and a very effective form of promotion.” (Donald Trump in Washington Post)

"The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive." (Twitter)

"This very expensive GLOBAL WARMING bullshit has got to stop. Our planet is freezing, record low temps, and our GW scientists are stuck in ice." (Twitter)

Ate too much salad yesterday so I'm going on an ice cream cleanse for the entire weekend. #thedailyjeff

Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of sick world are we living in where people are having sex with a mosquito? #thedailyjeff

"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone as president.  #thedailyjeff

Only strong doses of common sense and reality stand between our presidential candidates and glory.  #thedailyjeff

I’m going to create a new company called “YOUber.” You call yourself and arrange for a ride in your own car, then pay me a small fee to oversee the transaction.  Brilliant!  #thedailyjeff

I just love the crazy things politicians say:  “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” President George W. Bush, August 5th, 2004 #thedailyjeff

No wonder young people like Bernie Sanders…he’s old, has white hair and wants to give them free stuff.  They think he is Santa Claus.  (Wait Wait/NPR) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Logorrhea - Pathologically excessive, repetitious and often incoherent talkativeness or wordiness that is characteristic especially of the manic phase of bipolar disorder. Related to diarrhea I guess. #thedailyjeff

You know those TV commercials where kids are living on 15 cents a day?  Here is my new retirement plan:  Get $1,000 in cash, get a plane ticket and move there.  #thedailyjeff

I just love the crazy stuff politicians say:

“Obama is just a social worker who wants to put ISIS on expanded Medicaid.” Ted Cruz on Fox News’ Hannity
“It is the job of a chaplain to be insensitive to atheists” Ted Cruz at a home schooling convention
“Gay marriage leads to Christianity becoming hate speech.” Ted Cruz on the Christian Broadcasting Network
“I am a very, very proud wacko bird” Ted Cruz on CBS News
“I have never seen a Hispanic panhandler” Ted Cruz on Fox News Sunday

My solution to the growing population of death row inmates.  Send them into space.  They're already used to spending long periods of time in confined spaces, no guards needed, and there is essentially no escape.  And if they run out of food or oxygen, who the F cares? #thedailyjeff  (J)

If you're gonna label the silica gel in the box "do not eat," maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me.    #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Bloviate - To speak pompously or brag. To talk at length, especially in an inflated or empty way.  Hmmm….there certainly are a few bloviators in the presidential campaign.  #thedailyjeff

Years ago I had those adorable idiosyncrasies that everyone used to love.  Now they’ve become what my family refers to as "symptoms." #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Smellfungus - A perpetual pessimist, critic or fault-finder.  My oh my, this describes so many of the presidential candidates…#thedailyjeff

I have a love/hate relationship with strong/contradictory emotions. (anon) #thedailyjeff

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear." (Cyberbully)  #thedailyjeff

 “Scotch whiskey…I always take it at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.” (Mark Twain)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Slangwhanger - A loud abusive speaker or obnoxious writer. (Damn, we have a lot of slangwhangers out there!  More like SlangWANKERS) #thedailyjeff

They say “Wise people think all they say... fools say all they think.” I don’t understand what that means but just wanted to tell everyone about it. #thedailyjeff

"I've said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." —Donalt Trump  The View, 2006 #thedailyjeff

Campaign spending in Iowa can't be a good measure because if that were true Flo the Progressive lady would have won. (Stephen Colbert) ‪#‎thedailyjeff

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.  (anon) #thedailyjeff

“It’s a racist tax.” Rep. Ted Yoho (R-Florida) claimed that an Affordable Care Act tax on tanning salons was discriminatory against whites.  #thedailyjeff

Think about this….what if you spent your whole life trying to compete with people that, in the end, didn’t matter? #thedailyjeff

I just love the crazy stuff politicians say, especially when I purposely take the quote out of context for comedic effect:  “Life is indeed precious, and I believe the death penalty helps affirm this fact.” Former New York City mayor Edward Koch, in an essay published in The New Republic on April 15th, 1985

Obscure word of the day:  Crapulence: Discomfort from eating or drinking too much.  Ever wonder where the word “Crap” comes from? This is it.  #thedailyjeff

My dog just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Arf.  Arf arf arf.  Arf." I don’t know.  I don’t know…it sounds a little pretentious don’t you think?  #Thedailyjeff

The price of oil is so low, in a desperate move companies are getting creative.  I heard that Exxon is coming out with a single source, local, non-GMO, gluten-free, free range artismal gasoline.  (NPR)  #thedailyjeff

I just had a depressing thought.  We will have to endure EIGHT more months of presidential candidates and the media constantly yammering about….whatever.  The Brits have it right – six weeks and the whole thing is over.  Checking out real estate in the English countryside this afternoon.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Steatopygous:  The state of having a large amount of fat around one’s bottom. See also “callipygous”, being possessed of a beautiful bottom.  #thedailyjeff

I do my best profreading right after I hit send. #thedailyjeff

Scientific study just out.  Apparently Ice Cream makes your clothes shrink.  Who knew?  #thedailyjeff

The definition of irony: Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

Excellent advice….There is no victory in couples’ arguments.  If one wins the other loses.  Then you both lose. (From Selected Shorts on NPR)  #thedailyjeff

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.  #thedailyjeff

I’ve had a great life and I want to pay it forward.  So I’m willing to give, yes GIVE, someone 20 lbs. Please contact me directly for instructions.  #thedailyjeff

“Let us be dissatisfied until that day when nobody will shout, ‘White Power!’ ‘Black Power!’ But everybody will talk about God’s power and human power." Martin Luther King at the 11th Convention of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference on Aug. 16, 1967, in Atlanta  #thedailyjeffDeep thought of the day:  Freedom of choice doesn’t also come with freedom from consequences.  #thedailyjeff  

Obscure word of the day (and yes, it is true):  Allegator - Someone who alleges. #thedailyjeff

Everybody always asked the wrong question "Where's Waldo?" The real question is why is Waldo hiding? Was it for Child Support? Kidnapping? Murder? (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Pettifogger - A person who tries to befuddle others with his or her speech.  See “most Presidential candidates, especially ‘he who shall not be named.”’

Is there another word for synonym? #thedailyjeff

Wrong is wrong even if everybody does it…and right is right even if nobody does it. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day, and be careful using this one:  Quean - A disreputable woman.  Don’t say “You’re my Quean!”  Say “You’re my Queen!”    #thedailyjeff  

I wonder if there was ever an intelligent sentence that started with the word 'dude'? #thedailyjeff

February 11, 1964 Washington Post:  The Beatles are "imported hillbillies who looked like sheepdogs and sounded like alley cats in agony."  Newsweek that same week  "Visually, they are a nightmare: tight, dandified Edwardian beatnik suits and great pudding bowls of hair. Musically, they are near disaster: guitars and drums slamming out a merciless beat that does away with secondary rhythms, harmony and melody." #thedailyjeff

Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy." (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Callipygian - Having an attractive rear end or nice buns. #thedailyjeff

The reason good men are hard to find is because they're usually too busy working at a real job. (an.) #thedailyjeff

My grandmother is over 80 and she doesn't need glasses.....she drinks straight from the bottle. (anon) #thedailyjeff

I love the stupid things politicians say: This is Trump

  • "I play to people's fantasies.­­ It's an innocent form of exaggeration — and a very effective form of promotion.” (Donald Trump in Washington Post)​
  • "The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive." (Twitter)
  • "This very expensive GLOBAL WARMING bullshit has got to stop. Our planet is freezing, record low temps, and our GW scientists are stuck in ice." (Twitter)


Ate too much salad yesterday so I'm going on an ice cream cleanse for the entire weekend. #thedailyjeff

Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of sick world are we living in where people are having sex with a mosquito? #thedailyjeff

"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone as president.  #thedailyjeff

Only strong doses of common sense and reality stand between our presidential candidates and glory.  #thedailyjeff

I’m going to create a new company called “YOUber.” You call yourself and arrange for a ride in your own car, then pay me a small fee to oversee the transaction.  Brilliant!  #thedailyjeff

I just love the crazy things politicians say:  “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” President George W. Bush, August 5th, 2004 #thedailyjeff

No wonder young people like Bernie Sanders…he’s old, has white hair and wants to give them free stuff.  They think he is Santa Claus.  (Wait Wait/NPR) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Logorrhea - Pathologically excessive, repetitious and often incoherent talkativeness or wordiness that is characteristic especially of the manic phase of bipolar disorder. Related to diarrhea I guess. #thedailyjeff

You know those TV commercials where kids are living on 15 cents a day?  Here is my new retirement plan:  Get $1,000 in cash, get a plane ticket and move there.  #thedailyjeff

I just love the crazy stuff politicians say:
“Obama is just a social worker who wants to put ISIS on expanded Medicaid.” Ted Cruz on Fox News’ Hannity
“It is the job of a chaplain to be insensitive to atheists” Ted Cruz at a home schooling convention
“Gay marriage leads to Christianity becoming hate speech.” Ted Cruz on the Christian Broadcasting Network
“I am a very, very proud wacko bird” Ted Cruz on CBS News
“I have never seen a Hispanic panhandler” Ted Cruz on Fox News Sunday

My solution to the growing population of death row inmates.  Send them into space.  They're already used to spending long periods of time in confined spaces, no guards needed, and there is essentially no escape.  And if they run out of food or oxygen, who the F cares? #thedailyjeff 

If you're gonna label the silica gel in the box "do not eat," maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me.    #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Bloviate - To speak pompously or brag. To talk at length, especially in an inflated or empty way.  Hmmm….there certainly are a few bloviators in the presidential campaign.  #thedailyjeff

Years ago I had those adorable idiosyncrasies that everyone used to love.  Now they’ve become what my family refers to as "symptoms." #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Smellfungus - A perpetual pessimist, critic or fault-finder.  My oh my, this describes so many of the presidential candidates…#thedailyjeff

I have a love/hate relationship with strong/contradictory emotions. (anon) #thedailyjeff

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear." (Cyberbully)  #thedailyjeff

 “Scotch whiskey…I always take it at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.” (Mark Twain)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Slangwhanger - A loud abusive speaker or obnoxious writer. (Damn, we have a lot of slangwhangers out there!  More like SlangWANKERS) #thedailyjeff

 They say “Wise people think all they say... fools say all they think.” I don’t understand what that means but just wanted to tell everyone about it. #thedailyjeff

 "I've said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." —Donalt Trump  The View, 2006 #thedailyjeff

Campaign spending in Iowa can't be a good measure because if that were true Flo the Progressive lady would have won. (Stephen Colbert) ‪#‎thedailyjeff

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.  (anon) #thedailyjeff

“It’s a racist tax.” Rep. Ted Yoho (R-Florida) claimed that an Affordable Care Act tax on tanning salons was discriminatory against whites.  #thedailyjeff

Think about this….what if you spent your whole life trying to compete with people that, in the end, didn’t matter? #thedailyjeff

I just love the crazy stuff politicians say, especially when I purposely take the quote out of context for comedic effect:  “Life is indeed precious, and I believe the death penalty helps affirm this fact.” Former New York City mayor Edward Koch, in an essay published in The New Republic on April 15th, 1985

Obscure word of the day:  Crapulence: Discomfort from eating or drinking too much.  Ever wonder where the word “Crap” comes from? This is it.  #thedailyjeff

My dog just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Arf.  Arf arf arf.  Arf." I don’t know.  I don’t know…it sounds a little pretentious don’t you think?  #Thedailyjeff

The price of oil is so low, in a desperate move companies are getting creative.  I heard that Exxon is coming out with a single source, local, non-GMO, gluten-free, free range artismal gasoline.  (NPR)  #thedailyjeff

I just had a depressing thought.  We will have to endure EIGHT more months of presidential candidates and the media constantly yammering about….whatever.  The Brits have it right – six weeks and the whole thing is over.  Checking out real estate in the English countryside this afternoon.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Steatopygous:  The state of having a large amount of fat around one’s bottom. See also “callipygous”, being possessed of a beautiful bottom.  #thedailyjeff

I do my best profreading right after I hit send. #thedailyjeff

Scientific study just out.  Apparently Ice Cream makes your clothes shrink.  Who knew?  #thedailyjeff

The definition of irony: Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

Excellent advice….There is no victory in couples’ arguments.  If one wins the other loses.  Then you both lose. (From Selected Shorts on NPR)  #thedailyjeff

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.  #thedailyjeff

I’ve had a great life and I want to pay it forward.  So I’m willing to give, yes GIVE, someone 20 lbs. Please contact me directly for instructions.  #thedailyjeff

“Let us be dissatisfied until that day when nobody will shout, ‘White Power!’ ‘Black Power!’ But everybody will talk about God’s power and human power." Martin Luther King at the 11th Convention of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference on Aug. 16, 1967, in Atlanta  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Aeolist:  “A pompous person, pretending to have inspiration or spiritual insight.” Also see “the internet” and “every presidential candidate.”  #thedailyjeff

Powerball officials were thrilled yesterday when the most recent winner from Tennessee elected an annuity option where they would receive $1 a year for 580 million years.  #thedailyjeff

Does it sound creepy to say “I can’t believe I’m in your house… and this time you’re awake.” #thedailyjeff

The world gets a benefit from people contributing to things like the Sierra Club or World Wildlife Fund or Habitat for Humanity.   But we don’t force everyone to pay for them, even though they get a benefit.  Isn’t the same true of unions?  #thedailyjeff

I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once. (Anon)  #thedailyjeff

Vegetarians always say, “Animals have feelings too.” But what if all their feelings are evil? Research shows that cats would kill you if they were bigger and pigs will eat bacon. Stay strong carnivores! #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Prolix: Of a person “given to speaking or writing at great or tedious length.” Or of a piece of writing or speech of great, boring, and probably unnecessary length.  Sounds like our current Presidential primary dialogue. (Reuters)  #thedailyjeff
 
I’ve written a new book called “How to avoid money scams.”  It’s available on my personal website for $2,254.21. Buy it now. Cash only.   #thedailyjeff

 I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don't see what all the hype is about these paint brochures. It was actually pretty boring.  (Anon) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Eisenbahnscheinbewegung: View this image ›

“The false sensation of movement when, looking out from a stationary train, you see another train depart”

Three rules of the Viking Club:  (1) Always be devastatingly handsome, (2) find the most beautiful woman and marry her, and (3) let others be jealous that they aren't in the Viking Club. #thedailyjeff (J)

 I used to be in a band called "Missing Cat". You've probably seen our poster. (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeff

 “One who gives opinions on something beyond his or her knowledge.” See also: “politicians” and “everybody on the internet.”  #thedailyjeff

It's weird how no one on The Jetsons ever addresses the apocalyptic events that left only white Americans and dogs behind, living in the sky. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you. (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeffSuccess is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

Let's celebrate Columbus Day by walking into someone's house and telling them we live there now. #thedailyjeff

“Santa Claus has the right idea.  Only visit people once a year.”  (Victor Borge) #thedailyjeff

“Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure.“ (Amos Bronson Alcott)  #thedailyjeff

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. #thedailyjeff

Heard my own voice on a recording and wonder how I even have friends.  #thedailyjeff

So there's a film where a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son his left physically disabled. In a twist of events the son is kidnapped and kept in a tank while his father chases the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally challenged woman. Finding Nemo is quite the thriller. #thedailyjeff

Everyone wants happiness, but no one wants pain.  But you can't be a rainbow without a little rain. #thedailyjeff

Happiness is not the absence of problems. It's the presence of happiness. (Unknown)   #thedailyjeff

In life there really are only two questions you have to ask yourself:  1) what did you accomplish (the mark you made in the world) and 2) what did you do to get there (your ethics).  You have to be comfortable with the answers to both.  #thedailyjeff

Saddening that 'Happy I'm A Prostitute' Campaign was dropped By Brazil Government http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/06/05/happy-prostitute-campaign-dropped-by-government-_n_3388238.html

Hey, I said I'd be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.   #thedailyjeff

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.  #thedailyjeff

Just learned that hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first.  #thedailyjeff

Shouldn't diet pills be called "Girth Control Pills?" (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

I wonder if angry people know about naps and wine?  #thedailyjeff

The next time you feel you’re worthless just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.  #thedailyjeff

I always wonder what kind of food people are talking about when they say “I need some brain food.” Then I start realizing that we may be closer to having a zombie apocalypse than I thought. (J) #thedailyjeff

I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice. #thedailyjeff

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store. #thedailyjeff

Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be. #thedailyjeff

I try to live everyday as if it were my last. Who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive? #thedailyjeff

Nothing strikes more fear into a man as when a woman smiles really big and asks, "Notice anything different?"   #thedailyjeff

Dear Karma:  I have a list of people you missed.  #thedailyjeff

Don't grow up.  It's a trap.   #thedailyjeff

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either.   #thedailyjeff

I'd like to party like its 1999, then I realize that was 14 years ago and I can't stay up past 11 o'clock now. So screw you Prince.   #thedailyjeff

I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.     #thedailyjeff

Instructions to people in the Swiss Army:  Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. #thedailyjeff

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.  (Henry Ford)   #thedailyjeff

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. (Henry Ford)  #thedailyjeff

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, say as much as you can.” - the internet   #thedailyjeff

Remember, Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks. (Ricky Gervais) #thedailyjeff

Extreme Jesus died on the motocross at the X Games  #thedailyjeff 2

Yes, this is a true headline:  " Romanian man sues priests for failing to exorcise flatulent demons" http://theorthodoxchurch.info/blog/news/2013/04/romanian-man-sues-priests-for-failing-to-exorcise-flatulent-demons/  #thedailyjeff

I have found the key to happiness.  Stay the hell away from assholes. (Glen Harder) #thedailyjeff

Really tired after participating in the 5 centimeter charity run for ADHD. #thedailyjeff (J)

Just won a Nobel Prize for untangling a pair of earbuds.  #thedailyjeff

Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments section below.  #thedailyjeff

Just stirred my coffee with a fork.  So if any of you guys are looking for a new gangsta bad boy to join your crew, just let me know. #thedailyjeff

I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really sure, but was too worried to ask. #thedailyjeff

Just slammed 12 wheatgrass shots now everyone at Whole Foods is trying to take my keys.  #thedailyjeff

Was talking about the brothels in Las Vegas with a friend and had to explain to him that they sell things other than broth.  #thedailyjeff

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. #thedailyjeff

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. #thedailyjeff (J)

I'm not saying I am Batman, I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room...#thedailyjeff

"Got a paper cut writing a suicide note….it’s a start."  (Thanks for Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

Hard to believe Mark Sanford from South Carolina got reelected. Just wondering how he'll use his expertise in foreign affairs to really make a difference.  #thedailyjeff

I heard someone one say "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all." I don't know what that means but that guy is an idiot.  #thedailyjeff

I remember when broadband meant a bunch of old ladies playing trumpets and tubas.  #thedailyjeff

Perhaps the dumbest funded research on the planet:  "Walking with Coffee:  Why does it spill?  By H. C. Mayer and R. Krechetnikov, Department of Mechanical Engineering, University of California, Santa Barbara.  They studied problem represents an example of the interplay between the complex motion of a cup, due to the biomechanics of a walking individual, and the low-viscosity-liquid dynamics in it.   http://pre.aps.org/pdf/PRE/v85/i4/e046117 

Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls)   #thedailyjeff  

Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've "Gone Commando" a few times in your life  #thedailyjeff

I'm fine with the Heritage for the Blind asking for donations, but I really have to question why they would ask people to donate cars to them.  (J) #thedailyjeff

I'm not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I'm simply suggesting we remove all warning labels and let the problem sort itself out through natural selection. #thedailyjeff

What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?  #thedailyjeff  

Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.  #thedailyjeff

Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about what's been going on in your life.  #thedailyjeff
 
Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. For example, a Russian girl doesn't need to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful.   #thedailyjeff

The first rule of dad club:  “Shut the goddamn door on your way in, we're not trying to heat the whole outdoors here.” (@BuckyIsotope)  #thedailyjeff

The book I'm reading says "4-6 years" on the cover, but there's only like 6 words on each page. I'll be finished by the end of the week.   #thedailyjeff

Sneezed. Nobody blessed me. Going to hell.   #thedailyjeff

"Dear NASA: Your momma thought I was big enough to be a real planet." Pluto  #thedailyjeff

Have you noticed that gas stations are becoming more like mini-malls?  Where else could you get gas, a Slim Jim, bullets, potoporri, and a t-shirt with a beaver on it in one convenient place?  #thedailyjeff (J)

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. #thedailyjeff

You don’t have to explain something you never said. #thedailyjeff

You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant. #thedailyjeff

When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me. #thedailyjeff

Publilius Syrus said "Every day should be passed as if it were to be our last." With a name like Pubilius, he probably got beat up in middle school so many times that he expected EVERY day was his last.  #thedailyjeff

My advice to graduates:  To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. #thedailyjeff

Relationship advice.  When someone says "We need to talk" it apparently mean is "You need to listen."   #thedailyjeff

I bet cats think people wish they were cats.  Dogs, however, wish they were people.  #thedailyjeff

I don't let my dog outside. I'm worried he might talk to other dogs & find out that their owners don't force them to wear little party hats and gaucho pants.   #thedailyjeff

Here's an idea:  Restructure the tax code so that the percent you pay is related to your waist size.  It will cure obesity because more people will be skinny, and simplify the tax code….You're welcome.  #thedailyjeff(J)

I was talking to someone the other day and he said he liked talking in parables but I thought he said "pair of balls" which was totally awkward.    #thedailyjeff (J)

According to CNN, an arena roof collapsed trapping 100 people attending a carrier pigeon fair in southern Poland. What I'm trying to determine is how there are 100 people interested in carrier pigeons. (J) #thedailyjeff

Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.  #thedailyjeff

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator. #thedailyjeff2

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of little old ladies running around with tramp stamp tattoos? Ewwwww!) #thedailyjeff

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. Looking into my family, I'm trying to figure out which one. Wondering if it's my Mom or my Dad or my sister Diane. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Diane. #thedailyjeff

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. #thedailyjeff

I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.  #thedailyjeff  2

Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them all to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping.  #thedailyjeff

Hitting the gym to relieve stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the person who caused it in the first place.  #thedailyjeff
 
Twenty Keys to a Happy Life
Compliment three people every day
Watch a sunrise
Be the first to say “Hello.”
Live beneath your means
Treat everyone, as you want to be treated
Never give up on anybody; miracles happen
Forget the Jones’s
Remember someone’s name
Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage
Be tough-minded, but tenderhearted
Be kinder than  you have to be
Don’t forget that a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated
Keep your promises
Learn to show cheerfulness even when you don’t feel it
Remember that overnight success usually takes 25 years
Leave everything better than you found it
Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do
When you arrive at your job in the morning let the first thing you say brighten everyone’s day
Don’t rain on other peoples parades
Don’t waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them


Tough times don’t last. Tough people do.  #thedailyjeff (J)

You are only as kind and good as you treat the worst person we encounter on their worst day.  You can't elevate yourself until you raise your lowest point. #thedailyjeff

Selfishness diminishes you. Unselfishness elevates you.   Get on the elevator.  (J) #thedailyjeff

Remember when I got a ticket from the police for running a red light on a bicycle? Turns out my payment check was a dime short, yes 10 cents or $0.10 or 0.7581 Euros, or 93.2 Yen or 2087.45 Vietnamese Dongs (sorry, that last one just sounds funny). So I must DRIVE BY the department of motor vehicles to deliver a dime before March 17, or there will be a warrant for my arrest.  You don't want to be near me….I'm a hardened criminal.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make this fun? #thedailyjeff (J)

You have to be able to do what others won't in order to achieve what others don't.  #thedailyjeff

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. #thedailyjeff

"Dear NASA: Your momma thought I was big enough to be a real planet." Pluto  #thedailyjeff

I wish my dog would do the laundry while I'm gone all day. He needs to get a job for gosh sakes!  #thedailyjeff

As people get thinner we say that they have 'lost' weight.  Does that mean that as people get heavier they have 'found' it?  (i.e. "I'm not getting heavier...I just found some weight.") #thedailyjeff (J)

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas." (Anon) #thedailyjeff

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I look up his nose? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?   #thedailyjeff

They say “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” (Not sure where I found this, but just wanted to tell everyone about it)  #thedailyjeff (J)

FREE HOROSCOPE: You look terrible today. Avoid stuff and people. Don't buy a Kindle. Also, brush your teeth more often.  #thedailyjeff

“It is astounding to realize that perhaps half of all human knowledge has been discovered or created in the past century. But then again, so has that half that’s bullshit.” (D. H. Futterman, 1988)  #thedailyjeff

I used to have washboard abs, but now they’re more like washtub abs.  #thedailyjeff

Ever notice how it's never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes? (Anon) #thedailyjeffIs Kansas flatter than a pancake?  According to a recent study by Texas State University a pancake has a “flatness rating” if 0.957, where 1.00 is perfectly flat.  Kansas has a rating of 0.9997.  #thedailyjeff

Prejudiced people are all alike.  #thedailyjeff

I have my doubts about disbelief.  #thedailyjeff

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.  #thedailyjeff

Here is a super simple idea that would save a lot of problems:  If the police say stop, just stop. #thedailyjeff

“Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.” (Harry S. Truman)  #thedailyjeff

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. (Mitch Hedberg)   #thedailyjeff

Be alert - the world needs more lerts.  #thedailyjeff

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. (Will Rogers) #thedailyjeff

It’s hard to trust humans. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.  #thedailyjeff

I think Ben Carson really need to see his doctor to talk about adjusting his prescription for Ambien. #thedailyjeff

Push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex's house down. I believe in you! (Anon)

Breaking news:  Donald Trump voted “Sexiest man alive” in the recent issue of his self-published magazine. #thedailyjeff

I think the thing that would really boost Jeb Bush’s campaign would be if he guest starred on an episode of “The Walking Dead.”  Great promotional tie in. #thedailyjeff

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way.  I wish life worked like that. #thedailyjeff

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example."  (Mark Twain - 1835-1910) #thedailyjeff

Every person has an opportunity to bring you joy. Some when you see them, some when they leave. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.  Just thinking…..#thedailyjeff

According to the IRS, the “tax gap” — the amount of tax due but uncollected — stands at nearly $400 billion each year. As of 2015, the Federal deficit $439 billion.  Here is a novel idea…collect the damn taxes!  #thedailyjeff

If your foot falls asleep during the day, does that mean it will be up all night?  Isn't that what Restless Leg Syndrome is all about?  #thedailyjeff (J)

 “My new book about doing your own hair color is a total flop. I haven't sold one copy of A Guide to Dying Alone.” (DanMentos) #thedailyjeff

The problem with growing old.  Hair grows where it shouldn’t and hair doesn’t grow where it should.  #thedailyjeff

I would like to thank everybody who prayed for me during those five long minutes my house didn't have internet. It was tough, but I made it.  #thedailyjeff

 “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect.” (Mark Twain) #thedailyjeff

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'  (Steven Wright)  #thedailyjeff

 I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.  (Demetri Martin)  #thedailyjeff

 In order to have great happiness you have to have great pain and unhappiness - otherwise how would you know when you're happy? (Leslie Caron) #thedailyjeff

 Donald Trump:  I can explain him to you, but I can’t understand him for you…or anyone else. #thedailyjeff

 Just heard a radio commercial for a kid's camp that offers air conditioned cabins and options for special dietary needs.  Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the camper experience?  You're actually SUPPOSED to get hot, get bitten by bugs, sleep poorly, eat gross food, play with knives and get poison ivy.  That's what camp is all about. #thedailyjeff  (J)

 Thinking of seeing the movie Noah this weekend, which we all know is the tragic sequel to the movie "We Bought a Zoo" with Matt Damian ‪#‎thedailyjeff


The recent landslide in Washington is certainly tragic, but consider this...the name of the hill above the area - the one that killed all those people - was called….wait for it….wait for it…."Landslide hill."  Coinsicence?  I sure as hell wouldn't live there. #thedailyjeff  (J)

 If your glass is always half empty, buy smaller glasses. #thedailyjeff

If your glass is always half empty, buy smaller glasses. #thedailyjeff

My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance of idiots that really needs work.  #thedailyjeff

 How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?  #thedailyjeff

Not everything that can be counted counts, and everything that counts can't be counted (Albert Einstein)  #thedailyjeff

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round. (anon) #thedailyjeff

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important." (Bertrand Russell - 1872-1970) #thedailyjeff

 Here are ten choices that ultimately lead to this phrase of regret, and how to elude them:

1. Wearing a mask to impress others. You don’t have to be perfect to impress and inspire people.  Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.

2. Letting someone else create your dreams for you. – The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find. 

3. Keeping negative company. – Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you.  Don’t let them get to you

4. Being selfish and egotistical. – A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone. 

5. Avoiding change and growth. –You must let go of the old to make way for the new

6. Giving up when the going gets tough. – There are no failures, just results. 

7. Trying to micromanage every little thing. – Life should be touched, not strangled. 

8. Settling for less than you deserve. – Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.  Don’t settle.

9. Endlessly waiting until tomorrow. –One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to work on the things you’ve always wanted to do.  You will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you haven’t.  

10. Being lazy and wishy-washy. – The world doesn’t owe you anything, you owe the world something.  So stop daydreaming and start DOING

Rubix cubes are EASY....when you're color blind. #thedailyjeff

Advice to men:  If a woman ever says "Are you wearing that?" it should never be worn.  It's best to throw it away now. Trust me on this one.  #thedailyjeff (J)

Hoping to meet the Pope on his trip to the US but honestly, I find he has a real “holier than thou attitude.” #thedailyjeff

If you sleep with your socks on, please unfollow. I do not support you or your lifestyle. (Sageboggs) #thedailyjeff

Good advice:  If it is everybody's job then it's nobody's job.  Ultimately someone has to be accountable. #thedailyjeff

The other day someone said I was  photogenic. I was flattered until I realized they were actually saying I look uglier in person than I do in pictures. #thedailyjeff

 The recent Presidential debates were just like death…only slower and louder.  #thedailyjeff

 “It has not been easy for me. I started off in Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan of $1 million." (Donald Trump) #thedailyjeff

I take my food with a double shot of gluten, just to be sure.  #thedailyjeff

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did’." (Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts) #thedailyjeff

 Ran out of Manila envelopes. Off to the Philippines.‪#‎thedailyjeff 

Just saw a redhead drinking Ginger Ale and eating Cheetos. It looks to be making him stronger. We must stop him before it's too late. #thedailyjeff

 “Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.” (Mitch Hedberg)  #thedailyjeff
 
Did USA Today think, even for a second, that this headline might be interpreted a different way?  “Gay marriage debate's sore winners.”  http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2015/04/07/indiana-gay-protection-memories-pizza-eich-column/25373045/ #thedailyjeff"Y'know, she was actually pretty convincing." - Me walking out of a movie where Meryl Streep plays a Chinese UFC fighter (Seth McFarlane) #thedailyjeff

Figured out the Republican strategy for Trump.  They let him be the stalking horse, say weird stuff because he doesn’t give a shit, and that makes the other guys look electable.  Brilliant!

I wonder if skunks can smell their own farts.  #thedailyjeff

So many conservatives & atheists are angry at the Pope’s visit they are spreading the rumor that he is a Muslim.  #thedailyjeff

[Insert clever remark here]  #thedailyjeff

Phrases you don't want connected to your name:  morbidly obese, convicted pedophile, and politician. Any others?   How about Tea Party Spokesman, creationist, bail, house arrest, "the torso of," disemboweled corpse, partial remains, solicitation, deadbeat, erectile, malpractice, defendant, flatulent, kleptomaniac, disgraced, rectal, decomposed, decapitated, terminal, malignant, president of the Justin Bieber Fab Club, parolee, convicted, unemployed, indigent, corpse, mauled, incontinent, Darwin Award Winner, once-great, departed, or republican   #thedailyjeff (J)

There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

I’m convinced that the European probe Philae lander is only scouting a new location for Wal-Mart on comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko #thedailyjeff

 Does this headline from yesterday bother anyone else”  “Bush fatigue in Iowa.”  #thedailyjeff

I won’t be impressed by 3d printers until I can print a cold stout porter beer in a frozen mug. #thedailyjeff

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. #thedailyjeff

80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts... #thedailyjeff

Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass. #thedailyjeff

Don't follow your passion.  Bring it with you. (Mike Rowe) #thedailyjeff

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.   #thedailyjeff

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? #thedailyjeff
                                                     
If you tell the truth, it becomes a part of your past.  If you lie, it becomes a part of your future. (Anon.) #thedailyjeff

My secret lover, John Deere, and I are extremely grateful that Rep. Steve King (R - IA) has allowed man/mower unions to step out from the shadows. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/domenick-scudera/i-am-betrothed-to-my-john_b_7932432.html

[DOG MAGICIAN] Think of a color, any color...let me guess…is it...gray? [OTHER DOG] oh my God…how did you guess that? #thedailyjeff

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.  #thedailyjeff

"We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we have only one."
(Confucius 551-479 B.C.) #thedailyjeff

Was thinking about the term “meteoric rise,” as in “Trump has made a meteoric rise in the polls.”  But don’t meteors actually fall & burn in flames? #thedailyjeff

"You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there." - Yogi Berra (1925-2015) #thedailyjeff

 WORD WITH NO ENGLISH EQUIVLENT:
Layogenic (Tagalog) This means that someone looks OK from afar, but up close they look more like an abstract painting.
Rhwe (Tsonga, South Africa)  This is actually a word for “to sleep on the floor without a mat, while drunk and naked.”

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.” (Ellen DeGeneres) #thedailyjeff

The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate. (Amigo) #thedailyjeff

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.” (Frank Sinatra) #thedailyjeff

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." (Soren Kierkegaard)    #thedailyjeff

"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits." (Albert Einstein)  #thedailyjeff

Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous.  Any suggestions?  #thedailyjeff


“Sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind but falling in love and not getting arrested.” (Hunter S. Thompson) #thedailyjeff

 Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything (thenatewolf) #thedailyjeff

When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.  #thedailyjeff 

It's much easier - and more important - to turn a friendship into love, rather than love into friendship.   #thedailyjeff

Life is like a roller coaster. Without its downs, there wouldn't be any ups & nobody likes a roller coaster that only stays on one level.   #thedailyjeff

Was in the checkout line in Wal-Mart behind a guy buying underwear, dog treats and whiskey.  I don't even want to know how they are going to be used.  #thedailyjeff

If you're wondering about my cooking skills, I've been asked to bring only paper towels and cups to our family gathering. Especially after the "Barbequed chicken incident" and the many "this meat is still raw" incidences.   #thedailyjeff

I lost my mood ring today, not sure how I feel about it. (Stephen Wright) #thedailyjeff

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.   #thedailyjeff

I fondly remember fishing with my Dad. We caught a sting ray and some flounder. He was a great dad, but even better bait.   (What?  Too soon?)  #thedailyjeff

I wonder if Bill Cosby is rethinking his quote:   “A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.” (Bill Cosby)   #thedailyjeff

It should not be easier to get an assault rifle than it is to get mental healthcare.  #thedailyjeff

I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.  #thedailyjeff

The number of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.    #thedailyjeff

First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.  #thedailyjeff

"That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." – Sharks, Toddlers and Dogs.   #thedailyjeff

"Dear NASA: Your momma thought I was big enough to be a real planet." Pluto  #thedailyjeff

If history repeats itself than I am SO getting a dinosaur. #thedailyjeff

Punctuation is important.  Consider these sentences"  Let's eat Gramma."  "Let's eat, Gramma."  Commas can save lives!  #thedailyjeff

Olive Garden says "When you're here, you're family." What a load of bull. Not one waiter has come up to me, drunk, saying I'll never amount to anything.  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

College seminar on preventing sexual assault:  “Thrust but verify.” #thedailyjeff (J)

An odd thought…The objective of golf is to play the least amount of golf. #thedailyjeff

I hope excellent manners becomes the next cool trend. #thedailyjeff

I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.  #thedailyjeff

It's easier to get into hell than to heaven because there's only a Stairway to Heaven, but there's a Highway to Hell.  #thedailyjeff

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” (Charles Darwin)  #thedailyjeff

"Innovation is not about saying yes to everything. It's about saying no to all but the most crucial features." (Steve Jobs) #thedailyjeff

"In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." (Dereke Bruce) #thedailyjeff

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. (Steven Wright)  #thedailyjeff

Don't Manatees look like retired football players?  #thedailyjeff

Why aren't cough drops called anti-cough drops? We don't use bacterial soap.  #thedailyjeff

I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is the match to this sock?" and it would be like, "It's in the drier dumbass."  #thedailyjeff

The ladder of life is full of splinters, but they always prick the hardest when we’re sliding down. (William L. Brownell)  #thedailyjeff

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. (Confucius)  #thedailyjeff

When God asks what you’ve done with your life, try not to say “Didn’t you read my Facebook statuses?”   #thedailyjeff

Prediction is very difficult, especially when it is about the future. (Niels Bohr) #thedailyjeff

We probably have the only dog that actively watches TV.  He is getting old, however.  He used to bark only at other dogs on TV.  Then as his eyesight got worse, it was horses.  Yesterday it was an ad for roses, which leads me to believe he is now legally blind.  #thedailyjeff

Stillness is what actually kills us, not action.  #thedailyjeff

As if the threats of terrorism and suicide bombings isn't enough for the Sochi Olympics, the carrying of the Olympic Torch was plagued with problems too.  It went out many times, only to be relit by bystanders, and there was the guy who had a heart attack after taking it one block. But my favorite story is the torchbearer that accidently lit himself on fire with it. http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2014/feb/04/winter-olympics-torch-relay-sochi?view=mobile #thedailyjeff

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.   (Unknown) #thedailyjeff 2

America gets called fat and stupid by all nations, and then beats the crap out of them in the Olympics.  Discuss….. #thedailyjeff

It makes more sense to dump Gatorade on the losing head coach. #thedailyjeff

As I said before, I never repeat myself. #thedailyjeff

There are 302 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable. #thedailyjeff

The best person for a job is generally the one that understands it enough to not want it. #thedailyjeff

"Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.  #thedailyjeff

Hard to go on living when I realize Snooki met my life goals of losing weight and becoming a bestselling author before I did.  #thedailyjeff

Don't think of it as a flu shot. Think of it as installing virus protection software.  #thedailyjeff

No one speaks face-to-face anymore -- Tweeting, texting, Facebooking, emailing, voicemail. Shouldn't we call this 'anti-social media?"  #thedailyjeff

Some people might as well post "Wants Attention" as their Facebook status."  Good thing I'm not one of those losers.  #thedailyjeff  

 When accountants go insane, do they start to hear invoices?  #thedailyjeff

It isn't that I'm not a people person.  I'm just not a stupid people person.  #thedailyjeff

Every time I consider being healthy, I remember ice cream. #thedailyjeff

Internet speeds would be a lot faster if it wasn't for all the bandwidth hogs watching their cats sleep by webcam. #thedailyjeff

Sent this text:  "We can tall somete timanye!"  Can't decide if I'm bad at texting, dyslexic, or speaking in tongues again. #thedailyjeff 

Sorry but your password must now contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of three bats.   #thedailyjeff

There is no reason to tailgate someone in the slow lane, especially when I'm going 35 miles per hour over the speed limit. Those flashing lights on the top of your car look ridiculous too.   #thedailyjeff

Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.    #thedailyjeff

I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they're and their. From now on I'm going to point it out there error.  #thedailyjeff 

We don’t grow when things are easy; we grow when we face challenges. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.  (P. J. O'Rourke)  #thedailyjeff

I can't count on my calculator for ANYTHING!  #thedailyjeff

 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.  (Samuel Butler)   #thedailyjeff

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.   #thedailyjeff

Ted Cruz is going to make 120 cats very happy one day. #thedailyjeff

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” (Hans Hofmann) #thedailyjeff

Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? "Well, it all started one day when your dad 'liked' one of my selfies." #thedailyjeff

What I hate most about Twitter, is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi   (Anon) #thedailyjeff

Anger is a valuable tool. The world has been changed for the better when someone is pissed off at the way things are. #thedailyjeffBeing in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.  (Eugene McCarthy)  #thedailyjeff

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” (Pablo Picasso) #thedailyjeff

"To acquire knowledge one must study. To acquire wisdom one must observe." (Marilyn Vos Savant)  Jeff adds…"I'm watching you, so don't mess this one up."   #thedailyjeff

My favorite quote:  “Art is never finished, only abandoned.” (Leonardo da Vinci) #thedailyjeff

My second favorite quote:  “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”  (Leonardo da Vinci)  #thedailyjeff

"It's payback time, bitches!" - What new parents think every morning when they wake their kids up.  #thedailyjeff

Decided to write a book on parenting but it ended up being full of cocktail recipes.  So I'm considering changing the title to "Reasons why Dad is always so happy." #thedailyjeff (J)  

Extreme book summary:  "The story of my life" by Hans Christian Anderson.  I'm poor and stupid and so odd that people feel sorry for me and educate me.  I write fairytales that everyone hates...Then I die… then they like them. #thedailyjeff

Extreme book summary:  "Unbroken: A World War Story of Survival, Resilience and Redemption" by Laura Hillenbrand. Louis went to the Olympics, then he joined the army, got shot down and was a POW for years.  He starved.  People were mean.  Then he got rescued. Then he drank a lot. (J) #thedailyjeff

Jews must be excellent drivers.  I've driven all across the USA and have never seen a Star of David on a single roadside memorial.  Using that same logic, Christians must be crappy drivers. #thedailyjeff   (J)  

Evidently, my admirers are all secret.  #thedailyjeff

I don't know what the Dog Whisperer is all about.  I have to yell at my dog. #thedailyjeff

Women's magazines are so funny. 1: You're beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: You're fat and can lose 20 pounds in 10 days.  3. Why men are such pigs. 4. How to snag the man of your dreams.  #thedailyjeff

OK, in the last week I heard three really weird first names.  "Anil" (supposed to be pronounced ah-NIL but sounds like anal), Assole (pronounced aSOLee) and "Penis" (pronounced pe-NAY).  These names are right up there with one of my faves, "Female"...or maybe it was spelled F'Male (Pronounced fah-MAH-lee). #thedailyjeff

No one speaks face-to-face anymore -- Tweeting, texting, Facebook'ing, emailing, voicemail. Shouldn't we call this 'anti-social media?"  #thedailyjeff

Some people might as well post "Wants Attention" as their Facebook status."  Good thing I'm not one of those losers.   #thedailyjeff

I have no beef with vegetarians #thedailyjeff

This guy gave me a free copy of his book today. An actual printed copy! I had no idea they were still doing this kind of thing. It's fancy.  #thedailyjeff

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy." (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am not sure.  #thedailyjeff

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work.  (Gallagher) #thedailyjeff

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.  (Wendell Johnson) #thedailyjeff

If a messy desk is the sign of a messy mind, what is an empty desk the sign of?  (J) #thedailyjeff

Don't underestimate me... unless you're trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh. #thedailyjeff (J)

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.  #thedailyjeff

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. #thedailyjeff

"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. #thedailyjeff

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. (Mel Brooks) #thedailyjeff

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. (Saint Augustine)  #thedailyjeff

“I went to a restaurant that served breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the renaissance.” (Stephen Wright) #thedailyjeff

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943 #thedailyjeff

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana....The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.” (Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show)  #thedailyjeff

My friends say I'm indecisive, but I'm not so sure  #thedailyjeff

Ambivalent? Well yes and no....  #thedailyjeff

People say you can't live without love...I think oxygen is more important. #thedailyjeff

Am I the only person that blames global warming on those Amish?  Geeze, wake up people. #thedailyjeff

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands...especially if they are placed around your throat. #thedailyjeff

It’s really awkward when you hear your own voice on a recording and wonder how you even have friends.   #thedailyjeff

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in.  (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. (Zig Ziglar)  #thedailyjeff

“If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business because we'd be too cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.”  (Annie Dillard)  #thedailyjeff

“The true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good.” (Ann Landers)   #thedailyjeff

Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional. We cannot avoid pain, but we can avoid joy. (Tim Hansel)   #thedailyjeff

Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.  (Charles Schulz) #thedailyjeff

Please be sure to neuter your pets, weird friends and relatives.  #thedailyjeff

Some people suck the life out of any room they are in.  Wouldn't it be great if they could suck some fat too?  (Thanks to Lori Sterrett)  #thedailyjeff

Long day. Can't wait to get home and curl up with a good The Internet.    #thedailyjeff

If good things come to those who wait, isn't procrastination a virtue?  #thedailyjeff

Laugh at your problems...everybody else does.  #thedailyjeff

BEST ADVICE: Always have faith and believe in yourself... Because the rest of us think you’re an idiot.  #thedailyjeff

The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.   #thedailyjeff

My mirror, my camera and my mind have completely different ideas of what I look like.   #thedailyjeff

How to write good: Avoid alliteration.  Always.  #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Avoid clichés like the plague.  They are old hat.  #thedailyjeff

One should never generalize.  #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary  #thedailyjeff

Who needs rhetorical questions?   #thedailyjeff

 What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.  #thedailyjeff

I bet blind people don't skydive because it would scare the shit out of their dog. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you. #thedailyjeff

Is horsepower really still the best measure we have for how powerful cars are?   #thedailyjeff

"Are you lactating?" -- "Got milk?" as originally translated into Spanish for advertising in Mexico

 I'm disappointment in your grammar. #thedailyjeff

What is more scary than any candidate or policy is the gullibility of the public to believe what they say.  #thedailyjeff

It's much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.   #thedailyjeff

"Be a prostitute." -- The Dr. Pepper advertising slogan "Be a Pepper," as understood in England, where "pepper" is slang for "prostitute." Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too? #thedailyjeff

There should be a body shop called Auto Correct. How come other people don't think of stuff like this? #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Sentence fragments?  Eliminate. #thedailyjeff

I can’t understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I’m frightened by old ones. (John Cage)  #thedailyjeff

“Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.” (William B. Sprague) #thedailyjeff

I love this quote:  “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”  (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

“To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” Elbert Hubbard #thedailyjeff

"You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say." (Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald) Jeff adds, I don't know what this means but thought I would write about it. #thedailyjeff 

In order to get a cab license in Copenhagen there seems to be a prerequisite to have several Ns and Ys, plus an A and an O with dots over them in your name plus some other characters.  Like that symbol that is a O with dots.  On the periodic table, I think that is the symbol for Osmium.  #thedailyjeff

 I bet Lance Armstrong is rethinking this quote:  “I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.”  #thedailyjeff

It would be great to be a dog.  Everything is brand new & exciting every day.  Hey, there's another dog's butt!  Hey there's a squirrel!  Hey, there's food! (J) #thedailyjeff

Jesus performed a lot of miracles, but nobody ever mentions carpentry.  They never said “Thanks for the loaves and fishes, but I could really use a TV entertainment center.”   What….too soon? #thedailyjeff (J) 

Just unearthed from an ancient carving.  They got it wrong.  Martyrdom doesn’t get you 72 virgins.  It gets you one 72-year old virgin.   Awkward.  (J) #thedailyjeff

Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser. (Vince Lombardi)   #thedailyjeff

My old high school physics teacher has only 6 followers on Facebook. Karma's a bitch, sucka!  #thedailyjeff

Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?" #thedailyjeff

Spent the night playing poker with Tarot cards.  I eventually won because four people died.  (Stephen Wright)

"There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience."  (French Proverb) No wonder I couldn’t sleep last night…  #thedailyjeff

"Ask yourself how you would act if all the world were looking at you, and act accordingly." (Thomas Jefferson)   #thedailyjeff

If life gives you lemons keep them...hey, free lemons. #thedailyjeff

Every time a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of.  #thedailyheff 

Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger. #thedailyjeff

Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing? #thedailyjeff

I hopped out of bed this morning like Fred Astaire. Or anyone else, really, who has been dead for 20 years. #thedailyjeff

We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid! #thedailyjeff

If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.  #thedailyjeff

Emotional roller coasters aren't like the ones you see at the theme park.  There is really no height restriction. You know..."You must be over 42" to ride this ride." This is why Kim Jung Un is riding like a boss!  #thedailyjeff

I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.  #thedailyjeff

I was eating my daily apple and a doctor walked right up to me... My whole life has been a lie.  #thedailyjeff

They say "The only thing worse than hate is indifference."  I don't know what that means but I could care less.   #thedailyjeff

If the elevator doesn't come right away, why do we push the button more times, and harder.  Do we believe the elevator is going to think, "Gosh, I have a crowd out there, I'd better hurry!"  No?  Yet we still do it….. #thedailyjeff

We can send a robot 136 million miles to Mars and remotely conduct complicated experiments, but I can't get a stupid vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar bill.  Explain that to me.  #thedailyjeff

Summary of eight hours of painful defensive driving training to get out of a 92mph ticket:  You need to have vision in order to drive safely.  If you go fast, slow down.  If it is dark or raining do something about it.  If there are people around don't drive into them.  Got it.  #thedailyjeff

Saw a woman throw a cigarette butt out her car window today and it just pisses me off.  Did you know that cigarette butts make up half of all roadside litter? And did you know that it takes a cigarette butt 25 years to decompose because of the plastic in the filter.  So keep your damn butts to yourself!  (Yes, I got this from my Defensive Driving course)  #thedailyjeff

Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. You're welcome.   #thedailyjeff

Some people have a way with words. Other people have not way. #thedailyjeff

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.  (Thanks to Oscar Wilde) #thedailyjeff 

They just introduced a beer for dogs.  Great, now I need a new designated driver. (from Steven Colbert) #thedailyjeff

Let's be honest Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy doesn't think he's the most interesting man in the world?  #thedailyjeff

Wouldn't Yoda be a great therapist? #thedailyjeff

"The last ''Sup?'" - cool Bible   #thedailyjeff

l never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.  #thedailyjeff

I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am not sure.  #thedailyjeff

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work.  (Gallagher) #thedailyjeff

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.  (Wendell Johnson) #thedailyjeff

If a messy desk is the sign of a messy mind, what is an empty desk the sign of?  (J) #thedailyjeff

Don't underestimate me... unless you're trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh. #thedailyjeff (J)

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.  #thedailyjeff

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. #thedailyjeff

"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. #thedailyjeff

 Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. (Mel Brooks) #thedailyjeff

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. (Saint Augustine)  #thedailyjeff

“I went to a restaurant that served breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the renaissance.” (Stephen Wright) #thedailyjeff

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943 #thedailyjeff

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana....The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.” (Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show)  #thedailyjeff

My friends say I'm indecisive, but I'm not so sure  #thedailyjeff

Ambivalent? Well yes and no....  #thedailyjeff

Horror is bad, horrific is bad. Terror is bad, terrific is good? Did I miss something? #thedailyjeff

If you’re going through hell, keep going & come over to my house with some wine. #thedailyjeff

"If sunlight is such a great disinfectant, then why can't I eat chicken that's been left out on a park bench?" -- Stephen Colbert  #thedailyjeff

Consider how crazy this is:  the words cite, site, and sight are all pronounced the same but have different meanings.  How do we expect non-English speakers to understand English?  #thedailyjeff

A procrastinator's work is never done.   #thedailyjeff

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment, because you have to deal with everyone else that doesn't have it.    #thedailyjeff

They call today Fat Tuesday, which is really insensitive.   It is only that way because it has a thyroid condition.  #thedailyjeff

"When I graduated from college I had a 4.0.  Unfortunately that was my blood alcohol level, not my grade point average." (James Carville) #thedailyjeff

Apparently the first rule of the Vegan Club is to tell everybody about the Vegan Club.  #thedailyjeff

Scientology is awesome. It is the only religion that combines science and gynecology. #thedailyjeff

There are 302 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.  #thedailyjeff

"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it." - Lyndon B. Johnson   #thedailyjeff

Mahatma Gandhi said "There is more to life than increasing its speed." I say yes but it still feels great to drive down a highway at 90mph in a Porsche.  (or 92mph as the ticket said)  #thedailyjeff

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." (Napoleon Bonaparte)  #thedailyjeff

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes." (Albert Einstein)  #thedailyjeff

 "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." (John F. Kennedy)  #thedailyjeff

"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes." (Winston Churchill)  #thedailyjeff

My advice to a PhD history student "There's no future in history." #thedailyjeff 

Consider this conundrum:  You could have a woman who is 5"5" and is a size 10 standing next to another woman who is 5'10" and a size 5.  How do you expect men to figure this out?  (Thanks to Alonzo Bodden) #thedailyjeff

USA Today, March 4, 2013:  "Gunshot wounds and deaths cost Americans at least $12 billion a year in court proceedings, insurance costs and hospitalizations paid for by government health programs, according to a recent study….gunfire deaths and injuries incur a direct societal cost of $32 per gun...

1992, medical care for a fatal shooting averaged $14,500. In 2010, that number reached $28,700...According to government statistics analyzed by Miller for the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation, costs to the government in 2010 broke down this way:
$5.4 billion in tax revenue lost because of lost work
$4.7 billion in court costs
$1.4 billion in Medicare and Medicaid costs for firearm injuries and deaths
$180 million in mental health care costs for gunshot victims
$224 million in insurance claims processing
$133 million for responding to shooting injuries
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/03/04/gunshot-wounds-medicaid-insurance-costs/1956445/

Benjamin Franklin said "Men take more pains to mask than to mend." I didn't understand that so I talked to my buddies about it.  I said “Huh?” They said “Yo.”  End of conversation.  #thedailyjeff

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator (geeky math humor) #thedailyjeff

Apparently cluelessness is a sign of stupidity. I had no idea #thedailyjeff

Every time a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of.  #thedailyjeff 

Got served this weekend in a restaurant where the waitress had so many piercings she looked like she fell head first into a tackle box. #thedailyjeff (J) 

Scientology is awesome.  It is the only religion that combines science and gynecology.  #thedailyjeff

 My wife called me an ass, so I called her one back.  She corrected me “I’m an Ass-ET….to you asshole.  Well played.  #thedailyjeff

Lesson 1: Only trust people who like big butts...They cannot lie. (J)

 Whoever snuck t
he s in “fast food” is a clever person.  #thedailyjeff

It’s interesting that Lance Armstrong first denied then admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs.  Maybe the pivotal moment of realization was when he could suddenly throw a bus across a highway... #thedailyjeff (J)

 Sometimes my attention span is shorter than ...hey gold fish crackers are delicious.  #thedailyjeff

When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"  #thedailyjeff

I'm not an optimist but hopefully one day I will be. #thedailyjeff

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." (Agatha Christie)  #thedailyjeffCaveman coming out to his parents:  "Mom and Dad, I'm a gatherer"  #thedailyjeff (j)

 Massive evacuation in Great Falls, MT over a natural gas leak turns out to be...wait for it...scratch & sniff cards used to each people what the smell of natural gas is like. So I guess they really work.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/08/scratch-and-sniff-gas-scare_n_3239498.html  #thedailyjeff 

 Welcome to hipster church.  "This is my body (bites vegan, gluten-free cookie) this is my blood (sips garage-brewed IPA)   #thedailyjeff

Birds sure seem pretty stupid until you see a pigeon shit on your Porsche.   #thedailyjeff

 "To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error." (Janet Coleman) #thedailyjeff

 My dentist told me that I needed a crown.  And I said "I KNOW.  Thanks for noticing!"  #thedailyjeff

My version of hell. Hearing "Highway to Hell" in an elevator on Muzak. #thedailyjeff

I'm suggesting we remove all warning labels and let the problem sort itself out. Natural selection is there for a reason. #thedailyjeff

 "The only test of good things is that they make us strong." I say surviving the bad things is what makes us really strong. #thedailyjeff

 If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. (E. Joseph Cossman) #thedailyjeff

 Writing "Dictionary" for Broadway. It's a play on words #thedailyjeff

 The cops asked me if I had a police record. I said yes 'Every breath you take' and 'Don't stand so close to me'.  Wrong answer. #thedailyjeff

 "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two…" (Sir Norman Wisdom) #thedailyjeff

 Come on ladies.  Men have feelings too. For example, we feel hungry. #thedailyjeff

 Was eating jerky today and there was a little silica packet with it that said "Do not eat."  Good thinking.  Too bad there wasn't a warning on the plastic packaging too.  It took me two days to get that stuff out of my teeth.  #thedailyjeff

 Results from an instant poll:  93% of Americans favor sending Congress to Syria.  That'll cripple Assad.  #thedailyjeff

 Startling (and real) fact:  90% of all the data in the world has been created over the past TWO years.  #thedailyjeff

 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.  #thedailyjeff

A guy came to my house last night, said he needed money for starving African children. I told him to get off my porch. What kind of awful person buys starving African children? Freak.  #thedailyjeff

 Dang Auto correct! Now you see why I have crust issues! #thedailyjeff

Never believe for a second that happiness - or even contentment - will find you.  You must actively seek it every day. #thedailyjeff  

Think about this.  Isn't Tetherball is just a giant cat toy for people. #thedailyjeff

Saw a special on Pearl Harbor and something struck me.  Why did those kamikaze pilots wear helmets? #thedailyjeff

   [r(cosθ+isinθ)] 1/n =r 1/n (cosθ+2kπ n +isinθ+2kπ n ) k=0,1,…,n−1.   The first step is admitting you have a problem.   #thedailyjeff


“…And that's when I realized, it wasn't the hamburger who needed help, it was me.”  - Excerpt from my unauthorized biography of Hamburger Helper.  #thedailyjeff

I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something. #thedailyjeff

Rorschach was a pretty strange guy painting all those pictures of unicorns making out with my dad. #thedailyjeff

…Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like "what is a movie?" #thedailyjeff

OK, in the wake of all these news anchors stretching the truth I want to be clear about a few things.  I was NOT sitting next to JFK when he was shot, I was not the Chief of Staff for Generalissimo Francisco Franco,  I was not one of the leaders in Teddy Roosevelt’s charge up San Juan Hill, I didn’t start Facebook, I was not the Mayor of Chicago from 2001 to 2008, I didn’t discover Braxton-Hicks Syndrome, I didn’t find Saddam Hussein sitting on a pile of weapons of mass destruction, I wasn’t in the Black Panthers nor did I start the Hell’s Angels Motorcycle club, and I didn’t introduce John Lennon to Paul McCartney.  Whew…I’m glad I got that off my chest. #thedailyjeffThey say you should get at least eight hours of beauty sleep per night.  But I say get 9 or 10 hours if you're ugly. #thedailyjeff

Relationship advice to friends... next time your significant other asks what's on TV, don't say dust.  #thedailyjeff

I was showing a friend a piece of art I created and he said I was a "highly regarded" artist.  I was flattered and then realized that he actually said "highly retarded."  Well, that has a whole different meaning. #thedailyjeff

As I was complaining about the speed we were driving I asked, "Are you in a hurry or something?"  I was informed, "I'm not in a hurry.  This is the way I ALWAYS drive!"  Well played…..#thedailyjeffThey say you should get at least eight hours of beauty sleep per night.  But I say get 9 or 10 hours if you're ugly. #thedailyjeff

I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.  #thedailyjeff

Relationship advice to friends... next time your significant other asks what's on TV, don't say dust.  #thedailyjeff

I was showing a friend a piece of art I created and he said I was a "highly regarded" artist.  I was flattered and then realized that he actually said "highly retarded."  Well, that has a whole different meaning. #thedailyjeff

As I was complaining about the speed we were driving I asked, "Are you in a hurry or something?"  I was informed, "I'm not in a hurry.  This is the way I ALWAYS drive!"  Well played…..#thedailyjeff

Five great lessons for managing your life
1. Accept that perfection is not success. Pursue real improvement and have the wisdom to know when to stop.
2. Your success is not measured by approval from others. First, this isn’t highschool and second, it implies the assumption that someone’s approval of a task is greater than yours.
3. The past does not equal success. Repeating failures is a drain on self confidence but the real failure would be to accept it and continue to approach the problem the same way – failures are learning experiences to be built off of, not leaned on like a crutch.
4. Emotions are not reality. You have to be aware enough of your emotions to separate them from your reality so they don’t hinder you and you have to separate others’ emotional reactions from the reality of the problem.
5. Finally, stop saying ‘I know.’ Saying it closes doors to new information and relationships that could create new opportunities. By saying ‘I know’ you are settling for where your life has taken you so far. No one’s destiny is predestined, unless you act like it is.

7 habits of incredibly happy people
1. Be busy, but not rushed
2. Have 5 close relationships
3. Don’t tie your happiness to external events (or other people)
4. Exercise
5. Embrace the things that make you uncomfortable and master them
6. Spend more money on experiences, not things
7. Don’t ignore your itches - explore

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday.  People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see once per year.  And then discover once a year is way to often (Johnny Carson) #thedailyjeff

The meal isn’t over until I hate myself.  (Louis C.K.) #thedailyjeff

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.  (Stephen Colbert) #thedailyjeff

"Follow your dreams, except for the one where you're naked in church."
(Rev. David Ault) #thedailyjeff

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." (Franklin P. Jones) #thedailyjeff

So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not like it’s the end of the world. #thedailyjeff
Read an interesting Harvard Business Review article about following “the disciplined pursuit of less“. These followers design their lives over what’s essential and eliminate everything else. Go for a walk without checking their phone or listening to their iPod. Set your phone to “do not disturb” at 8pm every night. Plan to have free time on the weekends.  It’s liberating to de-clutter our lives. Choose the things that matter. Eliminate the ones that don’t. Six months from now, what will be more important— missing a vacation or missing a weekend to get ahead on work? Choose wisely. #thedailyjeff

Great video makes fun of every generic commercial you've ever seen.  #thedailyjeff  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YBtspm8j8M&feature=player_embedded

It’s the new year.  Let’s see if we can get things right this time.  #thedailyjeff

Common sense is so rare these days it should be classified as a super power.  #thedailyjeff

“Dogs come when they are called.  Cats take a message and get back to you later.” (Mary Bly) #thedailyjeff

It is impossible to look at a sleeping dog or baby and fell tense.  #thedailyjeff

Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.  #thedailyjeff

My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so damn impatient!  #thedailyjeff

If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We've always wanted to go skydiving.  #thedailyjeff

There seems to be this crazy trend at Yellowstone National Park of people wanting to take selfies with bears.  The park rangers didn’t know about it until they noticed an increase in the number of severed arms found around the park holding smart phones.  #thedailyjeff

“Red meat isn’t bad for you.  Now blue-green meet – that’s bad for you.” (Tom Smothers) Jeff adds, this is why my family won’t let me eat leftovers.  Blue…green...brown…whatever, they’re all the same, right?  #thedailyjeff

I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

“Being powerful is like being a lady.  If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.”  (Margaret Thatcher) #thedailyjeff

Why isn’t a restaurant that serves soup called a “brothel?”  What?… too weird?  #thedailyjeff

"I felt a hair in my mouth but I pulled out a strand of colorful scarves. I knew then." Quote from David Copperfield's unauthorized bio I'm writing (KarenKilgariff) #thedailyjeff

“In order to be effective, truth must penetrate like an arrow -- and that is likely to hurt.” (Wei Wu Wei)   #thedailyjeff

"A journey is like a marriage.  The certain way to be wrong is to think you can control it."   (John Steinbeck)  #thedailyjeff

When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices. #thedailyjeff

Funny how the word “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts.” (Emma) #thedailyjeff

I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said. #thedailyjeff

“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” (Leo J. Burke)  #thedailyjeff

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.  #thedailyjeff

For all people who made me laugh this year: Thank you.  #thedailyjeff

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” (Groucho Marx) #thedailyjeff

Have you ever noticed that studying is a combination of the words “student” and “dying.”  (keerthi) #thedailyjeff

“President Obama just hired an Ebola tsar.  That sounds to me like the name of the shortstop on a Venezuelan baseball team.”  (Roy Blount Jr.)  #thedailyjeff

I’ve realized that you should never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. And even then, you should act surprised. (EB Flipshank) #thedailyjeff

Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser  (Novell) #thedailyjeff

Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

I thanked my wife for loving me even though I had millions of faults.  She replied “It isn’t millions.”  Well played Linda, well played.  #thedailyjeff

You never truly feel the need for the T and G keys to be further apart on your keyboard until you accidentally reply to an email by saying, "Best Retards."   #thedailyjeff

I don't have a smartphone. I have a phone that really shows potential but doesn't apply itself.     #thedailyjeff

Becoming an adult is probably the dumbest thing I have ever done.    #thedailyjeff

My stupid GPS can't find my reading glasses. Bitch.   #thedailyjeff

Some people create their own storms, then complain when it rains.  (thanks to Ravel Todd) #thedailyjeff

 I find it awkward when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.  #thedailyjeff

I turned my phone on to "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst performer ever!  #thedailyjeff

Never chase love, affection, attention or praise. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having. #thedailyjeff
 
We spend so much time trying to change the world, but we fail to realize that some things just show up all by themselves.  Age, wrinkles and baldness, for example.  #thedailyjeff

Happy Leif Erickson day! Three true facts about Columbus' supposed  discovery of America. 1) he never set foot in North America, not even once.  2) He was trying to find a route to India (should have turned left rather than right) and 3) my Norwegian ancestor Leif Ericson founded a settlement in Nova Scotia 500 years earlier.  So suck it Columbus!  #thedailyjeff

This is just to weird  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/25/coat-chest-hair-photos_n_3498814.html #thedailyjeff

You know you are finally growing up when "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again". #thedailyjeff

 The truth is very simple -- not nearly as complicated as we want it to be.  #thedailyjeff

I'm not particularly a fan of Chris Matthews or the other talking heads on TV, but he used a phrase that is brilliant.   He said we can't run the "government by tantrum."   That is exactly what we're doing. (J) #thedailyjeff

I must be getting old.  Bought an $18 bottle of wine last night hoping it would be OK and realized that there was a time, not too long ago, when a $2.00 bottle of wine was considered "really good stuff." #thedailyjeff

Not to get technical… But according to chemistry alcohol is a solution. You're welcome.   #thedailyjeff

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs

_______/\___________\o/__ #sharkweek #thedailyjeff

 Enjoy everything. You might not get to experience it twice.   #thedailyjeff

 Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them.   #thedailyjeff

You can’t spell “listen” without “silent”  #thedailyjeff

Don’t promise when you’re happy, don’t reply when you’re angry, and don’t decide when you’re sad.  #thedailyjeff

In marriage it's not just about the good times you have, it's also about the obstacles you can go through together and still say 'I love you' in the end.   #thedailyjeff

The strongest type of love isn't the one you prove by saying, but the one you are ready to sacrifice anything for.   #thedailyjeff

I don't know why all these countries are so upset about the NSA spying on their telephone calls.  One thing you can say about the USA...we good listeners (Jon Stewart)  #thedailyjeff

A procrastinator's work is never done.   #thedailyjeff

Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross.  #thedailyjeff

I don't know why I don't buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.   #thedailyjeff

When books were first invented i'll bet some people would pretentiously say, "I liked the book but the traveling storyteller was much better."   #thedailyjeff

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment, because you have to deal with everyone else that doesn't have it.    #thedailyjeff

They call today Fat Tuesday, which is really insensitive.   It is only that way because it has a thyroid condition.  #thedailyjeff

"When I graduated from college I had a 4.0.  Unfortunately that was my blood alcohol level, not my grade point average." (James Carville) #thedailyjeff

Consider how crazy this is:  the words cite, site, and sight are all pronounced the same but have different meanings.  How do we expect non-English speakers to understand English?  (J) #thedailyjeff

If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood…..just thinking ... (J)  #thedailyjeff

Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. #thedailyjeff

If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?  #thedailyjeff

Do people in prison celebrate Halloween.... If so how does that work?  #thedailyjeff

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. (Harry S. Truman) #thedailyjeff

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?  #thedailyjeff

“Do or do not.  There is no try.”  (Yoda) #thedailyjeff

“If you don’t like change, you’re going to like irrelevance even less.”  (Gen. Eric Shinseki) #thedailyjeff

Think about this:  Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... People the opposite.  #thedailyjeff

“Most Texans thing that Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.”  (Richard Lewis) #thedailyjeff

“Did you sleep well?  No, I made a couple of mistakes.” (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff
Auto correct has to be my worst enema. #thedailyjeff


When I die I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did in his sleep - not screaming like the passengers in his car   #thedailyjeff


Long day. Can't wait to get home and curl up with a good The Internet.    #thedailyjeff


I've accepted that I’ll never get back to my original weight. After all, when you think about it, 8 lbs. 3 oz. is pretty unrealistic, even using the best diet. #thedailyjeff


I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.  #thedailyjeff


Alcohol and calculus don't mix. You should never drink and derive.  #thedailyjeff


Someone asked me to explain particle physics "In my own words."  Apparently English wouldn't work.  So here goes:  Eoieur gn weoiru tuoiut.  Freuw tiun sdfb 32.  Qweuir bfuew tt rwhwoeiubtgoiubgt.  Is that clear?  #thedailyjeff


Dear math.  Solve your own damn problems.  #thedailyjeff

 
I don't dance anymore because the last time I did it they thought I was having a seizure, and called the paramedics. #thedailyjeff


Consider this irony.  Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.  #thedailyjeff

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. You should never drink and derive.  #thedailyjeff

I work at a place where there are a lot of people that show their preference for Star Trek versus Star Wars through the bumper stickers on their cars.  "Vulcans for peace" and "Vader likes it," "Starfleet Academy Grad" and things like that.  I have one word for them, "Single."  #thedailyjeff 
 
Why do baby clothes have pockets?  What could a baby possibly be carrying...a knife?  A cigar?  A cell phone?   #thedailyjeff

I’ve accepted that I’ll never get back to my original weight. After all, when you think about it, 8 lbs. 3 oz. is pretty unrealistic, even using the best diet. #thedailyjeff

I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor." #thedailyjeff

Ugh I hate college football stadiums. The men's bathroom here doesn't have any urinals! Just a bunch of women screaming. Lame.  #thedailyjeff

"Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence." (Napoleon Bonaparte)  #thedailyjeff
 
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. #thedailyjeff


If zombies ever attack go to Costco. They have years of food and supplies. Also, zombies can't get in without a membership.  #thedailyjeff

I think on my deathbed I'll tell everyone "pray for me." Then I'll give them an envelope to be opened after die with a note inside that says "Pray harder next time."  #thedailyjeff

I wonder if there is such a thing as positive version of Tourette's Syndrome.  You know, instead of yelling curse words they scream things like "Have a nice day!" or "I love that outfit!"   #thedailyjeff


Død over Columbus. Leif Ericson kom 500 år tidligere !!! (Translation:  Death to Colombus.  Lief Erickson arrived 500 years earlier!!!)  #thedailyjeff

 I hate people that comment on their own Facebook status. Me too.  #thedailyjeff

They say in life, the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group. I don't know what this means but it pisses me off.   #thedailyjeff
 
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order:  Liquor store,  gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that? #thedailyjeff


The root of the word "Vegetarian" is derived from an ancient Indian word  meaning "poor hunter"  #thedailyjeff


Went to a foot doctor yesterday.  He lied.  He was way taller than that. #thedailyjeff
 
 When I die, I want someone to keep updating my Facebook status to freak people out. #thedailyjeff

I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and they called every one of them a "cracker". #thedailyjeff

Anyone else really disturbed that the headline tonight is "Santorum in tight three-way"?#thedailyjeff

My kids have my wife's hair.  The shower drain has mine.  #thedailyjeff

They say you are what you eat. So I'm going to start eating skinny people #thedailyjeff


Why do people keep asking dogs "who’s a good boy?" My dog told me he thinks the question is patronizing. #thedailyjeff

Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home #thedailyjeff

I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would probably only consist of . . . "you know I'm going to be king someday"  #thedailyjeff

Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon  #thedailyjeff

I know they drug test the Olympic athletes all the time, but has anyone ever considered running a test on the guy that designed the closing ceremonies? #thedailyjeff

Having mirrors in gyms is a stupid idea.  The reason you are there in the first place is because you didn't look good in the last one.  #thedailyjeff

I hate it when I bite my tongue.  I've been chewing for decades...how did I manage to screw that up? #thedailyjeff

"The happiest people do not necessarily have the best things.  They simply appreciate the things they have."  (Warren Buffet) #thedailyjeff

Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good. #thedailyjeff

Consider this.  A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong. #thedailyjeff

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.  (Oscar Wilde) #thedailyjeff  XX

"Suppose you were and idiot.  And suppose you were a member of congress….But I repeat myself."  (Mark Twain)  #thedailyjeff

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.  (Emo Philips)  #thedailyjeff

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?  (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, "So far so good!"  (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.   #thedailyjeff

Be careful who you trust. Remember, the devil was once an angel.   #thedailyjeff


Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible   #thedailyjeff


Let's all pretend for a moment that we're shocked that a professional football player committed sociopathic violence.   #thedailyjeff


The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected. (Thanks to Will Rogers)  #thedailyjeff

"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."  (Henry David Thoreau)  OK, I'll give you one minute of my time for a DeWalt 12 In. Single-Bevel Compound Miter Saw.  #thedailyjeff

I've been carbo-loading for the last 30 years or so in case I ever need to go on a 5,000 mile run.  #thedailyjeff

Admittedly I've never been very good at math, but I'm pretty sure that Wal-Mart + holidays + women in mom jeans stuffed in Ugg boots = Hell. #thedailyjeff


It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean. #thedailyjeff

I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to discourage cows with body image issues.  #thedailyjeff

Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too. #thedailyjeff

Many of the things you can count, don't count. Many of the things you can't count, really count.  (Albert Einstein)   #thedailyjeff

I think animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway  #thedailyjeff


Is there an equivalent to mistletoe except for punching?   #thedailyjeff

Richard B. Sheridan said "The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed."  I don’t know what that means, but what a loser. #thedailyjeff

They say that the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ("I forgive you...weakling."  Jeff)  #thedailyjeff


You wouldn't think any of my updates were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them. #thedailyjeff

It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. (e.e. cummings)  Jeff says, it takes even more courage to wear that "Cat fancier" t-shirt, those shorts, suspenders, black socks and Crocs. #thedailyjeff

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  So let's just agree now. #thedailyjeff

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. #thedailyjeff

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. I'm just saying… #thedailyjeff

All generalizations are false, including this one.  #thedailyjeff

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?  #thedailyjeff

If corporations are now classified as people, they should also be able to carry guns and get married.  http://on.cc.com/ufuxuU  #thedailyjeff

"Is there anything Meryl Streep hasn't won? Oscars, Golden Globes... Last year she was named professional bull riding's rodeo clown of the year." -- Stephen Colbert http://on.cc.com/rtnTVM  #thedailyjeff

What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek? Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like. #thedailyjeff

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious   #thedailyjeff

Dear Algebra:  Stop asking us to find X.  She is not coming back. #thedailyjeff

Living in a country where obesity is on the rise and skinny jeans are becoming a fad, I fear for the future. #thedailyjeff

A friend told me that the best way to clean car windows is with alcohol.  After 4 drinks I wasn't sure if my windows were clean, but I no longer cared.  #thedailyjeff

Ironic.  The February  issue of Advertising Age, "The Digital Edition," is...well….printed. #thedailyjeff

How come I don't know most of the people on the "people you may know" section on Facebook?  #thedailyjeff

They just introduced a beer for dogs.  Great, now I need a new designated driver. (Stephen Colbert) #thedailyjeff

One of the ironies of parenting.  You teach your kids to be strong and independent.  But when they are strong and independent with you, it pisses you off. Be careful what you ask for my friends.  #thedailyjeff

Odd sight in Mississippi:  A guy with a camouflaged boat.  Does he seriously think that the fish will look up and not see that huge floating boat above them?  #thedailyjeff

Colors are a myth.  If they are such a big deal, explain them to me.  #thedailyjeff

Was in a restaurant and a woman said "Is there a way I could get a glass of water?" What an idiot.  I can think of lots of ways. #thedailyjeff


Was at Starbucks and the person asked "How do you like your coffee?"  I said, "Only as a friend." #thedailyjeff

Love is believing in someone's best even when they are at their worst. My wife must love me a lot because I'm at my worst most of the time. #thedailyjeff

Seems like every time a tornado lands it hits a trailer park and the media interviews some toothless, fat guy in a t-shirt and cutoffs holding a Chihuahua.  My idea:  Build decoy trailer parks just outside of town, complete with fake people, so the tornado hits it before it does any real harm.  You're welcome Oklahoma.  #thedailyjeff

Men would cuddle a lot more if women smelled like Barbecue.  You're welcome ladies.  #thedailyjeff

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, after you insult him you'll be a mile away  and have his shoes.   So only insult people who wear cool shoes.  #thedailyjeff

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it. #thedailyjeff

Imagine a world where there were no hypothetical situations. #thedailyjeff

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. #thedailyjeff


If black boxes survive air crashes – why don’t they make the whole plane out of the stuff? George Carlin #thedailyjeff

In America anyone can become president. That’s the problem. (George Carlin)  #thedailyjeff

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.  #thedailyjeff

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.   #thedailyjeff

If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.  #thedailyjeff

The hardest lesson I ever learned:  Never miss a good chance to shut up.  #thedailyjeff


Save the whales. Collect the whole set   #thedailyjeff

Sorry to break this to you, but there's no future in time travel.  #thedailyjeff

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.  #thedailyjeff

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." - Vlade Divac, Basketball player  #thedailyjeff

Mr. T must be a rock star in the Tea Party.  #thedailyjeff


'One Laptop Per Child' is a really great idea. Now we just have to figure out where to drop off the children to I pick up the laptop #thedailyjeff

"With every mistake, we must surely be learning.” ― George Harrison

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. #thedailyjeff

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. (George Burns)  #thedailyjeff

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.  (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

Raisins are just vegetarian jerky. #thedailyjeff

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. (Don't know where I found this but it can't possibly be true.) #thedailyjeff

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.  (Benjamin Franklin)  #thedailyjeff

They say none are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.  I don't know what that means, but I've lost interest in it.  #thedailyjeff

Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one. #thedailyjeff


China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch #thedailyjeff


Don't you think it’s high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean? #thedailyjeff


Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5.  #thedailyjeff

I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.  #thedailyjeff
 
Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.  #thedailyjeff

And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?  #thedailyjeff

I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them. What a perv.  #thedailyjeff


When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.  #thedailyjeff

Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli%#*  #thedailyjeff

Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs? #thedailyjeff

Writing "Dictionary" for Broadway. It's a play on words   #thedailyjeff

Let's be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy doesn't think he's the most interesting man in the world?  #thedailyjeff

Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don’t get it. Moving on.  #thedailyjeff

California leads the nation in pot production and BigFoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not...   #thedailyjeff

"You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice."  #thedailyjeff

Have you ever noticed that that nobody ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning?   #thedailyjeff


As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.  #thedailyjeff

Couldn't think of the word "Butt dial" so I told my kids I made a booty call.  I guess that has a whole different meaning. (J) #thedailyjeff 

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? #thedailyjeff

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. #thedailyjeff

Freeway billboard:  "Illiterate? Write For Help "   #thedailyjeff


Does it sound bad to say, "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize "? #thedailyjeff

My version of hell.  Hearing "Highway to Hell" in an elevator on Muzak.  (J) #thedailyjeff
Meryl Streep is so good at everything.  I hear her next gig is to play middle linebacker for the New England Patriots. #thedailyjeff

Five foods you don't have to give up (I am SO there!)  http://blogs.webmd.com/food-and-nutrition/2012/01/five-foods-you-dont-have-to-give-up-this-year.html?ecd=wnl_wmh_010612

 I have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a Level-4 biohazard suit.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms like Sandy. Winter storm Voldemort or hurricane Adolf Hitler would be taken much more seriously.   #thedailyjeff

Heat causes things to expand, so I'm not fat; I'm just hot. #thedailyjeff
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than ...hey gold fish crackers are delicious.  #thedailyjeff

Was playing Words with Friends and my opponent passed on his turn.  He said he couldn't move his vowels because he was consonated.  #thedailyjeff

A real headline highlighted in Editor & Publisher Magazine:  "Florida reporter finishes sentence." I'll let that one stand by itself.   #thedailyjeff

  
Was watching a show on the History Channel about the Knights Templar.  I'm not sure I have this right but the idea of "Self-flatulation" sounds really smelly  #thedailyjeff 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". #thedailyjeff

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. #thedailyjeff

Isn't a double standard, like, twice as good as standard?  #thedailyjeff

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.  #thedailyjeff

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.  #thedailyjeff

I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. #thedailyjeff

Not really sure what anti-oxidants are, but I'm against them.   #thedailyjeff

The most awesome name for a band would be "Free Beer."  Can you imagine how many people would show up to concerts? (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.  #thedailyjeff

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.(Stephen Wright)  " #thedailyjeff

I never eat cured ham, because I'm not sure what it had before. #thedailyjeff


Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I don't know?  Like who is Narlyman999? #thedailyjeff

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip...so let me explain the trip you'll soon be enjoying.   #thedailyjeff

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.  #thedailyjeff

The "i" before "e' rule is weird.    #thedailyjeff

I worried about karma until I realized that if I did bad things to other people they deserve it.  #thedailyjeff

Stupidest movie idea of all time:  Lincoln was a vampire killer.  This is right up (or down) there with Hot Tub Time Machine, Bio-Dome, Gigli, Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Superbablies: Baby Geniuses, Garbage Pail Kids Movie, Howard the Duck, Santa Claus Conquers the Martins….OK, so maybe it is not so unique, but still stupid. (J) #thedailyjeff

Tried to text my daughter that the EURO Cup Soccer game was on and I wanted her to "DVR it."  Somehow autocorrect changed it to "screw it."  Caught it.  Stay vigilant my friends. #thedailyjeffFive foods you don't have to give up (I am SO there!)  http://blogs.webmd.com/food-and-nutrition/2012/01/five-foods-you-dont-have-to-give-up-this-year.html?ecd=wnl_wmh_010612

I have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a Level-4 biohazard suit.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms like Sandy. Winter storm Voldemort or hurricane Adolf Hitler would be taken much more seriously.   #thedailyjeff

Heat causes things to expand, so I'm not fat; I'm just hot. #thedailyjeff

Sometimes my attention span is shorter than ...hey gold fish crackers are delicious.  #thedailyjeff

Was playing Words with Friends and my opponent passed on his turn.  He said he couldn't move his vowels because he was consonated.  #thedailyjeff

A real headline highlighted in Editor & Publisher Magazine:  "Florida reporter finishes sentence." I'll let that one stand by itself.   #thedailyjeff

Consider this irony.  Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.  #thedailyjeff

I work at a place where there are a lot of people that show their preference for Star Trek versus Star Wars through the bumper stickers on their cars.  "Vulcans for peace" and "Vader likes it," "Starfleet Academy Grad" and things like that.  I have one word for them, "Single." (J) #thedailyjeff (X)

Why do baby clothes have pockets?  What could a baby possibly be carrying...a knife?  A cigar?  A cell phone?   #thedailyjeff

I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor." #thedailyjeff

Ugh I hate college football stadiums. The men's bathroom here doesn't have any urinals! Just a bunch of women screaming. Lame.  #thedailyjeff

"Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence." (Napoleon Bonaparte)  #thedailyjeff

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. #thedailyjeff

If zombies ever attack go to Costco. They have years of food and supplies. Also, zombies can't get in without a membership.  #thedailyjeff

I think on my deathbed I'll tell everyone "pray for me." Then I'll give them an envelope to be opened after die with a note inside that says "Pray harder next time."  #thedailyjeff

I wonder if there is such a thing as positive version of Tourette's Syndrome.  You know, instead of yelling curse words they scream things like "Have a nice day!" or "I love that outfit!"   #thedailyjeff

Død over Columbus. Leif Ericson kom 500 år tidligere !!! (Translation:  Death to Colombus.  Lief Erickson arrived 500 years earlier!!!)  #thedailyjeff

I hate people that comment on their own Facebook status #thedailyjeff

They say in life, the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group. I don't know what this means but it pisses me off.   #thedailyjeff

Saw these three things on a corner, in this order:  Liquor store,  gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that? #thedailyjeff

The root of the word "Vegetarian" is derived from an ancient Indian word  meaning "poor hunter"  #thedailyjeff

Went to a foot doctor yesterday.  He lied.  He was way taller than that. #thedailyjeff

 When I die, I want someone to keep updating my Facebook status to freak people out. #thedailyjeff

I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and they called every one of them a "cracker". #thedailyjeff

Anyone else really disturbed that the headline tonight is "Santorum in tight three-way"?#thedailyjeff

My kids have my wife's hair.  The shower drain has mine.  #thedailyjeff

They say you are what you eat. So I'm going to start eating skinny people #thedailyjeff

Auto correct has to be my worst enema. #thedailyjeff

Why do people keep asking dogs "who’s a good boy?" My dog told me he thinks the question is patronizing. #thedailyjeff

Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home #thedailyjeff

I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would probably only consist of . . . "you know I'm going to be king someday"  #thedailyjeff

Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon  #thedailyjeff

I know they drug test the Olympic athletes all the time, but has anyone ever considered running a test on the guy that designed the closing ceremonies? #thedailyjeff

Having mirrors in gyms is a stupid idea.  The reason you are there in the first place is because you didn't look good in the last one.  #thedailyjeff

I hate it when I bite my tongue.  I've been chewing for decades...how did I manage to screw that up? #thedailyjeff

I don't dance anymore because the last time I did it they thought I was having a seizure, and called the paramedics. #thedailyjeff

"The happiest people do not necessarily have the best things.  They simply appreciate the things they have."  (Warren Buffet) #thedailyjeff

Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good. #thedailyjeff

A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong. #thedailyjeff

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.  (Oscar Wilde) #thedailyjeff  XX

"Suppose you were and idiot.  And suppose you were a member of congress….But I repeat myself."  (Mark Twain)  #thedailyjeff

 

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.  (Emo Philips)  #thedailyjeff

 

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?  (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

 

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, "So far so good!"  (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

 

Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.   #thedailyjeff

 

Be careful who you trust. Remember, the devil was once an angel.   #thedailyjeff

 

Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible   #thedailyjeff

 

Let's all pretend for a moment that we're shocked that a professional football player committed sociopathic violence.   #thedailyjeff

 

The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected. (Thanks to Will Rogers)  #thedailyjeff

 

"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."  (Henry David Thoreau)  OK, I'll give you one minute of my time for a DeWalt 12 In. Single-Bevel Compound Miter Saw.  #thedailyjeff

I've been carbo-loading for the last 30 years or so in case I ever need to go on a 5,000 mile run.  #thedailyjeff

Admittedly I've never been very good at math, but I'm pretty sure that Wal-Mart + holidays + women in mom jeans stuffed in Ugg boots = Hell. #thedailyjeff


It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean. #thedailyjeff

I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to discourage cows with body image issues.  #thedailyjeff

Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too. #thedailyjeff

Many of the things you can count, don't count. Many of the things you can't count, really count.  (Albert Einstein)   #thedailyjeff

I think animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway  #thedailyjeff

Is there an equivalent to mistletoe except for punching?   #thedailyjeff

Richard B. Sheridan said "The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed."  I don’t know what that means, but what a loser. #thedailyjeff

They say that the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ("I forgive you...weakling."  Jeff)  #thedailyjeff

You wouldn't think any of my updates were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them. #thedailyjeff

It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. (e.e. cummings)  Jeff says, it takes even more courage to wear that "Cat fancier" t-shirt, those shorts, suspenders, black socks and Crocs. #thedailyjeff

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  So let's just agree now. #thedailyjeff

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. #thedailyjeff

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. I'm just saying… #thedailyjeff

All generalizations are false, including this one.  #thedailyjeff

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?  #thedailyjeff

If corporations are now classified as people, they should also be able to carry guns and get married.  http://on.cc.com/ufuxuU  #thedailyjeff

"Is there anything Meryl Streep hasn't won? Oscars, Golden Globes... Last year she was named professional bull riding's rodeo clown of the year." -- Stephen Colbert http://on.cc.com/rtnTVM  #thedailyjeff

What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek? Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like. #thedailyjeff

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious   #thedailyjeff

Dear Algebra:  Stop asking us to find X.  She is not coming back. #thedailyjeff

Living in a country where obesity is on the rise and skinny jeans are becoming a fad, I fear for the future. #thedailyjeff

A friend told me that the best way to clean car windows is with alcohol.  After 4 drinks I wasn't sure if my windows were clean, but I no longer cared.  #thedailyjeff

Ironic.  The February  issue of Advertising Age, "The Digital Edition," is...well….printed. #thedailyjeff

How come I don't know most of the people on the "people you may know" section on Facebook?  #thedailyjeff

They just introduced a beer for dogs.  Great, now I need a new designated driver. (Stephen Colbert) #thedailyjeff

One of the ironies of parenting.  You teach your kids to be strong and independent.  But when they are strong and independent with you, it pisses you off. Be careful what you ask for my friends.  #thedailyjeff

Someone asked me to explain particle physics "In my own words."  Apparently English wouldn't work.  So here goes:  Eoieur gn weoiru tuoiut.  Freuw tiun sdfb 32.  Qweuir bfuew tt rwhwoeiubtgoiubgt.  Is that clear?  #thedailyjeff 2

Odd sight in Mississippi:  A guy with a camouflaged boat.  Does he seriously think that the fish will look up and not see that huge floating boat above them?  #thedailyjeff

Colors are a myth.  If they are such a big deal, explain them to me.  #thedailyjeff

Was in a restaurant and a woman said "Is there a way I could get a glass of water?" What an idiot.  I can think of lots of ways. #thedailyjeff

Was at Starbucks and the person asked "How do you like your coffee?"  I said, "Only as a friend." #thedailyjeff

Love is believing in someone's best even when they are at their worst. My wife must love me a lot because I'm at my worst most of the time. #thedailyjeff

Seems like every time a tornado lands it hits a trailer park and the media interviews some toothless, fat guy in a t-shirt and cutoffs holding a Chihuahua.  My idea:  Build decoy trailer parks just outside of town, complete with fake people, so the tornado hits it before it does any real harm.  You're welcome Oklahoma.  #thedailyjeff

Men would cuddle a lot more if women smelled like Barbecue.  You're welcome ladies.  #thedailyjeff

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, after you insult him you'll be a mile away  and have his shoes.   So only insult people who wear cool shoes.  #thedailyjeff

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it. #thedailyjeff

Imagine a world where there were no hypothetical situations. #thedailyjeff

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. #thedailyjeff


if black boxes survive air crashes – why don’t they make the whole plane out of the stuff? George Carlin #thedailyjeff

In America anyone can become president. That’s the problem. (George Carlin)  #thedailyjeff

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.  #thedailyjeff

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.   #thedailyjeff

If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.  #thedailyjeff

The hardest lesson I ever learned:  Never miss a good chance to shut up.  #thedailyjeff


Save the whales. Collect the whole set   #thedailyjeff

Sorry to break this to you, but there's no future in time travel.  #thedailyjeff

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.  #thedailyjeff

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." - Vlade Divac, Basketball player  #thedailyjeff


 Mr. T must be a rock star in the Tea Party.  #thedailyjeff

'One Laptop Per Child' is a really great idea. Now we just have to figure out where to drop off the children to I pick up the laptop #thedailyjeff

"With every mistake, we must surely be learning.” ― George Harrison

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. #thedailyjeff

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. (George Burns)  #thedailyjeff

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.  (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

Raisins are just vegetarian jerky. #thedailyjeff

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. (Don't know where I found this but it can't possibly be true.) #thedailyjeff

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.  (Benjamin Franklin)  #thedailyjeff

They say none are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.  I don't know what that means, but I've lost interest in it.  #thedailyjeff

Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one. #thedailyjeff

China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch #thedailyjeff

Don't you think it’s high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean? #thedailyjeff

Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5.  #thedailyjeff

I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.  #thedailyjeff

Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.  #thedailyjeff

And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?  #thedailyjeff

I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them. What a perv.  #thedailyjeff

When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.  #thedailyjeff

Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli%#*  #thedailyjeff

Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs? #thedailyjeff

When I die I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did in his sleep - not screaming like the passengers in his car   #thedailyjeff
 
Writing "Dictionary" for Broadway. It's a play on words   #thedailyjeff


Let's be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy doesn't think he's the most interesting man in the world?  #thedailyjeff

Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don’t get it. Moving on.  #thedailyjeff

California leads the nation in pot production and BigFoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not...   #thedailyjeff


"You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice."  #thedailyjeff

Have you ever noticed that that nobody ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning?   #thedailyjeff

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.  #thedailyjeff

Couldn't think of the word "Butt dial" so I told my kids I made a booty call.  I guess that has a whole different meaning.#thedailyjeff


If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? #thedailyjeff

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. #thedailyjeff


Freeway billboard:  "Illiterate? Write For Help "   #thedailyjeff

Does it sound bad to say, "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize "? #thedailyjeff

My version of hell.  Hearing "Highway to Hell" in an elevator on Muzak.  (J) #thedailyjeff

Meryl Streep is so good at everything.  I hear her next gig is to play middle linebacker for the New England Patriots. #thedailyjeff

Was watching a show on the History Channel about the Knights Templar.  I'm not sure I have this right but the idea of "Self-flatulation" sounds really bad  #thedailyjeff 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". #thedailyjeff

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. #thedailyjeff

Isn't a double standard, like, twice as good as standard?  #thedailyjeff

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.  #thedailyjeff

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.  #thedailyjeff

I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. (J) #thedailyjeff


Not really sure what anti-oxidants are, but I'm against them.  (J) #thedailyjeff

The most awesome name for a band would be "Free Beer."  Can you imagine how many people would show up to concerts? (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.  #thedailyjeff

Dear Math. Solve your own damn problems. (J) #thedailyjeff

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.(Stephen Wright)  " #thedailyjeff

I never eat cured ham, because I'm not sure what it had before. #thedailyjeff

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I don't know?  Like who is Narlyman999? #thedailyjeff

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option. (J) #thedailyjeff


A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip...so let me explain the trip you'll soon be enjoying.  (J) #thedailyjeff

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. (J) #thedailyjeff
 
The "i" before "e' rule is weird.    #thedailyjeff


I worried about karma until I realized that if I did bad things to other people they deserve it.  #thedailyjeff

Stupidest movie idea of all time:  Lincoln was a vampire killer.  This is right up (or down) there with Hot Tub Time Machine, Bio-Dome, Gigli, Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Superbablies: Baby Geniuses, Garbage Pail Kids Movie, Howard the Duck, Santa Claus Conquers the Martins….OK, so maybe it is not so unique, but still stupid. (J) #thedailyjeff

Tried to text my daughter that the EURO Cup Soccer game was on and I wanted her to "DVR it."  Somehow autocorrect changed it to "screw it."  Caught it.  Stay vigilant my friends. #thedailyjeffType your paragraph here.