Thedailyjeff


I’ve had a great life and I want to pay it forward.  So I’m willing to give, yes GIVE, someone 20 lbs. of fat from my body.  Please contact me directly for instructions.  #thedailyjeff

When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Weren’t we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.  #thedailyjeff 

I've been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people. #thedailyjeff

This product warning thing has gotten out of hand.  I bought a jar of peanut butter yesterday and it clearly says on the label:  “May contain nuts.”  Well…duh!  #thedailyjeff

“A cheap friend bragged, ‘Hey, what do you think I got this outfit for?’ I said, I don’t know…Halloween?” (Louie Anderson)  #thedailyjeff

Do you “converse” or ‘conversate”?  The latter drives me nuts, but unfortunately it IS a real word.  My theory is that when people are conversing, they use “conversate” in order to sound smarter or something.  My vote:  Don’t conversate.   #thedailyjeff

A funny thought…Trump’s (#POTUS) presidential library will consist of single desk with a computer and direct access to his Twitter account. #thedailyjeff


I wonder if there is such a thing as positive version of Tourette's syndrome.  You know, instead of yelling curse words they scream things like "Have a nice day!" or "I love that outfit!"   #thedailyjeffThe


FDA now won't let anything made of nuts be called "Milk," so we need a new name for this stuff.  I'm thinking "Nut Juice" just isn't going to work. (#waitwait)  #thedailyjeff

When choosing a college major, consider this irony.  There is really no future in History.  #thedailyjeff

The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that some countries still haven’t mastered the haircut.  #thedailyjeff

Best advice to dads:  #thedailyjeff

  • Wake up (to take them places)
  • Show up (when it is important)
  • Be up (positive)
  • Make up (apologize when necessary)
  • Put up (encourage their differences from you)
  • Pick up (when they need you to pick them up the most)


The United States is a place where dads get a day and sharks get a whole week. (Xuppi) #thedailyjeff

A reality of life: Everything you do, think and say reflects on your family – especially your parents.  What have you done today to make them proud of you?  #thedailyjeff

The St. Louis Dispatch pointed out recently that a TV reporter said "aloo akbar"  (Potatoes are great) instead of "Allahu akbar" (Allah is great)." The word potatoes is apparently "Aloo" in Urdu.  To say God is great it is actually pronounced like this: Alaw-hu-ak-bur.  Phonetics ARE important!  #thedailyjeff

"Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity." (Irving Kristol). My point of view…I get this.  We’re a land of opportunity, not necessarily fairness.  #thedailyjeff

I don't know what's more depressing, a sign twirler who's lazy or a sign twirler who's really into it.  #thedailyjeff

OK, I’ve lived here 28 years now, so I’m revealing 26 tips on how to piss off a Texan: tip #4: Make fun of the way we talk:  “Y’all” (singular, meaning “you”), Y’alls (plural, meaning “you and others”), “Y’all’s” (plural possessive), “You’all’l” (more than one of you will do something). “Fixin” (meaning “I’m about to do this thing”) are standard.  Sure we say some funny things, but that’s just a part of who we are. If you ever find yourself in Texas, you’d do well to incorporate some of our lingo, so you don’t look like such a foreigner.  #thedailyjeff

When we support people who blame others for their failings, especially politicians, we encourage – even accept – their failings. #thedailyjeff

My friend told me he was addicted to Twitter.  I told him, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.” #thedailyjeff
 
What 50-year-olds (and older) know that 20-year-olds often don’t (Phyl Bean) #thedailyjeff

  • Be kind. The benefits of being kind—or at the very least courteous—far outweigh the effort you put in. Kind people live longer than unkind people.
  • I know myself better than anyone else. Don’t let anyone else’s opinions control what you do, what you wear, or what you say. Other people’s opinions are suggestions—take them or leave them.
  • Everyone else is as worried and insecure as you are. Some people just hide it better. It doesn’t mean that they are any smarter or better than you.
  • Laugh it off. If you make a mistake, fall down, or do something dumb, just laugh it off. Give yourself a break.
  • “Fitting in” is highly overrated. Be you. Confidence is sexy. Besides, great leaders didn’t get where they are by following the crowd.
  • Don’t stay in a bad relationship, even if it’s “for the kids.” Oftentimes, kids really thrive outside the bounds of a toxic relationship.
  • It’s just stuff. Sure, stuff gets broken—oftentimes accidentally by people you love—and that’s annoying. But your stuff can be replaced. Stuff is never, ever as important as those you love.
  • You’re probably a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for being.
  • Don’t judge. You don’t know all the facts. As a pretty famous guy is alleged to have said, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
  • Never lose your inner child. Dance. Sing. Skip. Tell poop jokes (not to strangers, though). Go down the slide. Bounce at the bouncy house. And if people think it’s dumb, screw them. See #2 above.
  • Don’t make major life decisions to please other people. Live life for YOU. The world needs good auto mechanics and good attorneys. It’ll all work out.
  • Don’t beat yourself up about stuff. Do what you can to fix your mistakes, then move on. Guilt is only good for pushing you toward making things right again. After that, it becomes shame, and shame is a toxic substance which will eat you up inside. Same for worry.
  • Enjoy life. Literally, stop to smell and admire the flowers. Wonder. Smile at strangers and see how many you can get to smile back. Have fun.
  • Life goes by really, really fast. Live each day so that, at the end, you’re reveling in how amazing your life was, not regretting all the things you did or didn’t do.
  • Life is better after 50.


On my “color life journey” I learned something new today.  The top color on a rainbow is red.  Am I the first only person in the world that didn’t already know this? #thedailyjeff

I heard a government official referred to as a “senior harasser.”  It wasn’t about harassing old people, as I first thought.  #thedailyjeff

They say all you need is love, and Valentine's Day is the perfect time to buy lots of expensive things to prove it. #thedailyjeff

 

“I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I thought, "we've never had a democrat in the family before". (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

“A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.  Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.  Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.”  (Bill Murray)  #thedailyjeff

“Being stupid is no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.” (Dr. Sheldon Cooper) #thedailyjeff

I seriously doubt that pessimism works. #thedailyjeff
 
I hear that crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. Considering it….#thedailyjeff

“So I'm at the Wailing Wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.”  (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Lalochezia: The use of foul or abusive language to relieve stress or ease pain.  Apparently I’ve been a lalochezian for quite some time.  #thedailyjeff

What number SPF blocks annoying people? Asking for a friend.  #thedailyjeff

 

The founder of IKEA just passed away but they haven’t buried him yet. They’re still trying to figure out how to put the coffin together (#waitwait) #thedailyjeff

Perfect solution to fix our government:  Reboot.  Turn it off, then turn it back on.  This works for computers, so why not at least try it.  (#waitwait) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  floccinaucinihilipilification [flok-suh-naw-suh-nahy-hil-uh-pil-uh-fi-KEY-shuh n] The categorizing or estimating of something that is useless or trivial.  #thedailyjeff

Many know – especially the dead ones – that my cooking skills are “challenged.”  But I seem to have added a new state between raw and burnt:  Burnt on the outside but still frozen on the inside. Progress!  #thedailyjeff

Obscure regional word: wapatuli, (n. “whop.a.tool.ee”), Wisconsin: a homemade alcoholic drink with any combination of hard liquors or other beverages—Mountain Dew, white wine and vodka, anyone? #thedailyjeff

“I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World?” (Demetri Martin) #thedailyjeff

Can any of you help me finish the lyrics to the second track of my breakout C&W album? “Got the flu and pneumonia, my Wi-Fi is down, by dog got spayed and Linny ain’t around.”  I’m hoping to mix tried & true elements with some new stuff:  My self-driving truck left me when it got drunk.  My Uber driver was from Wisconsin.  Mama did Jazzercize that the CrossFit gym.  I stubbed my toe on the chaise lounge outside.  You know, relevant stuff like that.  #thedailyjeff

I have the flu and the say drink plenty of fluids. Beer is fluid. Right? #thedailyjeff

 

The cops knocked on my door and asked me where I was between 5 and 6....I told them “kindergarten.” Apparently that is the wrong answer.  (an.) #thedailyjeff

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century where ignoring and deleting history have become more important than making it?  #thedailyjeff

“Pulled hamstrings” sound delicious! #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  maledicent (mal
·e·di·cent): One who is addicted to abusive or slanderous speech.  Once again, another word appropriate for todays political arena.  #thedailyjeff

Why do medications never have any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medicine bottle that says, "May cause you to become extremely good looking & thin.”  (An.) #thedailyjeff 

Word for which there is no English equivalent:  Hygge:  This is a Danish word with no direct translation, but it seems to mean something like that feeling when there are a few of you in a room playing board games at Christmas, and it’s freezing cold outside and you can hear the drumming of bitter rain on the window, but it’s warm and cozy in the room and there’s an open fire roaring and you have mulled wine and biscuits and everyone’s having a good time. It’s a sort of combination of coziness and companionship and happiness and warmth, and it would be a lovely word to get into English.  #thedailyjeff

Every time I see someone reading The Catcher in the Rye I say, "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin’ rye." (An.) #thedailyjeff

Exercise makes you look better naked.  But so does whiskey.  Your choice.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Interesting thought.  People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. #thedailyjeff

The secret to a great marriage:  don’t treat it as a 50 - 50 relationship.  It's a 100 - 0 relationship. The best chance for long-term success is when both of you give 100% and expect 0%.  #thedailyjeff

I blame the Canadians for this arctic cold wave.  There, I said it. #thedailyjeff

Apparently I’m a pretty boring person.  It’s 2018 and still no thieves interested in my identity. #thedailyjeff

Assistant football coach for Auburn on ESPN, talking about how much he cares for his players:  “We really try to teach them…you now, educationally.”  #thedailyjeff

OK people.  We know that not everyone is in to outdoor Christmas decorations, but at what point did inflatable dinosaurs, Octopi, and Spiderman become a holiday theme?  #thedailyjeff

“I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes ‘Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.” (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

My vote for the most important word of 2017:  Assault.  You know…guns and women.  #thedailyjeff

Word nerd: “Unkept” or “unkempt”?  Your lawn or your house is unkept.  When you roll out of bed without taking a shower you are unkempt.  #thedailyjeff

"I got 22-inch rims and a 56-inch waist" ~ Lyrics from my upcoming positive body image rap album. (Wook-E-Leaks) #thedailyjeff

I wonder if famous people realize how ridiculous it now sounds when they have a publicist issue a statement that says “I’m getting counseling/entering rehab to address this thing.” Smart/strong/resilient/ethical people don’t do the bad thing in the first place.  #thedailyjeff

According to a study from Northwestern University regular people are just as happy as lottery winners.  So what do extremely happy people do?

  • They slow down to appreciate life’s little pleasures. They break routine and savor the simple pleasures of life
  • They exercise. They schedule regular exercise and follow through on it because they know it pays huge dividends for their mood.
  • They spend money on other people. Research shows that spending money on other people makes you much happier than spending it on yourself.
  • They surround themselves with the right people.  Surrounding yourself with happy people builds confidence, stimulates creativity, and it’s flat-out fun. Hanging around negative people has the opposite effect.
  • They stay positive. . Instead of complaining about how things could have been or should have been, happy people reflect on everything they’re grateful for.
  • They get enough sleep. . Happy people make sleep a priority, because it makes them feel great and they know how lousy they feel when they’re sleep deprived.
  • They have deep conversations.  They avoid gossip, small talk, and judging others. Instead they focus on meaningful interactions because they know that doing so feels good, builds an emotional connection, and is an interesting way to learn.
  • They help others. Taking the time to help people not only makes them happy, but it also makes you happy.
  • They make an effort to be happy. . Happy people constantly evaluate their moods and make decisions with their happiness in mind.
  • They do things in-person. Happy people only let technology do their talking when absolutely necessary.
  • They have a growth mindset.  People with a growth mindset believe that they can improve with effort. This makes them happier because they are better at handling difficulties.


As a painfully white person I’ve tried my whole life to get a tan…you know, freckles running together to make something magnificent.  But as I grow older the freckles are turning white. So as hard as it is to believe, I’m actually becoming whiter.  #thedailyjeff 

The #1 reason I love Fall:  Mosquitoes go to hell, where they belong. #thedailyjeff

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Frankly, more people should be at a loss for words. #thedailyjeff

Word nerd:  What’s the difference between the words “use” and “utilize?”  The real difference is "use" means what you think it means, to employ for some purpose.  "Utilize" means to use something for other than its intended purpose, or to give something a purpose that it is not normally thought to have. For example, you use a gun, but utilize it to hammer in a nail. In short, people who “use” the word “utilize” are usually both incorrect and pretentious. #thedailyjeff

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.  #thedailyjeff

It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” (Harry Truman)   #thedailyjeff
 
Words smart people never say.  #thedailyjeff

  • “I’m not gonna lie” (this means you occasionally do lie)
  • “You know what I’m saying?”  A dumb conversation filler. If you are speaking in my language, I got it.
  • Honestly, ‘honestly’ is a big mistake (are you usually dishonest?)
  • “You know?” (This is a useless space filler.  If I knew I wouldn’t be talking to you)
  • “Basically” (a bullshit fill-in substitute for “uh” or “um.” You should have explained it simply the first time)
  • “Sort of” (It is or it isn’t. Be specific.)
  • “I’m just saying” (We know…you’re saying it)
  • “Literally” (“Actually” or “precisely” or “truly” make more sense)
  • “Synergy” (Speak plainly.  How about teamwork, unity, working together?)
  • “Bubble up” as in an idea (just stupid)
  • “Epic” (Not everything is a “once in a lifetime” event, especially that EPIC pizza you just had)
  • “Amazing” (you must be profoundly sheltered if you are always amazed at regular things)
  • Never say ‘never’ – literally
  • Always avoid ‘always’ - literally
  • Even though it’s easy to say ‘even though’ – don’t (use something more precise)
  • Really, really don’t say ‘really’ (useless word)
  • ‘I feel that…’ (Trust me, nobody cares how you feel)



“I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.” (Aparna Nancherla)  #thedailyjeff

Recently the Boston Red Socks got caught stealing pitch signals and communicating using an Apple Watch.  They had to resort to this, of course, because they couldn’t figure out how to deflate a baseball.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #5: Believe that it takes 25 hours to drive from Houston to Dallas:  I am happy to inform you that the drive from Houston to Dallas is not 25 hours long… actually closer to four hours, unless you’re driving really, really slow.  But it does take 14 hours to drive across the state, unless you are driving like a local, in which case it’s more like 2 hours.  #thedailyjeff

My Facebook post yesterday: “The weather is so nice I’m going to sleep with an open window tonight!”  Later that night….1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared it. One mosquito invited others for the event and 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event. #thedailyjeff

You couldn't have written a funnier headline today: "Superintendent's early exit linked to probe of teachers." #thedailyjeff
 
Just bought 400 copies of the TV show Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them. Currently storing them in my kitchen, with the other boxes of stuff. #thedailyjeff

Used a new fitness tracker to map my run.  The problem is that I didn’t click ‘end’ afterwards, so apparently I ran 5.1 miles in 33 ½ hours. I must have blacked out for 32 ½ hours or something.  #thedailyjeff

OK, this weekend I saw a play called Rhinoceros by Eugène Ionesco.  Here’s the plot: A bunch of people turn into rhinoceroses and that is somehow supposed to be ‘code’ for Nazis.  Unfortunately I can’t unsee this. #thedailyjeff
 
How to piss off a Texan: tip #9: Argue that Alaska is bigger than Texas:  So what? Alaska may be slightly bigger in square miles, but about two people, Sara Palin, and a polar bear live there, so nobody in the rest of the world really cares. At 821 miles from east to west and 894 miles from north to south Texas is 268,580 square miles — more than 100 Delawares and bigger than France, twice as big as Germany and almost three times the size of the UK.  The Piney Woods forest in east Texas alone covers 54,400 square miles (about the same size as Greece, or Bangladesh or North Korea). How big is your puny-ass state, a couple hundred?  #thedailyjeff

I just unfriended someone on Facebook because they corrected my grammar and it feeleded good. (MNV)  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #3: Tell us we can’t drive in bad weather: True, we get ¼ inch of show every 5 years, but that stuff is wicked!  #thedailyjeff

If someone says "I'm a sub-par golfer" does that mean they're good at golf, or bad? (An.) #thedailyjeff

I wonder if any of you have experienced, or been, a challenging manager.  Great article from Forbes: Ten differences between a strong leader and a weak manager.  https://www.forbes.com/sites/lizryan/2017/09/28/ten-differences-between-a-strong-leader-and-a-weak-manager/2/#10912e6b43f7 #thedailyjeff

  • Leaders don't bash and belittle people. Weak managers do, because they don't have the confidence to have an honest and compassionate conversation about problems and solutions.
  • Leaders practice and role-model leadership behaviors. Weak managers keep quiet when people act inappropriately at work because they're afraid to speak up.
  • Leaders operate in trust. Weak managers operate in fear.
  • Leaders step into scary situations. Weak ones avoid conflict.
  • Leaders don't let other people put them down -- or put down anyone in their vicinity. Weak managers do.
  • Leaders don't yell, intimidate people or make snide comments. They encourage their employees and reinforce positive behaviors. Weak managers use the threat of force (e.g., termination) to make people bend to their will and keep them off guard.
  • Leaders are secure enough in themselves to address difficult situations forthrightly. Weak managers can't do that, so they ignore difficult situations until things fall apart.
  • Leaders build trust and teamwork around them. Weak managers build fear and competition around them to preserve their puny bureaucratic power base.
  • Leaders take care of other people and support them, honestly and compassionately. Weak managers wield their power over other people to control them.
  • Leaders take everything in stride. They might react to a situation or event with the same fearful or even panicky emotions anyone would feel, but they manage their way through difficult situations with grace and maturity. Weak managers can't stay calm. They are always ready to pounce and find fault, because when they find fault with someone else it deflects the blame that might otherwise fall on them.


How to piss off a Texan: tip # 2: Drive slowly in the left lane or strictly obey the speed limit:  Look, I-10, 20 and 30 as well as I-35 and I-45 are the Lone Star State’s autobahns, where the speed limits are just suggestions. So of you are in the left lane and driving like a tourist move over and leave that lane for those who really know how to drive. #thedailyjeff

OK, I’ve lived here 27 years now, so I’m revealing 26 tips on how to piss off a Texan:  #1:  Ask us to a barbeque and serve hot dogs and burgers.  A barbeque involves cooking large slabs of brisket, pork and sausage (not hot dogs or hamburgers). Chicken is OK too. Vegetarians shouldn’t even show up.  #thedailyjeff

After living here 27 years I've come to know how to piss off a Texan. #10: Bitch about how “it’s so hot outside”: We realize you’re used to your “seasons” and your “summer” peaking out somewhere around 88 degrees, but around here, we pack the real heat. When you get hit with 100 consecutive days of 100+ degree weather, then we’ll talk. Plus we have this thing called air conditioning. #thedailyjeff

Nerd fact: “Vigesimal numerical system” — or 20-based — Used by the Mayans to calculate everything from child gestation to the movement of celestial bodies. Super good for predicting the end of the world and the arrival of the Spaniards that killed them all. #thedailyjeff

Dumbest tweet on the Internet:  “im enrolling in coledge as i type.”  #thedailyjeff

On a TV show yesterday, the announcer said someone “drove two hours across Texas.”  Dude, in your puny-ass state that might be a long way but here it takes two hours just to drive across Dallas or Houston.  #thedailyjeff

 

Nerd trivia:  The origin of the term “Google” – for uber-nerds 1.0 X 10100: The number 1 with one hundred zeros behind it.  Misspelled (actually it is googel) by Stanford grad student Sean Anderson when he registered Google.com.    #thedailyjeff

This just in on solar eclipse news:  The local hospital in Redding California reported 3 people arriving with severe vision issues.  It seems that they put sunblock in their eyes thinking that would protect them as they stared directly at the sun.  If their vision recovers for the next eclipse it is reported than they will rub the sunblock on their sunglasses instead.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Inaniloquent (in.an.NIL.o.quent):   Speaking foolishly or saying silly things. “Sometimes politicians break from their current train of thought and switch to inaniloquent subject matter.” (note the word anil) #thedailyjeff

Trying out the whole hipster beard thing.  The jury is still out on whether it says “Cool guy” or “Creepy homeless man.” Trending toward the latter.  #thedailyjeff 

Obscure word of the day:  Bromidrosis (Brom-e-DRO- sis):  Strongly smelling perspiration.  Example:  A soccer player’s socks and shin guards after a match.  #thedailyjeff

I, for one, like Roman numerals.  #thedailyjeff

Apparently I don't know how to use my new iPhone. I somehow took 26 photos and 9 videos of the inside of my pocket. #thedailyjeff

They say “a man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.”  So apparently if you leave me alone you'll get rich.   #thedailyjeff (J)

Extreme book summary of all the "Harry Potter” books by JK Rowling.  You're a wizard. No I'm not. Wait...maybe I am. #thedailyjeff 

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are…But I laugh more. #thedailyjeff

 

An estimated 4.5 trillion cigarette butts are thrown away every year worldwide. In fact, across the entire planet, it is the most common form of litter on the ground. And even worse, the butts hold plastic filters, along with tobacco and ash.

“I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” (Bonnie McFarlane) #thedailyjeff

Have you ever been totally pissed off at your child, and realize that what is so annoying is that they are acting exactly the same way you do? #thedailyjeff

Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of extra work to me. Do you agree?  #thedailyjeff

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”  (George Carlin) #thedailyjeff

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” (Demetri Martin) #thedailyjeff

I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.  #thedailyjeff

You lost your phone and it's on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Abderian (ab.DER.e.an):  Given to incessant or idiotic laughter.  Given the current political situation, we have no choice but to be abderianists. 

“People inspire you or they drain you — pick them wisely.”  (Hans F. Hansen) #thedailyjeff

Thanks autocorrect...clearly "I am fanatical" is a better answer than "fantastic" when describing how I'm doing. #thedailyjeff

You know, if a soldier risks his or her life for me and my country, it doesn’t matter their age, sex, color, gender, religion or orientation.  They deserve to be celebrated, not segregated by labels that are meaningless on the field of battle.  #thedailyjeff

Did you ever get the irony of these words?  MENtopause and HISterectomy (Ok, hysterectomy, but still ironic).  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Mumpsimus (mêmp-sê-mês, sounds like mumpsy – mess) - An outdated and unreasonable position on an issue... A person who obstinately adheres to old ways in spite of clear evidence that they are wrong; an ignorant and bigoted opponent of reform...An obvious error that is obstinately repeated despite correction. (Wow, is this word relevant today!)  #thedailyjeff

With the rise in self-driving vehicles it won’t be too long before there is a country song where your pickup truck left you. #thedailyjeff

“Maybe you don't go to hell for the things you do. Maybe you go to hell for the things you don't do….the things you don't finish.”  (Chuck Palahniuk) #thedailyjeff

I just heard that wrestling is now a billion-dollar industry.  You know how many rednecks it takes to get a billion dollars?  A billion.  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

Dumbest social media posts ever: (#thedailyjeff)

  • “Does it take 18 months for twins to be born?  Or nine?” From Shelby Cairney
  • “Hard to believe that America is 2013 years old today.  Crazy.” From Ryan Loco
  • “Beyonce and Jay Z are at the anoguracetion?  This is such a great day.” From Chrystal J.
  • “Korea do not lie wen they say they will bomb.  Prime example = Pearl Harbor”  From Jonnie Ka$h
  • “Every damn year we learn about the hollow cost in school.  I’m tired of this shit.”  From @winningasskam
  • “I actually don’t like thinking. I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don’t. I don’t like to think.” Kanye West
  • "I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.”  Mike Tyson
  • “Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college.   Where you figure out two plus two is 10 or something.”  Dennis Rodman


Any time that I see someone wearing Crocs, I assume they lost a bet.   #thedailyjeff (More at thedailyjeff.net)

How come when Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave the hardware store". (An.) #thedailyjeff

There’s a new restaurant in town called Karma.  There’s no menu…you get what you deserve. (An.)

What color is a mirror?  (and for those who know me, what color is ANYTHING?)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Onychophagy (onee.cho.fagee) The habit of biting one's fingernails

I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure words of the day:  melanocomous, auricomous & flavicomous.  No, not the name of a Greek law firm.  It means, respectively, having black, gold or yellow hair  #thedailyjeff

“Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.” (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

Please don't post on social media that you just had a newborn baby. The newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just had a 12-year old. #thedailyjeff

Austin was just voted as having #1 worst drivers in Texas.  Yay...we’re #1! (By the way, don’t move here.) #thedailyjeff

Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.   #thedailyjeff

I’m so stoked about my friends’ status updates. Going to the gym? Awesome! Eating at a restaurant?  Pursuing your career in babysitting? Rad! Going to sleep? Tell me more!!! #thedailyjeff

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards. #thedailyjeff

You’re definitely old when you only recognize 20% of the people mentioned in People Magazine at the doctor’s office…and you only care about 5% of them.  #thedailyjeff 

Mission Impossible? He’s done four of them now. Let’s call it “Mission Pretty Hard but Totally Doable” #thedailyjeff

The most cutting thing you can say to someone is “Who’s this clown?” because it implies that (a) they’re a clown and (b) they are not one of the better-known clowns. (Skullmandible) #thedailyjeff

If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate? #thedailyjeff

I’m going to rename my Wi-Fi network to “FBI Surveillance Van #02.” That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.  #thedailyjeff

Don’t think of your errors as mistakes. Think of them as soul-crushing, embarrassing events that expose your personal weaknesses and incompetence.  #thedailyjeff

“Truth is like poetry.  And most people F*&^#ing hate poetry.”  (Quote from the movie The Big Short) #thedailyjeff

Watched a "Lifetime Movie" and feel they are aptly named….it describes how long it took to end. #thedailyjeff (J)

Me:  “Why did you honk at that person?”  Linda:  “I’m exercising my right of free speech.”  Apparently ‘speech’ includes your car horn. Well played.  #thedailyjeff

Most of being a successful father comes down to four things: showing up, being involved, doing the right things in your own life and — this should be easiest of all — loving your child with all your heart and being. (Bob Gabordi) #thedailyjeff

Shipwreck diary:  Day One:  Doing pretty well.  Mentally sound. Met a crab.  Day 65:  Married the crab.  Day 122:  Just ate my wife. (Murrman) #thedailyjeff

I’m sick of these pseudo "hipsters" in their Abercrombie & Fitch shirts.  I bet they probably couldn’t even name one Abercrombie & Fitch album.  #thedailyjeff

You think Trump is our scariest president, what about Rushmore?  He had four heads.   #thedailyjeff

The 8 secrets for grit and resilience by Navy SEAL James Waters #thedailyjeff

  • Have purpose and meaning. It’s easier to be persistent when what we’re doing is tied to something personally meaningful.
  • Make it a game. It’s the best way to stay in a competitive mindset without stressing yourself out.
  • Be confident — but realistic. See the challenges honestly but believe in your own ability to take them on.
  • Prepare, prepare, prepare. Grit comes a lot easier when you’ve done the work to make sure you’re ready.
  • Focus on improvement. Every SEAL mission ends with a debrief focusing on what went wrong so they can improve.
  • Give help and get help. Support from others helps keep you going, and giving others support does the same.
  • Celebrate small wins. You can’t wait to catch the big fish. Take joy where you can find it when good times are scarce.
  • Find a way to laugh. Rangers, SEALs, and scientists agree: a chuckle can help you cope with stress and keep you going.


Question:  What kind of sick person actually volunteers to be the sweat wiper at a basketball game? #thedailyjeff

Sen. Mark Warner recently used the word “Contemporaneous,” which I thought was mangling of “Contemporary” or “Extemporaneous.” Turns out contemporaneous is a real word, meaning “existing or occurring at the same period of time.”  Well played, Mark.  #thedailyjeff

[ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?"
[husband covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?" (Keetpotato) #thedailyjeff

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong. Sorry.  Awkward.  (Longwall26) #thedailyjeff

According to a recent study by the Innovation Center for US Dairy, as reported in USA Today, 48% of Americans don‘t know where chocolate milk comes from.  Are people really that stupid? Everybody knows it comes from chocolate cows.  #thedailyjeff

The 6 things productive people do, or don’t do, every day.  From The Ladders #thedailyjeff

  • Manage Your Mood (starting positive begets a positive day)
  • Don’t Check Email in The Morning (It will change your priorities to unimportant things)
  • Before You Try To Do It Faster, Ask Whether It Should Be Done At All (eliminate the unnecessary)
  • Focus Is Nothing More Than Eliminating Distractions (play the long game)
  • Have A Personal System (to keep track of what is important)
  • Define Your Goals The Night Before (& stick to it)


A ten-year German psychology study found that men who kissed their wives before leaving for work lived, on average, five years longer, earning 20 to 30 percent more than peers. Those that didn’t kiss their wives were killed instantly. “The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us” #thedailyjeff 

Some will be thrilled that the US is backing out of the Paris Accord.  Now our coal miners can go back to killing themselves in unsafe, cancer-causing conditions.   Yay!  #thedailyjeff

Revealed: meaning of the word covfefe.  Based on the phonetic similarities alone,  sounds like the Samoan word combos:  “Ko fefe”: pregnant but in fear of it, “Ko fale”: pregnant from one’s own relative, “Ko kefe”: a pregnancy of the nether region; or pregnant asshole. If we use the original meaning of kefe (circumcise) then this also means; to reach for ones circumcision. “Kafefe”: An expression of shock, dismay or surprise, similar to “Oh my!” and “Kou Kefe”: You assholes (Source: Huffington Post)  #thedailyjeff

12 habits of genuine people.  From The Ladders #thedailyjeff
1. Genuine people don’t try to make people like them
2. They don’t pass judgment
3. They forge their own paths
4. They are generous
5. They treat EVERYONE with respect
6. They aren’t motivated by material things
7. They are trustworthy
8. They are thick-skinned
9. They put away their phones
10. They aren’t driven by ego
11. They aren’t hypocrites
12. They don’t brag

This is a testament to the advancement of technology:  Today you can store ALL of the world's music -- every song that exists -- on a single 16 terabyte hard drive costing only $600. #thedailyjeff

Ironic quote:  You never learn anything by doing it right. #thedailyjeff

In maternity wards they have what they call Lactation Specialists.  These are just dairy farmers, right?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water. (An.) #thedailyjeff

I love telling someone to go to hell, but as a sensitive person I still worry about them getting there safely.  #thedailyjeff

I’m convinced that most Ikea employees are customers who actually didn’t know how to get out and just gave up. #thedailyjeff

Starting to think this 60-minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial. #thedailyjeff

Is Canada still up there? Somebody really should check on them. #thedailyjeff

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? “ (George Carlin) #thedailyjeff

I never fall off my bike. I just dismount with a horrible, disfiguring style. #thedailyjeff

Never forget two people in your life… The person who sacrificed everything just to help you win and the person who was with you in every pain. (your Mother & father) #thedailyjeff

When someone no longer gets frustrated and upset with you, you can almost guarantee they no longer care about you.  Silence is deadly. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Andropause: The term male menopause.  Why this isn’t called Menopause and the female equivalent called Womanopause is beyond me.  #thedailyjeff

A successful marriage is one in which you fall in love many times, always with the same person. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Lady Astor: “If I was your wife sir, I would poison your coffee.”  Winston Churchill: “If I was your husband, I would drink it.” #thedailyjeff

“Dad, what’s it like having the greatest kid in the world?”  “I don’t know dear, you’ll have to ask Grandma.” #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  colposinquanoni (KAHL-puh-SIN-kwah-NOH-nee-uh): Estimating a woman's beauty based on her chest. As in… “I’m not a chauvinist…I’m a coloposinquanist.”  #thedailyjeff

I continue to ask for your prayers. The woman two cubes over who keeps saying “awesomesauce” now has a new phrase:  “Who’s the boss, apple sauce?” Anyone have an ice pick that I can drive through my skull?  #thedailyjeff

I’ve gotten this far in life by knowing the difference between an asshole and a normal person.  #thedailyjeff

I want to thank all of you for posting pictures of the restaurants you go to. They are amazing. We don't have anything like that here in Texas.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. (An.) #thedailyjeff

When did the local weather become the most important item on the local news?  Two stations in Austin feature the weather person FIVE times in 30 minutes.  By the third time I’m completely memorized the entire US forecast for the next week. #thedailyjeff

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. Remember that you’re one of them. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy women and men using a new cleaning product, the only thing I wonder is what meds they’re on. #thedailyjeff

Heard yet another Amber alert yesterday and I started thinking, “Geeze that girl gets lost a lot!” #thedailyjeff

Admittedly a completely confusing conversation between a man and a woman.  Me: “Fashion Week is coming in mid-May in Austin.”  Her response:  “I wouldn’t know what to wear.” Guys, do you understand this?  I don’t #thedailyjeff

I sent out a text saying "I've lost my phone, can you please call it? I got 12 calls. I need smarter friends!! #thedailyjeff

Your character is the sum total of your everyday choices. You define yourself by your actions.    #thedailyjeff

Best idea ever to pay for the border wall.  Sell advertising space on it!  English on the north side, Spanish on the south.  © thedailyjeff.net

I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?", "Where did he come from?" "How did he die?", and "Why did he have deer antlers?"  #thedailyjeff

Word of the day:  Politics: from the Word "Poly" meaning "Many" and "Ticks" as in "Small Blood-Sucking Parasites” #thedailyjeff

Four things every child must know: who’s the boss, what the rules are, what the consequences are, and who is going to enforce them.  #thedailyjeff

Why is it that some people take the best qualities & values from their parents and some take the worst?  And why is it that some people learn the worst from their parents but are strong enough to avoid those parts, yet others can’t avoid them?  Just thinking here… #thedailyjeff

Unlike some of you blatant racists, I'm totally OK with lactose.  #thedailyjeff

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model.  #Thedailyjeff

There is no way to be a perfect parent and a million ways to be a good one. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

I’m convinced that we vastly overestimate how observant people are.  #thedailyjeff

“If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, to be clear… do you know how reading works?”
(Bridger Winegar) #thedailyjeff

#1 rule of marriage:
  It is better to be happy than to be right.  #thedailyjeff

When you think about it, every child has four guiding forces:  A mother, a father, their inner self, and the community in which they live.  These powerful forces work together to create something that is either distinctive, dull or destructive.  What have you done today to make someone distinctive? And more importantly, are you strong enough to ignore the negative guiding forces?  #thedailyjeff

They say with age comes wisdom. So this explains why young people are so dumb, but why are there so many dumb old people? #thedailyjeff

Haiku of the day:  Haiku hard. Nothing rhyme. Make no sense. You see? Bazinga. #thedailyjeff

I don't think it's a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Dactylion (dak-
ˈtil-ē-ˌän): The tip of the middle finger.  (“I’m not flipping you off…I’m just showing you my dactylion!”)  #thedailyjeff

Doesn’t it seem that those people who have the least amount of knowledge usually talk the most and make the greatest fuss?   #thedailyjeff

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.” (George Burns) #thedailyjeff

“The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.” (George Miller)  #thedailyjeff

“I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really
my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology. (B. J. Novak) #thedailyjeff

Its important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.” (John McDowell) #thedailyjeff

 “I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.” (Demitri Martin) #thedailyjeff

Thought of the day:  Mountains can move, but not your character (An.) #thedailyjeff

Sometimes when you intensely dislike a person, you just have to take comfort in the fact that one day they will be dead. #thedailyjeff

"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books.  #thedailyjeff

A relevant quote for today: Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Today’s inspirational quote:  Don’t be a dick. #thedailyjeff

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player  #Thedailyjeff

“Dad am I ugly?” “I told you not to call me dad in front of people.” #thedailyjeff

So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet? #thedailyjeff

If you want people to really listen to you say “I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation. #thedailyjeff

“If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.” (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

After this last election cycle, I wonder on Groundhogs Day if Punxsutawney Phil will go back in his hole for the next four years, rather than just a couple weeks. #thedailyjeff

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” Benjamin Franklin  #Thedailyjeff

The 14 signs of fascism, by philosopher Umberto Eco. (The question is, now many of these are we seeing today?) #thedailyjeff
1. The cult of tradition. “The old ways are better than the new.”
2. The rejection of modernism. “Everything we are doing is wrong. Let’s go back to the way it was.”
3. The cult of action for action’s sake. “See what I did…I can fix it later.”
4. Disagreement is treason. “Those who think differently than me are evil.”
5. Fear of difference. “Outsiders are a threat.”
6. Appeal to social frustration. “I understand the problems of the poor and disenfranchised better than anybody.”
7. The obsession with a plot. “They are out to destroy us.”
8. The enemy is both strong and weak. “They are to be feared…we will crush them.”
9. Pacifism is trafficking with the enemy. “If you are not with me you’re with them.”
10. Contempt for the weak. “He/she is weak.”
11. Everybody is educated to become a hero. “If you are with me you are great.”
12. Machismo and weaponry. “I can have any woman I want...I’ll use nukes to crush our enemies.”
13. Selective populism. “The blacks love me.”
14. Newspeak. Making use of an impoverished vocabulary, and an elementary syntax, in order to limit the instruments for complex and critical reasoning.

“Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?” George W. Bush  #Thedailyjeff

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player Joe Theisman #thedailyjeff

Are walruses just vampire manatees? #thedailyjeff

 

I’m not old…I’m vintage.  At least that’s what I tell myself because it sounds cooler.  #thedailyjeff

Someone said to me “You're one of a kind!”  Later I realized it was not a complement… they were relieved about this fact. Time to get more tolerant friends.  #thedailyjeff

Listen Apple, unless this so-called "genius" is a robot making me a margarita and nachos, don't tell me to wait at the bar.  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain. (an.) #thedailyjeff

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening.  That’s where your power is. (An.) #thedailyjeff

“The first draft of anything is shit.” Ernest Hemingway (#thedailyjeff)

If you can’t tell a story simply, then you don’t understand it – and your audience – enough.  #thedailyjeff

An irony in life:  You really never know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter. #thedailyjeff

Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home? #thedailyjeff

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.  (Demetri Martin)  #thedailyjeff

Peace on earth would be nice, but losing 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle. (an.)

Got two Christmas cards today. One from my grandma and the other from her cat. It’s amazing how their handwriting is so similar.  (Anon) #thedailyjeff

It’s sad that those inflatable holiday decorations look presentable at night but look like they have all been murdered in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day. #thedailyjeff

I was going to publish my autobiography but the manuscript is just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles and rants about stupid people.  #thedailyjeff

To the teenager who flipped me off this morning on the way to work. Your phone is on top of your car. Karma. #thedailyjeff

I am no longer allowed to wash the family’s clothes since the “You shrunk my favorite silk blouse to a size one” incident.  #thedailyjeff

OK, here is a practical question.  Does anyone really give a damn which bathroom people use?  Is this the most important thing we should be concerned about? Shouldn’t we spend our valuable time on things like ISIS, cancer, poverty, the economy, infrastructure, and education instead?  #thedailyjeff

Have you noticed that we have moved forward as individuals, but backward as a community? #thedailyjeff

Who is the person that decided to make the type font HUGE in children’s vitamins but tiny on vitamins for older people?  Little kids can read that stuff…older people need a magnifying glass, or must bring a little kid with them.  #thedailyjeff

The saying goes “Flattery brings friends, truth enemies.”  But I think that is wrong. I say truth brings true friends and anyone that can’t take it isn’t worth being a friend…or an enemy.  #thedailyjeff

"I'd like to start a religion. That's where the money is." - L. Ron Hubbard to Lloyd Eshbach, in 1949; quoted by Eshbach in "Over My Shoulder: Reflections on a Science Fiction Era", Donald M. Grant Publisher.  Two more facts about L.Ron...the idea of scientology came to him while he was under the influence of anesthetic at the dentist's office and he believed that one of the villains from the James Bond series of books was out to destroy him.  #thedailyjeff

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

A recent survey has opened a disturbing window into American culture: We have a large number of cannibals in this country. When asked what they were having for Thanksgiving dinner this year, 37% of those polled said "relatives." #thedailyjeff

Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for. All their in-laws were back in Europe. (An.) #thedailyjeff

What is even scarier than a guy opening up a can of whoop ass is that someone out there is actually canning whoop ass…I’d be more afraid of that second guy. (an.) #thedailyjeff

What's another word for Thesaurus? (Steven Wright)  #thedailyjeff

“It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks.” (Charlie Chaplin) #thedailyjeff

What has happened to reason and civility in our country?  If I don’t agree with you, or not the same color or religion as you, this does that make me a racist, xenophobic, homophobic, intolerant, small-minded, narcissistic, unpatriotic or even mean & unfair.  I’m none of those even if I might not agree with you.  But I’m perfectly happy being Omphalophobic (fear of belly buttons), Coulrophobic (clowns), Cacomorphobic (fat people), Disposophobic (getting rid of stuff), Myrmecophobic (ants),  Scoleciphobic (worms), Allodoxaphobic (opinions), Spheksophobic (wasps),  Pogonophobic (beards), Sidonglobophobic (cotton balls or plastic foam), and Phobophobic (the fear of fear).  #thedailyjeff 

This is what I learned about facts in this current election cycle.  It isn’t the truest fact that wins but rather the one that that is shouted the most loudly.  #thedailyjeff

My cooking is so bad people usually pray after they eat. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

There is nothing worse than childhood polio.  No wait…there’s politics. (An.) #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

Hey, I invented a new word.  Plagiarism! #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

Congrats to the Cubs, but what is the deal with all the spitting in baseball?  Do they have some sort on excessive or abnormal phlegm issue?  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

I remember a time when we looked up when we walked, we talked to each other when people were around and we looked up at the sky to see the clouds. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

The trouble with dancing naked is that not everything stops when the music does.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

New word.  Egotestacle:  Someone with unusually high self-esteem that is simply too dumb to be a dick. © thedailyjeff.net 

"I remember when the TV remote only had three buttons.  Now it looks like a calculator for honors math.  I wanted to watch TV, not split an atom."  (Jim Gaffagan) #thedailyjeff

Men have three basic hair styles: parted, unparted and departed. (an.) #thedailyjeff

When I get water I never put ice in it.  I just don’t like it as much when it is watered down.  #thedailyjeff

“When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.”  Socrates (469 – 399 BC) #thedailyjeff

Face facts.  How easily you're offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are. #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  philosophaster, philosophunculist 1. A person who pretends to know more about something than he actually knows as a way of impressing or manipulating others. 2. Someone who claims to be a philosopher, but who actually has only superficial knowledge of the subject. 3. A pseudo-philosopher. (I’ll just let you apply this to whomever you want.)  #thedailyjeff

Too many people confuse hard work with privilege. You earn privilege by working hard.  #thedailyjeff

What has happened to local TV news?  It is now 20 minutes of weather, with a few local car wrecks and a lost puppy story mixed in.  Aren’t there more important stories in the world than “(stupid) Man walking down the middle of the freeway gets killed”?  #thedailyjeff

“In times like these it helps to recall there have always been times like these.” (Paul Harvey)  #thedailyjeff

Four massive motivation killers:  1. Fear of failure, 2. Lack of clear goals, 3. Ignoring your health, 4. Loss of core identity (Scott Smith)  #thedailyjeff

If you fail in life you have only yourself to blame...not your parents, your background, other people or society.  And if you do experience a success, you didn’t do it alone.  You had the help of your parents, your background, other people and society.  #thedailyjeff

Did Columbus discover America?  Here's what historians and archeologists have documented. The Vikings set up a successful colony in Greenland that lasted for 518 years (982-1500). They spent a good portion of that time sending expeditions down south to try to settle what they called Vineland -- which historians now believe was the East Coast of North America - as far south as modern-day North Carolina. After spending a couple decades sneaking ashore to raid Vineland of its ample wood pulp, they settled North America in 1005 with livestock, supplies and between 100 and 300 settlers, creating the first successful European American colony.  Let's not forget that Columbus wrote about capturing young Indigenous girls to sell to his officers. He wrote they preferred girls about nine years old. He also captured people and made them slaves, taking some back to Europe (though most died on the journey to Spain). Queen Isabella turned down his gift of a slave, telling him he had no right to own a person, and therefore. could not offer something he did not own. I am glad we no longer celebrate a child sex slave trafficker and slave trader. So suck it Columbus!

Heard a piece on the news about the militant group Al-Shabaab, which I think in Arabic means “tasty skewered meat in a stick.” #thedailyjeff

Love this quote:  “A weakened sense of responsibility does not weaken the fact of responsibility.” (William J. Bennett)  #thedailyjeff

 Seek simplicity, and distrust it.  (Alfred North Whitehead) #thedailyjeff 

“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.” (George Carlin)

 

“In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.”  (Adlai E. Stevenson II)  #thedailyjeff

Marketing 101:  People don't buy 1/2-inch drill bits.  They buy 1/2 inch holes.  #thedailyjeff

“Complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whining.” (Teddy Roosevelt) #thedailyjeff

“Politics is the only business where doing nothing other than making the other guy look bad is an acceptable outcome.” (Mark Warner) #thedailyjeff

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” (Groucho Marx) #thedailyjeff

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? (Phyllis Diller) #thedailyjeff 

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it. #thedailyjeff

 

People are really never beautiful on the inside. I've taken anatomy classes. Gross stuff.  #thedailyjeff

Credit card companies are so funny.  A URL domain that I own (thedailyjeff.net) just got an offer for an American Express Card.  I wonder just how they expect thedailyjeff.net to pay the bill?  #thedailyjeff

The soon-to-be divorced Angelina & Brad called their biological daughter Shiloh. I think we should all pray that little Shiloh Pitt is not dyslexic. #thedailyjeff

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. (Jim Carrey) #thedailyjeff  

I’m sure a lot of people feel stupid for cashing in their retirement account early, especially when it is at the CoinStar machine... #thedailyjeff

Ignorance is much harder to cure than pneumonia.  I’ll just let you mull that idea for a moment.   #thedailyjeff

I wonder how many of those drug-sniffing dogs have to go to rehab. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Friendship and love aren’t a single big thing — they’re a million little things. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Saw deodorant at the store that said “Dermatologist tested.”  I’m thinking great, at least they are no longer testing on rabbits anymore.  #thedailyjeff

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Drove past the Frito Lay manufacturing plant in Wichita, KS yesterday and the air smelled like farts.  I’ll just let that idea sink in.  #thedailyjeff

Watching the TV show “Escaping Polygamy” I asked my wife what she thought of this whole plural marriage thing.  Her response: “You’re not going to get that lucky.”  Well played.  #thedailyjeff

I've gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing... (An.) #thedailyjeff



In Berlin, a Laundromat was raided because it was a front for a brothel. You know what tipped police off? Men doing laundry. (Jay Leno) #thedailyjeff

I
ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities. (Robert Zunick) #thedailyjeff

"If everything is under control, you are going too slow." (Mario Andretti) #thedailyjeff

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work? #thedailyjeff

If you're buying Smart Water for $4 a bottle...I'm sorry to tell you this but it's not working. #thedailyjeff

Everyone knows spray tans, Tang and Trump’s hair come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?   #thedailyjeff

Here's an idea for an online site that shares medical information about babies:  WikiPediatrician.  How come other people don't think of stuff like this? #thedailyjeff

Charles R. Swindoll said life is 90% how you react to it.  I say, the other half is how smart you are. #thedailyjeff

At what point would someone say, “You know…the most effective way to demand social justice is to loot a liquor store, a cupcake shop, and a beauty supply store.” It is just me that thinks this is irrational?  #thedailyjeff

Apple was going to make an iPod for kids, but iTouch Kids just wasn’t a very good marketing name. (Michael Mendoza) #thedailyjeff

What is your favorite childhood memory?  Mine is not paying bills.  #thedailyjeff

If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money. (Abigail Van Buren)  #thedailyjeff

Not to interrupt your story Facebook friends, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter & more interesting story? Maybe one about me and my needs? #thedailyjeff

 

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. But dignity isn't one of them. 

 

OK. I can see your camouflage pants, so obviously they're not working. #thedailyjeff

Here is a paradox.  Anti-depressants carry the warning "May increase thoughts of suicide."   Seems just a bit counterproductive, doesn't it?    #thedailyjeff 

I don’t care what people think of me…at least mosquitoes find me really attractive.  #thedailyjeff

“At what age do you tell a highway it is adopted?” (Zach Galifianakis)

Five simple rules for happiness:  1. Free yourself from hatred.  2. Free your mind from worries.  3.  Live simply.  4.  Give more.  5. Expect less.  #thedailyjeff

You should always give your wine room to breathe. If you notice it's not breathing, place your lips on the bottle and administer mouth to mouth. (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Blandiloquent: (Blan-dillo-quent)  Speaking in a flattering or ingratiating manner.  Also see political conventions.  #thedailyjeff

One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...#thedailyjeff

I’ve become numb to hearing news about killings, bombings, racial tensions, negative campaigning, and hate.  Don’t get me wrong, these things are horrific.  But it is out of proportion, it isn’t me and when I listen to the darkness it changes me.  99% of the world is actually good, moral, unbiased, giving, fun, happy, and loving. So I will no longer give in to darkness & negativity.  Do just one nice thing for someone today and change your world.

I heard on NPR today that 60 is the new 40.   By that same logic, 20 must be the new fetus.  #thedailyjeff

Advice:  Starting a sentence with “I don’t want to sound like a jerk…” virtually guarantees that the next sentence will make you sound EXACTLY like a jerk.  #thedailyjeff

“The temptation of the age is to look good without (actually) being good.” (Brennan Manning) #thedailyjeff

Respect is earned, not demanded. What will you do today to earn it?  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Basorexia: An overwhelming desire to kiss.  (Depending on who you kiss this could be called either “love’ or “assault.” #thedailyjeff

Personal trainer: So what's your goal? Me: In pictures I no longer want to look like a retired Sumo wrestler. #thedailyjeff

c $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol. #thedailyjeff

I find that if you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air" most telemarketers will hang up immediately. #thedailyjeff

“If you don’t stick to your values when they are being tested, they’re not values:  They’re hobbies.” (John Stewart) #thedailyjeff

We have GPS that can accurately navigate you across the country within 3 feet of where you want to be. Why can't someone invent a device that can remind you where your reading glasses are?  #thedailyjeff

They say “dance like people aren’t watching,” but the people who have actually seen me dance say “Oh please…just stop.” #thedailyjeff

Budweiser is temporarily changing its name to “America.”  But I prefer America Lite, or as I call it, “Canada.”  #thedailyjeff

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. ( Lao-Tze) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Sgiomlaireached:  The habit of dropping in at mealtimes. As in “Oh snap. did I ever sgiomlaireache you!” I think this will become popular again, don’t you?  #thedailyjeff

 

We must fear people who have beards, wear clothes different than ours, reject American ways, and speak a different language.  I’m talking of course about the Amish.  #thedailyjeff

I used to play sports a lot. Recently I realized that trophies are much cheaper than I ever imagined they were. Now I’m #1 at everything, including skeet shooting, Olympic Butterfly, Judo, 3-meter platform diving, and I’m Surgeon of the Year at Harvard Med. #thedailyjeff

“Wise men (and women) speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” (Plato)  #thedailyjeff

An ironic thought.  The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.  #thedailyjeff

“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.” (Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey) #thedailyjeff

Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.  #thedailyjeff

“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!" (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

Here is a bit of historic irony.  The actor originally slated to play the lead role in the Terminator movie series:  OJ Simpson. #thedailyjeff

The definition of irony:  The state motto for New Hampshire is "Live Free or Die" which appears on license plates made by prisoners. (Jon Stewart) #thedailyjeff

An ironic t-shirt typically has a double meaning. In addition to whatever the shirt says it usually means you’re also an ass.  (Miles K.)  #thedailyjeff

 “If you are lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.” (Jean-Paul Sartre) #thedailyjeff

“It is the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it.” (Aristotle) Jeff adds, to me that is called “maturity,” “tolerance,” and/or “experience.”  #thedailyjeff

“There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle.” (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

Don’t listen to what people say, watch what they do. (An.) #thedailyjeff

“A pessimist gets nothing but pleasant surprises.”  (Rex Stuart)  #thedailyjeff

I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in school instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season. #thedailyjeff

When I tell someone "We'll just agree to disagree" what I really mean is "You couldn't possibly be more wrong, you’re an idiot and I'm over this argument." #thedailyjeff

I love how television has redefined the word 'marathon' to the exact opposite of physical exercise.  #thedailyjeff

I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's OK. #thedailyjeff

“The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal.” (Aristotle) Not everything can be, or should be, equal.  #thedailyjeff

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” (Dave Barry)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Strikhedonia (Strike-he-donya):  The pleasure of being able to say to hell with it.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Quidnunc (Quid-nuck): One who always wants to know what is going on.  Also see “busybody.”  #thedailyjeff

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” (Dr. Seuss)  #thedailyjeff

“As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.” (Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey) #thedailyjeff

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up.” (Ogden Nash)  #thedailyjeff

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” (Bob Thaves)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Adoxography:  Skilled writing on an unimportant subject.  (I think I’m getting pretty good at this. Does that make me an adoxographer?)  #thedailyjeff

“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. (Buddha) #thedailyjeff

"If you would be loved, love and be lovable." (Benjamin Franklin) #thedailyjeff

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Let them choose their own adventure. #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Ultracrepidarian (ultra-crepa-darian):  One who speaks or offers opinions on matters beyond their knowledge. Also see Bloviate - To speak pompously  #thedailyjeff

I just realized the key to eating healthy.  Avoid any food that has a TV commercial. #thedailyjeff

Alcohol is really effective at taking the finish of furniture…and people.  #thedailyjeff

I disagree with unanimity.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  emunction:  The act of removing obstructions from or cleaning bodily passages, like blowing your nose or something worse.  As in “I’m not doing something gross…I’m emuncating.” #thedailyjeff

My definition of “skepticism:” The rigorous doubting of something I refuse to believe. #thedailyjeff

“I don’t know much about video games.  The only one I know of is that one they call “sugar crash.”  (Violinist Itzhak Perlman) #thedailyjeff

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only a few people can hold it (an.) #thedailyjeff

We learned recently that the beard from King Tut was accidently broken off by the cleaning crew, but I think he actually broke if off himself.  After 3,340 years he just couldn’t pull off that hipster look anymore. #thedailyjeff

I just transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. Enjoy  (An.) #thedailyjeff

I wouldn't want to live forever. In fact, I don't even want to stay at a party past eleven. #thedailyjeff

One of the most OCD comments I’ve ever heard.  Driving through a wind farm in Oklahoma…”Doesn’t it bother you that all the blades aren’t synchronized?  It’s so…disruptive!”  Thank you Linny.  #thedailyjeff

Remember people, your body is a temple, not a theme park. #thedailyjeff

I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by nearly 4 people worldwide...  #thedailyjeff

My next million-dollar idea.  Juice boxes that say Capri Sun on them, but actually contain 1987 Petite Sirah. You're welcome.  #thedailyjeff

"The willingness to be a champion for stupid ideas is the key to greater creativity, innovation, fulfillment, inspiration, motivation, and success." (Richie Norton) #thedailyjeff

Texted my wife that I was going to the yoga studio to “meditate” but autocorrect changed it to “medicate.”  What is disturbing is that she didn’t say anything because she knows me too well.  #thedailyjeff

One of my favorite dumb quotes:  “Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.” (Pat Robertson at the 1992 Republican National Convention) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  krukocervicsemiquaver:  The belief in the validity of word definitions from a stranger.  #thedailyjeff

I know my limits. I call one Bob and the other Steve-o. I don’t pay any attention to either of them but I still know them.   #thedailyjeff

Parents are meant to be the bumpers on the bowling alley, not the lane.  #thedailyjeff

If I live to 100 and people ask me the secret to my longevity I’m just going to say “Whiskey & pinecone smoothies” just to mess with them. #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  hadeharia. The practice of constantly using the word "Hell" in speaking. #thedailyjeff

I generally avoid confrontation, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this serving size or “fun sized” suggestion tell me how to live my life. #thedailyjeff

New discoveries will depend on how you make your children imagine the impossible, not showing them what's possible. #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Philosophunclist: One who pretends to know more than they do to impress others. If I could only remember this word I could use it to impress others. #thedailyjeff

The objective if parenting is to make your kids smart, strong, creative and self-sufficient. So let them fail and succeed, explore, build a treehouse, dig a hole, skin their knee, take apart the toaster to see how it works, draw in the sidewalk, wade in a pond to catch a frog, read, and know what life is like without schedules and constraints.  They have to experience things themselves – mostly without your help – for life’s lessons to become real.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Autohagiographer:  One who speaks or writes in a smug fashion about their own life and accomplishments. (Hmmm, I wonder who that sounds like?)  #thedailyjeff


Because of the bathroom controversy in North Carolina major organizations our pulling out of the state, which ironically is also the only kind of birth control you can get in North Carolina.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Aeolist:  A pompous windy bore who pretends to have inspiration.  Also see: “politicians”  #thedailyjeff

Imagine how confusing this sounds to a color-blind guy:  “Don’t wear the green shirt because it makes you look red, but the red shirt makes you look good.”  Is this true, or are people just messing with me because I’m an easy target?  #thedailyjeff

Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos. (Jon) #thedailyjeff

Be decisive.  Right or wrong, make a decision.  The road of life is paved with flat squirrels that couldn’t make a decision. (Thanks to Russ Fujioka) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian: Pertaining to extremely long words.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Snollygoster - A person who can't be trusted. Also see Allegator - Someone who alleges.  #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Don’t use contractions, abbr. etc.  #thedailyjeff

I think we’re going to see more things “On Ice.”  You know, Disney on Ice, Sesame Street on Ice, etc.  I can’t wait for “American Sniper on ice” and “20 years a slave on ice!”   #thedailyjeff

Saw a great bumper sticker yesterday” Buddha is my om boy.”  #thedailyjeff

Happiness is a direction, not a place. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

I hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of words roof, aluminum, forte, root, and Eisenbahnscheinbewegung. #thedailyjeff

Just remember that we live in a world where there are a lot of people who are really happy with a lot less than you have.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Cockalorum - A small, haughty man.  Also see “you know who.”

The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed. (Cyberbully)

My financial advisor recommended that I invest in alcohol and drugs.  One detox and one rehab later, I figured out that he meant stocks.  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Batrachomyomachy - Making a mountain out of a molehill. Fight over nothing. Also see “political debates.”  #thedailyjeff

If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Speling Bee.

Misprints in church bulletins:  #thedailyjeff

  • "The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
  • "The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
  • "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."


All I ever hear about is this apparent obesity epidemic we’re having, but no one seems to be concerned about the stupidity epidemic going on as well.   #thedailyjeff

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” (Mark Twain)  #thedailyjeff

My mom was having computer problems so I sent her an email to do a disk cleanup, excepted I substituted the “S” for a “C.”  My oh my, was that awkward.  #thedailyjeff

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.  #thedailyjeff

I was thinking about the times when someone says “I can’t describe it in words,” then they try to describe it in words.  I think doing an interpretive rhythmic dance routine would be much more entertaining. #thedailyjeff

Henry David Thoreau said "The language of friendship is not words, but meanings." I think he missed one thing.  True friendship consists of actions, not words.  #thedailyjeff

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance. Is there something dirty about car insurance we should know about? #thedailyjeff

“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.”  (H. L. Mencken)…Jeff’s corollary…or understanding the gullibility of the American public.  #thedailyjeff

I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally...it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store. #Thedailyjeff

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.  (Robert Orben)    #thedailyjeff

I don’t want to sound like a germophobe but it is creepy to think that every fork you use at your favorite restaurant has been in 100s of strangers' mouths.  #thedailyjeff

Heard a guy at lunch complaining about having to pay taxes.  I reminded him that he drove on a road that had police protection, and if he was in an accident the ambulance would take him to a hospital, and his kids could be excused from school to visit him, and when he returned home the firefighters would be there to extinguish the fire caused by his failure to turn off the toaster. And when he flew to see his mom, who was on Social Security and Medicaid, the plane was kept from crashing by experts on the ground and in the air, flying in an airspace that was protected by the mightiest military in the world.   So sure…don’t pay taxes.  Who needs that stuff anyway?  #thedailyjeff 

Obscure word of the day:  Vomitory - the entrance or exit passages in a theater or amphitheater.  #thedailyjeff

Be careful when you follow the masses.  Sometimes the “M” is silent. (an.) #thedailyjeff

“Cats have a lot in common with ISIS.  They are both ruthless killers, they post crazy YouTube videos, and they poop in the sand.”  (Stephen Colbert)  #thedailyjeff

Deep thought of the day:  Freedom of choice doesn’t also come with freedom from consequences.  #thedailyjeff  

Everybody always asked the wrong question "Where's Waldo?" The real question is why is Waldo hiding? Was it for Child Support? Kidnapping? Murder? (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Pettifogger - A person who tries to befuddle others with his or her speech.  See “most Presidential candidates, especially ‘he who shall not be named.”’

Is there another word for synonym? (can’t find the source of this one) #thedailyjeff

Wrong is wrong even if everybody does it…and right is right even if nobody does it. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day, and be careful using this one:  Quean - A disreputable woman.  Don’t say “You’re my Quean!”  Say “You’re my Queen!”    #thedailyjeff  

I wonder if there was ever an intelligent sentence that started with the word 'dude'? #thedailyjeff

February 11, 1964 Washington Post:  The Beatles are "imported hillbillies who looked like sheepdogs and sounded like alley cats in agony."  Newsweek that same week  "Visually, they are a nightmare: tight, dandified Edwardian beatnik suits and great pudding bowls of hair. Musically, they are near disaster: guitars and drums slamming out a merciless beat that does away with secondary rhythms, harmony and melody." #thedailyjeff

Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy." (an.) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Callipygian - Having an attractive rear end or nice buns. #thedailyjeff

The reason good men and women are hard to find is because they're usually too busy working at a real job. (an.) #thedailyjeff

My grandmother is over 80 and she doesn't need glasses.....she drinks straight from the bottle. (anon) #thedailyjeff

This s a real quote:  "The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive." (Twitter)

Ate too much salad yesterday so I'm going on an ice cream cleanse for the entire weekend. #thedailyjeff

"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone as president.  #thedailyjeff

Only strong doses of common sense and reality stand between our presidential candidates and glory.  #thedailyjeff

I’m going to create a new company called “YOUber.” You call yourself and arrange for a ride in your own car, then pay me a small fee to oversee the transaction.  Brilliant!  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Logorrhea - Pathologically excessive, repetitious and often incoherent talkativeness or wordiness that is characteristic especially of the manic phase of bipolar disorder. Related to diarrhea I guess. #thedailyjeff

You know those TV commercials where kids are living on 15 cents a day?  Here is my new retirement plan:  Get $1,000 in cash, get a plane ticket and move there.  #thedailyjeff

My solution to the growing population of death row inmates.  Send them into space.  They're already used to spending long periods of time in confined spaces, no guards needed, and there is essentially no escape.  And if they run out of food or oxygen, who cares? #thedailyjeff 

If you're gonna label the silica gel in the box "do not eat," maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me.    #thedailyjeff

Years ago I had those adorable idiosyncrasies that everyone used to love.  Now they’ve become what my family refers to as "symptoms." #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Smellfungus (Like Smell Fungus) - A perpetual pessimist, critic or fault-finder.  My oh my, this describes so many politicians…#thedailyjeff

I have a love/hate relationship with strong/contradictory emotions. (anon) #thedailyjeff

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear." (Cyberbully)  #thedailyjeff

“Scotch whiskey…I always take it at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.” (Mark Twain)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day: Slangwhanger - A loud abusive speaker or obnoxious writer. (Damn, we have a lot of slangwhangers out there!  More like SlangWANKERS) #thedailyjeff

They say “Wise people think all they say... fools say all they think.” I don’t understand what that means but just wanted to tell everyone about it. #thedailyjeff

Campaign spending in Iowa can't be a good measure because if that were true Flo the Progressive lady would have won. (Stephen Colbert) 
#thedailyjeff

Give me ambiguity or give me something else. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Think about this…what if you spent your whole life trying to compete with people that, in the end, didn’t matter? #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Crapulence: Discomfort from eating or drinking too much.  Ever wonder where the word “Crap” comes from? This is it.  #thedailyjeff

My dog just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Arf.  Arf arf arf.  Arf." I don’t know.  I don’t know…it sounds a little pretentious don’t you think?  #Thedailyjeff

The price of oil is so low, in a desperate move companies are getting creative.  I heard that Exxon is coming out with a single-source, local, non-GMO, gluten-free, free range artismal gasoline.  (NPR)  #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Steatopygous:  The state of having a large amount of fat around one’s bottom. See also “callipygous”, being possessed of a beautiful bottom.  #thedailyjeff

I do my best profreading right after I hit send. #thedailyjeff

Scientific study just out.  Apparently Ice Cream makes your clothes shrink.  Who knew?  #thedailyjeff

The definition of irony: Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

Excellent advice…There is no victory in couples’ arguments.  If one wins the other loses.  Then you both lose. (From Selected Shorts on NPR)  #thedailyjeff

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jell-O, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.  #thedailyjeff

I’ve had a great life and I want to pay it forward.  So I’m willing to give, yes GIVE, someone 20 lbs. Please contact me directly for instructions.  #thedailyjeff

“Let us be dissatisfied until that day when nobody will shout, ‘White Power!’ ‘Black Power!’ But everybody will talk about God’s power and human power." Martin Luther King at the 11th Convention of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference on Aug. 16, 1967, in Atlanta  #thedailyjeff


Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of sick world are we living in where people are having sex with a mosquito? #thedailyjeff

I just love the crazy things politicians say:  “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” President George W. Bush, August 5th, 2004 #thedailyjeff

I just love the crazy stuff politicians say, especially when I purposely take the quote out of context for comedic effect:  “Life is indeed precious, and I believe the death penalty helps affirm this fact.” Former New York City mayor Edward Koch, in an essay published in The New Republic on April 15th, 1985

Powerball officials were thrilled yesterday when the most recent winner from Tennessee elected an annuity option where they would receive $1 a year for 580 million years.  #thedailyjeff

Does it sound creepy to say “I can’t believe I’m in your house… and this time you’re awake.” #thedailyjeff

I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once. (Anon)  #thedailyjeff

Vegetarians always say, “Animals have feelings too.” But what if all their feelings are evil? Research shows that cats would kill you if they were bigger and pigs will eat bacon. Stay strong carnivores! #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Prolix: Of a person “given to speaking or writing at great or tedious length.” Or of a piece of writing or speech of great, boring, and probably unnecessary length.  Sounds like our current Presidential primary dialogue.  #thedailyjeff
 
I’ve written a new book called “How to avoid money scams.”  It’s available on my personal website for $2,254.21. Buy it now. Cash only.   #thedailyjeff

 I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don't see what all the hype is about these paint brochures. It was actually pretty boring.  (Anon) #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Eisenbahnscheinbewegung: “The false sensation of movement when, looking out from a stationary train, you see another train depart”

Three rules of the Viking Club:  (1) Always be devastatingly handsome, (2) find the most beautiful woman and marry her, and (3) let others be jealous that they aren't in the Viking Club. #thedailyjeff (J)

I used to be in a band called "Missing Cat". You've probably seen our poster. (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeff

 “One who gives opinions on something beyond his or her knowledge.” See also: “politicians” and “everybody on the internet.”  #thedailyjeff

It's weird how no one on The Jetsons ever addresses the apocalyptic events that left only white Americans and dogs behind, living in the sky. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you. (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeff

 

Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

Let's celebrate Columbus Day by walking into someone's house and telling them we live there now. #thedailyjeff

“Santa Claus has the right idea.  Only visit people once a year.”  (Victor Borge) #thedailyjeff

“Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure.“ (Amos Bronson Alcott)  #thedailyjeff

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. #thedailyjeff

Heard my own voice on a recording and wonder how I even have friends.  #thedailyjeff

So there's a film where a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son his left physically disabled. In a twist of events the son is kidnapped and kept in a tank while his father chases the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally challenged woman. Finding Nemo is quite the thriller. #thedailyjeff

Everyone wants happiness, but no one wants pain.  But you can't be a rainbow without a little rain. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Happiness is not the absence of problems. It's the presence of happiness. (Unknown)   #thedailyjeff

In life there really are only two questions you have to ask yourself:  1) what did you accomplish (the mark you made in the world) and 2) what did you do to get there (your ethics).  You have to be comfortable with the answers to both.  #thedailyjeff

Saddening that 'Happy I'm A Prostitute' Campaign was dropped By Brazil Government http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/06/05/happy-prostitute-campaign-dropped-by-government-_n_3388238.html 

Hey, I said I'd be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.   #thedailyjeff

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.  #thedailyjeff

Just learned that hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first.  #thedailyjeff

Shouldn't diet pills be called "Girth Control Pills?" (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

I wonder if angry people know about naps and wine?  #thedailyjeff

The next time you feel you’re worthless just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.  #thedailyjeff

I always wonder what kind of food people are talking about when they say “I need some brain food.” Then I start realizing that we may be closer to having a zombie apocalypse than I thought. #thedailyjeff

I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice. #thedailyjeff

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store. #thedailyjeff

Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be. #thedailyjeff

I try to live everyday as if it were my last. Who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive? (An.) #thedailyjeff

Nothing strikes more fear into a man as when a woman smiles really big and asks, "Notice anything different?"   #thedailyjeff

Dear Karma:  I have a list of people you missed.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

Kids…Don't grow up.  It's a trap.   #thedailyjeff

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either.   #thedailyjeff

I'd like to party like its 1999, then I realize that was 19 years ago and I can't stay up past 11 o'clock now. So screw you Prince.   #thedailyjeff

I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.     #thedailyjeff

Instructions to people in the Swiss Army:  Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. #thedailyjeff

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.  (Henry Ford)   #thedailyjeff

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. (Henry Ford)  #thedailyjeff

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, say as much as you can.” - the internet   #thedailyjeff

“Remember, Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks.” (Ricky Gervais) #thedailyjeff

Extreme Jesus died on the motocross at the X Games  #thedailyjeff

Yes, this is a true headline:  " Romanian man sues priests for failing to exorcise flatulent demons" http://theorthodoxchurch.info/blog/news/2013/04/romanian-man-sues-priests-for-failing-to-exorcise-flatulent-demons/  #thedailyjeff

I have found the key to happiness.  Stay the hell away from assholes. (Glen Harder) #thedailyjeff

Really tired after participating in the 5-centimeter charity run for ADHD. #thedailyjeff (J)

Just won a Nobel Prize for untangling a pair of earbuds.  #thedailyjeff

Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments section below.  #thedailyjeff

Just stirred my coffee with a fork.  So if any of you guys are looking for a new gangsta bad boy to join your crew, just let me know. #thedailyjeff

I asked my wife what women really want and she said “attentive lovers.” Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really sure, but was too worried to ask. #thedailyjeff

Just slammed 12 wheatgrass shots now everyone at Whole Foods is trying to take my keys.  #thedailyjeff

Was talking about the brothels in Las Vegas with a friend and had to explain to him that they sell things other than broth.  #thedailyjeff

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. #thedailyjeff (J)

I'm not saying I am Batman, I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room. (An.) #thedailyjeff

"Got a paper cut writing a suicide note….it’s a start."  (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

I heard someone one say "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all." I don't know what that means but that guy is an idiot.  #thedailyjeff

I remember when broadband meant a bunch of old ladies playing trumpets and tubas.  #thedailyjeff

Perhaps the dumbest funded research on the planet:  "Walking with Coffee:  Why does it spill?  By H. C. Mayer and R. Krechetnikov, Department of Mechanical Engineering, University of California, Santa Barbara.  They studied problem represents an example of the interplay between the complex motion of a cup, due to the biomechanics of a walking individual, and the low-viscosity-liquid dynamics in it.   http://pre.aps.org/pdf/PRE/v85/i4/e046117 

Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls)   #thedailyjeff  

Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've "Gone Commando" a few times in your life. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

I'm fine with the Heritage for the Blind asking for donations, but I really have to question why they would ask people to donate cars to them.  #thedailyjeff

I'm not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I'm simply suggesting we remove all warning labels and let the problem sort itself out through natural selection. #thedailyjeff 

What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?  #thedailyjeff  

Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about what's been going on in your life.  #thedailyjeff
 
Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. For example, a Russian girl doesn't need to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

The first rule of dad club:  “Shut the goddamn door on your way in, we're not trying to heat the whole outdoors here.” (@BuckyIsotope)  #thedailyjeff

The book I'm reading says "4-6 years" on the cover, but there's only like 6 words on each page. I'll be finished by the end of the week.   #thedailyjeff

Sneezed. Nobody blessed me. Going to hell.   #thedailyjeff

"Dear NASA: Your momma thought I was big enough to be a real planet." Pluto  #thedailyjeff

Have you noticed that gas stations are becoming more like mini-malls?  Where else could you get gas, a Slim Jim, bullets, potpourri, and a t-shirt with a beaver on it in one convenient place?  #thedailyjeff

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. (An.) #thedailyjeff

You don’t have to explain something you never said. #thedailyjeff

 

You don’t have to remember a lie you never told.  #thedailyjeff

You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant. #thedailyjeff

When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me. #thedailyjeff

Publilius Syrus said "Every day should be passed as if it were to be our last." With a name like Pubilius, he probably got beat up in middle school so many times that he expected EVERY day was his last.  #thedailyjeff 

My advice to graduates:  To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. #thedailyjeff

Relationship advice.  When someone says "We need to talk" it apparently mean is "You need to listen."   #thedailyjeff

I bet cats think people wish they were cats.  Dogs, however, wish they were people.  (An.) (An.) #thedailyjeff

I don't let my dog outside. I'm worried she might talk to other dogs & find out that their owners don't force them to wear little party hats and gaucho pants.   #thedailyjeff

Here's an idea:  Restructure the tax code so that the percent you pay is related to your waist size.  It will cure obesity because more people will be skinny, and simplify the tax code….You're welcome.  #thedailyjeff(J)

I was talking to someone the other day and he said he liked talking in parables but I thought he said "pair of balls" which was totally awkward.    #thedailyjeff (J)

According to CNN, an arena roof collapsed trapping 100 people attending a carrier pigeon fair in southern Poland. What I'm trying to determine is how there are 100 people interested in carrier pigeons. #thedailyjeff

Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.  #thedailyjeff

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of little old ladies running around with tramp stamp tattoos? Ewwwww!) #thedailyjeff 

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. Looking into my family, I'm trying to figure out which one. Wondering if it's my Mom or my Dad or my sister Diane. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Diane. #thedailyjeff 

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. #thedailyjeff

I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.  #thedailyjeff 

Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them all to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping.  #thedailyjeff

Hitting the gym to relieve stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the person who caused it in the first place. (An.)  #thedailyjeff
 
Twenty Keys to a Happy Life

  • Compliment three people every day
  • Watch a sunrise
  • Be the first to say “Hello.”
  • Live beneath your means
  • Treat everyone, as you want to be treated
  • Never give up on anybody; miracles happen
  • Forget the Jones’s
  • Remember someone’s name
  • Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage
  • Be tough-minded, but tenderhearted
  • Be kinder than you have to be
  • Don’t forget that a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated
  • Keep your promises
  • Learn to show cheerfulness even when you don’t feel it
  • Remember that overnight success usually takes 25 years
  • Leave everything better than you found it
  • Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do
  • When you arrive at your job in the morning let the first thing you say brighten everyone’s day
  • Don’t rain on other people’s parades
  • Don’t waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them


Tough times don’t last. Tough people do. (An.) #thedailyjeff (J)

You are only as kind and good as you treat the worst person we encounter on their worst day.  You can't elevate yourself until you raise your lowest point. #thedailyjeff

Selfishness diminishes you. Unselfishness elevates you.   Get on the elevator.  (J) #thedailyjeff

Remember when I got a ticket from the police for running a red light on a bicycle? Turns out my payment check was a dime short, yes 10 cents or $0.10 or 0.7581 Euros, or 93.2 Yen or 2087.45 Vietnamese Dongs (sorry, that last one just sounds funny). So I must DRIVE BY the department of motor vehicles to deliver a dime before March 17, or there will be a warrant for my arrest.  You don't want to be near me…I'm a hardened criminal.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make this fun? #thedailyjeff (J)

You have to be able to do what others won't in order to achieve what others don't. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. #thedailyjeff

I wish my dog would do the laundry while I'm gone all day. She needs to get a job for gosh sakes!  #thedailyjeff

As people get thinner we say that they have 'lost' weight.  Does that mean that as people get heavier they have 'found' it?  (i.e. "I'm not getting heavier...I just found some weight.") #thedailyjeff (J)

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas." (Anon) #thedailyjeff

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I look up his nose? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?   #thedailyjeff

They say “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” (Not sure where I found this, but just wanted to tell everyone about it)  #thedailyjeff

FREE HOROSCOPE: You look terrible today. Avoid stuff and people. Don't buy a Kindle. Also, brush your teeth more often.  #thedailyjeff

“It is astounding to realize that perhaps half of all human knowledge has been discovered or created in the past century. But then again, so has that half that’s bullshit.” (D. H. Futterman, 1988) #thedailyjeff

I used to have washboard abs, but now they’re more like washtub abs.  #thedailyjeff

Ever notice how it's never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes? (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Is Kansas flatter than a pancake?  According to a recent study by Texas State University a pancake has a “flatness rating” if 0.957, where 1.00 is perfectly flat.  Kansas has a rating of 0.9997.  #thedailyjeff

Prejudiced people are all alike.  #thedailyjeff

I have my doubts about disbelief. (An.) #thedailyjeff

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

Here is a super simple idea that would save a lot of problems:  If the police say stop, just stop. #thedailyjeff

“Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.” (Harry S. Truman) #thedailyjeff

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. (Mitch Hedberg)   #thedailyjeff

Be alert - the world needs more lerts.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. (Will Rogers) #thedailyjeff

It’s hard to trust humans. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.  #thedailyjeff

I think Ben Carson really need to see his doctor to talk about adjusting his prescription for Ambien. #thedailyjeff

Push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex's house down. I believe in you! (Anon)

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way.  I wish life worked like that. #thedailyjeff

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example."  (Mark Twain - 1835-1910) #thedailyjeff

Every person has an opportunity to bring you joy. Some when you see them, some when they leave. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.  Just thinking….#thedailyjeff

According to the IRS, the “tax gap” — the amount of tax due but uncollected — stands at nearly $400 billion each year. As of 2015, the Federal deficit $439 billion.  Here is a novel idea…collect the damn taxes!  #thedailyjeff

If your foot falls asleep during the day, does that mean it will be up all night?  Isn't that what Restless Leg Syndrome is all about?  #thedailyjeff (J)

“My new book about doing your own hair color is a total flop. I haven't sold one copy of A Guide to Dying Alone.” (DanMentos) #thedailyjeff

The problem with growing old.  Hair grows where it shouldn’t and hair doesn’t grow where it should.  #thedailyjeff

I would like to thank everybody who prayed for me during those five long minutes my house didn't have internet. It was tough, but I made it.  #thedailyjeff

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect.” (Mark Twain) #thedailyjeff

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”  (Steven Wright)  #thedailyjeff

In order to have great happiness you have to have great pain and unhappiness - otherwise how would you know when you're happy? (Leslie Caron) #thedailyjeff

Just heard a radio commercial for a kid's camp that offers air-conditioned cabins and options for special dietary needs.  Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the camper experience?  You're actually SUPPOSED to get hot, get bitten by bugs, sleep poorly, eat gross food, play with knives and get poison ivy.  That's what camp is all about. #thedailyjeff  (J)

Thinking of seeing the movie Noah this weekend, which we all know is the tragic sequel to the movie "We Bought a Zoo" with Matt Damian
#thedailyjeff 

The recent landslide in Washington is certainly tragic, but consider this...the name of the hill above the area - the one that killed all those people - was called….wait for it….wait for it…."Landslide hill."  Coincidence?  I sure as hell wouldn't live there. #thedailyjeff  

If your glass is always half empty, buy smaller glasses. (An.) #thedailyjeff

My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance of idiots that really needs work.  #thedailyjeff

How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?  (An.) #thedailyjeff

“Not everything that can be counted counts, and everything that counts can't be counted.” (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round & around. (anon) #thedailyjeff

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important." (Bertrand Russell - 1872-1970) #thedailyjeff

 Here are ten choices that ultimately lead to this phrase of regret, and how to elude them:
1. Wearing a mask to impress others. You don’t have to be perfect to impress and inspire people.  Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.
2. Letting someone else create your dreams for you. – The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find. 
3. Keeping negative company. – Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you.  Don’t let them get to you
4. Being selfish and egotistical. – A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone. 
5. Avoiding change and growth. –You must let go of the old to make way for the new
6. Giving up when the going gets tough. – There are no failures, just results. 
7. Trying to micromanage every little thing. – Life should be touched, not strangled. 
8. Settling for less than you deserve. – Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.  Don’t settle.
9. Endlessly waiting until tomorrow. –One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to work on the things you’ve always wanted to do.  You will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you haven’t.  
10. Being lazy and wishy-washy. – The world doesn’t owe you anything, you owe the world something.  So stop daydreaming and start DOING

Rubix cubes are EASY....when you're color blind. #thedailyjeff

Advice to men:  If a woman ever says "Are you wearing that?" it should never be worn.  It's best to throw it away now. Trust me on this one.  #thedailyjeff (J)

Hoping to meet the Pope on his trip to the US but honestly, I find he has a real “holier than thou attitude.” #thedailyjeff

If you sleep with your socks on, please unfollow. I do not support you or your lifestyle. (Sageboggs) #thedailyjeff

Good advice:  If it is everybody's job then it's nobody's job.  Ultimately someone has to be accountable. #thedailyjeff

The other day someone said I was photogenic. I was flattered until I realized they were actually saying I look uglier in person than I do in pictures. #thedailyjeff

The recent Presidential debates were just like death…only slower and louder.  #thedailyjeff

I take my food with a double shot of gluten, just to be sure.  #thedailyjeff

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did’." (Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts) #thedailyjeff

Ran out of Manila envelopes. Off to the Philippines.
#thedailyjeff 

Just saw a redhead drinking Ginger Ale and eating Cheetos. It looks to be making him stronger. We must stop him before it's too late. #thedailyjeff

“Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.” (Mitch Hedberg)  #thedailyjeff
 
Did USA Today think, even for a second, that this headline might be interpreted a different way?  “Gay marriage debate's sore winners.”  http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2015/04/07/indiana-gay-protection-memories-pizza-eich-column/25373045/ #thedailyjeff

 

"Y'know, she was actually pretty convincing." - Me walking out of a movie where Meryl Streep plays a Chinese UFC fighter (Seth McFarlane) #thedailyjeff

I wonder if skunks can smell their own farts.  #thedailyjeff

[Insert clever remark here]  #thedailyjeff

Phrases you don't want connected to your name:  morbidly obese, convicted pedophile, and politician. Any others?   How about Tea Party Spokesman, creationist, bail, house arrest, "the torso of," disemboweled corpse, partial remains, solicitation, deadbeat, erectile, malpractice, defendant, flatulent, kleptomaniac, disgraced, rectal, decomposed, decapitated, terminal, malignant, president of the Justin Bieber Fab Club, parolee, convicted, unemployed, indigent, corpse, mauled, incontinent, Darwin Award Winner, once-great, departed, or republican   #thedailyjeff (J)

There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

I’m convinced that the European probe Philae lander is only scouting a new location for Wal-Mart on comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko #thedailyjeff

Does this headline from yesterday bother anyone else”  “Bush fatigue in Iowa.”  #thedailyjeff

I won’t be impressed by 3-D printers until I can print a cold stout porter beer in a frozen mug. #thedailyjeff

80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts. #thedailyjeff

Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass. #thedailyjeff

Don't follow your passion.  Bring it with you. (Mike Rowe) #thedailyjeff

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.   #thedailyjeff

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? #thedailyjeff
                                                     
If you tell the truth, it becomes a part of your past.  If you lie, it becomes a part of your future. (Anon.) #thedailyjeff

My secret lover, John Deere, and I are extremely grateful that Rep. Steve King (R - IA) has allowed man/mower unions to step out from the shadows. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/domenick-scudera/i-am-betrothed-to-my-john_b_7932432.html

[DOG MAGICIAN] Think of a color, any color...let me guess…is it...gray? [OTHER DOG] oh my God…how did you guess that? #thedailyjeff

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.  #thedailyjeff

"We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we have only one."
(Confucius 551-479 B.C.) #thedailyjeff

Was thinking about the term “meteoric rise,” as in the politician has made a “meteoric rise in the polls.”  But don’t meteors actually fall & burn in flames? #thedailyjeff

"You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there." - Yogi Berra (1925-2015) #thedailyjeff

WORDS WITH NO ENGLISH EQUIVLENT:
Layogenic (Tagalog) This means that someone looks OK from afar, but up close they look more like an abstract painting.
Rhwe (Tsonga, South Africa)  This is actually a word for “to sleep on the floor without a mat, while drunk and naked.”

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.” (Ellen DeGeneres) #thedailyjeff

The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate. (Amigo) #thedailyjeff

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.” (Frank Sinatra) #thedailyjeff

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." (Soren Kierkegaard) #thedailyjeff

"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits." (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

Working on my 32-point plan to be more spontaneous.  Any suggestions?  #thedailyjeff

“Sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind but falling in love and not getting arrested.” (Hunter S. Thompson) #thedailyjeff

When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.  #thedailyjeff 

It's much easier - and more important - to turn a friendship into love, rather than love into friendship.   #thedailyjeff

Life is like a roller coaster. Without its downs, there wouldn't be any ups & nobody likes a roller coaster that only stays on one level. (an.)  #thedailyjeff

Was in the checkout line in Wal-Mart behind a guy buying underwear, dog treats and whiskey.  I don't even want to know how they are going to be used.  #thedailyjeff

If you're wondering about my cooking skills, I've been asked to bring only paper towels and cups to our family gathering. Especially after the "Barbequed chicken incident" and the many "this meat is still raw" incidences.   #thedailyjeff

I lost my mood ring today, not sure how I feel about it. (Stephen Wright) #thedailyjeff

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.   #thedailyjeff

I fondly remember fishing with my Dad. We caught a sting ray and some flounder. He was a great dad, but even better bait.   (What?  Too soon?)  #thedailyjeff

I wonder if Bill Cosby is rethinking his quote:   “A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.” (Bill Cosby) #thedailyjeff

It should not be easier to get an assault rifle than it is to get mental healthcare.  #thedailyjeff

I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.  #thedailyjeff

The number of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.    #thedailyjeff

First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.  #thedailyjeff

"That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." – Sharks, Toddlers and Dogs.   #thedailyjeff

If history repeats itself than I am SO getting a dinosaur. #thedailyjeff

Punctuation is important.  Consider these sentences"  Let's eat Gramma."  "Let's eat, Gramma."  Commas can save lives!  #thedailyjeff

Olive Garden says "When you're here, you're family." What a load of bull. Not one waiter has come up to me, drunk, saying I'll never amount to anything.  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

College seminar on preventing sexual assault:  “Thrust but verify.” #thedailyjeff

A deep thought…The objective of golf is to play the least amount of golf. #thedailyjeff

I hope excellent manners becomes the next cool trend. #thedailyjeff

I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.  #thedailyjeff

It's easier to get into hell than to heaven because there's only a Stairway to Heaven, but there's a Highway to Hell.  #thedailyjeff

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” (Charles Darwin)  #thedailyjeff

"Innovation is not about saying yes to everything. It's about saying no to all but the most crucial features." (Steve Jobs) #thedailyjeff

"In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." (Derek Bruce) #thedailyjeff

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

Don't Manatees look like retired football players?  #thedailyjeff

Why aren't cough drops called anti-cough drops? We don't use bacterial soap.  #thedailyjeff

I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is the match to this sock?" and it would be like, "It's in the drier dumbass."  #thedailyjeff

“The ladder of life is full of splinters, but they always prick the hardest when we’re sliding down.” (William L. Brownell) #thedailyjeff

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. (Confucius) #thedailyjeff

When God asks what you’ve done with your life, try not to say “Didn’t you read my Facebook statuses?”   #thedailyjeff

“Prediction is very difficult, especially when it is about the future.” (Niels Bohr) #thedailyjeff

We probably have the only dog that actively watches TV.  He is getting old, however.  He used to bark only at other dogs on TV.  Then as his eyesight got worse, it was horses.  Yesterday it was an ad for roses, which leads me to believe he is now legally blind.  #thedailyjeff

Stillness is what actually kills us, not action. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.   (Unknown) #thedailyjeff 2

America gets called fat and stupid by all nations, and then beats the crap out of them in the Olympics.  Discuss…. #thedailyjeff

It makes more sense to dump Gatorade on the losing head coach. #thedailyjeff

As I said before, I never repeat myself. #thedailyjeff

There are 302 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable. #thedailyjeff 

The best person for a job is generally the one that understands it enough to not want it. #thedailyjeff

"Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.  #thedailyjeff

Hard to go on living when I realize Snooki met my life goals of losing weight and becoming a bestselling author before I did.  #thedailyjeff

Don't think of it as a flu shot. Think of it as installing virus protection software.  #thedailyjeff

No one speaks face-to-face anymore -- Tweeting, texting, Facebooking, emailing, voicemail. Shouldn't we call this 'anti-social media?"  #thedailyjeff

Some people might as well post "Wants Attention" as their Facebook status."  Good thing I'm not one of those losers.  #thedailyjeff  

When accountants go insane, do they start to hear invoices?  #thedailyjeff

It isn't that I'm not a people person.  I'm just not a stupid people person.  #thedailyjeff

Every time I consider being healthy, I remember ice cream. #thedailyjeff

Internet speeds would be a lot faster if it wasn't for all the bandwidth hogs watching their cats sleep by webcam. #thedailyjeff

Sent this text:  "We can tall somete timanye!"  Can't decide if I'm bad at texting, dyslexic, or speaking in tongues again. #thedailyjeff 

Sorry but your password must now contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of three bats. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

There is no reason to tailgate someone in the slow lane, especially when I'm going 35 miles per hour over the speed limit. Those flashing lights on the top of your car look ridiculous too.   #thedailyjeff

Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.    #thedailyjeff

I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they're and their. From now on I'm going to point it out there error.  #thedailyjeff 

We don’t grow when things are easy; we grow when we face challenges. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.  (P. J. O’Rourke) #thedailyjeff

I can count on my calculator for EVERYTHING!  #thedailyjeff

“Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.”  (Samuel Butler) #thedailyjeff

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. (an.)  #thedailyjeff

Ted Cruz is going to make 120 cats very happy one day. #thedailyjeff

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” (Hans Hofmann) #thedailyjeff

Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? "Well, it all started one day when your dad 'liked' one of my selfies." #thedailyjeff

What I hate most about Twitter, is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi   (Anon) #thedailyjeff

Anger is a valuable tool. The world has been changed for the better when someone is pissed off at the way things are. #thedailyjeff

 

“Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.”  (Eugene McCarthy) #thedailyjeff

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” (Pablo Picasso) #thedailyjeff

"To acquire knowledge one must study. To acquire wisdom one must observe." (Marilyn Vos Savant)  Jeff adds…"I'm watching you, so don't mess this one up."   #thedailyjeff

My favorite quote:  “Art is never finished, only abandoned.” (attributed to both Leonardo da Vinci and Pablo Picasso) #thedailyjeff

My second favorite quote:  “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”  (Leonardo da Vinci)  #thedailyjeff

"It's payback time, bitches!" - What new parents think every morning when they wake their kids up.  #thedailyjeff

Decided to write a book on parenting but it ended up being full of cocktail recipes.  So I'm considering changing the title to "Reasons why Dad is always so happy." #thedailyjeff (J)  

Extreme book summary:  "The story of my life" by Hans Christian Anderson.  I'm poor and stupid and so odd that people feel sorry for me and educate me.  I write fairytales that everyone hates...Then I die… then they like them. #thedailyjeff

Extreme book summary:  "Unbroken: A World War Story of Survival, Resilience and Redemption" by Laura Hillenbrand. Louis went to the Olympics, then he joined the army, got shot down and was a POW for years.  He starved.  People were mean.  Then he got rescued. Then he drank a lot.  #thedailyjeff

Jews must be excellent drivers.  I've driven all across the USA and have never seen a Star of David on a single roadside memorial.  Using that same logic, Christians must be crappy drivers. #thedailyjeff    

Evidently, my admirers are all secret.  #thedailyjeff

Women's magazines are so funny. 1: You're beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: You're fat and can lose 20 pounds in 10 days.  3. Why men are such pigs. 4. How to snag the man of your dreams.  #thedailyjeff

OK, in the last week I heard three really weird first names.  "Anil" (supposed to be pronounced ah-NIL but sounds like anal), Assole (pronounced aSOLee) and "Penis" (pronounced pe-NAY).  These names are right up there with one of my faves, "Female"...or maybe it was spelled F'Male (Pronounced fah-MAH-lee). #thedailyjeff 

I have no beef with vegetarians. #thedailyjeff

This guy gave me a free copy of his book today. An actual printed copy! I had no idea they were still doing this kind of thing. It's fancy.  #thedailyjeff

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy." (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am not sure.  #thedailyjeff

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work.  (Gallagher) #thedailyjeff

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.  (Wendell Johnson) #thedailyjeff

If a messy desk is the sign of a messy mind, what is an empty desk the sign of?  (J) #thedailyjeff

Don't underestimate me... unless you're trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh. #thedailyjeff  

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.  #thedailyjeff

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. #thedailyjeff

"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. #thedailyjeff

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. (Mel Brooks) #thedailyjeff

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. (Saint Augustine) #thedailyjeff

“I went to a restaurant that served breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the renaissance.” (Stephen Wright) #thedailyjeff

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943 #thedailyjeff

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana....The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.” (Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show) #thedailyjeff

People say you can't live without love...I think oxygen is more important. #thedailyjeff

Am I the only person that blames global warming on those Amish?  Geeze, wake up people. #thedailyjeff 

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands...especially if they are placed around your throat. (An.) #thedailyjeff

It’s really awkward when you hear your own voice on a recording and wonder how you even have friends.   #thedailyjeff

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in.  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. (Zig Ziglar) #thedailyjeff

“If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business because we'd be too cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.”  (Annie Dillard) #thedailyjeff

“The true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good.” (Ann Landers) #thedailyjeff

“Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional. We cannot avoid pain, but we can avoid joy.” (Tim Hansel) #thedailyjeff

“Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.”  (Charles Schulz) #thedailyjeff

Please be sure to neuter your pets, weird friends and relatives.  #thedailyjeff

Some people suck the life out of any room they are in.  Wouldn't it be great if they could suck some fat too?  (Thanks to Lori Sterrett) #thedailyjeff

Long day. Can't wait to get home and curl up with a good The Internet.    #thedailyjeff

Deep thought:  If good things come to those who wait, isn't procrastination a virtue?  #thedailyjeff

Laugh at your problems...everybody else does.  #thedailyjeff

BEST ADVICE: Always have faith and believe in yourself... Because the rest of us think you’re an idiot.  #thedailyjeff

The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.   #thedailyjeff

My mirror, my camera and my mind have completely different ideas of what I look like.   #thedailyjeff

How to write good: Avoid alliteration.  Always.  #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Avoid clichés like the plague.  They are old hat.  #thedailyjeff

One should never generalize.  #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Parenthetical remarks (no matter how relevant) are unnecessary #thedailyjeff

Who needs rhetorical questions?   #thedailyjeff

Deep thought: What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.  #thedailyjeff

“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” (Abraham Lincoln)

 

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you. #thedailyjeff

Is horsepower really still the best measure we have for how powerful cars are?   #thedailyjeff

"Are you lactating?" -- "Got milk?" as campaign as originally translated into Spanish for advertising in Mexico

I'm disappointment in your grammar. #thedailyjeff

What is more scary than any candidate or policy is the gullibility of the public to believe what they say.  #thedailyjeff

It's much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.   #thedailyjeff

"Be a prostitute." -- The Dr. Pepper advertising slogan "Be a Pepper," as understood in England, where "pepper" is slang for "prostitute." Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too? #thedailyjeff

There should be a body shop called Auto Correct. How come other people don't think of stuff like this? #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Sentence fragments?  Eliminate. #thedailyjeff

I can’t understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I’m frightened by old ones. (John Cage) #thedailyjeff

“Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.” (William B. Sprague) #thedailyjeff

I love this quote: “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

“To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” Elbert Hubbard #thedailyjeff

"You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say." (Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald) Jeff adds, I don't know what this means but thought I would write about it. #thedailyjeff 

In order to get a cab license in Copenhagen there seems to be a prerequisite to have several Ns and Ys, plus an A and an O with dots over them in your name plus some other characters.  Like that symbol that is an O with dots.  On the periodic table, I think that is the symbol for Osmium.  #thedailyjeff

I bet Lance Armstrong is rethinking this quote:  “I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.”  #thedailyjeff

It would be great to be a dog.  Everything is brand new & exciting every day.  Hey, there's another dog's butt!  Hey there's a squirrel!  Hey, there's food! (J) #thedailyjeff

Jesus performed a lot of miracles, but nobody ever mentions carpentry.  They never said “Thanks for the loaves and fishes, but I could really use a TV entertainment center.”   What…too soon? #thedailyjeff  

Just unearthed from an ancient carving.  They got it wrong.  Martyrdom doesn’t get you 72 virgins.  It gets you one 72-year old virgin.   Awkward.  (J) #thedailyjeff

Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser. (Vince Lombardi) #thedailyjeff

My old high school physics teacher has only 6 followers on Facebook. Karma's a bitch, sucka!  #thedailyjeff

Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?" #thedailyjeff

“Spent the night playing poker with Tarot cards.  I eventually won because four people died.”  (Stephen Wright)

"There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience."  (French Proverb) No wonder I couldn’t sleep last night…  #thedailyjeff

"Ask yourself how you would act if all the world were looking at you, and act accordingly." (Thomas Jefferson) #thedailyjeff

Every time a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of.  #thedailyjeff 

Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, stranger. #thedailyjeff

Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing? #thedailyjeff

I hopped out of bed this morning like Fred Astaire. Or anyone else, really, who has been dead for 20 years. #thedailyjeff

We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid! #thedailyjeff

If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.  #thedailyjeff

Emotional roller coasters aren't like the ones you see at the theme park.  There is really no height restriction. You know..."You must be over 42" to ride this ride." This is why Kim Jung Un is riding like a boss!  #thedailyjeff

I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.  #thedailyjeff

I was eating my daily apple and a doctor walked right up to me... My whole life has been a lie.  #thedailyjeff

They say "The only thing worse than hate is indifference."  I don't know what that means but I could care less.   #thedailyjeff

If the elevator doesn't come right away, why do we push the button more times, and harder.  Do we believe the elevator is going to think, "Gosh, I have a crowd out there, I'd better hurry!"  No?  Yet we still do it….. #thedailyjeff

We can send a robot 136 million miles to Mars and remotely conduct complicated experiments, but I can't get a stupid vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar bill.  Explain that to me.  #thedailyjeff

Summary of eight hours of painful defensive driving training to get out of a 92-mph ticket:  You need to have vision in order to drive safely.  If you go fast, slow down.  If it is dark or raining do something about it.  If there are people around don't drive into them.  Got it.  #thedailyjeff

Did you know that cigarette butts make up half of all roadside litter? And did you know that it takes a cigarette butt 25 years to decompose because of the plastic in the filter.  So keep your damn butts to yourself!  (Yes, I got this from my Defensive Driving course) #thedailyjeff

Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. You're welcome.   #thedailyjeff

Some people have a way with words. Other people have not way. (Steve Martin) #thedailyjeff

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.  (Oscar Wilde) #thedailyjeff 

They just introduced a beer for dogs.  Great, now I need a new designated driver. (from Steven Colbert) #thedailyjeff

Let's be honest Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy doesn't think he's the most interesting man in the world?  #thedailyjeff

Wouldn't Yoda be a great therapist? #thedailyjeff

"The last ''Sup?'" - cool Bible   #thedailyjeff

l never understood why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.  #thedailyjeff

My friends say I'm indecisive, but I'm not so sure #thedailyjeff

Ambivalent? Well yes and no....  #thedailyjeff

Horror is bad, horrific is bad. Terror is bad, terrific is good? Did I miss something? #thedailyjeff

If you’re going through hell, keep going & come over to my house with some wine. #thedailyjeff

"If sunlight is such a great disinfectant, then why can't I eat chicken that's been left out on a park bench?" -- Stephen Colbert #thedailyjeff

Consider how crazy this is:  the words cite, site, and sight are all pronounced the same but have different meanings.  How do we expect non-English speakers to understand English?  #thedailyjeff

A procrastinator's work is never done.   #thedailyjeff

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment, because you have to deal with everyone else that doesn't have it.    #thedailyjeff

They call today Fat Tuesday, which is really insensitive.   It is only that way because it has a thyroid condition.  #thedailyjeff

"When I graduated from college I had a 4.0.  Unfortunately, that was my blood alcohol level, not my grade point average." (James Carville) #thedailyjeff

Apparently the first rule of the Vegan Club is to tell everybody about the Vegan Club.  #thedailyjeff

Scientology is awesome. It is the only religion that combines science and gynecology. #thedailyjeff

"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it." - Lyndon B. Johnson   #thedailyjeff

Mahatma Gandhi said "There is more to life than increasing its speed." I say yes but it still feels great to drive down a highway at 90 mph in a Porsche.  (or 92 mph as the ticket said) #thedailyjeff

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." (Napoleon Bonaparte) #thedailyjeff

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes." (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." (John F. Kennedy) #thedailyjeff

"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes." (Winston Churchill) #thedailyjeff

My advice to a PhD history student "There's no future in history." #thedailyjeff 

Consider this conundrum:  You could have a woman who is 5"5" and is a size 10 standing next to another woman who is 5'10" and a size 5.  How do you expect men to figure this out?  (Thanks to Alonzo Bodden) #thedailyjeff

Benjamin Franklin said "Men take more pains to mask than to mend." I didn't understand that so I talked to my buddies about it.  I said “Huh?” They said “Yo.”  End of conversation.  #thedailyjeff

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator (geeky math humor) #thedailyjeff

Apparently cluelessness is a sign of stupidity. I had no idea #thedailyjeff

Got served this weekend in a restaurant where the waitress had so many piercings she looked like she fell head first into a tackle box. #thedailyjeff (J) 

My wife called me an ass, so I called her one back.  She corrected me “I’m an Ass-ET….to you asshole.  Well played.  #thedailyjeff

Lesson 1: Only trust people who like big butts...They cannot lie.

 Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.  #thedailyjeff

It’s interesting that Lance Armstrong first denied then admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs.  Maybe the pivotal moment of realization was when he could suddenly throw a bus across a highway... #thedailyjeff (J)

Sometimes my attention span is shorter than ...hey gold fish crackers are delicious. (An.) #thedailyjeff

When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"  #thedailyjeff

I'm not an optimist but hopefully one day I will be. #thedailyjeff

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." (Agatha Christie)  #thedailyjeff

 

Caveman coming out to his parents:  "Mom and Dad, I'm a gatherer"  #thedailyjeff (j)

Massive evacuation in Great Falls, MT over a natural gas leak turns out to be...wait for it...scratch & sniff cards used to each people what the smell of natural gas is like. So I guess they really work.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/08/scratch-and-sniff-gas-scare_n_3239498.html  #thedailyjeff  

Welcome to hipster church.  "This is my body (bites vegan, gluten-free cookie) this is my blood (sips garage-brewed IPA)   #thedailyjeff

Birds sure seem pretty stupid until you see a pigeon shit on your Porsche.   #thedailyjeff

"To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error." (Janet Coleman) #thedailyjeff

My dentist told me that I needed a crown.  And I said "I KNOW.  Thanks for noticing!"  #thedailyjeff

My version of hell. Hearing "Highway to Hell" in an elevator on Muzak. #thedailyjeff

I'm suggesting we remove all warning labels and let the problem sort itself out. Natural selection is there for a reason. #thedailyjeff

"The only test of good things is that they make us strong." I say surviving the bad things is what makes us really strong. #thedailyjeff

“If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.” (E. Joseph Cossman) #thedailyjeff

Writing "Dictionary" for Broadway. It's a play on words.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

The cops asked me if I had a police record. I said yes 'Every breath you take' and 'Don't stand so close to me'.  Wrong answer. #thedailyjeff

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two…" (Sir Norman Wisdom) #thedailyjeff

Come on ladies.  Men have feelings too. For example, we feel hungry. #thedailyjeff

Was eating jerky today and there was a little silica packet with it that said "Do not eat."  Good thinking.  Too bad there wasn't a warning on the plastic packaging too.  It took me two days to get that stuff out of my teeth.  #thedailyjeff

Results from an instant poll:  93% of Americans favor sending Congress to Syria.  That'll cripple Assad.  #thedailyjeff

Startling (and real) fact:  90% of all the data in the world has been created over the past TWO years.  #thedailyjeff

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.  #thedailyjeff

A guy came to my house last night, said he needed money for starving African children. I told him to get off my porch. What kind of awful person buys starving African children? Freak.  #thedailyjeff

Dang Auto correct! Now you see why I have crust issues! (An.) #thedailyjeff

Never believe for a second that happiness - or even contentment - will find you.  You must actively seek it every day. #thedailyjeff  

Think about this.  Isn't Tetherball is just a giant cat toy for people. #thedailyjeff

Saw a special on Pearl Harbor and something struck me.  Why did those kamikaze pilots wear helmets? #thedailyjeff

[r(cos
θ+isinθ)] 1/n =r 1/n (cosθ+2kπ n +isinθ+2kπ n ) k=0,1,,n1.   The first step is admitting you have a problem.   #thedailyjeff

“…And that's when I realized, it wasn't the hamburger who needed help, it was me.”  - Excerpt from my unauthorized biography of Hamburger Helper.  #thedailyjeff

I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something. #thedailyjeff

Rorschach was a pretty strange guy painting all those pictures of unicorns making out with my dad. #thedailyjeff

…Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like "what is a movie?" #thedailyjeff

OK, in the wake of all these news anchors stretching the truth I want to be clear about a few things.  I was NOT sitting next to JFK when he was shot, I was not the Chief of Staff for Generalissimo Francisco Franco,  I was not one of the leaders in Teddy Roosevelt’s charge up San Juan Hill, I didn’t start Facebook, I was not the Mayor of Chicago from 2001 to 2008, I didn’t discover Braxton-Hicks Syndrome, I didn’t find Saddam Hussein sitting on a pile of weapons of mass destruction, I wasn’t in the Black Panthers nor did I start the Hell’s Angels Motorcycle club, and I didn’t introduce John Lennon to Paul McCartney.  Whew…I’m glad I got that off my chest. #thedailyjeff

 

They say you should get at least eight hours of beauty sleep per night.  But I say get 9 or 10 hours if you're ugly. #thedailyjeff

Relationship advice to friends... next time your significant other asks what's on TV, don't say dust.  #thedailyjeff

I was showing a friend a piece of art I created and he said I was a "highly regarded" artist.  I was flattered and then realized that he actually said "highly retarded."  Well, that has a whole different meaning. #thedailyjeff

As I was complaining about the speed we were driving I asked, "Are you in a hurry or something?"  I was informed, "I'm not in a hurry.  This is the way I ALWAYS drive!"  Well played…..#thedailyjeff

 

I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.  #thedailyjeff

Five great lessons for managing your life
1. Accept that perfection is not success. Pursue real improvement and have the wisdom to know when to stop.
2. Your success is not measured by approval from others. First, this isn’t highschool and second, it implies the assumption that someone’s approval of a task is greater than yours.
3. The past does not equal success. Repeating failures is a drain on self confidence but the real failure would be to accept it and continue to approach the problem the same way – failures are learning experiences to be built off of, not leaned on like a crutch.
4. Emotions are not reality. You have to be aware enough of your emotions to separate them from your reality so they don’t hinder you and you have to separate others’ emotional reactions from the reality of the problem.
5. Finally, stop saying ‘I know.’ Saying it closes doors to new information and relationships that could create new opportunities. By saying ‘I know’ you are settling for where your life has taken you so far. No one’s destiny is predestined, unless you act like it is.

7 habits of incredibly happy people
1. Be busy, but not rushed
2. Have 5 close relationships
3. Don’t tie your happiness to external events (or other people)
4. Exercise
5. Embrace the things that make you uncomfortable and master them
6. Spend more money on experiences, not things
7. Don’t ignore your itches - explore

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday.  People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see once per year.  And then discover once a year is way too often. (Johnny Carson) #thedailyjeff

The meal isn’t over until I hate myself.  (Louis C.K.) #thedailyjeff

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.  (Stephen Colbert) #thedailyjeff

"Follow your dreams, except for the one where you're naked in church."
(Rev. David Ault) #thedailyjeff

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." (Franklin P. Jones) #thedailyjeff

So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not like it’s the end of the world. #thedailyjeff

Read an interesting Harvard Business Review article about following “the disciplined pursuit of less“. These followers design their lives over what’s essential and eliminate everything else. Go for a walk without checking their phone or listening to their iPod. Set your phone to “do not disturb” at 8pm every night. Plan to have free time on the weekends.  It’s liberating to de-clutter our lives. Choose the things that matter. Eliminate the ones that don’t. Six months from now, what will be more important— missing a vacation or missing a weekend to get ahead on work? Choose wisely. #thedailyjeff

Great video makes fun of every generic commercial you've ever seen.  #thedailyjeff  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YBtspm8j8M&feature=player_embedded

It’s the new year.  Let’s see if we can get things right this time.  #thedailyjeff

Common sense is so rare these days it should be classified as a super power.  #thedailyjeff

“Dogs come when they are called.  Cats take a message and get back to you later.” (Mary Bly) #thedailyjeff

It is impossible to look at a sleeping dog or baby and fell tense.  #thedailyjeff

Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.  #thedailyjeff

My New Year’s Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so damn impatient!  #thedailyjeff

If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We've always wanted to go skydiving.  #thedailyjeff

There seems to be this crazy trend at Yellowstone National Park of people wanting to take selfies with bears.  The park rangers didn’t know about it until they noticed an increase in the number of severed arms found around the park holding smart phones.  #thedailyjeff

“Red meat isn’t bad for you.  Now blue-green meet – that’s bad for you.” (Tom Smothers) Jeff adds, this is why my family won’t let me eat leftovers.  Blue…green...brown…whatever, they’re all the same, right?  #thedailyjeff

I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

“Being powerful is like being a lady.  If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.”  (Margaret Thatcher) #thedailyjeff

Why isn’t a restaurant that serves soup called a “brothel?”  What?… too weird?  #thedailyjeff

"I felt a hair in my mouth but I pulled out a strand of colorful scarves. I knew then." Quote from David Copperfield's unauthorized bio I'm writing (KarenKilgariff) #thedailyjeff

“In order to be effective, truth must penetrate like an arrow -- and that is likely to hurt.” (Wei Wu Wei)   #thedailyjeff

"A journey is like a marriage.  The certain way to be wrong is to think you can control it."   (John Steinbeck)  #thedailyjeff

When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices. #thedailyjeff

Funny how the word “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts.” (Emma) #thedailyjeff

I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said. #thedailyjeff

“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” (Leo J. Burke)  #thedailyjeff

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.  #thedailyjeff

For all people who made me laugh this year: Thank you.  #thedailyjeff

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” (Groucho Marx) #thedailyjeff

Have you ever noticed that studying is a combination of the words “student” and “dying.”  (keerthi) #thedailyjeff

“The President just hired an Ebola tsar.  That sounds to me like the name of the shortstop on a Venezuelan baseball team.”  (Roy Blount Jr.)  #thedailyjeff

I’ve realized that you should never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. And even then, you should act surprised. (EB Flipshank) #thedailyjeff

Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.  (Novell) #thedailyjeff

Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

I thanked my wife for loving me even though I had millions of faults.  She replied “It isn’t millions.”  Well played Linda, well played.  #thedailyjeff

You never truly feel the need for the T and G keys to be further apart on your keyboard until you accidentally reply to an email by saying, "Best Retards."   #thedailyjeff

I don't have a smartphone. I have a phone that really shows potential but doesn't apply itself.  (An.)   #thedailyjeff

Becoming an adult is probably the dumbest thing I have ever done.    #thedailyjeff

My stupid GPS can't find my reading glasses. Bitch.   #thedailyjeff

Some people create their own storms, then complain when it rains.  (thanks to Ravel Todd) #thedailyjeff

I find it awkward when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.  #thedailyjeff

I turned my phone on to "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst performer ever!  #thedailyjeff

Never chase love, affection, attention or praise. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having. (An.) #thedailyjeff
 
We spend so much time trying to change the world, but we fail to realize that some things just show up all by themselves.  Age, wrinkles and baldness, for example.  #thedailyjeff

Happy Leif Erickson day! Three true facts about Columbus' supposed discovery of America. 1) he never set foot in North America, not even once.  2) He was trying to find a route to India (should have turned left rather than right) and 3) my Norwegian ancestor Leif Ericson founded a settlement in Nova Scotia 500 years earlier.  So suck it Columbus!  #thedailyjeff

You know you are finally growing up when "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again". #thedailyjeff

The truth is very simple -- not nearly as complicated as we want it to be.  #thedailyjeff

I'm not particularly a fan of Chris Matthews or the other talking heads on TV, but he used a phrase that is brilliant.   He said we can't run the "government by tantrum."   That is exactly what we're doing. #thedailyjeff

I must be getting old.  Bought an $18 bottle of wine last night hoping it would be OK and realized that there was a time, not too long ago, when a $2.00 bottle of wine was considered "really good stuff." #thedailyjeff

Not to get technical… But according to chemistry alcohol is a solution. You're welcome.   #thedailyjeff

“Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English.” – dogs

_______/\___________\o/__ #sharkweek #thedailyjeff

Enjoy everything. You might not get to experience it twice.   #thedailyjeff

Memories are sweet, cherish them.   #thedailyjeff

You can’t spell “listen” without “silent.” #thedailyjeff

Don’t promise when you’re happy, don’t reply when you’re angry, and don’t decide when you’re sad.  #thedailyjeff

In marriage it's not just about the good times you have, it's also about the obstacles you can go through together and still say 'I love you' in the end.   #thedailyjeff

The strongest type of love isn't the one you prove by saying, but the one you are ready to sacrifice anything for.   #thedailyjeff

I don't know why all these countries are so upset about the NSA spying on their telephone calls.  One thing you can say about the USA...we good listeners (Jon Stewart)  #thedailyjeff

Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross.  #thedailyjeff

I don't know why I don't buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.   #thedailyjeff

When books were first invented i'll bet some people would pretentiously say, "I liked the book but the traveling storyteller was much better."   #thedailyjeff

If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood…..just thinking ... (J)  #thedailyjeff

Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. #thedailyjeff

If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?  Explain that one to me.  #thedailyjeff

Do people in prison celebrate Halloween.... If so how does that work?  #thedailyjeff

“Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.” (Harry S. Truman) #thedailyjeff

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?  #thedailyjeff

“Do or do not.  There is no try.”  (Yoda) #thedailyjeff

“If you don’t like change, you’re going to like irrelevance even less.”  (Gen. Eric Shinseki) #thedailyjeff

Think about this:  Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... People the opposite.  #thedailyjeff

“Most Texans thing that Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.”  (Richard Lewis) #thedailyjeff

“Did you sleep well?  No, I made a couple of mistakes.” (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

Auto correct has to be my worst enema. #thedailyjeff

When I die I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did in his sleep - not screaming like the passengers in his car.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

I've accepted that I’ll never get back to my original weight. After all, when you think about it, 8 lbs. 3 oz. is pretty unrealistic, even using the best diet. #thedailyjeff

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.  #thedailyjeff

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. You should never drink and derive. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Someone asked me to explain particle physics "In my own words."  Apparently English wouldn't work.  So here goes:  Eoieur gn weoiru tuoiut.  Freuw tiun sdfb 32.  Qweuir bfuew tt rwhwoeiubtgoiubgt.  Is that clear?  #thedailyjeff 

Dear math.  Solve your own damn problems.  #thedailyjeff

I don't dance anymore because the last time I did it they thought I was having a seizure, and called the paramedics. #thedailyjeff

Consider this irony.  Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.  #thedailyjeff

I work at a place where there are a lot of people that show their preference for Star Trek versus Star Wars through the bumper stickers on their cars.  "Vulcans for peace" and "Vader likes it," "Starfleet Academy Grad" and things like that.  I have one word for them, "Single."  #thedailyjeff 
 
Why do baby clothes have pockets?  What could a baby possibly be carrying...a knife?  A cigar?  A cell phone?   #thedailyjeff

I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor." #thedailyjeff

Ugh I hate college football stadiums. The men's bathroom here doesn't have any urinals! Just a bunch of women screaming. Lame.  #thedailyjeff

"Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence." (Napoleon Bonaparte)  #thedailyjeff
 
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. #thedailyjeff

If zombies ever attack go to Costco. They have years of food and supplies. Also, zombies can't get in without a membership.  #thedailyjeff

I think on my deathbed I'll tell everyone "pray for me." Then I'll give them an envelope to be opened after die with a note inside that says "Pray harder next time."  #thedailyjeff

I wonder if there is such a thing as positive version of Tourette's Syndrome.  You know, instead of yelling curse words they scream things like "Have a nice day!" or "I love that outfit!"   #thedailyjeff

Død over Columbus. Leif Ericson kom 500 år tidligere !!! (Translation:  Death to Colombus.  Lief Erickson arrived 500 years earlier!!!)  #thedailyjeff

 I hate people that comment on their own Facebook status. Me too.  #thedailyjeff

They say in life, the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group. I don't know what this means but it pisses me off.   #thedailyjeff
 
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order:  Liquor store,  gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that? #thedailyjeff

The root of the word "Vegetarian" is derived from an ancient Indian word  meaning "poor hunter"  #thedailyjeff

 

Went to a foot doctor yesterday.  He lied.  He was way taller than that. #thedailyjeff
 
When I die, I want someone to keep updating my Facebook status to freak people out. #thedailyjeff

I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and they called every one of them a "cracker". #thedailyjeff

My kids have my wife's hair.  The shower drain has mine.  #thedailyjeff

They say you are what you eat. So I'm going to start eating skinny people #thedailyjeff

Why do people keep asking dogs "who’s a good boy?" My dog told me he thinks the question is patronizing. #thedailyjeff

Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would probably only consist of . . . "you know I'm going to be king someday"  #thedailyjeff

Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon  #thedailyjeff

Having mirrors in gyms is a stupid idea.  The reason you are there in the first place is because you didn't look good in the last one.  #thedailyjeff

I hate it when I bite my tongue.  I've been chewing for decades...how did I manage to screw that up? #thedailyjeff

"The happiest people do not necessarily have the best things.  They simply appreciate the things they have."  (Warren Buffet) #thedailyjeff

Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good. #thedailyjeff

Consider this.  A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong. #thedailyjeff

"Suppose you were and idiot.  And suppose you were a member of congress….But I repeat myself."  (Mark Twain)  #thedailyjeff

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”  (Emo Philips)  #thedailyjeff

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?  (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, "So far so good!"  (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.   #thedailyjeff

Be careful who you trust. Remember, the devil was once an angel.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible   #thedailyjeff

Let's all pretend for a moment that we're shocked that a professional football player committed sociopathic violence.   #thedailyjeff

The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected. (Will Rogers)  #thedailyjeff

"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."  (Henry David Thoreau)  OK, I'll give you one minute of my time for a DeWalt 12 In. Single-Bevel Compound Miter Saw.  #thedailyjeff

I've been carbo-loading for the last 30 years or so in case I ever need to go on a 5,000 mile run.  #thedailyjeff

Admittedly I've never been very good at math, but I'm pretty sure that Wal-Mart + holidays + women in mom jeans stuffed in Ugg boots = Hell. #thedailyjeff

It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean. #thedailyjeff

I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to discourage cows with body image issues.  #thedailyjeff

Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too. #thedailyjeff

Many of the things you can count, don't count. Many of the things you can't count, really count.  (Albert Einstein)   #thedailyjeff

I think animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway  #thedailyjeff

Is there an equivalent to mistletoe except for punching?   #thedailyjeff

Richard B. Sheridan said "The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed."  I don’t know what that means, but what a loser. #thedailyjeff

They say that the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ("I forgive you...weakling."  Jeff)  #thedailyjeff

You wouldn't think any of my updates were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them. #thedailyjeff

It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. (e.e. cummings)  Jeff says, it takes even more courage to wear that "Cat fancier" t-shirt, those shorts, suspenders, black socks and Crocs. #thedailyjeff

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  So let's just agree now. #thedailyjeff

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. #thedailyjeff

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. I'm just saying… #thedailyjeff

All generalizations are false, including this one.  #thedailyjeff

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?  #thedailyjeff

If corporations are now classified as people, they should also be able to carry guns and get married.  http://on.cc.com/ufuxuU  #thedailyjeff

"Is there anything Meryl Streep hasn't won? Oscars, Golden Globes... Last year she was named professional bull riding's rodeo clown of the year." -- Stephen Colbert http://on.cc.com/rtnTVM  #thedailyjeff

What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek? Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like. #thedailyjeff

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious   #thedailyjeff

Dear Algebra:  Stop asking us to find X.  She is not coming back. #thedailyjeff

Living in a country where obesity is on the rise and skinny jeans are becoming a fad, I fear for the future. #thedailyjeff

A friend told me that the best way to clean car windows is with alcohol.  After 4 drinks I wasn't sure if my windows were clean, but I no longer cared.  #thedailyjeff

Ironic.  The February issue of Advertising Age, "The Digital Edition," is...well….printed. #thedailyjeff

How come I don't know most of the people on the "people you may know" section on Facebook?  #thedailyjeff

One of the ironies of parenting.  You teach your kids to be strong and independent.  But when they are strong and independent with you, it pisses you off. Be careful what you ask for my friends.  #thedailyjeff

Odd sight in Mississippi:  A guy with a camouflaged boat.  Does he seriously think that the fish will look up and not see that huge floating boat above them?  #thedailyjeff

Colors are a myth.  If they are such a big deal, explain them to me.  #thedailyjeff

Was in a restaurant and a woman said "Is there a way I could get a glass of water?" What an idiot.  I can think of lots of ways. #thedailyjeff

Was at Starbucks and the person asked "How do you like your coffee?"  I said, "Only as a friend." #thedailyjeff

Love is believing in someone's best even when they are at their worst. My wife must love me a lot because I'm at my worst most of the time. #thedailyjeff

Seems like every time a tornado lands it hits a trailer park and the media interviews some toothless, fat guy in a t-shirt and cutoffs holding a Chihuahua.  My idea:  Build decoy trailer parks just outside of town, complete with fake people, so the tornado hits it before it does any real harm.  You're welcome Oklahoma.  #thedailyjeff

Men would cuddle a lot more if women smelled like Barbecue.  You're welcome ladies.  #thedailyjeff

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, after you insult him you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.   So only insult people who wear cool shoes.  #thedailyjeff

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it. #thedailyjeff

Imagine a world where there were no hypothetical situations. #thedailyjeff

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. #thedailyjeff

If black boxes survive air crashes – why don’t they make the whole plane out of the stuff? George Carlin #thedailyjeff

In America anyone can become president. That’s the problem. (George Carlin)  #thedailyjeff

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.  #thedailyjeff

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.   #thedailyjeff

If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.  #thedailyjeff

The hardest lesson I ever learned:  Never miss a good chance to shut up.  #thedailyjeff

Save the whales. Collect the whole set   #thedailyjeff

Sorry to break this to you, but there's no future in time travel.  #thedailyjeff

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.  #thedailyjeff

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." - Vlade Divac, Basketball player  #thedailyjeff

Mr. T must be a rock star in the Tea Party.  #thedailyjeff

'One Laptop Per Child' is a really great idea. Now we just have to figure out where to drop off the children to I pick up the laptop #thedailyjeff

"With every mistake, we must surely be learning.”
George Harrison

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. #thedailyjeff

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. (George Burns)
  #thedailyjeff

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.  (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

Raisins are just vegetarian jerky. #thedailyjeff



Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.  (Benjamin Franklin)  #thedailyjeff

They say none are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.  I don't know what that means, but I've lost interest in it.  #thedailyjeff

Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one. #thedailyjeff

China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch #thedailyjeff

Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5.  #thedailyjeff

I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.  #thedailyjeff
 
Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.  #thedailyjeff

And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?  #thedailyjeff

I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them. What a perv.  #thedailyjeff

When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.  #thedailyjeff

Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli%#*  #thedailyjeff

Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs? #thedailyjeff

Writing "Dictionary" for Broadway. It's a play on words   #thedailyjeff

Let's be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy doesn't think he's the most interesting man in the world?  #thedailyjeff

Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don’t get it. Moving on.  #thedailyjeff

California leads the nation in pot production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not...   #thedailyjeff

"You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice."  #thedailyjeff

Have you ever noticed that that nobody ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning?   #thedailyjeff

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.  #thedailyjeff

Couldn't think of the word "Butt dial" so I told my kids I made a booty call.  I guess that has a whole different meaning. (J) #thedailyjeff 

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? #thedailyjeff

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. #thedailyjeff

Freeway billboard:  "Illiterate? Write For Help "   #thedailyjeff

Does it sound bad to say, "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize "? #thedailyjeff

My version of hell.  Hearing "Highway to Hell" in an elevator on Muzak.  (J) #thedailyjeff
Meryl Streep is so good at everything.  I hear her next gig is to play middle linebacker for the New England Patriots. #thedailyjeff

Five foods you don't have to give up (I am SO there!)  http://blogs.webmd.com/food-and-nutrition/2012/01/five-foods-you-dont-have-to-give-up-this-year.html?ecd=wnl_wmh_010612

 I have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a Level-4 biohazard suit.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms like Sandy. Winter storm Voldemort or hurricane Adolf Hitler would be taken much more seriously.   #thedailyjeff

Heat causes things to expand, so I'm not fat; I'm just hot. #thedailyjeff

Was playing Words with Friends and my opponent passed on his turn.  He said he couldn't move his vowels because he was consonated.  #thedailyjeff

A real headline highlighted in Editor & Publisher Magazine:  "Florida reporter finishes sentence." I'll let that one stand by itself.   #thedailyjeff
  
Was watching a show on the History Channel about the Knights Templar.  I'm not sure I have this right but the idea of "Self-flatulation" sounds really smelly  #thedailyjeff 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". #thedailyjeff

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. #thedailyjeff

Isn't a double standard, like, twice as good as standard?  #thedailyjeff

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.  #thedailyjeff



I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. #thedailyjeff

Not really sure what anti-oxidants are, but I'm against them.   #thedailyjeff

The most awesome name for a band would be "Free Beer."  Can you imagine how many people would show up to concerts? (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.  #thedailyjeff

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.(Stephen Wright)  " #thedailyjeff

I never eat cured ham, because I'm not sure what it had before. #thedailyjeff

 

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I don't know?  Like who is Narlyman999? #thedailyjeff

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip...so let me explain the trip you'll soon be enjoying.   #thedailyjeff

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

The "i" before "e' rule is weird.  #thedailyjeff

I worried about karma until I realized that if I did bad things to other people they deserve it.  #thedailyjeff

Stupidest movie idea of all time:  Lincoln was a vampire killer.  This is right up (or down) there with Hot Tub Time Machine, Bio-Dome, Gigli, Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses, Garbage Pail Kids Movie, Howard the Duck, Santa Claus Conquers the Martins….OK, so maybe it is not so unique, but still stupid. (J) #thedailyjeff

Tried to text my daughter that the EURO Cup Soccer game was on and I wanted her to "DVR it."  Somehow autocorrect changed it to "screw it."  Caught it.  Stay vigilant my friends. #thedailyjeff

 

Five foods you don't have to give up (I am SO there!)  http://blogs.webmd.com/food-and-nutrition/2012/01/five-foods-you-dont-have-to-give-up-this-year.html?ecd=wnl_wmh_010612

I have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a Level-4 biohazard suit.  #thedailyjeff

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms like Sandy. Winter storm Voldemort or hurricane Adolf Hitler would be taken much more seriously.   #thedailyjeff


Was playing Words with Friends and my opponent passed on his turn.  He said he couldn't move his vowels because he was consonated.  #thedailyjeff

A real headline highlighted in Editor & Publisher Magazine:  "Florida reporter finishes sentence." I'll let that one stand by itself.   #thedailyjeff

Consider this irony.  Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.  #thedailyjeff

I work at a place where there are a lot of people that show their preference for Star Trek versus Star Wars through the bumper stickers on their cars.  "Vulcans for peace" and "Vader likes it," "Starfleet Academy Grad" and things like that.  I have one word for them, "Single."  #thedailyjeff

Why do baby clothes have pockets?  What could a baby possibly be carrying...a knife?  A cigar?  A cell phone?   #thedailyjeff

I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor." #thedailyjeff

Ugh I hate college football stadiums. The men's bathroom here doesn't have any urinals! Just a bunch of women screaming. Lame.  #thedailyjeff

"Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence." (Napoleon Bonaparte)  #thedailyjeff

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. #thedailyjeff

If zombies ever attack go to Costco. They have years of food and supplies. Also, zombies can't get in without a membership.  #thedailyjeff

I think on my deathbed I'll tell everyone "pray for me." Then I'll give them an envelope to be opened after die with a note inside that says "Pray harder next time."  #thedailyjeff

I wonder if there is such a thing as positive version of Tourette's Syndrome.  You know, instead of yelling curse words they scream things like "Have a nice day!" or "I love that outfit!"   #thedailyjeff

Død til Columbus! Leif Ericson kom 500 år tidligere !!! (Translation:  Death to Colombus.  Lief Erickson arrived 500 years earlier!!!)  #thedailyjeff

I hate people that comment on their own Facebook status.  Me too.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

They say in life, the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group. I don't know what this means but it pisses me off.   #thedailyjeff

Saw these three things on a corner, in this order:  Liquor store,  gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that? #thedailyjeff

The root of the word "Vegetarian" is derived from an ancient Indian word meaning "poor hunter" (An.) #thedailyjeff

Went to a foot doctor yesterday.  He lied.  He was way taller than that. #thedailyjeff

When I die, I want someone to keep updating my Facebook status to freak people out. #thedailyjeff

I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and they called every one of them a "cracker". #thedailyjeff

Anyone else really disturbed that the headline tonight is "Santorum in tight three-way"?#thedailyjeff

My kids have my wife's hair.  The shower drain has mine.  #thedailyjeff

They say you are what you eat. So I'm going to start eating skinny people #thedailyjeff

Auto correct has to be my worst enema. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Why do people keep asking dogs "who’s a good boy?" My dog told me he thinks the question is patronizing. #thedailyjeff

Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home. #thedailyjeff

I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would probably only consist of . . . "you know I'm going to be king someday"  #thedailyjeff

Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon  #thedailyjeff

Having mirrors in gyms is a stupid idea.  The reason you are there in the first place is because you didn't look good in the last one.  #thedailyjeff

I hate it when I bite my tongue.  I've been chewing for decades...how did I manage to screw that up? #thedailyjeff

I don't dance anymore because the last time I did it they thought I was having a seizure and called the paramedics. #thedailyjeff

"The happiest people do not necessarily have the best things.  They simply appreciate the things they have."  (Warren Buffet) #thedailyjeff

Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good. #thedailyjeff

A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong. #thedailyjeff

"Suppose you were and idiot.  And suppose you were a member of congress….But I repeat myself."  (Mark Twain)  #thedailyjeff

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.  (Emo Philips)  #thedailyjeff

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”  (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, "So far so good!"  (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.   #thedailyjeff

Be careful who you trust. Remember, the devil was once an angel.   #thedailyjeff

Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible   #thedailyjeff

 

Let's all pretend for a moment that we're shocked that a professional football player committed sociopathic violence.   #thedailyjeff

“The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.” (Will Rogers)  #thedailyjeff

"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."  (Henry David Thoreau)  OK, I'll give you one minute of my time for a DeWalt 12 In. Single-Bevel Compound Miter Saw.  #thedailyjeff

I've been carbo-loading for the last 30 years or so in case I ever need to go on a 5,000 mile run.  #thedailyjeff

Admittedly I've never been very good at math, but I'm pretty sure that Wal-Mart + holidays + women in mom jeans stuffed in Ugg boots = Hell. #thedailyjeff

It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean. #thedailyjeff

I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to discourage cows with body image issues.  #thedailyjeff

Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too. #thedailyjeff

“Many of the things you can count, don't count. Many of the things you can't count, really count.”  (Albert Einstein)   #thedailyjeff

I think animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Is there an equivalent to mistletoe except for punching?   #thedailyjeff

Richard B. Sheridan said "The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed."  I don’t know what that means, but what a loser. #thedailyjeff

They say that the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ("I forgive you...weakling."  Jeff)  #thedailyjeff

You wouldn't think any of my updates were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them. #thedailyjeff

It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. (e.e. cummings)  Jeff says, it takes even more courage to wear that "Cat fancier" t-shirt, those shorty shorts, suspenders, black socks and Crocs. #thedailyjeff

They say, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  So let's just agree now. #thedailyjeff

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. I'm just saying… #thedailyjeff

All generalizations are false, including this one.  #thedailyjeff

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?  #thedailyjeff

"Is there anything Meryl Streep hasn't won? Oscars, Golden Globes... Last year she was named professional bull riding's rodeo clown of the year." (Stephen Colbert)  #thedailyjeff

What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek? Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like. #thedailyjeff

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious   #thedailyjeff

Dear Algebra:  Stop asking us to find X.  She is not coming back. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Living in a country where obesity is on the rise and skinny jeans are becoming a fad, I fear for the future. #thedailyjeff

A friend told me that the best way to clean car windows is with alcohol.  After 4 drinks I wasn't sure if my windows were clean, but I no longer cared.  #thedailyjeff

Ironic.  The February  issue of Advertising Age, "The Digital Edition," is...well….printed. #thedailyjeff

How come I don't know most of the people on the "people you may know" section on Facebook?  #thedailyjeff

One of the ironies of parenting.  You teach your kids to be strong and independent.  But when they are strong and independent with you, it pisses you off. But in spite of the pissing part, I still would rather have a strong & independent kid.  #thedailyjeff

Odd sight in Mississippi:  A guy with a camouflaged boat.  Does he seriously think that the fish will look up and not see that huge floating boat above them?  #thedailyjeff

Colors are a myth.  If they are such a big deal, explain them to me.  #thedailyjeff

Was in a restaurant and a woman said "Is there a way I could get a glass of water?"  I can think of lots of ways. #thedailyjeff

Was at Starbucks and the person asked "How do you like your coffee?"  I said, "Only as a friend…a very close friend." #thedailyjeff

Love is believing in someone's best even when they are at their worst. My wife must love me a lot because I'm at my worst most of the time. #thedailyjeff

Seems like every time a tornado lands it hits a trailer park and the media interviews some toothless, fat guy in a stained t-shirt and cutoffs holding a Chihuahua.  My idea:  Build decoy trailer parks just outside of town, complete with fake people, so the tornado hits it before it does any real harm.  You're welcome Oklahoma.  #thedailyjeff

Men would cuddle a lot more if women smelled like Barbecue.  You're welcome ladies.  #thedailyjeff

They say: Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, after you insult him you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.   So only insult people who wear cool shoes.  #thedailyjeff

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it. #thedailyjeff

Imagine a world where there were no hypothetical situations. #thedailyjeff

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. (An.) #thedailyjeff

“If black boxes survive air crashes – why don’t they make the whole plane out of the stuff?” (George Carlin) #thedailyjeff

“In America anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” (George Carlin)  #thedailyjeff

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.  #thedailyjeff

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.   #thedailyjeff

If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.  #thedailyjeff

Save the whales. Collect the whole set   #thedailyjeff

Sorry to break this to you, but there's no future in time travel.  #thedailyjeff

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.  #thedailyjeff

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." - Vlade Divac, Basketball player  #thedailyjeff


'One Laptop Per Child' is a really great idea. Now we just have to figure out where to drop off the children to I pick up the laptop? #thedailyjeff

"With every mistake, we must surely be learning.”
George Harrison

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. (George Burns)  #thedailyjeff

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.  (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

Raisins are just vegetarian jerky. #thedailyjeff

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”  (Benjamin Franklin)  #thedailyjeff

They say none are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.  I don't know what that means, but I've lost interest in it.  #thedailyjeff

Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one. #thedailyjeff

China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch #thedailyjeff

Don't you think it’s high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean? #thedailyjeff

Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.  #thedailyjeff

Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.  #thedailyjeff

And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?  #thedailyjeff

I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them. What a perv.  #thedailyjeff

When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.  #thedailyjeff

Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli%#*  #thedailyjeff

Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs? #thedailyjeff

Writing "Dictionary" for Broadway. It's a play on words. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Let's be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy doesn't think he's the most interesting man in the world?  #thedailyjeff

Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don’t get it. Moving on.  #thedailyjeff

California leads the nation in pot production and BigFoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not...   #thedailyjeff

You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice.  #thedailyjeff

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.  #thedailyjeff

Couldn't think of the word "Butt dial" so I told my kids I made a booty call.  I guess that has a whole different meaning.  #thedailyjeff 

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? (An.) #thedailyjeff

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Freeway billboard:  "Illiterate? Write for Help "   #thedailyjeff

Does it sound bad to say, "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize "? #thedailyjeff

My version of hell.  Hearing "Highway to Hell" in an elevator on Muzak.  #thedailyjeff

Meryl Streep is so good at everything.  I hear her next gig is to play middle linebacker for the New England Patriots. #thedailyjeff

Was watching a show on the History Channel about the Knights Templar.  I'm not sure I have this right but the idea of "Self-flatulation" sounds really bad  #thedailyjeff 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". #thedailyjeff

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. #thedailyjeff

Isn't a double standard, like, twice as good as standard?  #thedailyjeff

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.  #thedailyjeff

I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. #thedailyjeff

Not really sure what anti-oxidants are, but I'm against them.  #thedailyjeff

The most awesome name for a band would be "Free Beer."  Can you imagine how many people would show up to concerts? (An.)  #thedailyjeff



I never eat cured ham.  I’m not going to eat anything that was recently sick. #thedailyjeff

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I don't know?  Like who is Narlyman999? #thedailyjeff

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip...so let me explain the trip you'll soon be enjoying. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. (an.) #thedailyjeff
 
The "i" before "e” rule is weird.  #thedailyjeff

 

Did you know that the first ever border wall between the USA and Mexico was built in 1918 – 100 years ago – by Felix Penaloza, Mayor of Nogales, Mexico, on the line that defined it from Nogales, Arizona?  Apparently that one didn’t work either.Word nerd:  Are you feeling nauseated or nauseous? You feel nauseated.  If you are nauseous you’re making SOMEONE ELSE feel nauseated.  Thanks Linny for the suggestion.  #thedailyjeff

 

The FDA now won't let anything made of nuts be called "Milk," so we need a new name for this stuff.  I'm thinking "Nut Juice" just isn't going to work. (#waitwait)  #thedailyjeff

When choosing a college major, consider this irony.  There is really no future in History.  #thedailyjeff

The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that some countries still haven’t mastered the haircut.  #thedailyjeff

Let me wrap my head around this.  Some politicians are proposing to arm teachers.  These teachers are the same ones who are compassionate and selfless enough to nurture our children to make them productive citizens.  Can we really ask them to shoot one of their students?  #thedailyjeff

 

Best advice to dads:  #thedailyjeff
`             Wake up (to take them places)

Show up (when it is important)

Be up (positive)

Make up (apologize when necessary)

Put up (encourage their differences from you)

Pick up (when they need you to pick them up the most)

 

The United States is a place where dads get a day and sharks get a whole week. (Xuppi) #thedailyjeff

 

A reality of life: Everything you do, think and say reflects on your family – especially your parents.  What have you done today to make them proud of you?  #thedailyjeff

 

Your ATT bill will now include a new surcharge:  Porn star repayment fee.  #thedailyjeff

The St. Louis Dispatch pointed out recently that a TV reporter said "aloo akbar"  (Potatoes are great) instead of "Allahu akbar" (Allah is great)." The word potatoes is apparently "Aloo" in Urdu.  To say God is great it is actually pronounced like this: Alaw-hu-ak-bur.  Phonetics is important!  #thedailyjeff

In a recent meeting with Bill Gates, Trump asked whether his foundation was working to eradicate HIV or HPV.  Gates believed he didn’t know the difference.  Fake but still funny:  When assured it was HIV, Trump said, “I love that channel.  Isn’t that the one where the Property Brothers show is on?” #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure word of the day: Mumpsimus [muhmp-suh-muh s]: One who sticks obstinately and wrongly to their old ways or thoughts. Sound like someone we know??  #thedailyjeff

"Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity." (Irving Kristol). My point of view…I get this.  We’re a land of opportunity, not necessarily fairness.  #thedailyjeff

 

 

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions.   #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure word of the day: gymnophoria (Jim.no.for.iah) The sensation that someone is mentally undressing you.  #thedailyjeff

 

I don't know what's more depressing, a sign twirler who's lazy or a sign twirler who's really into it.  #thedailyjeff

 

OK, I’ve lived here 28 years now, so I’m revealing 26 tips on how to piss off a Texan: tip #4: Make fun of the way we talk:  “Y’all” (singular, meaning “you”), Y’alls (plural, meaning “you and others”), “Y’all’s” (plural possessive), “You’all’l” (more than one of you will do something). “Fixin” (meaning “I’m about to do this thing”) are standard.  Sure we say some funny things, but that’s just a part of who we are. If you ever find yourself in Texas, you’d do well to incorporate some of our lingo, so you don’t look like such a foreigner.  #thedailyjeff

 

When we support people who blame others for their failings, especially politicians, we encourage – even accept – their failings. #thedailyjeff

 

At what point does a tattoo go from being a work of art to appearing as though it is some sort of hideous birth defect? #anybasketballplayer  #thedailyjeff

 

My friend told me he was addicted to Twitter.  I told him, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.” #thedailyjeff

 

 

 

 

 

What 50-year-olds (and older) know that 20-year-olds often don’t (Phyl Bean) #thedailyjeff

Be kind. The benefits of being kind—or at the very least courteous—far outweigh the effort you put in. Kind people live longer than unkind people.

I know myself better than anyone else. Don’t let anyone else’s opinions control what you do, what you wear, or what you say. Other people’s opinions are suggestions—take them or leave them.

Everyone else is as worried and insecure as you are. Some people just hide it better. It doesn’t mean that they are any smarter or better than you.

Laugh it off. If you make a mistake, fall down, or do something dumb, just laugh it off. Give yourself a break.

“Fitting in” is highly overrated. Be you. Confidence is sexy. Besides, great leaders didn’t get where they are by following the crowd.

Don’t stay in a bad relationship, even if it’s “for the kids.” Oftentimes, kids really thrive outside the bounds of a toxic relationship.

It’s just stuff. Sure, stuff gets broken—oftentimes accidentally by people you love—and that’s annoying. But your stuff can be replaced. Stuff is never, ever as important as those you love.

You’re probably a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for being.

Don’t judge. You don’t know all the facts. As a pretty famous guy is alleged to have said, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”  #thedailyjeff

Never lose your inner child. Dance. Sing. Skip. Tell poop jokes (not to strangers, though). Go down the slide. Bounce at the bouncy house. And if people think it’s dumb, screw them. See #2 above.

Don’t make major life decisions to please other people. Live life for YOU. The world needs good auto mechanics and good attorneys. It’ll all work out.

Don’t beat yourself up about stuff. Do what you can to fix your mistakes, then move on. Guilt is only good for pushing you toward making things right again. After that, it becomes shame, and shame is a toxic substance which will eat you up inside. Same for worry.

Enjoy life. Literally, stop to smell and admire the flowers. Wonder. Smile at strangers and see how many you can get to smile back. Have fun.

Life goes by really, really fast. Live each day so that, at the end, you’re reveling in how amazing your life was, not regretting all the things you did or didn’t do.

Life is better after 50.

On my “color life journey” I learned something new today.  The top color on a rainbow is red.  Am I the first only person in the world that didn’t already know this? #thedailyjeff

Perfect solution to fix our government:  Reboot.  Turn it off, then turn it back on.  This works for computers, so why not at least try it.  (#waitwait) #thedailyjeff

I heard a government official referred to as a “senior harasser.”  It wasn’t about harassing old people, as I first thought.  #thedailyjeff

They say all you need is love, and Valentine's Day is the perfect time to buy lots of expensive things to prove it. #thedailyjeff

The founder of IKEA just passed away but they haven’t buried him yet. They’re still trying to figure out how to put the coffin together (#waitwait#thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  floccinaucinihilipilification [flok-suh-naw-suh-nahy-hil-uh-pil-uh-fi-KEY-shuh n] The categorizing or estimating of something that is useless or trivial.  #thedailyjeff

Many know – especially the dead ones – that my cooking skills are “challenged.”  But I seem to have added a new state between raw and burnt:  Burnt on the outside but still frozen on the inside. Progress!  #thedailyjeff

Obscure regional word: wapatuli, (n. “whop.a.tool.ee”), Wisconsin: a homemade alcoholic drink with any combination of hard liquors or other beverages—Mountain Dew, white wine and vodka, anyone? #thedailyjeff

“I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World?” (Demetri Martin) #thedailyjeff

Can any of you help me finish the lyrics to the second track of my breakout C&W album? “Got the flu and pneumonia, my Wi-Fi is down, by dog got spayed and Linny ain’t around.”  I’m hoping to mix tried & true elements with some new stuff:  My self-driving truck left me when it got drunk.  My Uber driver was from Wisconsin.  Mama did Jazzercize that the CrossFit gym.  I stubbed my toe on the chaise lounge outside.  You know, relevant stuff like that.  #thedailyjeff

I have the flu and the say drink plenty of fluids. Beer is fluid. Right? #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  charientism (ka-ri-yent-izm): An artfully veiled insult. “I’m not insulting you…I’m simply a charientist.”  #thedailyjeff

The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it....If you can't laugh at it, use fists.  #thedailyjeff

I’m going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife. All set... #thedailyjeff

 

 

Someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch an Airplane and they'll say, "Man, I can't believe they used to let people ride in those things." #thedailyjeff

Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolverine. #thedailyjeff

I really believe your baby is adorable. I'm wondering why you sent me a picture of a monkey. #thedailyjeff 

Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.  #thedailyjeff

A lot of people assume when I laugh while texting someone, it's because what they said is funny. But in most cases, I am laughing at what I said because I'm just that hilarious.  #thedailyjeff

According to some magazine, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low... Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...  #thedailyjeff

Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you? #thedailyjeff

“Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die.”  (Brian Vaszily)  Jeff adds...Playing dead is the way that we survive a bear attack. #thedailyjeff (J)

“It is not what we take up, but what we give up, that makes us rich.”  (Henry Ward Beecher)  I gave up collecting Hummels, where is the money?  #thedailyjeff (J)

“The longer you stay in one place, the greater your chance of disillusionment.” (Art Spander)  #thedailyjeff

 “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in.”  The Bible, Phillipians 4:11)  #thedailyjeff

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”  (Howard Thurman)  #thedailyjeff

George Eliot said “It is never too late to be what you might have been.”  (Jeff adds...it is also not too late to start acting like a highly-evolved being.  #thedailyjeff (J) 

Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you’re alive, it isn’t.  (Richard Bach) #thedailyjeff

They say that opportunity is always knocking. The only problem is that for some people the knocking is actually those marbles rattling around inside their head.  #thedailyjeff 

Old truism:  Some people develop a wishbone where their back bone should be. #thedailyjeff

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself. (Ethel Barrymore).  I don’t know what this means but I don’t think it is funny.   #thedailyjeff

“Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing.”  (Alexander Woollcott)  #thedailyjeff

“If I had a dollar for every time someone came to me with not only a problem but also a possible solution to that problem, I’d have six dollars.” (Brian Vaszily).  My take on this is that I’d have only about 25 cents.  #thedailyjeff

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. (Dale Carnegie)  Jeff's corollary:  "Today is tomorrow's yesterday, infinitely inverted." #thedailyjeff(J)

Everyone is entitled to his or her own incorrect opinion.  #thedailyjeff

Ralph Waldo Emerson said "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."  Jeff adds, yes, but if you have a big behind you have probably put too much IN you.  #thedailyjeff

They say your opinion of the world is also a confession of character.  The LameStream media and most of Congress & Senate must have, like, zero character.  (J) #thedailyjeff

A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions–as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

They say setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means. I think a big stick also works pretty well too. #thedailyjeff (J)

Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

"Slomosapiens" = Slow people #thedailyjeff

 Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great people make you feel that you too can become great. #thedailyjeff

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day   #thedailyjeff

 

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”  (Robert Frost)  Jeff adds three other words…"People will forget." #thedailyjeff

 

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Satisfaction does not come with achievement, but with effort. Full effort is full victory. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems (An.) #thedailyjeff

  

Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life – think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

Even the greatest fool can accomplish a task if it were after his or her heart. But the intelligent ones are those who can convert every work into one that suits their taste.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

  

They say every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. Jeff adds...Yea, but sometimes the things you actually do make you guilty too. #thedailyjeff (J)

 

Whenever you find whole world against you just turn around and lead the world. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

             

Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. (Henry Ford) #thedailyjeff

 

Oprah said "I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become."  Jeff adds...then she must be a house, because that's where I dwell.  #thedailyjeff

 

You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want. (Zig Ziglar)  #thedailyjeff

 

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” (Truman Capote)  Jeff adds….Make sure yours is Jalapeno flavored.  #thedailyjeff

 

In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.  (Theodore Roosevelt)  #thedailyjeff

 

Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down. (Charles F. Kettering, Engineer and Inventor) #thedailyjeff

 

“Losers visualize the penalties of failure. Winners visualize the rewards of success.”  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

Some succeed because they are destined. Some succeed because they are determined. (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

 

Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want. (Dan Stanford)  Jeff adds...Revenge only comes later.   #thedailyjeff (J)

 

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. (Richard Bach)  #thedailyjeff

 

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. (Anatole France)  Or have a bunch of money (Jeff) #thedailyjeff (J)

 

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.  (Eleanor Roosevelt) #thedailyjeff

 

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.” (Eleanor Roosevelt) Jeff adds...And if you are still afraid, run like hell. #thedailyjeff (J)

 

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. (John Wooden)  Jeff adds...Don't do-be-do-be-do   #thedailyjeff

 

Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great. (Machiavelli) #thedailyjeff

 

A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience. (Elbert Hubbard) #thedailyjeff

 

Do first things first, and second things not at all. (Peter Drucker)   #thedailyjeff

 

Foster’s Law:  The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

We see things not as they are, but as we are. (H. M. Tomlinson). Jeff adds ...But we see pirates as they "Ar, ar, ar!" #thedailyjeff

 

Euripides said in 406BC, "Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom."  That might have been true then but today there are plenty of people who are both successful and stupid. Kanye West comes to mind.(J) #thedailyjeff

 

There is only one success–to be able to spend your life in your own way. (Christopher Morleys) #thedailyjeff

 

The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. (Chinese Proverb) #thedailyjeff

 

The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.  #thedailyjeff

  

Always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as the most beautiful monkey on the planet.  #thedailyjeff

 

I never understood people watching a football game wearing their team jersey. That's like me watching CSI dressed as a dead murder victim.... (Whitney Cummings) #thedailyjeff

 

Don't make fun of a fat guy with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it

 

95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home. (Unknown)

 

I truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile... Then we can be NEW friends again!! #thedailyjeff

 

These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are rip-offs. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones. #thedailyjeff

 

May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook!! #thedailyjeff

 

Just took a shower…a good thing.  So why did they ask me to leave Home Depot? #thedailyjeff

 

If I’m reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them. #thedailyjeff

 

Dear Nintendo Wii, if I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I would just play sports.  #thedailyjeff

 

If my calculations are correct... Switching to Geico from Allstate, then transferring your policy to State Farm, only to drop them and switch to Progressive.... Auto insurance will be free!   #thedailyjeff

 

I wonder if I’ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying “here’s one.”  #thedailyjeff

 

When I was in high school, I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were. #thedailyjeff

 

They have smart phones, smart cars and all the smart stuff. When they going to start making smart people?? #thedailyjeff

 

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

I think it would be cool to actually see a tornado before I die, just not RIGHT before.  #thedailyjeff

 

A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

  

Karate lessons are really great for getting that full arm cast you need to break other stuff.  #thedailyjeff

  

Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, soda bottles, empty tins, paper plates. Yea, that's right! I'm talking trash!!!!!!!!!! #thedailyjeff

 

There are two kinds of people I don't trust. Schizophrenics. #thedailyjeff


"If you pick up any random object in the United States, there's a good chance it's butter." -- Stephen Colbert http://on.cc.com/t9eIKe  #thedailyjeff

 

How much do my arms have to weigh before I can be considered heavily armed?  #thedailyjeff

 

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing perfectly acceptable. Just realized that there must be a lot of people out there meditating. (J) #thedailyjeff

 

When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be… "I left one million dollars in the...." #thedailyjeff

 

I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have a problem. #thedailyjeff

  

Every day, tell at least one person something you like, admire, or appreciate about them.  Jeff says, you all have nice hair, except for you, baldy.  #thedailyjeff (J)

  

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. (Winston Churchill)  Jeff adds… We also get what we deserve, and for you it’s not looking so good.  #thedailyjeff (J) 

 

When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself. (Earl Nightingale).  "You're an idiot." (Judge Judy)  #thedailyjeff

 

Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.(An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then ask me why I'm not wearing pants. #thedailyjeff

 

I'm glad so many American children have smart phones since they don't have an education.  #thedailyjeff

 

Seriously, this is the last time I trust a baby with firearms.  #thedailyjeff

 

There needs to be a "Sorry I clogged your toilet" Hallmark card.  #thedailyjeff

 

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing. #thedailyjeff

  

With abs like his, are we certain Jesus didn’t just diet for our sins? That guy was ripped! #thedailyjeff

 

When someone tells me, "Great question." I never hear their answer because I'm busy congratulating myself for asking such a great question. #thedailyjeff

 

Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it bothers them!  Plus you'll have the secret satisfaction knowing that they will die someday.  #thedailyjeff

 

"When they say "word to the wise", what they really mean is "word to the not-so-wise." #thedailyjeff (J)

 

 

 

3  Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? #thedailyjeff (J)


3 If you're spending $10 on a single meal at Burger King, it might be time to step back and reevaluate your life. #thedailyjeff


3  If WebMD just diagnosed everything as hypochondria it would be 95% accurate. #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.” (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

3 day without sunshine is, like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)   #thedailyjeff


3 If one human year equals seven dog years, shouldn't we be singing happy birthday to them every 52 days?  #thedailyjeff  (J)


4 Now that I'm older, I'd kill to be grounded to my room for a week.  #thedailyjeff


2 Do mimes observe a moment of talking when someone passes away?   #thedailyjeff

 

1 Dyslexics are teople poo   #thedailyjeff

 

2 A sign in Luxor, Egypt."ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." --

 

2 "To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -- A sign in a Belgrade elevator.

 

2 A sign in a temple in China. "Please take one step forward and crap twice." --

 

2 A sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency "Take one of our horse driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages." --.   #thedailyjeff

 

2 "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." -- An English slogan used by Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux for an American advertising campaign.

 

 

3  Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff


3 Why does water that has "trickled through the mountains for centuries" have a "use by" date? #thedailyjeff

 

3 I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen) #thedailyjeff

 

2 I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.  Joe E. Lewis    #thedailyjeff

 

2 I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.  Paula Poundstone   #thedailyjeff

 

1 I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm certainly on my way. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

2 Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. (Bill Vaughan)    #thedailyjeff

 

2 My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.  ( Mitch Hedberg)    #thedailyjeff

 

2 My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.  (Spike Milligan)    #thedailyjeff

 

2 My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: “What are you looking at?” (Margaret Smith)    #thedailyjeff

 

3 Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.  (Robert Orben)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter #thedailyjeff

 

2 There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.  Josh Billings #thedailyjeff

 

1 There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James #thedailyjeff

 

2 There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.  Dennis Miller #thedailyjeff

 

1 We'll love you just the way you are…if you're perfect.  Alanis Morissette #thedailyjeff

  

3 Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. (Josh Billings) #thedailyjeff

 

3 When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I didn't mean alphabetically.  But I want the opposite when it comes to 'Age' and 'Beauty.'   #thedailyjeff (J)

 

3  I want to be known as the guy who is putting the laughter back into manslaughter. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

1 When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you. (An.) #thedailyjeff

  

2 I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

Without me, it's just aweso. #thedailyjeff

 

1 Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway? (An.) #thedailyjeff

  

2 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. I do a lot of research. #thedailyjeff

 

2 Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children. #thedailyjeff

 

3 Depression is just anger without enthusiasm. #thedailyjeff

 

2 Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?  #thedailyjeff

 

2 Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else. #thedailyjeff

 

2 The Vending Machine Theory: "Stuff tastes better when it falls".  #thedailyjeff

 

3 Coffee just isn't my cup of tea. #thedailyjeff

 

2 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

 

2 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

 

2 "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

 

3   "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

 

2 "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

 

2 "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

 

2 "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

 

2 "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

 

2 "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

 

3 "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.

 

2 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

 

3 Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.   -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

 

3 “I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”   -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

 

3 “The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history....We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.”  -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust

 

2 Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.   -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

 

2 “The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.”   -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

 

2 “I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.”  -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

 

2 “After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.”   -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

 

3 “The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.”   -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

 

3 "I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid." (P.J. O’Rourke)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 "The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."  (Thomas Szasz) #thedailyjeff

 

3 If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? #thedailyjeff

 

3 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?#thedailyjeff

 

2 Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it  #thedailyjeff

 

2 By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

4 I hate people who steal my ideas before I think of them.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 Some people never finish anythi.  #thedailyjeff

 

 2 If no one is perfect does that mean I do not exist? #thedailyjeff

 

If a #2 Pencil is so popular, then why is it still #2?  #thedailyjeff

             

I'm only in non-profits for the money.  #thedailyjeff

 

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.  #thedailyjeff

 

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. #thedailyjeff

 

There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened. Wait, there is one more type: Those that don't understand the other three.  #thedailyjeff

 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.  (George Carlin)  #thedailyjeff

 

 

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” (Bob Hope) #thedailyjeff

 

How do you explain to a job applicant that the job for "Proof Reader" has nothing to do with reading liquor bottles?  (J) #thedailyjeff

  

"Irony is wasted on the stupid” (Oscar Wilde)   #thedailyjeff

 

"Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks … do you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?” ― Bill Hicks,

 

When people say "How ya doin'?' I always think, what kind of a question is that?  And I always reply, 'A bit early to tell.'  (Christopher Hitchens)

  

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.  #thedailyjeff

 

Today is the day for decisive action! ... Or is it?  #thedailyjeff

 

I’ve decided that it's much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.  #thedailyjeff

  

I have a photogenic memory.  It looks better in low light or if you have bad eyesight.   #thedailyjeff

  

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them," because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. (An)  #thedailyjeff

 

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. #thedailyjeff

  

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?  #thedailyjeff

 

Stalkers are the opposite of playing hard to get.  They play hard to get… rid of. (Unknown)

 

If you can't beat them just rough them up a little. #thedailyjeff

 

3 People who eat natural foods still die of natural causes.  So what's the big deal?  (J) #thedailyjeff

 

3 Nothing is unpossible.  Really. #thedailyjeff

 

3 Crazy is a relative term in my family. (unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

1 Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. #thedailyjeff

 

3 Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. #thedailyjeff

 

2 Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.  #thedailyjeff

 

2 "They misunderestimated me!" -George W. Bush" #thedailyjeff

 

2 Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it. #thedailyjeff

 

 

2 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 "Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."  (Jerry Seinfeld) #thedailyjeff

 

3 Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

3  Books have knowledge + knowledge is power + power corrupts +  corruption is a crime + crime doesn't pay = keep reading & you'll go broke.  #thedailyjeff

 

2 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?  #thedailyjeff

 

3 Rule #1 for any message or idea:  You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother or a 5-year old. #thedailyjeff (J) 

  

1 Made up word of the day:  "Numbrella" meaning that everything said is completely uninformed.  Also related to "Dumbrella" where everything said is just stupid.  (J) #thedailyjeff

 

1 Made up word of the day:  "Nimbility" meaning the ability to be more nimble. (Thanks to Lori Witzel for her co-authorship on this one)  (J) #thedailyjeff

 

 

 

2 I hope life isn’t a joke, because so far I don’t get it.  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

3 I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.  #thedailyjeff

 

2 I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 Sometimes I wish life had subtitles in a large font so it is easier to read! #thedailyjeff

 

2 #thedailyjeff is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that Jeff may cause nausea, fatigue, kidney or liver problems, projectile vomiting and bleeding from the eyes and ears. If you read thedailyjeff for more than 4 hours, please consult your doctor.  Ask your doctor if #thedailyjeff is right for you.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single” #thedailyjeff

 

3  Are you an optimist?  I hope so.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 Gave a cashier my credit card and she said, “You need a picture ID.”  So I drew a picture on the back.  She said it wasn’t good enough.  I’m thinking, great, now I have to go to art school.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 "If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man." (Stephen Colbert) #thedailyjeff

 

:oscopy - How I abbreviate colonoscopy.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 I want to be as annoying as vegetarians but still eat meat.  So I'm telling people I only eat one kind of meat. So I'm calling myself a "Porker." (OK, maybe that doesn't so good) #thedailyjeff (J)  

 

1 Joke from a 5 year old:  Why do dinosaurs not talk?  Because they are dead. #thedailyjeff

 

3 There is a new app that tells a parent when a baby’s diaper is full.  Is that the true definition of crapware? #thedailyjeff

 

2 I don't get this whole thing about the Ozone layer.  If there is a hole in it, shouldn’t it let the hot air out? (Dennis Miller)  #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure words with no English equivalent

1. Shemomedjamo (Georgian) . This word means, “I accidentally ate the whole thing.”

2. Pelinti (Buli, Ghana)  it means “to move hot food around in your mouth.”

WORD WITH NO ENGLISH EQUIVLENT:

WORD WITH NO ENGLISH EQUIVLENT: Pålegg (Norwegian)  Leave it to my Norwegian ancestors to have a non-specific descriptor for anything that goes in a sandwich – ham, cheese, jam, Nutella, mustard, herring, pickles, Doritos, you name it.  In think in Texas we call this "fixuns"

7. Lagom (Swedish) This means something like, “Not too much, and not too little, but juuuuust right.”

8. Tartle (Scots) This is that panicky hesitation just before you have to introduce someone whose name you can’t quite remember.

9. Koi No Yokan (Japanese) The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love.

10. Mamihlapinatapai (Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego) This word captures that special look shared between two people, when both are wishing that the other would do something that they both want, but neither want to do.

11. Fremdschämen (German); Myötähäpeä (Finnish) This means something akin to “vicarious embarrassment.”

12. Cafune (Brazilian Portuguese) The Brazilian word for “tenderly running your fingers through your lover’s hair.”

13. Greng-jai (Thai) That feeling you get when you don’t want someone to do something for you because it would be a pain for them.

14. Kaelling (Danish) A word for that woman who stands on her doorstep (or in line at the supermarket, or at the park, or in a restaurant) cursing at her children

 

3 Watched the TV show "When Animals Attack." Should be more appropriately named "When Stupid People Get Killed"  #thedailyjeff (J)

 

1 You might think you are only average or medium, but at least at Starbucks you're GRANDE!  #thedailyjeff(J)

 

2 Cool word:  Disambiguation.  Don't know what it means, but sounds important. (J) (Actually means:  to establish a single semantic or grammatical interpretation for #thedailyjeff

 

3  Not sure who to believe.  They say in 50 years the world will be 2 degrees hotter.  But this is coming from the same guys that can't tell with accuracy if it is going to rain tomorrow. Thedailyjeff (J) #

 

3 “Was stopped for speeding and the cop said I was going 65mph.  I said that wasn't possible...I wasn't going to be out that long.”  (Stephen Wright) #thedailyjeff

 

1 If people fart in a baking soda factory, can you smell them? #thedailyjeff

 

1 Do midget strippers jump out of cupcakes? #thedailyjeff

 

2 Parents only have a limited amount of attention to give their kids.  That's why only children get so much, and the 15th kid is lucky if their parents remember their name. (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 The Jehovah's Witnesses banned trick or treating on Halloween.  Imagine...going door to door...you'd think they would be in favor of that because people will actually open the door. #thedailyjeff (J)

 

 

2 People who say "no regrets" just have too many regrets to keep track of. #thedailyjeff

  

1 Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient, and thus are incapable of feeling fear.  #thedailyjeff

 

 

 

3 Many nerds keep their head held high because they know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find them irresistible one day. #thedailyjeff(J)

 

3 When life gave them lemons, the people at Countrytime still decided to make artificial bullshit instead of actual lemonade. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

3 I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all. #thedailyjeff

 

2 If all else fails, pretend you don't speak English #thedailyjeff

 

 

 

2 "Oh is it by the Starbucks?" Dude... everything's by a Starbucks  #thedailyjeff

 

2 Remember when a TV remote had just three buttons:  On, channel and volume.  Now it’s more like a calculator for an honors trigonometry class. #thedailyjeff

 

1 Oozing with enthusing

 

1 Deleted the latest "60 Minutes" from my DVR and came to the horrible realization that I've become an erasist. (J) #thedailyjeff


2 Success means competition #thedailyjeff


3 An old pot is the best around the kitchen...not around the middle. (An.) #thedailyjeff


4 One must be available, alert, active, and adaptable.  #thedailyjeff


If you have many best friends, you have no friends.  (An.) #thedailyjeff


2 Concern yourself about others more than yourself (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

2 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.  (Clarence Darrow) #thedailyjeff

 

3 Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

3 As long as you try your best, you are a success. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

1 It is a sin to worry.  It’s a lack of trust in God.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

4 I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. (Thomas Jefferson) #thedailyjeff

 

2 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it (Oscar Wilde)  #thedailyjeff

 

2 God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh (Voltaire) #thedailyjeff

 

2 “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” (Winston Churchill) #thedailyjeff

 

3 Be careful what you choose. You may get it. (Colin Powell)  #thedailyjeff

 

 

3 Check small things. (Colin Powell) #thedailyjeff

 

2 Have a vision. Be demanding (Colin Powell) #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Sometimes being responsible means pissing people off.” (Colin Powell)  Jeff adds….But sometimes being irresponsible pisses people off more -- especially parents. #thedailyjeff

 

3 Don’t take counsel of your fears or naysayers. (Colin Powell)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 Don’t let adverse facts stand in the way of a good decision. (Colin Powell)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position fails, your ego goes with it. (Colin Powell) #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.” (Colin Powell) #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Coming together is the beginning.  Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.”  (Henry Ford) #thedailyjeff

 

 

1 Buy in haste, repent in leisure.  (Note, this is not a license for my family to go to the mall)  #thedailyjeff

   

 

3 They say guns don't kill people.  I say people with guns kill people with sticks.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 The LIKE tag for Facebook should be called "Sad truths about your life."  #thedailyjeff 

  

3 I went to a psychic and afterward she said, "Where's my money?"  I said, "You mean? You don't know?"  #thedailyjeff

 

3 Picasso said "We don't grow older, we grow riper."  I say some of us are already over-ripe. #thedailyjeff (J)

 

3 A smart man makes a mistake, learns from it, and never makes that mistake again. But a wise man finds a smart man and learns from him how to avoid the mistake altogether.  Roy H. Williams  (Jeff says, a lazy man just follows wise people around) #thedailyjeff

 

 

2 “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”  (Casey Stengel)

  

3 “Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”  (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

 

3 I created my own group and I'm rebelling against myself.  Damn you! #thedailyjeff

 

2 Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, "Dad's Third Wife Day."  (Jay Leno)   #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”  (Mark Twain)  #thedailyjeff

 

 

2 Someone recently said, "I never knowingly took steroids."  What the hell does that mean? I never knowingly performed brain surgery but I did wake up one morning in surgical scrubs. #thedailyjeff (J)

 

3 Just got a ride from a cab driver whose name sounded like throwing a bag of silverware down a flight of stairs.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 If someone steals your identity does that mean they have to also pay your student loans? (An)  #thedailyjeff

 

2 A co-worker told me he bought a truck that was painted in camouflage. He has been walking around the parking lot for three hours looking for it.   #thedailyjeff (J) 

 

3 What does it mean when you "wrap up loose ends?" Why are those ends allowed to roam free and not in some sort of cage or pen?  #thedailyjeff (J)  

 

2 Oklahoma Thunder & Miami Heat… Can’t tell if they are talking about a weather report or an NBA game.

 

2 Good times + Crazy friends + bad memory = Amazing memories. ♥   #thedailyjeff

 

2 Did you ever have that awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up? #thedailyjeff

 

2 Definition of “there’s no food in the house.” = “We’re out of food that I would actually eat.” #thedailyjeff

 

Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.  This post ends when…..  #thedailyjeff

 

 

3 I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym… Now this whole work-out was a waste of time. #thedailyjeff

 

3 Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably crap. (Unknown)

 

3 Have you ever had a moment when you say “What?” but then one second later realize what they said? Thedailyjeff

 

3 I’ve just realized that Facebook really is just a place to create and run your own webpage except someone else makes all of the money off of it. #thedailyjeff

 

3 Studies show that most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life. You’re welcome.  #thedailyjeff

 

2 Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right? #thedailyjeff

 

3 Seals are just mermaid's dogs, right? (An) #thedailyjeff

 

3 Ever have a moment when no one else is laughing, except for you, and you can’t stop?   #thedailyjeff

 

2 My wallet is like an onion. When I open it…it makes me cry. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

3 Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.  #thedailyjeff

 

2 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

3 I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.  #thedailyjeff

 

 2 By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

 1 Some people are like Slinkys … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you push one down the stairs.  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

3 I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.  #thedailyjeff (J)  

 

2 Eat right, exercise, die anyway.   #thedailyjeff

 

2 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

3 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. #thedailyjeff

 

There is a great need for sarcasm font, just for the people who don’t get sarcasm.   #thedailyjeff

 

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff 

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !! (Unknown) #thedailyjeff 

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes and those two cockroaches?  #thedailyjeff (J)   

Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters! #thedailyjeff 

Got a new boat.  I think an anchor baby would be a lot cuter than a regular anchor and still keep it from floating away. (J) #thedailyjeff 

I tried to share a meal with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench. He told me to get lost and buy my own. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

They just re-released the Titanic movie.  I’m betting that this time they will actually avoid the iceberg, right?   #thedailyjeff

You always think the pen is mightier than the sword until you get stabbed by one. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 If you are against picketing, how do you show it? #thedailyjeff


When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to freak out future archaeologists.  #thedailyjeff 

If black is so slimming, how come so many Black people look fat?  I would think that yellow is more slimming...just look at how skinny Asian people look.  #thedailyjeff

 

Some people are like those big orange traffic cones.  You see them...you know there is danger somewhere, but you're not sure where.  #thedailyjeff (J)  

 

As a "color-challenged American," I've been trying to come up with a term for color-sighted people and non-color-sighted people.  So I've settled on "Coloreds" for the former, and "Blacks" for the latter. Does that sound bad?  #thedailyjeff

 

In California you are required to give a thumb print for your driver's license. If you don't have a thumb they actually have a law that says you can use another finger.  In Texas we'll just GIVE you a finger.  (J) #thedailyjeff 

Can you be more or less specific? #thedailyjeff

 

They say that pirates used to mistake Manatees for mermaids.  I guess after being a sea for that long, you'll jump on anything that doesn't bite. (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

 

I hate being bipolar.  It's awesome.  #thedailyjeff

 

The bags under my eyes are now big enough that I can store things in them...my keys, lunch, a USB thumb drive… #thedailyjeff 

She says, "I have a headache."  He says, "That's OK, I wasn't interested in that end anyway."  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff 

MAKE A NEW ONE FOR THESE

Women that have "Juicy" on their butts

Tattoos in Chinese symbolizing mankind's oneness with nature

 

Sharing my lollypop with a hobo.   Is that wrong?    #thedailyjeff

 Success demands singleness of purpose. -Vince Lombardi #thedalyjeff 

No one can defeat us unless we first defeat ourselves. -Dwight Eisenhower #thedailyjeff 

Tweet from a woman:  Dear thighs, help out the needy. Sincerely, boobs. #thedailyjeff 

A cop pulled me over and said, 'Papers...' So I said, 'Scissors, I win!' and drove off like a boss!  #thedailyjeff 

Sign from a creative homeless guy:  "Will show ankle for 5 minutes of wireless"   #thedailyjeff 

I seriously doubt that fish are Catholic.  You know, the whole loaves and fishes thing… #thedailyjeff (J) 

Decided to live every day like I’m dying. Today’s first order of business: cough up blood. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff 

You know those big fish tanks in restaurants?  Do you think the fish are judging you when you get the seafood platter?  I hate those judgmental condescending faces they make.  #thedailyjeff (J) 

"Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains.  A pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a blood stain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." (Jerry Seinfeld)  #thedailyjeff 

"The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt." (Seinfeld) 

"I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch." (Seinfeld) #thedailyjeff 

"Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us." (Seinfeld)  #thedailyjeff 

"I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"" (Seinfeld)  #thedailyjeff 

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he/she can tell when he/she really in trouble. #thedailyjeff 

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff 

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.  #thedailyjeff 

You're never too old to learn something stupid.  #thedailyjeff 

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff 

Consistency is the final refuge of the unimaginative. (An.)   #thedailyjeff 

The only substitute for poor manners is fast reflexes.  #thedailyjeff 

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.  (An.) #thedailyjeff 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?  #thedailyjeff  

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. #thedailyjeff

Remember half the people you know are below average.  Kind of makes you feel better, doesn't it?  #thedailyjeff 

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. (An.)  #thedailyjeff  

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.  #thedailyjeff 

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.  #thedailyjeff

“Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Danny Ozark, Phillies manager  #thedailyjeff  

"I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized that I didn't understand she had to explain: 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood." – Brooke Shields [Us too, but our mother’s measures in bicycles.]  #thedailyjeff 

"My urine? Describe my urine in five words? I don't think I can do it in five. Oh --- my year!" - Eva Longoria, actress, when asked to describe her year in five words, she heard urine in five words.  #thedailyjeff 

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I'm still alive.’ But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." - California Senator Barbara Boxer.  #thedailyjeff 

"Lindsay will always keep growing. She'll do a film and get an Academy Award, and no one will remember her boobs." - Lindsay Lohan's mother  #thedailyjeff 

"If I die before my cat, I want a little of my ashes put in his food so I can live inside him." – Drew Barrymore, actress 

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman." (Arnold Schwarzenegger)  

"I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time.” - Mariah Carey, singer, on hearing of the death of King of Jordan  #thedailyjeff 

"This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new Thomas Jefferson. Well let me tell you something; I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine and Governor... You're no Thomas Jefferson!"  Ronald Regan  #thedailyjeff 

I don't want to brag about my reading but I finished another coloring book this week.  #thedailyjeff 

If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??  You're welcome….#thedailyjeff 

Last time I went through Canadian customs and they asked me if I had anything to declare, I said, "You guys make great maple syrup!"  #thedailyjeff

Your secrets are safe with me.. I wasn't even listening to you.  #thedailyjeff 

Based on pickup truck commercials, I really should be getting into the crumbled rock industry.  #thedailyjeff 

When an ad says critics are "raving" over a movie, I picture them all in a dark warehouse twirling glowsticks & giving each other back rubs.  #thedailyjeff 

A complete list of movie roles turned down by Nicolas Cage: (@badbanana)    #thedailyjeff
I bet college professors never get tired of watching freshmen get fat. I know I wouldn't. (JennyJohnsonHi5)   #thedailyjeff

I read an article about how much college will cost in 20 years.  So start scraping some paint chips off the house for your kids to snack on.   #thedailyjeff

 Whoever said nothing was impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree. (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

Some people should use a glue stick instead of Chapstick.  #thedailyjeff

 Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.   #thedailyjeff

 I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told you drink too much by a room full of the reasons you drink in the first place?  #thedailyjeff

 

There are two rules for success.... 1) Never reveal everything you know. And 2)...    #thedailyjeff

 Note to vegetarians: My food beats the crap out of your food. Enjoy that salad!  #thedailyjeff


I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
   #thedailyjeff

 What I hate about politics:  Magnifying some obscure point 1000 times;  showing outrage over a decision or action made in good faith by the other guy, party lines at the expense of reason, negative campaign ads about the opposition rather than ads saying what the candidate is for, super packs, super packs, super pacs, and the general public's inability to see reason in the midst of it all.  #thedailyjeff

 What does the phrase "That takes the cake" really mean? I just want you to know that if you take MY cake you’re in for a beating. #thedailyjeff (J)

Did you ever consider that watching a football game on TV while wearing the jersey of your favorite team is like watching Grey's Anatomy in scrubs?  When you think about it that way they both sound kind of dumb. (Whitney Cummings)   #thedailyjeff

Botox is amazing. You never age, yet you are incapable of expressing emotions while still appearing both constantly surprised and completely lifeless.  #thedailyjeff

Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.  #thedailyjeff

 If your goal is to fail and you succeed, what have you really accomplished?  #thedailyjeff 

Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike… (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

When I was a teenager my parents felt the best way to keep me from sex and drugs was to make sure I was a member of the Pythagoras Club.  That pretty much GUARANTEED abstinence whether I wanted it or not.  #thedailyjeff

 “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.  They must be felt with the heart.” Helen Keller  #thedailyjeff

 “I never knew Scotty on Star Trek was Scottish.  I thought he was a Pakistani that had a stroke.” (Craig Ferguson) #thedailyjeff

Dentists tell us that we should never use sharp metal objects to pick our teeth, yet when we get are teeth cleaned what do they use? A sharp metal hook. (Bill Cosby) #thedailyjeff

 That awkward moment is when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you. #thedailyjeff

In retrospect, how could we have taken that Mayan end of the world thing seriously? They couldn’t predict the Spanish coming, so how could they predict the end of the world?  #thedailyjeff

 It is a pity that General Patreus had to resign because of that affair.  It is clear that he was the first general that was more interested in his privates than anything else.  #thedailyjeff

 I can move things with my mind (but only if I use my hands too) #thedailyjeff

 

Weird job interview questions

“If you were to get rid of one state in the US, which would it be and why?”

“How many cows are in Canada?”

“How many quarters would you need to reach the height of the Empire State building?” 

“A penguin walks through that door right now wearing a sombrero.  What does he say and why is he here?”

“What songs best describes your work ethic?”

“What do you think about when you are alone in your car?”

“Name 3 previous Nobel Prize Winners.”

“Can you say: ‘Peter Pepper Picked a Pickled Pepper’ and cross-sell a washing machine at the same time?”

“How would people communicate in a perfect world?”

 “Estimate how many windows are in New York.”

“What’s your favorite song?  Perform it for us now.”

“Calculate the angle of two clock pointers when time is 11:50.”

“Pick two celebrities to be your parents.”

“What kitchen utensil would you be?”

 

I think that if I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude… and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi #thedailyjeff.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just one mood swing away from getting my own padded room with a hug-yourself jacket. #thedailyjeff

I think fire alarms should use the last of their battery to continue to monitor fire instead of getting all beepy. #thedailyjeff

 Have you ever thought of deliberately running into a car with a "Coexist" bumper sticker just to test their tolerance?  Discuss….#thedailyjeff

I'm seriously disappointed the debate hasn't touched on the bacon shortage…  #thedailyjeff

 They told me I was gullible and I believed them. #thedailyjeff

 

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 They say "Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again."  Still, when we trip on an imaginary blade of grass in front of 100 people we're embarrassed anyway.  #thedailyjeff  (J)

 If you try to hang yourself, don't use a bungee cord. You'll be right on the verge of dying over and over again. #thedailyjeff

 There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. (An)  #thedailyjeff

 Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 According to Wikipedia, in 2010 (the latest year reported) 30,470 people died that year in the USA from firearms.  Of those, 19,392 (64%) were suicides.

 I like my women the same way I like my beer, cold and in a plastic cup. (Not sure what this means but sounds funny) (J) #thedailyjeff

 I was thinking about Mad Cow Disease.  I wasn't even aware cows had feelings. #thedailyjeff

 Ever consider the irony of the announcement on an airplane to handicapped passengers?  "For our passengers requiring wheelchair assistance, please stay in your seat."   I'm thinking, if you need a wheelchair, isn't it pretty much a foregone conclusion that you'll be in your seat?  #thedailyjeff (J)

 "Celebrate what you accomplish but also raise the bar a little higher each time you succeed." Mia Hamm #thedailyjeff

 "The great arrogance of the present is to forget the intelligence of the past." (Ken Burns)  Jeff adds...and we're just arrogant to believe that those in the past were not ALSO arrogant.  What this means is that all history is a lie. #thedailyjeff

 “The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them.” (Denis Watley) #thedailyjeff

 Subway is getting a bad rap that their foot long sandwiches are actually less than 12 inches long.  Come on, it was a cold day… #thedailyjeff

 2 The original Murphy's Law was "If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it." The law's author was Edward A. Murphy, Jr., a U.S. Air Force engineer, who, in 1947, was involved in a rocket-sled experiment in which all 16 accelerator instruments were installed in the wrong way, resulting in Murphy's observation. Murphy's Law is sometimes expressed as "Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment." #thedailyjeff

 

 

"I don't tolerate fools, and they don't tolerate me." (Maggie Smith) #thedailyjeff

They just found King Richard the 3rd buried in a parking lot in London.  I'm convinced he didn't die in battle...he just got lost looking for his horse.  You know, "I could have sworn that I came here on a blue horse, but they all look so much alike…."  #thedailyjeff 

 What would Jesus drive?  A Honda.  Acts 2:1  "They were all with one accord"  (George Wallace) #thedailyjeff

 We need to designate water as a hazardous substance that should be controlled.  Think about it, water has been there at EVERY boating accident and drowning. #thedailyjeff

 Don't think of it as a "Straight Jacket."  Think of it as a "I'm loving myself with hugs" jacket.  #thedailyjeff

“The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides.” (Henri-Frédéric Amiel). #thedailyjeff

"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." (Peace Pilgrim)    #thedailyjeff

"It is only those who never do anything who never make mistakes." (A. Favre)    #thedailyjeff

"There's always room for improvement, it's the biggest room in the house." — (Louise Heath Leber)   #thedailyjeff

There's no next time. It's now or never.   #thedailyjeff

Buddha said "The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help you are freed." I'm thinking Buddha kicks butt!#thedailyjeff

“To create more positive results in your life, replace 'if only' with 'next time'." (An) #thedailyjeff

 "I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." (Maya Angelou) #thedailyjeff

 "Believe you are defeated, believe it long enough, and it is likely to become a fact" (Norman Vincent Peale)   #thedailyjeff

 "Every man has a right to be wrong in his opinions. But no man has a right to be wrong in his facts." (Bernard Baruch) #thedailyjeff

 Benjamin Franklin said "There never was a good war or a bad peace."  Jeff adds "...except when it comes to a piece of cake.  Then it is always good.  #thedailyjeff (J)

 "Love is a game that two can play and both win." (Eva Gabor)  Jeff adds… or you both could lose….so be careful.  #thedailyjeff

 "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." (Mother Teresa)

 "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." (Thomas A. Edison) #thedailyjeff

 "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." (Franklin D. Roosevelt) #thedailyjeff

 "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket." (Will Rogers) #thedailyjeff

 "I guess we all like to be recognized not for one piece of fireworks, but for the ledger of our daily work." — Neil Armstrong #thedailyjeff

 "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." — George Bernard Shaw #thedailyjeff

 Reinhold Niebuhr said "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."   I have no idea what this means but I refuse to believe that I can't change it, and want it changed now! #thedailyjeff

A life lived without failure is not success, it's mediocrity. (Thanks to Erin Nelson)  Jeff adds, if however your goal is mediocrity then you didn't fail, right?  #thedailyjeff

A series of haikus 

short Japanese poem: 

a form of Japanese poetry with 17 syllables in three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, often describing nature or a season

There are so many of those reality shows, why not start combining.  My idea:  Hillbilly Catfish Hospital.  Imagine the hijinks of uneducated, toothless people performing complex brain surgery on catfish.

History is just the behind of the present. (J) #thedailyjeff

“The art of making art is putting it together.”  (Stephen Sondheim)  #thedailyjeff

I don't understand the term "Legally drink."  But if it is legal, what's the problem? (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.  (Unknown)

Picking a new Pope is like the Heisman Trophy #thedailyjeff

Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.  #thedailyjeff

If there were three words to describe me it would be "I suck at math"   #thedailyjeff

On chilly nights the Amish use acoustic blankets.   #thedailyjeff

Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?   #thedailyjeff (J)

Man, those 2013 Mayan Calendars are REALLY hard to find...   #thedailyjeff

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself….and spiders. #thedailyjeff

 

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative. (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

So, who is the genius that thought it would be wise to put the back-pain meds on the bottom shelf at Wal-Mart? #thedailyjeff

Classified ad:  Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.  #thedailyjeff

Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game. (Michael Jordan) #thedailyjeff

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)   #thedailyjeff

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for spare parts. (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… He said, “No habla Engles.” (Ronnie Shakes) #thedailyjeff

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens. #thedailyjeff

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. #thedailyjeff

When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly. #thedailyjeff

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.   #thedailyjeff

Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.   #thedailyjeff

You can observe a lot just by watching. (Yogi Berra)  #thedailyjeff

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. #thedailyjeff

You will be a winner today. Just pick a fight with a four-year-old.   #thedailyjeff

A champion is someone who does not settle for that day's practice, that day's competition, that day's performance. They are always striving to be better. They don't live in the past. (Olympic goalkeeper Briana Scurry) #thedailyjeff

The vision of a champion is someone who is bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion, when no one else is watching.   Anson Dorrance #thedailyjeff

Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do. (Pele) #thedailyjeff 

“If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 "Losers live in the past. Winners learn from the past and enjoy working in the present toward the future." (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

"Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

"Don't ever get tired until you make the last attempt. Don't ever make the last attempt until you are successful." (Unknown)

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. #thedailyjeff

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. #thedailyjeff

I always take life with a grain of salt...plus a slice of lemon...and a shot of tequila. #thedailyjeff

Telling someone their breath smells without hurting their feelings...'Well I'm bored, let's go brush our teeth!'#thedailyjeff

Say this out loud five times fast! 'I won a math debate.' #thedailyjeff

These animal crackers are bullshit. This elephant tastes exactly like the giraffe did.   #thedailyjeff

It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.   #thedailyjeff

Was listening to two old people complaining about terrorists.  One referred to them as "those damn Isranians (pronounced Izranians)." Not only did they get two countries mixed up but there could not be two more different cultures.  Those wacky seniors…..#thedailyjeff

Never eat cured meats.  You have no idea what they had before they were cured.   #thedailyjeff

If State Farm were such a good neighbor they’d come over and pick up all the dog poop in my yard. #thedailyjeff

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill. #thedailyjeff

FYI it turns out you CAN get kicked out of Jimmy John's for calling the sprouts "vegetable sperms."  Live and learn I guess

If Einstein were alive, he would listen to 10 minutes of scientific breakthroughs before asking you to describe free online porn again.    #thedailyjeff

When a bird poops on you, it’s also peeing on you, because they do both at the same time. So remember: you’re a TOTAL bird toilet. #thedailyjeff

Somehow women make a new friend every week while guys just know the same six people their entire lives.  Why? #thedailyjeff

A good way to meet a lot of cops is to put a "Baby On Board" sticker on a picnic basket tied to a motorcycle #thedailyjeff

Just realized what this vegetarian chicken and rice casserole is made of… Rice. #thedailyjeff

"Count your blessings. Then count them again exactly three more times." - OCD optimist.  #thedailyjeff

 

Are people in culinary school required to do dessertations?  #thedailyjeff

Hey, nice Crocs," said nobody ever. #thedailyjeff

Quality means doing it right when no one is looking.  Henry Ford   #thedailyjeff

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.  Henry Ford   #thedailyjeff

When I can't handle events, I let them handle themselves.  (Henry Ford)    #thedailyjeff

The bad news is that time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.  (Michael Altshuler).  Jeff adds, the really bad news is that if you suck as a pilot you're screwed.   #thedailyjeff

 

 3 Here is an irony.  It is a felony to live and work in Mexico - and most other countries - if you are there illegally.  The penalty is immediate deportation.  But in the USA…...  #thedailyjeff

 

Wednesday, I know you’re not Monday, but you still kinda suck. #thedailyjeff

The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service. #thedailyjeff

If you always do what you have always done, then you will get what you have always got. #thedailyjeff

I email you because you make social interaction awkward. #thedailyjeff

I propose we add a new day to the week and call it “Someday,” just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on it. #thedailyjeff

You’re only as cool as your nickname.  Mine is Boney Ass Jones, what's yours? #thedailyjeff

How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?    #thedailyjeff

Here's an idea…Fight club except naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted, glorious naps.  #thedailyjeff

I don't have a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 of them are cops.   #thedailyjeff

Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you're not hungry.  #thedailyjeff

Sence is the sense most tied to perception. "Common" is the sense least tied to people. #thedailyjeff

Why is it called lukewarm? Why isn’t it just medium warm?  I know Luke and he is not warm.  #thedailyjeff

Not to brag but I didn't need to be rich and famous to have ego problems and make terrible personal decisions.   #thedailyjeff

I love how the word "liaison" is now used as a verb.  Just got an email saying someone will be "liaising" with another.  #thedailyjeff

OK, I'm putting it out there.  My pin number is the last 4 digits of Pi. #thedailyjeff

 I finally stopped fighting my inner demons.  We're all on the same side now. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupid. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.   #thedailyjeff

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ― Benjamin Franklin (Jeff adds…want me to care and I check out) #thedailyjeff

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public #thedailyjeff

 

My favorite kind of people -- People who laugh so hard at their own jokes that they can’t even finish the joke because they’re laughing so hard and snot is coming out of their nose.  #thedailyjeff

My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep. #thedailyjeff

Old couples make you realize someone can love you forever. #thedailyjeff

Know where literally ALL of the Crocs and track suits went?  Beijing!  #thedailyjeff

“ Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. ” (Samuel Palmer)   #thedailyjeff

Research shows that smart people tend to gravitate toward challenging tasks.

Feeling old?  Try going to the movies at 2pm on a Friday afternoon.  Median age:  75.  Challenge:  Must go to the bathroom twice during the show.  Worries:  If they'll make it to Luby's by 4:30 to get the Luanne Platter special.  Exclamation point:  Can't figure out how to open the exit door. (J)  #thedailyjeff 

Why aren't boner pills called "Addcock?"   #thedailyjeff

If you wait to do everything until you are sure it’s right, you will probably never do much of anything.  #thedailyjeff

In order to succeed, your desire for success must be greater than your fear of failure. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

3 things I want in a relationship: Eyes that won't cry, lips than won’t lie, and love that won't die.   #thedailyjeff 

Our friends fall, we laugh. But when our phones fall, we panic….Explain  #thedailyjeff

 

Don't leave something good to see if you can find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best found better.  #thedailyjeff

 

“No man is happy unless he believes he is.”(Publilius Syrus)   #thedailyjeff

When a group of mobile application developers go out to a bar to drink is it called  "Appy Hour"?    #thedailyjeff

“Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” (Robert H. Schuller) #thedailyjeff

“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.”  (Indira Gandhi) #thedailyjeff

Sign at a plastic surgery center:  "We'll help you pick your nose"   #thedailyjeff

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. (Bill Watterson)   #thedailyjeff

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.  (P. D. East)   #thedailyjeff

Crying doesn't help anything. Try your luck with violent mood swings.  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. (Christopher Sherwood)   #thedailyjeff

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.”  (Chris Rock)   #thedailyjeff

Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart. (Ross Perot)   #thedailyjeff

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. (Kathleen Norris)   #thedailyjeff

Life is wasted on the living. Douglas Adams   #thedailyjeff

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. (Woody Allen)   #thedailyjeff

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.(Woody Allen)   #thedailyjeff

The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.   #thedailyjeff

The hardest part of a business, is minding your own. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?    #thedailyjeff

If you never want to do something you'll regret, either don't do it or have a really bad memory.    #thedailyjeff

Just when I think I'm over my insomnia the car behind me honks.    #thedailyjeff


Two concepts for a happy life:  Use things, not people.  And love people, not things (Thanks to Lori White Sterrett) #thedailyjeff

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.  #thedailyjeff

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; and optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.  Winston Churchill

People always call it luck when you've acted more sensibly then they have. (Anne Tyler)   #thedailyjeff

"Hard times are like a washing machine, they twist, turn and knock us around, but in the end we come out cleaner, brighter and better than before" (Belen)

There is no such thing as a self-made man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.  (George Matthew Adams)  #thedailyjeff

‘The penalty of success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.” (Lady Nancy Astor)  #thedailyjeff

“The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success. Talent is only a starting point in business. You've got to keep working that talent.”  (Irving Berlin)  #thedailyjeff

Never mind what others do; do better than yourself, beat your own record from day to day, and you are a success.  (William J.H. Boetcker)  #thedailyjeff

The superior man makes the difficulty to be overcome his first interest; success comes only later. (Confucius)  #thedailyjeff

A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows. (St. Francis of Assisi)  #thedailyjeff

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which one you need more. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Think about it...Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.   #thedailyjeff

If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?   #thedailyjeff

So, when is the wizard getting back to you with the brain. #thedailyjeff

Wherever smart people work, doors are unlocked. --- (Steve Wozniak) #thedailyjeff

The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open.  (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

A wise person does at once what a fool does at last. Both do the same thing; only at different times. (Baltasar Gracian) #thedailyjeff

Love the one who hates you, but never hate the one who loves you. (An.) #thedailyjeff

All unhappiness is caused by comparison.  So stop comparing already and just live YOUR life!   #thedailyjeff

Old age is always 15 years older than I am.  #thedailyjeff

Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.

Virtue is simply happiness, and happiness is a by-product of function. You are happy when you are functioning. (William Borroughs) #thedailyjeff

Success isn't about whether you do or don't have resources, it’s about whether you have resourcefulness.

The past doesn't define your future. (Tony Robbins)  #thedailyjefff

Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

It is not in doing what you like, but in liking what you do that is the secret of happiness. (James M. Barrie)  #thedailyjeff

Money doesn’t always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars. (Hobart Brown)  #thedailyjeff

To be happy, you must learn to forget yourself. (Edward Bulwer-Lytton) #thedailyjeff

All who would win joy must share it; happiness was born a twin. (Lord Byron)  #thedailyjeff

Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure. (Amos Bronson Alcott)  #thedailyjeff

If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay up on the porch. (An.) #thedailyjeff

“Before you can write a check, you must first make out a deposit slip; before you can draw money out of a bank, you must put money into a bank; before you are entitled to a living, you must give the world a life; if you want to make a first-class living, learn to give the world a first-class life.” (William J.H. Boetcker)  #thedailyjeff

“Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things, in which smiles and kindnesses, and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort.” (Sir Humphry Davy)  #thedailyjeff

There just isn’t a good reason for a man to look into a woman’s purse…ever. #thedailyjeff

Just heard someone referred to as a "man's man." Does that mean he is the pet of another man? #thedailyjeff

If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s jealous. If a little kid says you’re ugly, then you’re ugly.  #thedailyjeff

Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs in the US keep stealing all our Mexicаns!"  #thedailyjeff

When I wrap gifts myself, I tell everyone a child did it so it's adorable instead of pathetic.   #thedailyjeff

I don't always find a TV show I like on Netflix, but when I do, I watch all 7 seasons in 5 days. #thedailyjeff

There is always a little truth behind every “Just kidding” A little knowledge behind “I don't know” A Little emotion behind “I don’t care.” (An.) #thedailyjeff

Live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back. (An.)   #thedailyjeff

I've met too many people to still call it "common sense."   #thedailyjeff

The only lies that hurt you are the ones you tell yourself.  (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

Yes, the past can hurt but the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it.  #thedailyjeff

I'd rather be hurt by the truth than protected by a lie.  #thedailyjeff

"Being stuck in traffic is like having diarrhea. When you have it it's all you can think about. but others don’t seem to care."  (Luke Burbank) #thedailyjeff

Sent an email asking my mom to perform a "Disk cleanup" on her PC, but accidently replaced the "S" with a "C."  Awkward.

If only…”  These two words paired together create one of the saddest phrases in the English language. (An.)

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer. Step 2: Print a 3D printer. Step 3: Return the 3D printer.    #thedailyjeff

Leonard: (To Sheldon) Sometimes your movements are so life like I forget you are not a real boy.

True happiness is growing accustom to your misery.  (An)   #thedailyjeff

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."  (Leo Tolstoy)  #thedailyjeff

Stop worrying about what you have to lose, and start focusing on what you have to gain. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Never be afraid to show who you are because as long as you are happy with yourself no one else's opinion matters. (an.) #thedailyjeff

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”  (Abraham Lincoln)  #thedailyjeff

I'm so happy because today I found my friends - they're in my head.  (Kurt Cobain)  #thedailyjeff

If the going is real easy, beware, you may be headed downhill. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Every day thousands of innocent plants are slaughtered by vegetarians.  Help stop the violence!  Eat bacon! (An.) #thedailyjeff

Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Don’t jump to confusions. #thedailyjeff

On those automated phone menus, why do they say “press one for English?” If you don’t understand English you’re not going to know, right?  #thedailyjeff (J)

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Except for bears.  They'll kill you. #thedailyjeff

I love cats but I can never eat a whole one. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Back in my day, we had NINE planets.  #thedailyjeff

If life gives you melons you just might be dyslexic.  #thedailyjeff

I have no patience for impatient people.  #thedailyjeff

Saw this in a t-shirt:  "I survived the Mayan Apocalypse.  December 21, 2012"  (J) #thedailyjeff

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity. (Sounds like Steve Martin)  #thedailyjeff

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions #thedailyjeff

At wedding is old people always poke someone and say "You're Next". So I started doing the same to them at funerals. (Anon).  #thedailyjeff

Life tip #6: Don’t try to rollerblade on a treadmill. Trust me on this one.  #thedailyjeff

Hobo fighting + Pay per view = A lot less homelessness #thedailyjeff

I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.    #thedailyjeff

What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?    #thedailyjeff

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us French fries, potato chips, and vodka. Other vegetables should take notes.    #thedailyjeff

Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef?     #thedailyjeff

If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.    #thedailyjeff

Patted myself on the back when a friend said a project I was working on was "artistic" until I realized he actually said "autistic." #thedailyjeff (J)

There is an emerging term used in technology called "single version of truth."  It applies to the data that employees use -- one set of data that everyone can access, where there are no other versions or options.  It kind of is the same with life.   There is one single version of truth -- things are either true or not, correct or not, right or wrong.  The question is, do you have it? (J)  #thedailyjeff

Why do cats wear bells around their neck?  To also annoy the blind. (Alonzo Bodden)

I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments. I just couldn't live with myself.   #thedailyjeff

The dreamers are the saviors of the world.  -- James Allen

I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.  (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. Mark Twain

I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.  #thedailyjeff

They say "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." Jeff adds...Nuns must be really excellent. #thedailyjeff

Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.  (Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

They say "Judge a person by his/her questions rather than by his/her answers." So question carefully my friend.  #thedailyjeff

Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can. (Richard Bach)  #thedailyjeff

Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, soda bottles, empty tins, paper plates. Yea, that's right! I'm talking trash!!!!!!!!!! #thedailyjeff

I bet crocodiles are pissed off that "crocs" no longer stands for "gigantic vicious reptiles," but now means "crappy shoe."  #thedailyjeff

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”   (Ellen DeGeneres) #thedailyjeff

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. (George Carlin)  #thedailyjeff

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? #thedailyjeff

The older you get, the better you realize you were

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. (Don't know where I found this, but it can't possibly be true.)  #thedailyjeff

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. (Steven Wright)   #thedailyjeff

Buy in haste, repent in leisure.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

They say "What the mind can conceive, it can achieve. We become what we think about."  OK, I'm thinking of making millions of dollars by being a professional wolverine wrestler.  Where's the money? #thedailyjeff

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." (Pablo Picasso)  #thedailyjeff

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.  (Rodney Dangerfield)  #thedailyjeff

It is not crazy when you talk to yourself.  It is, however, if you answer and carry on a long debate. #thedailyjeff

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

"I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today." (William White) #thedailyjeff

On chilly nights do the Amish use acoustic blankets?  (An.) #thedailyjeff

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

“All good athletes make mistakes; the great ones learn to make that mistake only once.”  (Raul Lopez) Jeff adds, …it’s the same with life…#thedailyjeff

“Failure happens all the time. It happens every day in practice. What makes you better is how you react to it.” (Mia Hamm)  #thedailyjeff

I was behind a lady in the pharmacy checkout line who was buying potato chips and cookies (no prescriptions).  The cashier absentmindedly asked "Do you need to talk with a pharmacist?"  I'm thinking, heck yes. She definitely needs some advice.  #thedailyjeff

Whole Foods mixed up the labels on regular & vegan chicken salads. Vegans became suspicious when they experienced a fleeting moment of joy. #thedailyjeff

Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement. Henry Ford #thedailyjeff

I start each day torn between wanting to change the day and wanting to enjoy it. They seem to be mutually exclusive.  #thedailyjeff

Remember the 5-year business plan?  Now it is the 5 minute plan, and it is out of date before you actually create it. #thedailyjeff

"The world does not deliver meaning to you.  You have to make it meaningful...and decide what you want and need and must do."  (Zadie Smith)    #thedailyjeff

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."  (Jerry Seinfeld)   #thedailyjeff

 

"People say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I say the most liberating thing is realizing that you are the beholder."  (Salma Hayek)   #thedailyjeff

 

Never ignore a gut feeling, but never believe that it is enough.  (Robert Heller)   #thedailyjeff

 

“It is not about doing what you like, but liking what you do that is the secret of happiness.”  (James M. Barrie)  #thedailyjeff

  

Well done is better than well said.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. (Oscar Wilde) #thedailyjeff

 

It’s not about whether or don't you have resources, it’s about whether you have resourcefulness.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Every person begins life intending to create their story of life.  Work today to make sure your actual one is as good as the story you dreamed about.   (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

“Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is only by spending oneself that one becomes rich.” (Sarah Bernhardt)  #thedailyjeff

 

Stop worrying about what you have to lose, and start focusing on what you have to gain.   (An.) #thedailyjeff

  

"Age is just a number, totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine." (Joan Collins)  #thedailyjeff

 

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."- (Douglas Adams) #thedailyjeff

 

For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here". (Ashleigh Brilliant) #thedailyjeff

 

“The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine.”  Abraham Lincoln (Thanks to Marty Howard) #thedailyjeff

 

Eschew Obfuscation, Espouse Elucidation.   #thedailyjeff

 

Legendary NPR broadcaster Carl Castle:  "If I've learned one thing in my many years of broadcasting it's this...chicks dig fart jokes." #thedailyjeff

 

Enjoy yourself.  Everybody else is already taken.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Everyone is entitled to his or her own incorrect opinion.  #thedailyjeff

  

Whenever you find whole world against you just turn around and lead the world.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

“Do not wait to strike ‘till the iron is hot, but make it hot by striking.” (William B. Sprague) #thedailyjeff

  

Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?   (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

"If you pick up any random object in the United States, there's a good chance it's butter." (Stephen Colbert) #thedailyjeff

 

I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have a problem with.   (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.  #thedailyjeff

 

Why does bottled water that has "trickled through the mountains for centuries" have a "use by" date? #thedailyjeff

  

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.   (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

“I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.”  (Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries) #thedailyjeff

   

Of course I'm in shape. Isn't round a shape? #thedailyjeff

 

Who gossips with you will gossip of youIrish Saying  #thedailyjeff

 

"It isn't hard to be good from time to time in sports. What's tough is being good every day." (Willie Mays) #thedailyjeff

 

"Labor day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China”― David Letterman  #thedailyjeff

 

I finally found a diet plan that works. It’s called “The cost of food”. #thedailyjeff

 

What happened to salads?  They used to be made out of lettuce.  Now they come with a steak, Pine Nuts, pan seared tomatoes, and lots of other stuff.  #thedailyjeff

   

Be obscure clearly.  (E. B. White)  #thedailyjeff

 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. (Erica Jong)  #thedailyjeff

  

Parables or pair of balls

 

Was in a Mexican food restaurant in Waxahachie Texas, or Wackhachee or whatever it is called and asked the guy at the counter how to pronounce it.  Very slowly he said "Taco Bell."  #thedailyjeff

 

Why do old people wear those enormous sunglasses?  Like the ones welders use.  Is there some sort of senior welding counter-culture we don't know about?  #thedailyjeff

 

A woman's work is never done.  Which is probably why they don't make as much. (Stephen Colbert)    #thedailyjeff

 

I'll be dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets this Halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at that time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes anyway.   (An.) #thedailyjeff

  

Fashion tip of the day: If your thighs or belly stop moving 30 seconds after you do, say NO to spandex, short t-shirts, shorts, and skinny jeans. #thedailyjeff

 

"You have enemies?  Good.  That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."  (Winston Churchill)  #thedailyjeff

 

Hopefully one day my life will be as cool as I make it appear on Facebook. #thedailyjeff

 

Some babies are born premature but I was born way mature.  I think it was the beard and smoking jacket that sealed the deal.  #thedailyjeff

 

  

I know why it is so difficult to find a cab in Chicago….All the Arabic speakers have been recruited by the CIA to serve as translators.  #thedailyjeff

  

To do two things at once is to do neither (Publius Syrus)  #thedailyjeff

 

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. (Henry Ford) #thedailyjeff

 

What’s it called when you can’t think of what something is called?   #thedailyjeff

 

I used to think gas was expensive. Then I realized I'm buying liquid exploding dinosaurs, which sounds much cooler.   #thedailyjeff 

 

Kidnapping? I prefer the term "surprise adoption." (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

How do we expect foreigners to learn English when we have words like ATTribute and atTRIBute that have completely different meanings?  #thedailyjeff 

 

“Happiness and misery depend not upon how high up or low down you are-they depend not upon these, but on the direction in which you are tending.” (Samuel Butler)  #thedailyjeff

 

What comes with ease goes with ease. (Arabian Proverb)  #thedailyjeff

 

Life is too short to be little. #thedailyjeff

 
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "Man, I've really got to hit the gym." #thedailyjeff 

 

"Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or the cook." (Harry Oliver)   #thedailyjeff

 

"I can resist everything except temptation." (Oscar Wilde)   #thedailyjeff

 

“People always call it luck when you have acted more sensibly than they have.”  (Anne Tyler)

 

“Every moment looking back keeps us from looking forward.”  (Hillary Clinton)

 

“Break as few bones as possible and make as much noise as you can.”  (Chevy Chase)

 

"Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." (Rich Cook)   #thedailyjeff

 

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."  (Albert Einstein)

 

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." (Isaac Asimov)   #thedailyjeff

 

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.    #thedailyjeff

 

"We are, as a species, addicted to story. Even when the body goes to sleep, the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories."  (Jonathan Gottschall)   #thedailyjeff

 

 

"When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight."(John Major)  #thedailyjeff

 

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom." (Jerry Seinfeld)  #thedailyjeff

 

"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired." (R. Geis)  #thedailyjeff

 

"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."  (Hubert Humphrey)  #thedailyjeff

 

Children really brighten up a household...meaning they never turn the lights off. (Ralph Bus)  #thedailyjeff

 

If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space. (An.) #thedailyjeff

   

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." (Somerset Maugham) (I don't know what this means but thought I would quote it.) #thedailyjeff

 

“When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So, what the hell, leap!" (Cynthia Heimel) #thedailyjeff

 

Sorry folks.  Even though Botox makes you look like you are smiling and happy all the time, it doesn't actually MAKE you happy. #thedailyjeff

 

Was watching an action movie this weekend where the world was going to end because of a bomb made by the villain.  The hero wasn’t sure if he should clip the red wire or the blue one.  Here's a thought.  Why don't movie villains just make their bombs where the wires are all the same color? #thedailyjeff


Well, I've officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life. #thedailyjeff


I doubt I'll ever get accepted into the optimist club. (An.) #thedailyjeff

  

Great name for a death metal band:  Black projectile vomiting.  #thedailyjeff

 

Struggling with instructions from Japanese-produced closet insert.  See if you can figure this one out. - #thedailyjeff: 

Assembly.

1. Attach upper pipe to pillar pipe and pull out pillar pipe until the top of upper pipe is reached to the ceiling.

2. Tighten the short bolt of pipe support connector all the way.

3. Turn pole to counter clockwise with holding rubber foot to have secured strong set up or you can turn rubber foot to clockwise.

4. Measuring appreciate height to hang clothes and fasten bracket tightly to poles.

5. Pull out cross bar to appreciate length."

 

Instructions from the instructions on a Dragonball-Z action figure:  #thedailyjeff "The new-designed costume facilitates the figure which in fine proportion with moveable joints acts lively. Transformation comes possible. Beware of being swallowed by child, due to small parts. Avoid disturbing the other while enjoying this item. During cutting, do not put your head too close. There is difference between up and down.  Insert G-51 until you hear 'Kar'.

 

Instructions on an article of clothing. Wondering if English is this person’s first language… #thedailyjeff

- Can Wash
- Can't soak, can't the chlorine wash
- The low temperature is very hot
- Can't the washer dry
- Can dry-clean

"Micro tender rat." -- "Microsoft Mouse," as translated into Italian on the instruction sheet for a Taiwanese Microsoft-compatible mouse.   #thedailyjeff

 

Mangled advertising slogans  #thedailyjeff

"Coke raises your ancestors from the dead" - Original translation for "Coke adds life" campaign in China

"Are you lactating?" -- "Got milk?" as originally translated into Spanish for advertising in Mexico.

"Suffer from diarrhea." -- "Turn it loose," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising of Coors.

 

"Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce." -- From a menu in China.    #thedailyjeff

 

"Are you finished? No, I'm Swedish." -- From a "Learn English" tape in Finland.   #thedailyjeff

 

Oddly rational quite:  "Unfortunately we are not equipped with hindsight in advance." #thedailyjeff

 

Mangled Expressions: #thedailyjeff

"Water under the dam." -- A television news reporter, referring to the Clinton/Gore campaign fundraising issue.

"Water over the bridge."

"We'll burn that bridge when we get to it."

"Your heart is the lifeblood of your body." -- From a radio commercial.

"Let's nip this in the butt."

"Let's nibble this in the butt."

"Don't eat with your mouth full!"

"I'm not going to let this guy shine on my parade."

"He's disgusting. He smokes like a fish!"

"We're killing two birds for the price of one."

"If it had legs it would have bit you."

"You'll know it like the back of your head."

"You can barely see your face in front of your hand!"

"That's the way the crumble cookies."

"I don't want to sound like a dead horse."

"Let's take a wild stab in the back."

"Well, you know what they say: Second only counts in horseshoes."

"She's not the sharpest apple on the tree."

"He eats like a fish."

"Around here, it's always feast or phantom." -- A waitress, when it was pointed out that the restaurant was not very busy.

"If you could get it working I'd be internally grateful." -- From email sent to a web site administrator (no, not the administrator of this one).

"This is the piece of the puzzle that allows you to paint in the rest of the pie." -- A salesperson, describing a new telephony service.

 

"Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking that it is stupid."  Albert Einstein #thedailyjeff

 

Oddly and grammatically correct sentence: All the faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life. #thedailyjeff

 

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana #thedailyjeff

 

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence.  Talent will not – nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.  Genius will not – unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.  Education will not – the world is full of derelicts.  Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”  - Calvin Coolidge  #thedailyjeff

  

Isn't this odd:  the word Therapist is made up of the words "The Rapist."   #thedailyjeff

 

If you think about it, essentially bacon is the duct tape of food.  It can be wrapped around anything!   #thedailyjeff

 

 Aren't emoticons just bringing us full circle back to Egyptian hieroglyphics?  #thedailyjeff

 

Never give up on your dreams! Keep sleeping. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Sorry if I offended you, I really didn`t think you`d get it.   #thedailyjeff

  

In the International Classifications of Diseases, maintained by the World Health Organization and updated last year, Doctors use standardized codes (once 17,000, but now 155,000 of them).  I wonder how often they use these:  W53.21XA "Bitten by squirrel, initial encounter," and W53.21XD "Bitten by squirrel, subsequent encounter" Thank God there is a distinction between them!    #thedailyjeff

 

Computers aren't the thing...they're the thing that gets us to the thing. #thedailyjeff

  

If someone tells you they will treat you like a God just make sure it is not only when they need something and they forget about you when things were going well.  #thedailyjeff

 

I was watching a football game and the announcer excitedly exclaimed "He made that play with his FEET!"  That's about as stupid a comment as saying the play was made using hands.  What I really want to see is for a player to make a play with his MIND.

How to efficiently manage your time - Eric Barker  #thedailyjeff

Passivity is not going to get you where you want to go.

Control your environment or it will control you.

Write the things you need to do down on your calendar. You’re more likely to do what you write down.

You have about 2 hours of peak productivity, usually early in the morning. Protect those hours and use them wisely.

Meetings, email, multitasking and structured procrastination are the biggest time wasters.

No, you don’t need an email break. Switching tasks reduces effectiveness as your brain transitions. The more you do it, the less effective you are.

 

 

  Advice to be successful

1. Don't wait. Time is your most precious resource. Invest it. Use it well. Start now!" -- Peter van Stralen, CEO of Sunshine Brands

2. "Be unapologetically true yourself. The right people will eventually find you." -- Tony Hsieh, CEO of Zappos

3. "Do what you love because you love it and not for any other reason." -- Neil Strauss, NYT Bestselling Author

4. "You have so much you can do with your life, so get out and explore.” -- Brian Smith, Founder of UGG Australia, Author and Speaker

5. "Don’t go it alone. Find a mentor…ask for the help and expertise of others to move forward more quickly." -- Dr. Cheryl Lentz, The Academic Entrepreneur

6. "Built on someone else's mistakes. Competition is too stiff to allow for many mistakes of your own!" -- Bud Moeller, Former Partner at Accenture and Professional Race Car Driver

7. "Constantly surround yourself with people smarter than you, but don't allow it to intimidate you; instead, use it as an opportunity to learn." -- Nick Arnett, Summit Community Development Manager for the Thiel Foundation

 

“It is an act of love to say ‘I believe in you as my child and you don’t need my help.’” (Warren Buffett) #thedailyjeff

 

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." (George Carlin) #thedailyjeff

 

If you want to discipline your kids just whisper.  They’ll lean in to listen, and that is your best moment to grab them. #thedailyjeff

 

“Common sense is not so common.” Voltare #thedailyjeff

 

“Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone should be.”  (Clementine Paddleford)  #thedailyjeff

 

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”  (Stephen Chbosky) #thedailyjeff

 

“You have to create the quiet to be able to hear the tiny faint voice of your intuition.”  (Jon Flavreau) #thedailyjeff

 

"A day without sunshine is, like, night." (Steve Martin) #thedailyjeff

 

"All generalizations are false." (Mark Twain) #thedailyjeff

Found an interesting article about doing a “FRIENDVENTORY.”  Evaluate friendships and ask yourself these questions:  PURPOSE-Why are we really connected? PRIORITY-Where does the relationship fit in my life?  Is this a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly association and are all parties involved okay either way? PROVISION-What am I supposed to give to the other party in the relationship? It’s an exchange. PROFIT-What am I supposed to gain from the other party in the relationship? It’s an exchange. PENALTY-What’s the cost of a bad connection? And do I really want to pay the price? ….Harsh but realistic, don’t you think?  #thedailyjeff

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win (.An.) #thedailyjeff

  

Ever notice that the words "Wound" (injury) and "Wound" (circular action past tense) are spelled the same but have totally different meanings?  Can you get a wound when you're wound?  #thedailyjeff

 

Researchers say "If you can't measure it, it doesn't exist."  I don't agree.  What about love? Contentment? Beliefs? Shame?  Commitment?  Worthiness?  Vulnerability? Beauty?  Religion?  #thedailyjeff

 

"Vulnerability is the core of shame, fear and our struggle for worthiness.  But it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, of belonging and love." (Brene Brown)  #thedailyjeff

 

Blame: A way to discharge pain and discomfort.  (Brene Brown) #thedailyjeff

 

Oscar Madison: "It's either very new cheese or very old meat." Murray: "I'll take the brown."  #thedailyjeff

 

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me and then plug me in again… See if I reboot to a more intelligent person.  #thedailyjeff

 

I’m not insulting you….I’m describing you.  #thedailyjeff

 

“The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe murderer.” (Paula Poundstone) #thedailyjeff

 

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive proof that you are wonderful.” (Ann Landers) #thedailyjeff

 

I wish the "Do not ask me again" or “Opt out” options existed in real life.  #thedailyjeff

 

One of the happiest moments ever is when you can find the courage to let go of what you can’t change (Lori White Sterrett) #thedailyjeff

 

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield #thedailyjeff

 

“The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”  (Julie Child)

 

“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. (Harry Truman)  Jeff’s corollary…or wait until they mention something you think is completely stupid and completely support it.  #thedailyjeff

 

“If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice.” (Norman Agustine)  #thedailyjeff

 

If I spoke my mind….uh…we wouldn’t have much to talk about. #thedailyjeff

An apple a day will keep anyone away if thrown hard enough.  (Abigail George) #thedailyjeff

I don’t always contradict myself but when I do I don’t. (Jacob) #thedailyjeff

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

“It has come to my attention, that air pollution is polluting the air! – George W. Bush #thedailyjeff

“I don’t care what the polls say. I don’t. I’m doing what I think what’s wrong.” – George W. Bush #thedailyjeff

“I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don’t always agree with them.” – George Bush #thedailyjeff

Things do not change.  We change.  (Henry David Thoreau) #thedailyjeff

 

“The main dangers in this life are the people who what to change everything…or nothing.”  (Lady Astor) #thedailyjeff

 

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.  #thedailyjeff)

 

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. (Anon) #thedailyjeff)

 

If people are talking behind your back, just remember that you are the one in the front. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

"Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality." (Clifton Fadiman) #thedailyjeff)

Saying “sorry” isn't always enough. Sometimes you actually have to change. (Philip Kwak)

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother." (Ken Dodd) #thedailyjeff)

 

"In weight lifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you." (Jack Handey) #thedailyjeff)

 

“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.”  (Winston Churchill) #thedailyjeff

 

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Stop focusing on how stressed you are and remember how blessed you are. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’ (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

A group of geese is called a gaggle.  A group of fish is called a school. A group of whales is called a pod.  Shouldn’t a group of gay people should be called “a pride”?  #thedailyjeff

Why a coffee IV has not been invented is beyond me. What is modern science so busy with?!!? (Anon) #thedailyjeff

Do the world a favor: seek medical attention to have whatever has burrowed up your ass safely removed. Also, recycle. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

It takes 2 seconds to pick up a penny. That’s technically $18 an hour. More than most people make at work. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

To simplify complications is the first essential of success.” (George Earle Buckle) #thedailyjeff

 

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson) #thedailyjeff

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) #thedailyjeff


Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler. (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

 

Our life is frittered away by detail... Simplify, simplify. (Henry David Thoreau) #thedailyjeff

Nothing is more simple than greatness; indeed, to be simple is to be great. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) #thedailyjeff

Simplicity is the glory of expression. (Walt Whitman) #thedailyjeff

 

Simplicity is an acquired taste. Mankind, left free, instinctively complicates life. (Katherine F. Gerould) #thedailyjeff

Simplicity is the peak of civilization. (Jessie Sampter) #thedailyjeff

 

Nothing is as simple as we hope it will be. (Jim Horning) #thedailyjeff

 

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”  (Lily Tomlin)  #thedailyjeff

 

“I remember my pet rock back in 1985.  I buried it in the back yard.  Turns out there was a mass grave out there. The neighbor kid must have been a psycho.”  (Stephen Colbert) #thedailyjeff

 

If you ever Google "Gary Oldman" for gosh sakes don't forget the "R".  You will get a lot of different stuff, none of which you expected.   #thedailyjeff

 

The first person to ever use the word ‘nerd’?  Dr. Seuss.  See?  You were a nerd even back when you were a kid.  #thedailyjeff

 

“We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.”  (Will Rogers) #thedailyjeff

 

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over.  There’s nobody home.’  I went over.  Nobody was home.”  (Rodney Dangerfield) #thedailyjeff

 

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant – and let the air out of their tires.”  (Dorothy Parker) #thedailyjeff

 

“It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.  If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.”  (Warren Buffett) #thedailyjeff

 

I don’t want to cause any alarm, but you should probably hold off on buying the Happy New Year stuff. Just time traveled 1 yr into the future and let’s just say it went badly for you. #thedailyjeff

 

Does life imitate art or does art imitate life? Either way I've lost 1000 dollars playing poker with these dogs (mattytalks) #thedailyjeff

 

Kill two birds with one stone. Kill two birds with two stones. Kill as many birds with as many stones as you want. We must eradicate birds. They’re angry!  #thedailyjeff

 

Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do shitty work and blame anyone but myself. (pourmecoffee) #thedailyjeff

 

Reading's great. You stare at stained slices of tree for hours on end, hallucinating vividly as time passes you by. (blopt) #thedailyjeff

 

If you don't have anything nice to say about someone come sit closer to me and let's talk about everyone. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

I wonder if anyone in a full burqa ever thinks, "Wow, that's a great picture of me." (juliussharpe) #thedailyjeff

 

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Flat out racism. #thedailyjeff

 

Was forced to watch "Say yes to the dress." Now I think my water just broke.  #thedailyjeff

 

Why is it that in every horror movie there is someone checking for murderers in the house and they keep saying “Hello?” and then open the door to the basement? Haven’t we as a society figured this one out already?  #thedailyjeff

 

Fighting a war on drugs beats fighting a war on sober. (donni) #thedailyjeff

 

A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.”  (Ruth Bell Graham)  #thedailyjeff

 

“When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.”  (Molly McGee)  #thedailyjeff

 

“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”  (Calvin Coolidge)  #thedailyjeff

 

“Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter?  If I want to follow CNN, then I can follow them on CNN.”  (Jon Stewart)  #thedailyjeff

 

“I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cabdriver.  Then they would really be educated.”  (Al McGuire)  #thedailyjeff

 

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.  (Jim Eason) #thedailyjeff

 

One way to really get depressed is to consider all those security questions they ask online. Dad's birthday? First pet? What's next? Are they going to ask about Lesslie Stubbs rejecting me in 2nd grade? #thedailyjeff

 

I was driving behind a school bus and this guy mooned all us drivers as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

I’m going to open up a Forever 20 store next to a Forever 21 store.  Face it.  20 is better than 21. #thedailyjeff

 

Health tip:  I heard that a banana a day is a good way to clean out your digestive tract.  Turns out you’re supposed to eat them. #thedailyjeff

 

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint? (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or at Walmart. #thedailyjeff

 

My current caffeine level: scared Chihuahua #thedailyjeff

 

There are some people that come into your life and instantly you know you want them to get the hell out your life. #thedailyjeff

 

Question from my non-sports fan neighbor: When do the Super Bowl winners go up against the Puppy Bowl winners? #thedailyjeff

 

Apparently Target employees do not give prizes no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

I'm proud to announce that I'm still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don't know we're racing. #thedailyjeff

 

We all agree Tom Hanks banged the shit out of Wilson right? #thedailyjeff

 

The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you. #thedailyjeff

 

When a woman says "do whatever you want." do not do whatever you want. (So Damn Real)  #thedailyjeff

F*ck second chances. People never change. (So Damn Real)  #thedailyjeff

 

“Never ask, and never demand. Just let it be. Because if it's meant to be, it will be. (So Damn Real)  #thedailyjeff

 

My advice to a co-worker:  “You know, they make medication for the way you act.  #thedailyjeff

 

A UPS truck is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

 

I bet Snowmen think it's weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin. #thedailyjeff

 

You never look good trying to make someone else look bad. #thedailyjeff

 

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama. #thedailyjeff

 

 

If you ever go camping be sure to bring along someone who has a good camera and can take good pictures. Bigfoot obviously avoids people like this. #thedailyjeff

 

The highlight of my year was going to Walmart and not getting shot by a baby. #thedailyjeff

 

“My father used to day, ‘Don’t raise your voice.  Improve your argument.’” (Desmond Tutu) #thedailyjeff

 

“I live in the truth that ‘no’ is a complete sentence.”  (Ann Lamott) #thedailyjeff

 

“The opposite of love isn’t hate – it’s indifference.  And if you hate me it means you still care.”  (Marcia Cross)  #thedailyjeff

 

I remember my first time I started my awesome career at a mic. "Cleanup on aisle 5" & "Price check-Advil" were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks. (WilliamAder)  #thedailyjeff

 

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni. (AmishStar1) #thedailyjeff

 

Mustaches are the eyebrows of the upper face..lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not. (kumailn) #thedailyjeff

 

Autocorrect changed "you're so wise" to "you're so wide." Now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home. (moose_chocolate)  #Thedailyjeff

 

No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon!" (Parkerlawyer)  #Thedailyjeff

 

Her: Are you even capable of love?  Him: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.  (BDGarp) #Thedailyjeff

 

 

Isn't "easy breezy" just another way to say "slutty and flatulent?"  #Thedailyjeff

 

Can't stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones. (RobinMcCauley)  #Thedailyjeff

 

Give something to someone every day…your money…and idea….or a little bit of you. #thedailyjeff

 

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day. (weinerdog4life) #thedailyjeff

 

Until you've tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don't tell me about your drinking problem. (kelkulus) #thedailyjeff

 

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter. (trevso_electric) #thedailyjeff

 

I was in a bathroom and I saw a sign that said employees must wash hands. I waited like ½ hour and no one came to wash my hands so I did it myself. (Robert Zunick) #thedailyjeff

 

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

 

You are one in a million, which means there are 320 of you in the US. So find your other selfs, overthrow the government of a small Midwestern town and run shit. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Women buy $500 purses just to impress other women. No guy has ever said "She was beautiful, but that purse bro... I can’t call HER!" #thedailyjeff

 

If we're in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation. #thedailyjeff

 

My electric toothbrush is broken so now I have to use my acoustic one. #thedailyjeff

 

At my age, I don't take naps outdoors. People start breaking out the shovels. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me. #thedailyjeff

 

I used to think I was a man of vision. Now I'm pretty sure they're hallucinations (Unknown). #thedailyjeff

 

It’s scary to think nothing can kill that last 0.01% germ. #thedailyjeff

 

If corn is made from corn and whale oil is made from whales, what is baby oil made of? #thedailyjeff

 

I have a special kind of personal trainer.  He just knocks bad food out of my hand.  #thedailyjeff

 

What is the best way to tell your neighbor that his Wi-Fi is too slow and he needs a better modem? #thedailyjeff

 

Pro tip to you single guys for picking up girls: keep your back straight and lift with your legs. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

I was involved in a violent mugging this afternoon. On the plus side I did make $23 and I think the watch looks really good on me.  (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy...” (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

So far I haven’t lost any weight eating these Thin Mints, but I’m committed to this diet 100%! #thedailyjeff

 

Ever talk to someone so stupid that you can just hear them misspelling words? (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly! (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

The first thing my wife did when we got married was to get me to put the toilet seat down. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around with me in the first place. . . (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

I simply do not understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

The Internet is full of cat people because dog people actually go outside. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

How many calories are in 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies? Asking for a friend. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

FYI strawberry shampoo does not taste nearly as good as it smells. (Robert Ryder) #thedailyjeff

 

☆¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.¸☆ ★ ☆¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.¸☆ ★☆¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.¸☆ – Yay.  #thedailyjeff

 

When the hostess at the restaurant says "Table for two?" I like to act surprised and say "You can see her too?!" (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

Unfortunately common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

If we use our phones to take selfies should they be called ‘selfphones?’ #thedailyjeff

 

I lost 7 followers today. It's nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets (Kaladas4u2nv) #thedailyjeff

 

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you're just tired with a cow disease. (jasonlastname)  #thedailyjeff

 

Women always complain that "all men are dogs,” but what they fail to realize is that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. #thedailyjeff

 

Don’t you think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York. #thedailyjeff

 

Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny. #thedailyjeff

 

Just for fun text "I hid the body. What's next boss" to a random number and see what happens. #thedailyjeff

 

Having survived 3 apocalypses, I’m going into this next one with a pretty positive attitude. #thedailyjeff

 

11 cheers for binary! #thedailyjeff

 

It all makes sense now. Pot and gay marriage legalized in the same day. (Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man, he should be stoned.") Well. I guess we've just been misinterpreting it all these years... #thedailyjeff

 

The movie Lincoln is doing well in theaters. Historically this has not been true. #thedailyjeff

 

I'd rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea. #thedailyjeff

 

Women are, of course, looking for security in a man. but make sure the first thing out of her mouth isn’t “SECURITY!” (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

I think it’s really kind of cute when someone treats you like shit, then gets offended when you treat them the same way. #thedailyjeff

 

Apparently juice cleanses don't involve mimosas... #thedailyjeff

 

Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. For example it comes in 12oz, 16oz, pilsner, IPA, stout, heffeweisen, bock, and nutty brown. #thedailyjeff

 

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you. #thedailyjeff

 

If I don’t talk to myself, who will? (Robert Zanuck) #thedailyjeff

 

Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

I think we can blame our generation's obsession with plastic surgery on most of us playing with Mr. Potatohead as children. #thedailyjeff

 

Finally I was able to leave a store without buying something.  Learned after I was tackled by security that this apparently is called ‘shoplifting.’ #thedailyjeff

 

I’ve decided I’m not old.  I’m just 25 plus shipping and handling. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Most people just want to find that special somebody to stare at their phone with. #thedailyjeff

 

I'll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells back "Down here! In the couch cushions!" #thedailyjeff

 

You know your life is boring when someone steals your identity and after a while returns it. #thedailyjeff

 

Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800's isn't a selling point. Slavery existed then too... #thedailyjeff

 

When parents on Facebook post about how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!" #thedailyjeff

 

Word nerd: Why does “tasty” mean that a thing tastes good and “smelly” mean that a thing smells bad? #thedailyjeff

 

Thought someone called me a genital giant (a stud), but realized they actually said gentle giant (big dumb guy) #tthedailyjeff

 

or maybe it was gentile giant (big Christian guy).  #thedailyjeff (J)

 

I have an inferiority complex but I’m sure it’s not as good as everybody else’s. #thedailyjeff

 

Words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is. #thedailyjeff

 

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail. #thedailyjeff

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you need a club and a spade. #thedailyjeff

 

They say all power corrupts. But absolute power is pretty neat. #thedailyjeff

 

Listening to the news you hear three terms used interchangeably:  migrant (a person who moves from place to place to get work), immigrant (a person who migrates to another country, usually for permanent residence), and an illegal alien) a foreigner who has entered or resides in acountry unlawfully or without the country's authorization).  What is the difference?  The first two are complying with the laws of the country.

Anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you.  It takes someone really special to stay in your life and show how much they love you. (An.) #thedailyjeff

It’s better to know and be disappointed than to never know and always wonder. (Anon.) #thedailyjeff

Happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you.  Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is, it always comes from within. (Anon.) #thedailyjeff

You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one. (Anon.) #thedailyjeff

Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out. (Anon.) #thedailyjeff

 “You can only try your best. And if they can’t appreciate that, it’s their fault, not yours.” (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” (Maya Angelou) #thedailyjeff

 

“If you are not willing to risk the usual you will have to settle for the ordinary.” (Jim Rohn) #thedailyjeff

 

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.” (Oscar Wilde) #thedailyjeff

 

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” (E.M. Forster) #thedailyjeff

 

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” (Friedrich Nietzsche) #thedailyjeff

 

“If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you. If you don’t bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you.” (Jodi Picoult) #thedailyjeff

 

“The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything but they make the most of everything.” (Sam Cawthorn) #thedailyjeff

 

“Waiting around for someone else to make you happy is the best way to be sad.” (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.” (Nora Roberts) #thedailyjeff

 

“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.”  (Joan Rivers) #thedailyjeff

 

"Don’t be so humble - you are not that great." (Golda Meir to a visiting diplomat) #thedailyjeff

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry - 1900-1944) #thedailyjeff

"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation." (H. H. Munro (Saki)  - 1870-1916) #thedailyjeff

"The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them." (Albert Einstein 1879-1955) #thedailyjeff

"The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge." (Stephen Hawking 1942-) #thedailyjeff

"A witty saying proves nothing." (Voltaire 1694-1778) #thedailyjeff

"Better to light a candle than curse the darkness." (Chinese Proverb) #thedailyjeff

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die." (Klingon Proverb, Star Trek) #thedailyjeff

"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig." (Proverb) #thedailyjeff

"If you lose your temper, you’ve lost the argument." (Proverb) #thedailyjeff

"Only imbeciles never change their minds." (Proverb) #thedailyjeff

 

"The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you." (Kin Hubbard) #thedailyjeff

"Write drunk. Edit sober." Peter De Vries (1910-1993) #thedailyjeff

"Wit is educated insolence." - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.) #thedailyjeff

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." H. G. Wells (1866-1946) #thedailyjeff

"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."  Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982) #thedailyjeff

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
- Tom Clancy (1947-), paraphrasing Mark Twain  #thedailyjeff

"Opportunities multiply as they are seized." (Sun Tzu) #thedailyjeff

"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."
- Chuck Norris (1940-)  #thedailyjeff

"This antitrust thing will blow over." - Bill Gates (1955-), on July 11, 1995 #thedailyjeff

"Become who you are." - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) #thedailyjeff

"Destiny is not a matter of change, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." - William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) #thedailyjeff

"If everything is under control, you are going too slow." - Mario Andretti (1940-)  #thedailyjeff

"Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome."
- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) #thedailyjeff

"Go after what it is that creates meaning in your life and then trust yourself to handle the stress that follows." (Kelly McGonigal) #thedailyjeff

"I would have made a good Pope." Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994) #thedailyjeff

"Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservative."
- John Stuart Mill (1806-1873) #thedailyjeff

"The worst part about politics is that you're always right and no one ever knows it."
(Unknown)  #thedailyjeff

"When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail."
- Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) #thedailyjeff

"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." - William Gibbs McAdoo (1863-1941) #thedailyjeff

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." - Al Capone (1899-1947) #thedailyjeff

"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so." - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) #thedailyjeff

"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic." Joseph Stalin (1879-1953) #thedailyjeff

"Man’s highest joy is in victory: to conquer one’s enemies; to pursue them; to deprive them of their possessions; to make their beloved weep; to ride on their horses; and to embrace their wives and daughters." - Genghis Khan (c.1155/1162/1167-1227) #thedailyjeff

"It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both." - Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), The Prince  #thedailyjeff

"When a man is wrapped up in himself he makes a pretty small package." John Ruskin (1819-1900) #thedailyjeff

"I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need." - Rodin (1840-1917), when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues #thedailyjeff

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." Mark Twain (1835-1910) #thedailyjeff

"Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century." (Perelman) #thedailyjeff

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance." - Derek Bok (1930-), Harvard University President  #thedailyjeff

"Education is not the filling of a bucket, but the lighting of a fire." - William Butler Yeats (1865-1939) #thedailyjeff

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." - General John Sedgwick (1813-1864), last words  #thedailyjeff

"Remember the two benefits of failure. First, if you do fail, you learn what doesn't work; and second, the failure gives you the opportunity to try a new approach." (Roger Von Oech) #thedailyjeff

 

"Bureaucracy destroys initiative. There is little that bureaucrats hate more than innovation, especially innovation that produces better results than the old routines. Improvements always make those at the top of the heap look inept. Who enjoys appearing inept?" (Frank Herbert) #thedailyjeff

"Innovation is an evolutionary process, so it's not necessary to be radical all the time." (Marc Jacobs) #thedailyjeff

"Keep in mind that imagination is at the heart of all innovation. Crush or constrain it and the fun will vanish." (Albert-Lszl Barabsi) #thedailyjeff

"I like to think of innovation as upgrading your current self. This upgrade helps you to more effectively deal with changes happening around you and to be able to think in a more complex manner than before." (Daniel Willey) #thedailyjeff

"Entrepreneurship is when an individual retrieves a red hot idea from the creativity furnace without the constraint of the heat of lean resources, and with each persistent blow of the innovation hammer shapes the still malleable idea against the anvil of passion, vision, insight, strategy, and principles to forge a fitting vessel of a creative concern." (Amah Lambert) #thedailyjeff

"Anyone who says failure is not an option has also ruled out innovation." (Seth Godin) #thedailyjeff

"Following the rules of your industry will only get you so far."--Max McKeown

"The best way to get a good idea is to have a lot of ideas."--Linus Pauling

"The innovator's motto is this: I succeed or I learn but I never fail."--Paul Sloane

"There's a huge misconception that innovation is mostly about inventing or coming up with cool new things. More often than not, innovation is about figuring out what people really need or want but can't have or afford."--Ziad K. Abdelnour

"Implementing best practice is copying yesterday; innovation is inventing tomorrow."--Paul Sloane

"Failure isn't something to be embarrassed about; it's just proof that you're pushing your limits, trying new things, daring to innovate."--Gavin Newsom

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change." (Bren Brown) #thedailyjeff

"Healthy curiosity is a great key in innovation." (Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha) #thedailyjeff

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation.” (Osho) #thedailyjeff

“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.” -T.E. Lawrence

 

“Treat the Earth Well: It was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors, we borrow it from our Children”
(Native American Proverb) #thedailyjeff

“Another flaw in the human character is that everyone wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.” (Kurt Vonnegut) #thedailyjeff

“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” (John A. Shedd) #thedailyjeff

“To know what you know and what you do not know, that is true knowledge.” (Confucius) #thedailyjeff

“I have noticed that people who claim everything is predestined, and we can do nothing to change it, look both ways before crossing the road” (Stephen Hawking) #thedailyjeff

“I used to be a big fan of evolution, but now that I’ve evolved I think it is dumb.”  (Dr. Sheldon Cooper) #thedailyjeff

 

Whenever you feel that you have a bad body just remember that some people have bodies that are rotting underground (Yajia) #thedailyjeff

 

“Of course size matters.  No one wants a small pizza.” (Bill Murry) #thedailyjeff

 

“Arnold Palmer: The Movie” starring Ice-T and Jack Lemmon, also I'm very very sorry (Cabel) #thedailyjeff

 

[son hands me a picture he painted a school] That's great. Let's just put that in the 'maybe has epilepsy' pile. #thedailyjeff

 

Let’s pretend for a moment that NFL players are incapable of psychopathic violence.  OK, done. #thedailyjeff

 

Great idea for a new French restaurant that serves only legumes called Les Beans.  Wait, that doesn’t sound right. #thedailyjeff

 

You’re not a true friend until you start insulting each other on a daily basis. #thedailyjeff

 

When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter." #thedailyjeff

 

So I harvested my tomato today, it's bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it. #thedailyjeff

 

Facebook needs a “drama of the day’ button. #thedailyjeff

 

I wonder if skunks ever think, "Jesus...I stink!" #thedailyjeff

 

The Internet manages to show how far Homo Sapeins have come while simultaneously showing how far they haven't. (JohnFugelsang)  #thedailyjeff

 

I wish I could lose weight as fast as I lose my reading glasses.

 

Life isn’t what you want it to be, it’s what you make it become. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

Another irony of parenting.  You give them everything unconditionally. Then when they are angry, tired or stressed they treat YOU like shit. #thedailyjeff

 

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. (Novelle) #thedailyjeff

 

I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 trillion, I'd be irresponsible too. #thedailyjeff

 

Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad." #thedailyjeff

 

If it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?  #thedailyjeff

 

 

At least my job description doesn't involve repairing the economy or being the new head football coach at Penn State.

 

Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike. (JK Rowling)

 

I've had a busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

 

Unfortunately bad decisions make good stories.  #thedailyjeff

 

Just bought 400 copies of the TV show Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.  #thedailyjeff

 

Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t   #thedailyjeff

 

I don’t have a type. If I like you, then I like you. #thedailyjeff

 

Sometimes the way to be brave is to pretend to be brave.  #thedailyjeff

 

“I just saw a rainbow come out of your mouth and it was in the form of a great idea!”

 

I don't go to the gym anymore. I like for things to work themselves out.  (Anon)

 

I've had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven't grown any crops. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now." (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

If you play a One Direction song backwards, you hear messages from Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you hear One Direction. #thedailyjeff

 

The only source of knowledge is experience. (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

 

If you can’t be a good example, at least be a terrible warning. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

When someone asks, "Can I be honest?" before saying something, you have to wonder what the hell they're doing the rest of the time. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you'd like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don't mind." (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Heck is where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

I don't have bad handwriting. I have my own font.  #thedailyjeff

 

I am so impressed that SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.  #thedailyjeff

 

Every person needs a 'clear history' app.  #thedailyjeff

 

Ships don’t sink because of the water around them.  They sink because of the water in them.  So don’t worry about what is outside….worry about what’s inside.  #thedailyjeff

 

Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." (Cyberbilly)  #thedailyjeff

 

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. #Buddha   #thedailyjeff

 

There should be an exterminating company called Hitler Exterminating.  Highly recognizable and effective name, don’t you think?  #thedailyjeff

 

When the wrong people leave your life, the right things start. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some people are really abusing the privilege.  #thedailyjeff

Don’t take life so seriously, it isn’t permanent.  #thedailyjeff

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.  #thedailyjeff

Don’t worry so much about what other people think. They don’t do it very often so it’s generally not a problem.  #thedailyjeff

Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.  #thedailyjeff

A backward poet writes inverse.  #thedailyjeff

Without geometry, life is pointless.  #thedailyjeff

“If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you.”  (Harlan Ellison)  #thedailyjeff

“Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.”  (René Descartes)

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.” (Steven Wright)  #thedailyjeff

Some say our economy is broken. Don’t you think we have enough money to just buy a new one?  #thedailyjeff

The other day I saw a fireman- excuse me, a fire person. And it had a mustache. (Miles K.)  #thedailyjeff

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.  #thedailyjeff

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.  #thedailyjeff

Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.  #thedailyjeff

He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.  #thedailyjeff

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.  #thedailyjeff

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.  #thedailyjeff

 “It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).” 
(Brian P. Cleary, You Oughta Know By Now) #thedailyjeff

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” (Charles M. Schulz) #thedailyjeff

“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.” (George V. Higgins, The Friends of Eddie Coyle) #thedailyjeff

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” (Albert Einstein) #thedailyjeff

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (Niel W.) #thedailyjeff

 

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! (Niel W.) #thedailyjeff

 

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... (Niel W.) #thedailyjeff

 

Top 8 questions to never ask a colorblind person

#1: What color is this? This makes a colorblind person feel like a fool and you can’t take any profit out of it.

#2: Do you see only shades of gray?  Nearly every person who is colorblind sees at least some color, but less intensely. You see about 100 colors at near 100%.  Others see maybe 20 at a lower percent. (OK, I see maybe 4 at 10%)

#3: Which colors do you see then? Nobody suffering from colorblindness can answer this question. Some may see more, some less, but none can tell you which colors, because a colorblind person doesn’t know how you see the world.

#4: Who buys your clothes? Me, who else? Yes, going shopping for a new shirt isn’t the easiest thing and it’s usually embarrassing to ask a stranger. One’s spouse and children are the best allies.

#5: Hey, you shouldn’t drive a car! Not a problem at all. The arrangement: Red at top/left, green at bottom/right.  It’s trickier at night because they all look like street lights to me.

#6: Is this banana ripe?  The only way to know for sure is if it has black dots on it.

#7: Am I colorblind too?  Unlikely.  Only 6% of men and less than 1% of women are.

#8: Does this shirt go with these pants?  Seriously?  I have no idea.

 

I just love the crazy stuff politicians say, especially when I purposely take the quote out of context for comedic effect:

“We had no domestic attacks under Bush – we’ve had one under Obama.” Rudy Giuliani, Good Morning America, 2010

“Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter.” George W. Bush at his last G-8 Summit, said while punching the air and grinning, Rusutsu, Japan,July 10th, 2008

"We have a lot of kids who don't know what work means. They think work is a four-letter word." Hilary Clinton, 2008 campaign speech

“Reports that say something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”  US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, February 12th, 2002

“Outside of the killings, DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” Former mayor of Washington, D.C. Marion Barry, March 24th, 1989, National Press Club speech

“But we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi talking about President Obama’s healthcare law, March 9th, 2010

“Well, I learned a lot….I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You’d be surprised. They’re all individual countries.” President Ronald Reagan, December 6th, 1982

“When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.” Richard Nixon in an interview with David Frost in 1977 

 “Literally, if we took away the minimum wage? If conceivably it was gone? We could potentially, virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.” U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) in a June 2011 interview with ABC News.

“We have every mixture you can have. I have a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple. And we have talent.” James Watt, Sec. of the Interior in the Reagan Administration (1981-83)

“They’re coming after your doughnuts!” Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) in Nov. 2013, claiming the Food & Drug Administration’s new restriction on trans fats would completely eliminate these and other food items.

 

“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Rep. Todd Akin (R-Missouri) offered this statement when asked if abortion in cases of rape would conflict with his pro-life stance.

 “Gee-whiz, the hormone level created by nature sets in place the possibility for these types of things to occur.” The argument of Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia) when discussing the subject at a June 2013 hearing of the Senate Armed Services Committee about sexual assault in the military.

 

“So if we decrease the use of carbon dioxide, are we not taking away plant food from the atmosphere?” At a meeting of the House Subcommittee on Energy and Environment in March 2009, U.S. Rep. John Shimkus (R-Illinois) offered this counterargument to..??

 

“We are faced with a president who believes that men and women, no matter their effort, should all be equal. You see, some of us believe in freedom. Others want equality.” U.S. Sen. Tim Scott (R-South Carolina) against the Affordable Care Act,

 

“You’ve got a duty to die and get out of the way. Let the other society, our kids, build a reasonable life.” Colorado Gov. Dick Lamm (D) was supposed to be arguing for sick elderly to have the right to physician-assisted suicide when he made this statement in 1984.

 

“Just think about it. 16,500 armed bureaucrats coming to make (the Affordable Care Act) work.” Former Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) in March 2010 on Fox News

 

“Wind is God’s way of balancing heat. Wind is the way you shift heat from areas where it’s hotter to areas where it’s cooler. That’s what wind is. Wouldn’t it be ironic if in the interest of global warming we mandated massive switches to energy, which is a finite resource, which slows the winds down, which causes the temperature to go up? I mean, it does make some sense. You stop something, you can’t transfer that heat, and the heat goes up. It’s just something to think about.” U.S. Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas) in an address March 2009

 

“(T)he idea that carbon dioxide is a carcinogen that is harmful to our environment is almost comical. Every time we exhale, we exhale carbon dioxide. Every cow in the world, you know, when they do what they do, you’ve got more carbon dioxide.” U.S. Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) offered this claim in an April 2009 interview 

 

“I think it was a mistake that President Obama and the Democrats shut the government down this fall.” Sept. 2013, U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) actually called for a government shutdown .

"Mankind has existed for a pretty long time without anyone ever having to give a sex-ed lesson to anybody. And now we feel like, oh gosh, people are too stupid unless we force them to sit and listen to instructions. It's just incredible." — Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), quoted by Right Wing Watch, adding that it all reminded him of the Soviet Union.

"This administration has so many Muslim brotherhood members that have influence that they just are making wrong decisions for America." — Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), in an interview with WND Radio, explaining what he sees as President Obama's downplaying of the threat of radical Islam.

"More background checks? Dandy idea, Mr. President. Should've started with yours." — Sarah Palin, quoted by the New York Times, speaking to CPAC about President Obama's gun control proposals.

"A holstered gun is not a deadly weapon... But anything can be used as a deadly weapon. A credit card can be used to cut somebody's throat." — New Hampshire state Rep. Dan Dumaine (R), quoted by the Concord Monitor, opposing a move to ban guns for the chamber floor.

"In the emergency room they have what's called rape kits where a woman can get cleaned out." — Texas State Rep. Jody Laubenberg (R), quoted by the AP, arguing that a bill restricting abortion needed no exemptions for case of rape.

"Assault weapons is a misused term used by suburban soccer moms who do not understand what is being discussed here." — Missouri Lt. Gov. Peter Kinder (R), quoted by the Missouri News Horizon, on efforts to ban assault weapons.

"Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful. They stroke their face. If they're a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain?" — Rep. Michael Burgess (R-Texas), quoted by Salon, suggested a fetus might masturbate.

“You cannot be president of the United States if you don’t have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can’t be. And we are blessed. So don’t feel sorry for — don’t cry for me, Argentina. Message: I care.”  President George Bush, Sr., speaking to employees of an insurance company during the 1992 New Hampshire primary #thedailyjeff

 

The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I'm pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I'm driving" (Novell)

 

On Thanksgiving, people say "Happy Turkey Day!" but I don't think it's such a happy day for turkeys.

 

I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten people."  #thedailyjeff

 

I’m not sure if it is hotter this year or if I’m just fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.  #thedailyjeff

 

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.) (Ambrose Bierce)  #thedailyjeff

 

“He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he's miserable and depressed.” (David Frost)  #thedailyjeff

“Count Hermann Keyserling once said that the greatest American superstition was the belief in facts.” (John Gunther)  #thedailyjeff

“The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.”  (Lucille S. Harper)  #thedailyjeff

“A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.”  (Sidney J. Harris)  #thedailyjeff

“Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be.” (Hubert H. Humphrey)  #thedailyjeff

“A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices.” (William James)  #thedailyjeff

Without order nothing can exist - without chaos nothing can evolve. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Why yes, I am dressed for the weather. I am wearing a house. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there. Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites as the best places to meet single women.  The best place is the cat food isle. (Moon) #thedailyjeff

 

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart? (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me. (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeff

 

What's meant to be will always find a way. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive. (Cyberbully) #thedailyjeff

 

Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?  Conspiracy? (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Most people don't stop and consider my feelings when I'm insulting them. (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Father's Day is just like Mother's Day, only cheaper!! (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

My solution for the mosquito problem.  Spray them with mosquito repellent so they never breed. #thedailyjeff

 

What would happen if the rapture did come Macho Man Randy Savage was the only one who proved worthy? (Anon) #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure word of the day

Obscure word of the day:  Autolatry (auto.lat.ry):  The worship of one’s own self

 

Umami:

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Our tongues can detect five different tastes. You know four of them: salt, sweet, bitter, and sour. But the fifth, “umami”, is more obscure. It’s the meaty, savory taste that makes things like Marmite and gravy so moreish – more scientifically, it’s the taste of a chemical group called glutamates. The word comes from the Japanese for “deliciousness”.

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Abibliophobia - The fear of running out of reading material.
Absquatulate - To leave or abscond with something.
Billingsgate - Loud, raucous profanity.
Borborygm - A rumbling of the stomach.
Boustrophedon - A back and forth pattern.
Bumbershoot - An umbrella
Codswallop - Nonsense, balderdash.
Fard - Face-paint, makeup.
Fartlek - A system of training for distance runners in which the terrain and pace are continually varied to eliminate boredom and enhance psychological aspects of conditioning
Formication - The sense of ants crawling on your skin.
Gardyloo! - A warning shouted before throwing water from above.
Gobemouche - A highly gullible person. Literally, a fly swallower; hence, one who keeps his mouth open; a boor; a silly and credulous person
Gongoozle - To stare at, kibitz.
Hemidemisemiquaver - A musical timing of 1/64.
Hobbledehoy - An awkward or ill-mannered young boy.
Jackanapes - A rapscallion, hooligan.
Lagopodous - Like a rabbit's foot.
Lickspittle - A servile person, a toady.
Mugwump - An independent politician who does not follow any party.
Oocephalus - An egghead.
Ranivorous - Frog-eating
Sialoquent - Spitting while speaking.
Snool - A servile person.
Tatterdemalion - A child in rags.
Turdiform - relating to or resembling a thrush, or any other bird of the family Turdidae
Unremacadamized - Having not been repaved with macadam.
Widdershins - In a contrary or counterclockwise direction.
Bletcherous:  Pertaining to something poorly or disgustingly designed.

 

 

 

 

Bombilate

To loudly hum or buzz continuously

Borborygmus

The rumbling sound of gas passing through the intestine

 

 

Brontide

The low rumbling of distant thunder

Cachinnation

Loud or hysterical laughter

Cacoethes

A bad habit or insatiable urge

Cagamosis

An unhappy marriage

 

 

Cruciverbalist

One who loves doing crossword puzzles

 

 

Dactylonomy

Counting using one's fingers

Dentiloquent

Pertaining to one who talks through their teeth

dephlogisticate

To make something fireproof

Dippoldism

The act of beating or whipping school children

Dompteuse

A woman who trains animals

Eccedentesiast

One who fakes a smile, as on television

 

 

Estrapade

A horses's attempt to remove its rider

Exsibilation

The collective hisses of a disapproving audience

Farctate

The state of being stuffed with food (overeating)

 

 

Gambrinous

Being full of beer

Gossypiboma

A surgical sponge accidently left inside a patient's body

 

 

 

 

Interfenestration

The space between two windows

Jumentous

Smelling like horse urine

Krukolibidinous

The act of staring at someone's crotch

 

 

 

 

Mulligrubs

A state of depression or low spirits

 

 

Mytacism

The incorrect or excessive use of the letter M

Nelipot

Someone who walks without shoes

Nidorosity

Belching with the taste of undigested meat

Nudiustertian

Pertaining to the day before yesterday

 

 

 

 

Polyphloisboian

Making a lot of noise or loud racket

 

 

quomodocunquize

To make money by any means possible

Recumbentibus

A knockout blow, either verbal or physical

Runcation

The act of weeding

Saprostomous

Having bad breath

Scolecophagous

One who eats worms

 

 

Skoptsy

Bumfuzzle. This is a simple term that refers to being confused, perplexed, or flustered or to cause confusion.. This word is derived from the Old English dumfoozle.

Cattywampus. This is a term that you will find in the Midland and Southern United States. It is referring to something that is in disarray, that is askew, or something that isn’t directly across from something. For example, a post office might be cattywampus from the library. You might actually know this word by the terms catty-corner, kitty-corner, or catawampus.

Gardyloo. a Scottish term as a warning before dumping their slop (human waste) buckets out of their windows.

Taradiddle. This word references someone or something that is filled with pretentious nonsense or something that is a bold-face lie.

Snickersnee. a long, dangerous knife. It was first used in reference to cut-and-thrust fighting in the 1700s and is still occasionally used when referencing the knife, though it is becoming more and more obsolete.

Widdershins. This is another way to say something is moving counter-clockwise or something is moving in the wrong direction.

Collywobbles. a weird feeling in your stomach or an overall bellyache. It is derived from the Latin phrase cholera morbus, meaning it came from the disease we all know as cholera.

Gubbins. an object that has little or no value and is also referring to a gadget or device. It can also refer to odds and ends or rubbish and, oddly enough, can be used to describe a silly person.

Bumbershoot. referring to an umbrella

Lollygag.  A verb or noun: someone who is messing around or wasting time, that isn’t serious or useful. Or the act of doing so.

Flibbertigibbet. someone who is silly and who talks incessantly… a person who is flighty.

Pandiculation. what happens when you wake up in the morning and stretch.  It also describes that wonderful, or terrible, combination of being extremely sleepy, stretching and yawning at the same time.

Sialoquent. Being spit on by a presenter when sitting in the front row.

Wabbit. A Scottish term for being exhausted. Not a result of a speech impedeent, such as “Siwwy Wabbit.”

Snollygoster. a politician who does or says things for their own personal advancement instead of following their own principles. Hmmm…sounds familiar.

Erinaceous. something or someone who resembles a hedgehog. If someone ever says that you are looking quite erinaceous today, you know now to give them a penetrating, evil glare.

Bibble. those people in a restaurant who drink and/or eat noisily.

Impignorate. No, not impregnate.  It means to pawn or mortgage something.

Nudiustertian: a word for the day before yesterday.  Interestingly there is no English word for “day after tomorrow” so you can use the Georgian word “Zeg.”  Seriously, why don’t we have a word for that in English?

Quire. two dozen of something is called a “quire.”

Ratoon. not raccoon.  Its that small shoot or growth that comes from the root of a plant. I think we call these “suckers” in the US.

Xertz. This also refers to eating food quickly and/or greedily, gulping it down.

Zoanthropy. a person who has delusions that they are a form of animal or that they have changed into an animal.

Pauciloquent. someone who doesn’t say much or who, when giving a speech, gives a very short one…a person of few words, without having to say that whole long statement.

Bloviate. people who talk for a long period of time or who inflate their story to make themselves sound better. This also refers to someone whose words are empty and have no meaning. (Root word is Bolivian…Just kidding).

Borborygm. that rumbling you sometimes get in your stomach

Absquatulate. The act of leaving suddenly. It can also mean that someone has absconded with something, as well.

Comeuppance: From the 1920s meaning that someone will get what they deserve or will “get their just desserts.”

Nincompoop. someone who is silly, foolish, or just downright stupid. It was used regularly in the 1950s and 60s but is still quite a fun word to say.

Share O

Crepuscular: Of or relating to twilight.

Tmesis:  Cutting a word in two and sticking another word in the middle – and the other word is usually a swear. As in "abso-fucking-lutely". From the Greek tmēsis, "cutting".

Petrichor: "The pleasant smell that accompanies the first rain after a dry spell

Lucubration: The product of laborious study. The implication, usually, is that the person whose lucubration it is has indeed worked long and hard through the night – but it's still not very good. From lucubrare, Latin for "to work by lamplight".

Eisenbahnscheinbewegung: the false sensation of movement when, looking out from a stationary train, you see another train depart.

Oenophile:  A lover of wine. Not to be confused with an "alcoholic".

Flahoolick: From flaithulach, Irish Gaelic for "very generous".

Hiraeth : A Welsh word with no direct English translation that means something like: "A homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past19.

Aeolist: "A pompous person, pretending to have inspiration or spiritual insight." Another useful one on the internet.

Panglossian: An extremely optomistic person, even in the face of hardship or adversity.

Zugzwang: A German word meaning "compulsion to move", relating to chess: When it's your move, but there is no move you can make which won't make your situation worse. In real life, it's sort of like when you clearly have to say something, but there is nothing you can say which won't make you look like an idiot or a freak.

Paralipsis: Share On facebook Share

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The rhetorical device of pretending that the point you're about to make is so obvious that you don't need to make it.

Prolix: Share On facebook Share

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Of a person "given to speaking or writing at great or tedious length". Or of a piece of writing or speech of great, boring, and probably unnecessary length.

Agaffe: The wire thingy that holds the cork on a champaign bottle

Agerasia:  Looking younger than one actually is

Hadeharia:  The practice of constantly using the word “hell”in speaking.

Strikhedonia:  The pleasuurable feeling of saying “to hell with it.”

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It is a verb meaning "to overuse a word or phrase that has been recently added to one's vocabulary", or "to learn a word and then use it incessantly". So its like, when you like us a word and, like it gets, like, annoying.

Ventripotent:  Big bellied, gluttonous

Slubberdegullion:  A filthy, slobbering person

Polyphloisborian:  Making a loud noise

Roytish: Wild, unruly

 

 

4 Never argue with a fool...he may be doing the same thing. (GreenMonk) #thedailyjeff

5 If nobody hates you, you must be really boring. #thedailyjeff

3 Warning! The Vikings are coming to abduct all the beautiful people! Don’t worry…you are OK. I just wanted to say good-bye! #thedailyjeff

5 So apparently RSVPing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response. (an.) #thedailyjeff

4 I realize that honesty is the best policy, but isn’t insanity a much better legal defense? #thedailyjeff

3 Who called them fake potatoes and not imitators?  (An.) #thedailyjeff

Why don’t faith healers work in hospitals? #thedailyjeff

I’ve never met a tough person that had an easy childhood.  #thedailyjeff

“For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity or perception to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication.” (Friedrich Nietzsche) #thedailyjeff

 

“No doubt alcohol, tobacco, and so forth, are things that a saint must avoid; but sainthood is also a thing that human beings must avoid.” (George Orwell)  #thedailyjeff

 

“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” (William Faulkner) #thedailyjeff

"One should always be drunk. That's all that matters... But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you choose. But get drunk." (Charles Baudelaire —Petits poèmes en prose: Le spleen de Paris) #thedailyjeff

“I drink so that I may suffer twice as much!" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky —Crime and Punishment) #thedailyjeff

 “You shall know them by their truth.” (an.) #thedailyjeff

Quote from Mayor of Seattle:  “I frequented that coffee shop once.” First of all, coffee….Seattle…duh.  Second, how can you frequent a place only one time?  #thedailyjeff

The USA is, since our founding, a religiously tolerant and accepting country – until recently. To deny this is to fail to learn from history.   President John Adams said in best 1797, “As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion, as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Mussulmen [Muslims].”  In fact, emigration of religious groups has been the cornerstone of our country.  Remember the Protestants in 1620 (Mayflower)?  Oy! Then there were the Catholics that emigrated from England to Maryland in 1630-1645. The Spanish Catholics colonizing California?  The French Catholics in Louisiana in the 1800s?  The Jewish refugees from Brazil that established in New Amsterdam (New York) in 1658?  The Quakers who emigrated from England around 1680 to Rhode Island and after persecution went on to found, with their leader William Penn, Pennsylvania?  How about those Lutherans, Mennonites, Dunkers, Schwenkfelders, Moravians, and German Baptists that came here from Germany in the mid-18th century?  #thedailyjeff

Everyone seems to be so concerned about Muslims entering the United States but what about those Schwenkfelders.  True, they came to Philadelphia in 1731, but gosh, can’t you people see what these different religions have done to ruin our country?  Or what about those Spanish Catholics in California or the French ones in Louisianna? How about those Jewish refugees from Brazil that established in New Amsterdam (New York) in 1658?  Or the Quakers from England (1680) that founded Rhode Island and went on to found, with their leader William Penn, Pennsylvania?  How about those Lutherans, Mennonites, Dunkers, Moravians, and German Baptists that came here from Germany in the mid-18th century?  Clearly society as we know it has been crushed by these outsiders ;>)  #thedailyjeff

4 Love isn’t blind.  What we are blind to is our fear of not being loved.  (yea, I made this up.  Depressing huh?)  #thedailyjeff

4 Don’t be phony or calculating.  Someone else might be doing the same thing to you.  #thedailyjeff

4- Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.  #thedailyjeff

 

4- There are very, very few things it's OK to say to someone at the next urinal. "You should take more vitamins" is certainly not one of them.   #thedailyjeff

 

4  Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about menstruation.  That will do it.  #thedailyjeff

 

4 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 "Of course I'm in shape. Isn't round a shape?" (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

4 It’s not weird to talk to yourself. It’s only weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself. #thedailyjeff

 

4 I wonder if anyone has ever considered the irony of being AGAINST abortion but FOR capital punishment.  #thedailyjeff

 

4 I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three times just to be sure.  #thedailyjeff

 

4  With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. #thedailyjeff

 

4 “About 15% of Americans are screwballs, lightweights, and boobs. And you don't want people like that not represented in Congress.” (Former Senator Alan Simpson)   #thedailyjeff

 

4 Skype conversations: 5% Hey, how are you? 95% CAN YOU HEAR ME?!? #thedailyjeff

 

4 “Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.”  (P. J. O'Rourke)   #thedailyjeff

 

4  Here is my solution to the homeless problem.  Get them in the military.  Better food, clothes, healthcare, training and housing.  Discuss...  #thedailyjeff  (J)

 

4- “The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you.”  (John E. Southard)  #thedailyjeff

 

4 Those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do.   (Isaac Asimov) #thedailyjeff

 

4 “The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants a woman, as the most dangerous plaything.” (Friedrich Nietzsche)   #thedailyjeff

 

4 “Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.” (Steven Wright)   #thedailyjeff

 

5 Apparently menstruating women are filled with Windex.  At least that’s what it looks like on TV commercials.

 

4 Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women. (An.)   #thedailyjeff

 

4 If you are colorblind, is it even possible to be a racist? #thedailyjeff  (J)

 

5 How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? (Niel W.) #thedailyjeff

 

4 “Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.”  (Franz Schubert)  #thedailyjeff

 

4 “You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” (Epicurus)  #thedailyjeff

 

4 “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.” (Spike Milligan)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 "The world doesn’t need any of us to think smaller – the world needs us all to dream bigger, to be bolder, and to figure out what makes us come alive." Abby Falik  #thedailyjeff

 

3 My phone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyway. (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeff

 

What is the opposite of irony?  Wrinkly. #thedailyjeff

4 The word “immature” is just a word that boring people use to describe fun people, right? (An.) #thedailyjeff

3 Why can you wear a hoodie every day of the year & nobody cares…but if you dare wear a shirt twice in a week you're suddenly a freakish homeless person? #thedailyjeff

4 New study says you will believe anything that starts off with "new study says." (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeff

5 Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.  #thedailyjeff

4 If swearing is immature, why is it referred to as 'adult language'? (an) #thedailyjeff

4 Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body. (an.) #thedailyjeff

4 I don't know why it's necessary to get a glass dirty when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle. (an.) #thedailyjeff

I just love the dumb stuff politicians say:

"Jeb Bush likes illegals because of his wife." (Trump on Twitter, later deleted)

"If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?” (Trump on Twitter, later deleted)

"I would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers, on this special date, September 11th." (Trump on Twitter)

3 I hear that Caitlyn Jenner has created a new line of lipstick.  The list of retailers signing up to sell it are Home Depot, Checker Auto Parts and Dick’s Sporting Goods.

 

4 OK, some straight talk about bells.  They don't actually have a dong. That's just the sound that they make. 

 

3 Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I shouldn't have said out loud, but still meant.

3 OK, this is just weird.  The word for “speed” in Norwegian is “Fart.” The Norwegian word for fart is fjert.  Next time I get stopped by the police I’ll say, “Yes I was speeding.  Can’t you smell it?” 

 

3 Gray hair is just your body’s way of saying you’re low on toner. (Cyberbully)

 

3 I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time. (Cyberbully)

 

3 I am soooo close to winning the lottery. This time I was only off by 6 numbers. #thedailyjeff

 

2 I wonder if you can barcode scan a Zebra and it tells you, like, how much it costs, if it is organic, non-GMO, artismal, free range, gluten free, and if there is a certain kind of tofu that goes with it.

 

3 Even if there is liquid water on Mars I’m not going to drink it.  Who knows where it’s been….



2 I know lights can have a dimmer switch, but I strongly advise not putting them on people. Most are already dim enough as it is.

 

3 It’s just sad that there are still people out there that have a favorite Kardashian and are considering voting for Trump.

 

4 The worst thing about babies is how little they appreciate all the sleep they get. (goldengateblond)

 

4 I’d like to meet the first guy that saw a horse and said, “Hey I’m going to sit on that thing, enslave it and make it take me places.” 

 

3 It is a lot more fun when looking at a Where’s Waldo book you pretend that he’s homeless and off his meds.

 

5 "When you're finished changing, you're finished." Ben Franklin

 

3 Adaptability is about the powerful difference between adapting to cope and adapting to win. (Max McKeown)

 

5 The art of life is a constant readjustment to our surroundings. (Kakuzo Okakaura)

 

5 Adaptability is not imitation. It means power of resistance and assimilation. --Mahatma Gandhi

 

3 “People will try to tell you that all the great opportunities have been snapped up. In reality, the world changes every second, blowing new opportunities in all directions, including yours.” (Ken Hakuta)

 

3 A wise man adapts himself to circumstances, as water shapes itself to the vessel that contains it. (Chinese Proverb)

 

3 The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change. --Bill Clinton

 

"Change or die." (Alan Deutschman)

I feel really humble, but (fortunately) I have the strength of character to fight it.”  (Bob Hope)

5 If your whole worth is based on someone patting you on the back, get over it.

 

4 OK, I’ll rise, but I absolutely refuse to shine.

 

Shoutout to people who are hard of hearing!

 

3 The hardest part about becoming vegan is having to wake up at 5:00 am to milk the almonds. (Xyuppi)

 

4 Scientists say that coffee has 1200 compounds vs. wine that only has 200-300.  But they both share an addictive compound:  Crack.

Rock journalism: People who can't write, talking about people who can't sing, for people who can't read. (John Dietrich)  #thedailyjeff

3 Note to self: Next time, don't use "continue" as the Safe Word. (Cyberbully)

 

4 When you have kids the phrase “You can sleep when you’re dead” becomes dangerously persuasive.  (Dad and buried)

 

3 “I’m going to put this thing right here so I won’t forget where I’ve put it.” What I said right before I lost the thing forever. (So tired)

4 If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.

4 You can’t make someone else’s choices.  You shouldn’t let someone else make yours. (Colin Powell)  #thedailyjeff

 

4 This guy gave me a free copy of his book today. An actual printed copy! I had no idea they were still doing this kind of thing. It's fancy.  #thedailyjeff

 

4 "4 out of 5 dentists recommend sugarless gum. That means 1 in 5 dentists has business sense." #thedailyjeff

 

4 Any person can be nice to your face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind your back...unless you have a really great back. #thedailyjeff (J)

 

How I view dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Poodle, Pitbull, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat.  #thedailyjeff

 

There's literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.  #thedailyjeff

 

 

4  Some people have been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now they may as well call them traditions #thedailyjeff

 

4 When you say "liar pants on fire," it makes you a liar too. Their pants probably aren't on fire.  #thedailyjeff

 

2 How strange.  Driving into work today someone flashed ½ a peace sign at me.

 

4 Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

 

3 Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

 

2 I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish

 

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only ten minutes without Wi-Fi.

 

3 “Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened.” (Dr. Seuss)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” (Marilyn Monroe)  #thedailyjeff

 

2“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching. Love like you'll never be hurt. Sing like there's nobody listening. And live like it's heaven on earth.” (William W. Purkey)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” (André Gide)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.” (Sam Levenson)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.”  (Ronald Reagan)  #thedailyjeff

 

“I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.”  (Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey) #thedailyjeff

“To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.” (Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey) #thedailyjeff

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.” (Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey) #thedailyjeff

 

“When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.” (Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey) #thedailyjeff

 

“If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.” (Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey) #thedailyjeff

 

4 There are billions of tiny little creatures crawling all over your skin. They’re called bacteria. Right now. At this very moment. #thedailyjeff

 

3 The enemy is fear. We think it is hate, but it is fear. (Mahatma Gandhi) #thedailyjeff

3 I don’t understand why when we destroy something created by man we call it vandalism, but when we destroy something created by nature we call it progress. (Ed Begley, Jr. ) #thedailyjeff

4 Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance. (Plato) #thedailyjeff

3 “There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”  (Plato) #thedailyjeff

3 “A friend to all is a friend to none.” (Aristotle) #thedailyjeff

2 What it lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do. (Aristotle) #thedailyjeff

3 The most thought-provoking thing in our thought-provoking time is that we are still not thinking. (Martin Heidegger) #thedailyjeff

2 A couple years from now, everything you’re stressing about won’t even matter. Keep moving forward. (An.) #thedailyjeff

3 What people say about you is a manifestation of their own thoughts. It says more about them than about you. Learn not to take it personally. (An.) #thedailyjeff

4 “Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.” (An.) #thedailyjeff

4 I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life. (Ziad K. Abdelnou)  #thedailyjeff

3 My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying. (An.) #thedailyjeff

3 “Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.” (An.) #thedailyjeff

Is there anything in this world that isn’t full of gluten? How about rum and steak?  You’re welcome.  #thedailyjeff

4 OK this is my new philosophy about colors: “color” is less a physical fact than a theoretical construct created in our brains.    #thedailyjeff

 

4 I just saw a guy with a "Support Dyslexia" bumper sticker on the front of his car.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 I'll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

4 You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look. (cyberbully)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Want a friend in Washington?  Get a dog.” (Harry Truman)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again. (George Miller)  #thedailyjeff

 

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

4 I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

3 When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like...  trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun. (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

4 “You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.” (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

 

4 “Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.” (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

3 “Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.” (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

3 This Easter season I’m giving up picking my belly button for lint.  (an.) #thedailyjeff

4 “People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.” (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

 

4 “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

3 “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” (George Carlin) #thedailyjeff

3 “The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” (Voltaire) #thedailyjeff

3 “A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation.” (James Clarke) #thedailyjeff

3 Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 I love technology, but when I entered what I ate today into my fitness app it sent an ambulance to my house.  #thedailyjeff

 

4 Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Books can be dangerous. The best ones should be labeled "This could change your life.” 
(Helen Exley)  #thedailyjeff

 

4 “Words are like people, I think. Put too many of them too close together and they cause trouble.” (Carolee Dean) #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Don't use yesterday's state of mind, to make today's decision.” (C. Nzingha Smith) #thedailyjeff

2 You cannot change what you refuse to confront. (An.) #thedailyjeff

3 Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (An.) #thedailyjeff

3 "Religion hinges upon faith, politics hinges upon who can tell the most convincing lies or maybe just shout the loudest, but science hinges upon whether its conclusions resemble what actually happens." (Ian Stewart) #thedailyjeff

 

3 "Happiness is good health and a bad memory." (Ingrid Bergman) #thedailyjeff

 

3 "As I get older I notice the years less and the seasons more." (John Hubbard) #thedailyjeff

 

3 Do not dwell on the past. Your history cannot be erased, but your future has yet to be written, so make the most of what is going to happen instead of worrying about what you cannot change. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

3 What screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads about how it is supposed to be. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

3 Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

4 My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now.  #thedailyjeff

4 “It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snow blower and vacuum cleaner.” (Ben Bergor)  #thedailyjeff

4 “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” (Jeff Valdez)  #thedailyjeff

 

3 From now on instead of saying ‘have a nice day’ I’m going to start saying ‘Have the day you deserve’ and let karma sort out the rest.

 

3 New definition for motivation:  Comparing where you are now and where you want to be, then actually doing something about it.

 

3 Kind of sad in a way.  Mortgage companies always insist that you are well endowed before they lend you money.

 

4 If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention. (Xyuppi)

 

3 A real modern miracle would be for a Saint to turn water into reasonably priced gasoline.

 

3 It used to be that I’d go out of my way to attend an event if there was a free t-shirt involved.  Now it’s more like if there is free beer.  

 

3 I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don't have a cat. (Xyuppi)

 

3 Every school is trying to reduce truancy. In Texas high schools 10 unexcused absences is a criminal offence, which the State wants to reduce to a misdemeanor.  Their reasoning is that truancy should not be ‘criminalized,’ and instead it is the responsibility of the schools to initiate programs to reduce truancy.  Here is the problem:  Is it really the school’s responsibility?  What about the responsibility of the student and his or her parent to get their asses to school?

 

2 New words:  “invite,” as a substitute for invitation (pronounced IN-vite, rather than in-VITE, as in “here is your invite to our webinar” and “laise” a verb substitute for collaborate or coordinate, as in “I’ll have my people liase with yours”

 

4 “Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "…and then everything burst into flames.”  (Brian P. Cleary) #thedailyjeff 

 

4 Begin somewhere; you cannot build a reputation on what you intend to do.” (Liz Smith) #thedailyjeff

 

3 “Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” (Arnold Bennett) #thedailyjeff

 

5 “Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.” (Mark Twain) #thedailyjeff

 

5 "I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it." (Steven Wright) #thedailyjeff

 

4 "If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." (Alice Roosevelt Longworth) #thedailyjeff

 

4 "If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?" (Will Rogers) #thedailyjeff

 

4 "Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." (Voltaire 1694-1778)  #thedailyjeff

5 Too many people buy things they don’t need with money they don’t have to impress people they don’t know. (Rich Dad, Poor Dad)  #thedailyjeff

4 If a person wants to be a part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so.  Think twice before reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay. (An.) #thedailyjeff

5 The only normal people you know are the ones you don’t know very well. (An.) #thedailyjeff

5 Falling in love is not a choice.  To stay in love is. (An.) #thedailyjeff

3 If you can’t be kind, at least be vague. JUDITH MARTIN

3 Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

3 The talk you hear about adapting to change is not only stupid, it’s dangerous. The only way you can manage change is to create it. PETER F. DRUCKER

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. WENDELL JOHNSON

Happiness is not a goal. It is a by-product. ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

I want to meet the man who saw a turtle and said, “People will LOVE the ninja version of that.” JONAH HILL

Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it. ANDRÉ GIDE

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say, “Because it’s such a beautiful animal.” There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. ELLEN DEGENERES

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There’s nothing to do but stand there and take it. LYNDON JOHNSON           

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” (George Bernard Shaw)  #thedailyjeff

4 “Reality continues to ruin my life.” (Bill Watterson)  #thedailyjeff

4 “Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can.” (Nicholas Sparks)  #thedailyjeff

5 “The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.” (Isaac Asimov)  #thedailyjeff

4 “I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.” (Maya Angelou)  #thedailyjeff

4 I just realized why they are called 'selfies.' It’s because the only one who's interested in them is yourself.  #thedailyjeff

4 I suspect that whoever named that Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.

5 My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

Hmmmmm…Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.

4 Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you. (An.) #thedailyjeff

5 Be happy.  Be yourself.  If others don’t like it, then let them be.  Happiness is a choice.  Life isn’t about pleasing everybody. (An.) #thedailyjeff

4 When you’re up, your friends know who you are.  When you’re down, you know who your friends are. (An.) #thedailyjeff

4 Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems; look for someone who will face them with you. (An.) #thedailyjeff

4 No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. (An.) #thedailyjeff

4 You don’t drown by falling in the water.  You drown by staying there. (An.) #thedailyjeff

4 My corollary to the phrase “A watched pot never boils.”  A watched software update never loads.

5 Embrace vulnerability.  What makes you unique makes you vulnerable. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

3 It would be great if you could order karma and have it delivered like flowers.  #thedailyjeff

 

4 If you say "gullible" really slow it sounds like "Oranges."  Try it.  #thedailyjeff

 

5 There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030. (Sounds like Stephen Wright) #thedailyjeff

 

4 If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?  #thedailyjeff

 

4 Admitting you’re an asshole is actually the first in a 12 step process.  #thedailyjeff

 

5 Deep thought:  Have you ever considered that the tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money? #thedailyjeff

 

4 “This is a good sign having a broken heart.  It means you have tried for something.”  (Elizabeth Washington) #thedailyjeff

4 “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t.  The problem is, they are usually married to each other.”  (Ann Landers) #thedailyjeff

4 I thought someone was saying I was “poetry in motion” until I realized they really said “pottery in motion.”  Time to diet I guess. #thedailyjeff

4 One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent you definitely want to avoid having demonic children. #thedailyjeff

4 Next time someone wants to start a fight with you just say, "Please. For God’s sake, not during Toyotathon!" #thedailyjeff

"Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something." The last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923), #thedailyjeff

 "Throughout history, people with new ideas--who think differently and try to change things--have always been called troublemakers." (Richelle Mead) #thedailyjeff

"There are no old roads to new directions." (The Boston Consulting Group) #thedailyjeff

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." (Andre Gide) #thedailyjeff

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it." (Alan Kay) #thedailyjeff

"If at first the idea is not absurd, then there will be no hope for it."  (A. Einstein) #thedailyjeff

"The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.” (A. Clarke) #thedailyjeff

"If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old." (Peter F. Drucker) #thedailyjeff

"Dreamers are mocked as impractical. The truth is they are the most practical, as their innovations lead to progress and a better way of life for all of us." (Robin S. Sharma) #thedailyjeff

I'd rather be a smart ass who knows it, than a dumb ass who doesn't. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.#thedailyjeff

 

When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane. (Unknown) #thedailyjeff

 

3 Worry is a misuse of the imagination. #thedailyjeff

 

2 “It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.” (Edmund Hillary)  

 

4 There is surely nothing that can top what Pope Francis gave up for Lent.  #thedailyjeff

 

4   "Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." (Will Rogers)   #thedailyjeff

 

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward." (Vernon Law)  (Jeff adds, she also eventually kills all her students too) #thedailyjeff

 

4 "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."  (Winston Churchill)   #thedailyjeff

 

3 "Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know." (Michel Eyquem de Montaigne)   #thedailyjeff

 

Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. JOHN WOODEN

Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. JOSHUA J. MARINE   #thedailyjeff

 

3 I just want someone to love me half as much as my dog loves anyone.  #thedailyjeff

 

4 When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them. #thedailyjeff

 

4 Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print Spandex pants on.  #thedailyjeff

 

3 They keep asking me when my birthday is at the pharmacy. I think they're planning a party for me this year.   #thedailyjeff

 

 4 If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami, or salami?   #thedailyjeff

 

Take my advice — I'm obviously not using it. #thedailyjeff

 

You think Halloween comes only once a year? Wrong. Walk into Walmart at 3 in the morning. People dress like its Halloween every day. #thedailyjeff

 

They should start naming hurricanes after ghetto names.  Wouldn't you be scared of a hurricane Sha'Nay Nay?   #thedailyjeff

 

Guys insult each other, but they really don't mean it. Women complement each other but they don't mean it either.  Explain.  #thedailyjeff

 

Natural selection would tell us that dumber people die more often than smart people.  It has been proven that they make poorer decisions, smoke more, drive riskier cars, eat poorly and engage in riskier behavior.  If that is true, shouldn't we as a society be getting smarter because the dumber people are dying out?   #thedailyjeff

 

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... It's just sick that one enjoys it.   #thedailyjeff

 

Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games up to that point?” #thedailyjeff

 

I was wondering who was the first to look at a cow and think: I'd tap that!  #thedailyjeff

 

If you’re having second thoughts about something, you’re two ahead of most people. #thedailyjeff

 

Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jell-O Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons… #thedailyjeff

 

“Being stupid is no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.” (Dr. Sheldon Cooper) #thedailyjeff

“Arguing with stupid people is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the bird will poop on the board and strut around like it won anyway.”  (An.) #thedailyjeff

“Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that.”  (George Carlin) #thedailyjeff

It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye. Then it's just fun and games with a pirate. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Thanks to high school I learned to right good. #thedailyjeff

“I believe we’re having the sort of day that would make even Mother Teresa kick babies.” (Dirk Gently) #thedailyjeff

Famous last words: “Surprise me.”  Bob Hope to his wife when asked where he wanted to be buried. #thedailyjeff

The first man to use abusive language instead of his fists was the founder of civilization. SIGMUND FREUD #thedailyjeff

It's impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap. #thedailyjeff

Me:  “Why are you honking your horn?”  Linda:  “My honking is for everyone (as a general warning).”  Once again, well played.  #thedailyjeff

Honking the car horn:  the universal language that transcends every culture.

If you’re doing nothing, how do you know when you are finished? #thedailyjeff

I used to think I was a man of vision. Now I'm pretty sure they're just hallucinations. (an.) #thedailyjeff

I’ve been waiting all summer to complain about the winter cold. #thedailyjeff

Sometimes, I try to act nonchalant, but underneath I have all kinds of chalant. #thedailyjeff

A joke:  A man in bed with his wife says, "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." #thedailyjeff

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Fruit cobbler sounds like a shoe maker that…OK you get it. #thedailyjeff

If Bill Gates is so rich, why doesn’t he just buy poverty from Africa? #thedailyjeff

Do bankers see debt people? #thedailyjeff

Do accountants see debit people? #thedailyjeff

My wife said she feels safe when I'm next to her in bed. This was a real surprise because our neighbors always scream after I snuggle up to them. (an. ) #thedailyjeff)

 

Pardon me, waiter.  What is "pasto" and why is your Italian appetizer menu so staunchly against it? (an. ) #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

4 Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but let’s be honest.  Neither will milk or orange juice. (an.) #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

3 Smokey the Bear says that only you can prevent forest fires. Don't know which one of you he's talking to, but you’re doing a crappy job so far (an.) #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

3 Parents, please give your child a normal name. No one wants to hire someone with a name that sounds like a Harry Potter spell. (an.) #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

3 Here is how the Director of the National Science Foundation described the science behind #globalwarming:  Imagine your child had cancer, and you went to 100 doctors, 98 of which agreed you could cure him with a certain treatment.  But two said the cure was something else.  What would you do?  Well, the science behind global warming is the same, so why is there even a debate? #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

4 What happened to all the Sour Patch parents? Killed in a tragic accident?  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

4 I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the game so I may need new meds... #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

4 Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. (Joey Adams) #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

3 I would never want my dog to talk.  Just think of all the embarrassing things he would share.   #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

3 There is this sign at work that says “In case of fire use the stairs.”  I seems to me that water would work better. (An.) #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

3 Friends may come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

  

4 Wine may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

4 There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. (deep thinker & serious drunkard Oscar Wilde)   #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

4 “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.” Lilly Tomlin   #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

4 Philosophical question:  Is there really such a thing as a hole?  Isn't a hole the absence of something rather than a real thing?  Discuss.  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

 

4 When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

4 It's pretty sad that even in 2017 chameleons care so much about skin color.    #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

4  NEVER say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Louis Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.  (H. Jackson Brown Jr.)  Jeff adds, you also have the same amount of time as the guy who cleans toilets at Taco Bell, the homeless woman on the side of the freeway exit, the roofer that has to work in the middle of the summer, the prisoner, and the welfare recipient.  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

4 I'm a man with a dream. A very simple dream, mostly involving cookies and beer, but a dream nonetheless.  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

4 According to the Associated Press, New Jersey passed a ban on the death penalty. They determined being in New Jersey was punishment enough.  (Unknown) #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. (Brendan Gill)   #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

It is OK to be 'born to be wild' but make sure you live to outgrow it. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

 

Do Mexican killers have locomotives? #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

Atheism is a non-profit organization. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

In the next 20 years every organization will fundamentally change. Those that don't will not survive. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

Having a common name, I wonder if you never met me what you would guess about me from these names:  Jeff Johnson, T’Qanda Johnson, Trong Li Johnson, Jose Johnson, Harshod Johnson, or Mohommed Johnson.  If you are like me this taps into some natural biases.  It is human nature that we do this.  It’s just part of our DNA.  So make sure you don’t name your child like it came out of a Harry Potter book. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

Regret for wasted time is more wasted time.  (An.) #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

“I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time.”  (Charles Schulz)  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

Who in a million years would think we would actually be talking about wiener emails? #thedailyjeff

 

My wife just opened the car door for me.  It would have been nice except we were going 70 miles per hour. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde in The Picture of Dorian Gray.  #thedailyjeff

 

What has two ears, but can't hear? Grandpa!  (an.)  #thedailyjeff

 

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.  (an.)  #thedailyjeff

 

Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

Does liking a sad status update mean I’m sympathetic for them or I like that they are sad?  (an.)  #thedailyjeff

 

Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.  (an.)  #thedailyjeff

 

People tend to repeat mistakes made by others over the generations, not learning from them.  (an.)  #thedailyjeff

 

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  Shouldn't that be an even number?   #thedailyjeff

 

My favorite mythical creature? The truthful politician.  #thedailyjeff

 

I’m not fat, I’m just... easier to see.   #thedailyjeff

 

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.  (an.)  #thedailyjeff

 

 

 

Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice.  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

Fear and loathing have shaken me to the very core of my being.  Well, at least that’s my most plausible excuse for not dieting.  #thedailyjeff

 

If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don't: technically, you did. #thedailyjeff

Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn't cute.  #thedailyjeff

 

Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can't spell.  #thedailyjeff

 

The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses must have been a hell of a salesman.  #thedailyjeff

 

Called a doctor who said he'd been practicing for 30 years. So I’m waiting for him to get it right before I make an appointment.  #thedailyjeff

 

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just logic my friends.  #thedailyjeff

 

It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.  #thedailyjeff

 

A word of advice for those who use online dating sites.  If he/she says they live in a gated community it usually means prison.  #thedailyjeff

 

You make sparks by rubbing sticks together.  Not keeping them apart.  So dialogue, even if it is contentious, is still valuable.  #thedailyjeff

Here’s a paradox.  The longer you stay home the more homeless you look.  I’m talking to you, Mr. Guy in his yogurt-stained pajamas in the window next door. #thedailyjeff

 

Math fact. When you put 2 and 2 together it creates 22.  You have to ADD them to make 4. #thedailyjeff

 

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they're born AND after they're dead. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

When describing any part of your wife's body, the word 'freakishly' is never, ever appropriate. Apparently. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

 

pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐıןɐɹʇsnɐ uɐ ʇɥbnoq ı #thedailyjeff

 

I always found it a little counter-productive when the teacher would say “Don’t get smart with me!” (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

How has sound technology come so far & yet the fast food drive-thru still sounds like someone is saying “wha…wha…wha…wha” into a child’s walkie-talkie. #thedailyjeff

 

If you ask me, "as good as sliced bread" is a pretty low bar for greatness. #thedailyjeff

 

I've dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I'm getting smokin' hot is by getting cremated. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person of the Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged... (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

 

What am I supposed to do with this information? Feel guilty? #thedailyjeff http://ee.usatoday.com/Subscribers/shared/ShowArticle.aspx?doc=USA%2F2016%2F12%2F19&entity=Ar01000&sk=7E1E32FC

 

 

Some people have a pretty big ass.  So when you are getting something half-assed from them it is still pretty impressive. #thedailyjeff

 

Heard someone saying they have gone “totally paperless.” I think that presents a problem in the bathroom and I sure as hell won’t shake their hand. #thedailyjeff

 

My wife and I are planning to adopt a dog.  It wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me we can’t have one biologically. #thedailyjeff

 

Listing on eBay:  For sale.  Used Christmas tree.  Cheap, but might be a fire hazard. #thedailyjeff

 

“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it.  Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and for their kids pay for it.”  (Richard D. Lamm) #thedailyjeff

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today. #thedailyjeff

Received a Christmas card from friends showing their kids… but including the parents would have made it a Halloween card. #thedailyjeff

 

Just read that Uber now has a new “no sex with patrons” policy.  Since this seems to be a problem, it is understandable why they are in such a hurry to go to driverless cars.  #thedailyjeff

I keep thinking about that idiot that shot up a pizza parlor because he thought Hillary Clinton was running a child sex ring there.  Clearly the gun licensing process should also require an IQ test. #thedailyjeff

They say the human brain sees patterns where there are none. (An.)  This explains conspiracy theories, harebrained ideas and biases.  #thedailyjeff

Tragically hilarious and potential Darwin Award recipients.  Two hunters, thinking the other was an intruder, shot each other, then tried to blame it on illegal aliens.  #thedailyjeff http://www.cbs7.com/content/news/Presidio-County-Sheriff-Currently-no-sufficient-evidence-of-border-violence-410175185.html

When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people. (An.) #thedailyjeff

The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always seeing a few scary clowns in Washington. #thedailyjeff

Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It's really a cold water heater. #thedailyjeff

I’m proud of the fact that I’m really good at making decisions. I didn't say the decisions I made were good. #thedailyjeff

The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second and third rule just to be sure. (An.) #thedailyjeff

How come Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around and nobody says anything? #thedailyjeff

My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier. #thedailyjeff

The Electoral College: the worst college since Trump University. #thedailyjeff

It's true, alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it? (Florida) #thedailyjeff

Is a ‘landlady’ the opposite of a ‘mermaid’? #thedailyjeff

I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan. #thedailyjeff

Indecision is the key to flexibility. #thedailyjeff

 

Dyslexics of the world untie!! (The Far Side) #thedailyjeff

 

“I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.   (Stephen Fry)   #thedailyjeff

 

“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.” (Samuel Goldwyn)    #thedailyjeff

 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.(W.C. Fields) #thedailyjeff

 

 

 

Ever consider the idea that "Newt Gingrich" sounds like the name of a villain that JK Rowling made up?  #thedailyjeff

 

I had to use a payphone the other day and when I put the receiver to my ear, it was like there was jelly on it. Well that’s what it tasted like. #thedailyjeff

 

Trying to get the image out of my mind of what a skinless, boneless chicken would look like.  #thedailyjeff

 

At what age is it appropriate to tell friends that they're imaginary? Asking for a friend. #thedailyjeff

 

“He who cannot forgive others destroys a bridge over which he himself must pass.” (George Herbert)  #thedailyjeff

 

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.” (H. Jackson Brown Jr.) Jeff adds, I'm afraid of you.  #thedailyjeff

 

None of us is as dumb as all of us.   #thedailyjeff

 

They say you must be the change you want to see in the world. So apparently if you want me to dress better, change your shirt.   #thedailyjeff (J)

 

“You can have anything you want if you are willing to give up the belief that you can't have it.” (Robert Anthony)  Jeff adds...OK, I don't want a million dollars.  #thedailyjeff

..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season  #Thedailyjeff

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh. #Thedailyjeff

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach #Thedailyjeff

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager  #Thedailyjeff

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president #Thedailyjeff

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson  #Thedailyjeff

“I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?”  Eminem  #Thedailyjeff

“There are all kinds of stupid people that annoy me but what annoys me most is a lazy argument.”  Christopher Hitchens #Thedailyjeff

“Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” Marilyn Monroe  #Thedailyjeff

 

“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”  Robert Bloch  #Thedailyjeff

 

“How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”” (An.) #Thedailyjeff

 

I refuse to apologize for being male, white, Midwestern, educated, or privileged…I earned all of them.  #thedailyjeff

 

Heard a man talking about voting the other day.  He kept referring to voter verification as ‘voter suppression.’  So I guess he means verifying that you are who you say you are is ‘suppression?’  I guess driver’s licenses, insurance cards, Social Security Cards, your company ID, your mortgage, credit card and other things are suppressing too.  I had no idea. #thedailyjeff

Today’s inspirational quote: Whatever that mean thing was that you were just about to say…don’t say it. #thedailyjeff

 

Today’s inspirational quote: Whenever you're feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too.  #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings.  They did it by killing all people who opposed them. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation. #thedailyjeff

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. #thedailyjeff

"Speakers who talk about what life has taught them never fail to keep the attention of their listeners." (Zig Ziglar) Jeff adds, “Huh? What does this mean?” #thedailyjeff

"Action is the real measure of intelligence." (Napoleon Hill) Jeff adds…on the contrary, there are plenty of idiots in this world who are constantly taking action that either goes nowhere or is actively counterproductive.  #thedailyjeff

 "Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting." (Napoleon Hill)  Jeff adds…I have no idea what this means. #thedailyjeff

“I won't go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I've ever felt to home." (Kanye West) #thedailyjeff

 

"It's put everything into perspective. I have a different respect now for people who don't have legs." (Jessie J after breaking her foot) #thedailyjeff

 

“All of a sudden, you're like the Bin Laden of America. Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows what I'm going through." (R&B crooner R Kelly) #thedailyjeff

 

"I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they're going to take my creativity from me through my vagina." (Lady Gaga) #thedailyjeff

 

"I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows." (Mariah Carey) #thedailyjeff

 

Then the nurse asks me, "how would you rate your pain?" four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! (Brian Regan) #thedailyjeff

 

Don't drink and drive...you might spill your drink. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Don’t you think that some people are still only alive because it is illegal to run them over with your car? #thedailyjeff

 

“Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.”  Steve Martin #thedailyjeff

 

“I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.” (Bonnie McFarlane) #thedailyjeff

 “A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.”  (Jay Leno) #thedailyjeff

“We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.” (Rita Rudner) #thedailyjeff

“Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”? (Neil DeGrasse Tyson) #thedailyjeff

“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” (David Letterman) #thedailyjeff

“Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.” (Shirley Maclaine) #thedailyjeff

 

“Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.” Dave Barry #thedailyjeff

 

“Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence.” Erma Bombeck #thedailyjeff

 

One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. Comedian Mitch Hedberg  #thedailyjeff

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” Mark Twain  #thedailyjeff

“It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.” Jay Leno  #thedailyjeff

 

“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” Louis C.K. #thedailyjeff

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.” Rita Rudner #thedailyjeff

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.” Joan Rivers  #thedailyjeff

 

A husband is living proof that women can take a joke.  #thedailyjeff

 

Artificial intelligence will never be a match for natural stupidity. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

 3 What does it mean when people say "I can't describe it in words" and then they use words?  #thedailyjeff (J)

 

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, so how did you mess up your shirt that bad? #thedailyjeff  (J)

 

When I die I hope someone puts "In Memory Of Jeff Johnson" in old English lettering across the back windshield of their 1987 Buick Riviera low rider. #thedailyjeff

  

There's nothing scarier than a squirrel who's not afraid of you   #thedailyjeff

 

There are 10 different types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those that don't. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

Haiku of the day:  Facebook status. The sad truth of life.  Haikus are hard.

 

Haiku of the day:  Drone airplanes. Do nothing legislators. Let them meet.

 

Obscure word of the day: Yonic (yō-nēk): “In the shape of a vulva or a vagina.” Analogous to “phallic,” but much less widely known, for some reason. #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure word of the day: Crudivore (kru-dê-vor): An eater of raw food (Obviously Vegetarian sounds better) #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure word of the day: Gastromancy (ˈɡæstrəʊˌmænsɪ):- Telling fortune from the rumblings of the stomach. #thedailyjeff

 

Who would have thought that “nut rage” was a thing? According to USA Today, in 2014, a Korean Air vice president delayed a flight because she was furious about how flight attendants served macadamia nuts, setting off an uproar in what’s now known as the “nut rage.” #thedailyjeff

There is nothing grosser or ruder than someone on the toilet having a loud conversation on their phone. They put that phone up to their mouth…  #thedailyjeff

A million-dollar idea:  Harness the energy from gym workouts.  © thedailyjeff

 

The past doesn’t optimize itself. #thedailyjeff

 

Optimism – is a lack of information. #thedailyjeff

 

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.-http://coolfunnyquotes.com #thedailyjeff

 

Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. #thedailyjeff

 

I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you. #thedailyjeff

My mood is currently swinging between an axe and gasoline. #thedailyjeff

If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it. #thedailyjeff

I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then. #thedailyjeff

You’re not short.  You’re just…um…fun sized. #thedailyjeff

Nerd humor:  For some, life is like a proton…always positive. For others it’s more like an electron…always negative. #thedailyjeff

Obscure word of the day:  Dontopedalogy: Coined by England's Prince Philip meaning the art of putting your foot in your mouth before speaking, or the talent of saying really stupid things at inappropriate times. (I’m not stupid, I’m merely a dontopedalogist!”)  #thedailyjeff

“For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.” (George W Bush)   #thedailyjeff

“I believe there would be many people alive today if there were a death penalty.” (Nancy Reagan)   #thedailyjeff

An idea that will get substantive and immediate action:  Pay politicians minimum wage until they do something good.   #thedailyjeff

Modern society is the bane of evolution because stupidity is seldom fatal. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

If you are having difficulties in your life, job, family, marriage, relationships, finances, etc., please look in the mirror for the source of the problems before you look anywhere else and you’ll see the person who can provide the solution.  #thedailyjeff

I think most of us are usually about as happy as our unhappiest child or grandchild. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

At the very minimum, live your life (and teach your children to live their lives) so you don’t cause embarrassment to your family! Remind your children and your grandchildren that they are a reflection of their family and – ACT ACCORDINGLY! If every person would live their life by that little credo, 80% of the world’s problems would be prevented. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

The problems of the world are going to have to be solved in our homes and not by governments. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

There is no elevator to success. You will have to take the stairs. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

You can’t hug your spouse or kids too much. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Marriages don’t fail; people do. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

It is best to spoil your spouse, not your children. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Making long-term decisions always requires short-term difficulties.  #thedailyjeff

Being a good parent is the hardest and most important job in the world. You are teaching that little person how to be a human being, and to eventually become a parent for the next generation. Just remember today how that cute, spoiled little misbehaving boy or girl that everyone is laughing at now can easily grow up to be a not-so-cute misbehaving teenager and adult if they don’t understand boundaries. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction and seeing the same thing. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

There is nothing wrong about disagreement, so long as we don't become disagreeable. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

The smart man thinks he knows everything, while the wise man knows he does not. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Those who laugh last are usually the ones that are the dumbest. #thedailyjeff

Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often so it is unfamiliar territory. #thedailyjeff

I have decided that farts are actually evil spirits leaving your body.  Therefore they should be celebrated. (Apparently some of you have been celebrating a lot.) #thedailyjeff

Have you ever flexed your foot and it cramps up.  And you think, this is it…this is how life ends. #thedailyjeff

 

I did 500% better on keeping my New Year’s resolution this year.  I made it all the way to January 5. #thedailyjeff

 

Husband’s rule #66 for a happy marriage.  It’s your fault.  #thedailyjeff

 

Husband’s rule #67 for a happy marriage.  In a pinch, use this phrase: “You’re right dear.”  #thedailyjeff

 

Husband’s rule #726 for a happy marriage.  It’s your fault.  And if it is not your fault, then it really is your fault for not figuring out how to make it your fault. (MNV) #thedailyjeff

 

I don’t know about you, but some people make we want to say bad words. #thedailyjeff

 

When will #AbsoluteVodka make a flavor called Absolute Insanity? #thedailyjeff

 

Is following someone on Facebook the 21st century equivalent of stalking?  #thedailyjeff

 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

To succeed in life you need three things:  A wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. (An) #thedailyjeff

 

“Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.”  (Thor Heyerdahl) #thedailyjeff

 

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” (Robin Williams) #thedailyjeff

 

“One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.” (Samuel Jackson) #thedailyjeff

 

“I think the word ‘pregnant’ is funny.”  (Tracy Morgan) #thedailyjeff

 

“Instant gratification takes too long.”  (Carrie Fisher) #thedailyjeff

 

What does it mean when a stationary store moves? #thedailyjeff

 

When I was a kid my menu consisted of two choices:  Eat it or leave it. #thedailyjeff

 

“…Do not lead us not into temptation…just tell us where it is so we can find it.”  (Sam Levinson) #thedailyjeff

 

Nerd trivia:  The origin of the word “bug” in reference to tech:  Admiral Grace Hopper discovered a moth in the Harvard Mark II, an early room-sized computer that caused it to break down.  #thedailyjeff

 

Nerd trivia:  The origin of the word “Bluetooth:” Harald Blåtand Gormsson was a Danish king who ruled from roughly 958 to 986. His nickname, Blåtand, means blue tooth. The project that became Bluetooth was a collaborative effort between the warring factions of Intel, IBM, Ericsson, and Nokia, hence the collaborative name that merged not only those factions, but also different forms of tech into one communicative web. The Bluetooth logo is even a combination of the Norse runes for H and B, Harald's initials.  #thedailyjeff

 

Nerd trivia:  The origin of the term “Wiki:” Wiki-Wiki is the name of the shuttle that took designer Ward Cunningham to his hotel from the Honolulu airport on a vacation. Wiki-Wiki is a Hawaiian term for very fast, which Cunningham thought was a good name for his new platform.  #thedailyjeff

 

Nerd trivia:  The origin of the term “robot:” An old Slavic word meaning forced labor, first used by Czech playwright Karel Capek from his science fiction play in 1920 called Rossum's Universal Robots  #thedailyjeff

 

Nerd trivia:  The origin of the term “mouse:” An offhand comment in 1967 by creator Douglas Engelbart.  #thedailyjeff

 

Word nerd:  spiel (spēl, SHpēl/):  a long or fast speech or story, typically one intended as a means of persuasion or as an excuse but regarded with skepticism or contempt by those who hear it.  #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure word of the day: callipygian (kaləˈpijēən):  Having well-shaped buttocks.  “I’m having surgery to become a calliphtian!”  #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure word of the day:  cataglottism (kætəˈɡlɒtɪz(ə)m): Kissing using the tongue, French kissing.  “Kiss me like a cataglottist!”  #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure word of the day:  Antimacassar (æntɪməˈkæsə): Hair oil  #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure word of the day:  Labretifery (leɪbrɪˈtɪfərɪ):  Body piercing of the lip. “Lip piercing” is easier to say.  #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure word of the day:  Obdiplostemonous (ɒbdɪpləʊˈstiːmənəs): a plant that is a hermaphrodite and can, apparently, impregnate itself.  (It’s OK to look up the word Hermaphrodite)  #thedailyjeff

 

What is the essence of intelligence?  “Objectivity makes the difference between a cognitive leap and jumping to a conclusion.”  (Marilyn Vos Savant) #thedailyjeff

 

What is the difference between ignorance and innocence?  “If you are 2 years old and you overturn your plate of spaghetti onto your head at a find restaurant, its innocence.  If you are 32 years old, it’s ignorance.  The reverse is the case for the person who took you there each time.”  (Marilyn Vos Savant) #thedailyjeff

 

How do you evaluate a person’s intellectual ability?  “If a person knows ‘what’ happens, they have average ability; if they know ‘how’ it happens they have superior ability; if they know ‘why’ it happens, they have exceptional ability.”  (Marilyn Vos Savant) #thedailyjeff

 

To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe.  (Marilyn Vos Savant) #thedailyjeff

 

Success is achieved by developing our strengths, not by eliminating our weaknesses.  (Marilyn Vos Savant) #thedailyjeff

 

The length of your education is less important than its breadth, and the length of your life is less important than its depth.  (Marilyn Vos Savant) #thedailyjeff

 

What is the essence of America? The essence of America is finding and maintaining that perfect, delicate balance between freedom to and freedom from.  (Marilyn Vos Savant) #thedailyjeff

 

Most people never forget their first love, but what is most important - relationship-wize - is to never forget your LAST one.  #thedailyjeff

 

Still recovering from National Chocolate Chip Cookie day.  Is there such a thing as Type 5 diabetes?  #thedailyjeff

 

Never ignore a gut feeling, but never believe that it is enough.  (Robert Heller)   #thedailyjeff

 

I’m not saying your opinion is stupid. I’m just saying you’re stupid for having it. #thedailyjeff

 

When asked, "How did you like your steak?" I always reply, "We dated in high school, but now we're just really good friends." #thedailyjeff (J)

 

 “When I was child we had to look things up in dictionary or encyclopedia, uphill both ways in the snow.” (tinynietzsche) #thedailyjeff

 

The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are. The second greatest is being happy with what you find. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

“Never eat more than you can lift.” (Miss Piggy) #thedailyjeff

 

“If you are afraid of failure, then you can’t innovate.”  Dr. Samuel West., curator of the Museum of Failures  #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure regional word: whoopensocker (n.), (Wisconsin) can refer to anything extraordinary of its kind—from a sweet dance move to a knee-melting kiss. #thedailyjeff

 

 

Obscure regional word: arsle (v.), Kentucky, Virginia, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Arkansas: to back out of a place or situation, or to loaf around restlessly.  Think of the word “arse” and you’ll get it. #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure regional word: jabble (v.), Virginia: “to shake up or mix,” but it can also be used less literally, meaning “to confuse or to befuddle.” #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure regional word: sneetered (v.): If you’ve ever been hoodwinked, duped, swindled, fleeced or scammed, you done been sneetered. You can’t even say the word without sounding like you are from Kentucky. #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure regional word: slatchy (adj.), Nantucket: the sky during a fleeting moment of sunshine or blue sky in the middle of a storm. The noun version, slatch, refers to that moment itself. #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure regional word: snoopy (adj.), Maryland, Pennsylvania: A more interesting way of saying someone’s picky, especially with regards to food. #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure regional word: arky (adj.), Virginia: This word refers to Noah’s Ark, not to Arkansas, so if someone calls your style arky, it means old-fashioned or out of style. #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure regional word: faunch (v.), South Midlands, West:  to rant, rave or rage

 

Obsccure reeegional word: larruping (adv.), Oklahoma, South Midlands: when food tastes so delicious, but “yummy,” “scrumptious” and “tasty” just don’t do it justice? Used most often in the phrase “larruping good.” #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure regional word: mizzle-witted (adj.), South. This word means “mentally dull.” So, if you were a mizzle-witted burglar, you might break into a house, get mizzled, trip the alarm, and then mizzle with your loot into the mizzle. Sounds a little Snoop Dog to me.  #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure regional word: burk (v.), Georgia, South: More fun than the word “vomit” and more polite than the word “fart,” this utilitarian verb describes both activities. #thedailyjeff

 

Obscure regional word: bufflehead (n.), Pennsylvania (mountains): meaning a fool or idiot. #thedailyjeff

 

The boss keeps talking about a company 401k. I don’t think I can run that far... #thedailyjeff

 

I was going to go to the movies today, but the theater is closed because the owner died. The funeral will be held tomorrow at 12:30....2:15....4:45....and 7:20. (an.) #thedailyjeff

 

Aren’t Zebras just “prison horses?” #thedailyjeff

 

Starbucks isn't really that expensive compared to how much Victoria's Secret charges per cup. (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeff

 

We're not supposed to pick up hitch-hikers because they may be serial killers. However, serial killers often pick up and kill hitch-hikers. Therefore, has a serial killer ever picked up another serial killer and did they become best friends? (Cyberbully) #thedailyjeff

 

Guys, remember to always close your eyes when you kiss a woman. If your eyes are open, you get a lot more pepper spray in them. #thedailyjeff

 

Everyone has his or her own unique power. It is our responsibility to find that power and use it to the fullest capacity we can in the service of other people. (Toan Lam) #thedailyjeff

“Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.” — Bruce Lee  #thedailyjeff

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now.  Tell me his exact words. (Primawesome) #thedailyjeff

 

The way smart people act stupid (the Ladders) #thedailyjeff

1. Smart people are overconfident

2. They push people too hard

3. They always need to be right

4. They lack emotional intelligence (high-IQ, low-EQ individuals see the world as a meritocracy)

5. They give up when they fail

6. They fail to develop grit

7. They multitask (interesting fact:  Not only does multitasking make you less productive, but people who multitask often because they think they’re good at it are actually worse at multitasking than people who prefer to do one thing at a time.

8. They have a hard time accepting feedback

 

 

9 things smart people never say (The Ladders)  #thedailyjeff

1. “You look tired” Instead say: “Is everything okay?”

2. “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”  Instead say: “You look fantastic.”

3. “You were too good for her/him anyway” Instead say: “Her/his loss!”

4. “You always . . .” or “You never . . .” Simply point out what the other person did that’s a problem for you.

5. “You look great for your age” Instead say: “You look great.”

6. “As I said before . . .” Your idea didn’t hit its mark the first time so convey the message in a clearer and more interesting manner.

7. “Good luck” Instead say: “I know you have what it takes.”

8. “It’s up to you” or “Whatever you want” Instead say: “I don’t have a strong opinion either way, but a couple things to consider are . . .”

9. “Well at least I’ve never ___”Instead say: “I’m sorry.”

One of the oddities of life. Raw cashews, which are technically a seed and not a nut, contain urushiol, the same chemical found in poison ivy.  I’d like to meet the guy that decided, despite these warnings, that he would not only cook one but eat it.

Me, showing concern for my wife feeling ill:  “I’m taking you to the doctor…you’re just not thinking right.” Her response “I’m thinking right…you just don’t like my thoughts.”  Again, well played.  #thedailyjeff

 

Listen…just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand

 

Things smart people never say at work.  (The Ladders) #thedailyjeff

Blue-sky thinking (Translation:  Thinking creatively.)

In the weeds (Translation: Too detailed.)

Net-net (Translation:  When you add up the pros and cons, this is the answer.

Synergize (Translation:  Collaborate.)

Datafication (Translation : Add numbers to improve the analysis.)

Operationalize (Translation:  Put into action.)

Let’s parking lot this (Translation:  Wait.)

Siloed thinking (Translation:  Forgetting to consider the impact on other teams or parts of the company.)

Recontextualize (Translation:  Let’s stop thinking of it this way and think about it this other way.)

It’s time to eat a reality sandwich (Translation:  Back to the real world for a second.)

It’s time to put the soup through the strainer (Translation:  There’s a lot of junk here we don’t need.)

It’s like trying to put a horn on a donkey and call it a unicorn (Translation:  Make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear)

 

If life gives you scraps, make a quilt. (Florence Cope Bush)

 

The longer the title the less important the job.

 

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

 

Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.

 

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

 

 

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

 

We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.

 

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.

 

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.

 

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

 

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

 

I drink to make other people interesting. – “George Jean Nathan”

 

Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections? #thedailyjeff

 

Research shows that the French, Italians and Japanese, who drink lots of wine, have a lower incidence of heart disease than the Americans and British.  So drink what you want…just don’t speak English. 

 

Where has common sense gone...you know…the ability to rationally look at things and take a reasonable action?  Do we need warning signs for everything?  If one does something stupid can we, as a society, protect them from doing it?  If you walk across the freeway you could get killed, but people do it in spite of signs and fences.  You don’t let a toddler near a gun. You test the temperature of coffee before you drink it.  You don’t drive unsafely.  You don’t eat food that kills you.  But people do it, and then try to find someone to blame.  Sheesh!

 

I feel I’m becoming a slave to email, Facebook, Twitter, email, apps and devices.  What would you guys think about my doing a “tech cleanse” every Sunday?

 

“Survival depends on what you do, not what you think.” (Rebecca McKinsey) #thedailyjeff

 

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

My granddad had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

 

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn't complain.

 

I used to like my neighbors until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

 

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

 

“I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.” (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

 

“Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long? “ Emo Philips  #thedailyjeff

 

“All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed when there's so many real reasons to hate others.”  (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

 

“The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.” Emo Philips #thedailyjeff

 

I think my neighbor has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what he charges him. (thanks to Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

 

“My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.” (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

 

“I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.” (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

 

“I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.” (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

 

“You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.”  (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

 

 

“One Direction just released a new CD … in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.”

 

“Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.” (Demetri Martin)

 

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of

Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.” (George Carlin)

 

In fluid dynamics, Bernoulli's principle states that an increase in the speed of a fluid occurs simultaneously with a decrease in pressure or a decrease in the fluid's potential energy. Translation:  stuff moves from the highest pressure to the lowest.  This explains weather fronts, the movement of fluids, and other things. The principle is named after Daniel Bernoulli who published it in his book Hydrodynamica in 1738.

 

Unhappy with your life?  Then quit complaining and do something constructive to make it better.

Dipped my cookie into milk for too long and it broke off.  Why, why, why do such bad things happen to good people?

Walking past the National Museum of Woman’s art today got me thinking about other museums.  We have ones for Dance, American Indians, animals, African Americans, Women's studies, gender, religion, etc.  What I'm wondering is about men...is it that we don’t need a museum or study path to validate/celebrate ourselves, don't care, or do we just co-opt all other museums and study paths...history, natural science, politics, art, etc.?  Asking for a friend.

 

Paraphrased from a song, and the way I feel about Linny:  “I only need to hear her laugh to know that she’s the one.”

 

Traveling through Texas I saw a sign at a truck stop that advertised “Homemade fudge,” and couldn’t help but think:  Exactly whose home was this made in?  Was it a couple of little old ladies, as I hope or, as I suspect, actually made by a couple of teenaged rednecks back in the kitchen of the truck stop? #thedailyjeff 

 

Very sad.  The dyslexic devil worshiper sold his soul to Santa. #thedailyjeff (more at thedailyjeff.net)

 

I bet a lot of people die when there's a fire in China. They don't exactly have the best drill. (An.) #thedailyjeff)

 

I'm known all over the world for my exaggerations. #thedailyjeff

 

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.  #thedailyjeff

 

A smart man only believes half of what he hears, a wise man knows which half. (Jeff Cooper)  #thedailyjeff

 

“I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are...” (John Cleese) #thedailyjeff

 

 

Six phrases that will change your relationships  #thedailyjeff

1) “Tell me more” These three simple words that would trigger stronger relationships with people.

2) “Thank you”: This deepens our connections in our personal and professional lives.

3) “I’m not finished yet”:  Don’t actually say this out loud, but convey in your tone and when you are done let your tome say, ‘And now I’m done.'”

4) “Be interested in other people”:  It means going with the flow, using open-ended questions, not repeating ourselves, and not equating our experiences with our conversation partner’s.

5) “I’m enough”:  Showing vulnerability, the “courage to be imperfect,” is the key to being a resilient person

6) “What do you think?”:  it forces us to stop and actually find out what other people aren’t telling us.

 

If there is ever an apocalypse I’m heading straight for an #amazon warehouse. #thedailyjeff

 

Definition:  “Responsible adult” – One that understands that just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it. #thedailyjeff

 

10 things confident people won’t do (The Ladders):  #thedailyjeff

1. Make excuses

2. Quit

3. Wait for permission to act

4. Seek attention (they draw their self-worth from within)

5. Need constant praise (The kind of confidence that’s dependent on praise from other people isn’t really confidence at all; it’s narcissism)

6. Put things off (Today is the only time that matters.)

7. Pass judgment. (They don’t waste time sizing people up and worrying about whether or not they measure up)

8. Avoid conflict (They know that conflict is part of life and that they can’t avoid it without cheating themselves out of the good stuff, too.)

9. Let a lack of resources get in their way (Either they find a way to get what they need, or they figure out how to get by without it.)

10. Get too comfortable (Comfort leads to complacency, and complacency leads to stagnation. A little discomfort is a good thing.)

 

 

Forgiveness is not forgetting. It’s like getting in a canoe with someone and going over the falls. You acknloldge it was a bad decision but you still got in the boat

“To see what is in front of one’s nose needs a constant struggle.” (George Orwell) #thedailyjeff

 

10 people you should avoid like the plague (the Ladders)  #thedailyjeff

1. The gossip: Gossipers derive pleasure from other people’s misfortunes. There are too many positives out there and too much to learn from interesting people to waste your time talking about the misfortune of others.

2. The temperamental: They will lash out at you and project their feelings onto you, all the while thinking that you’re the one causing their malaise.

3. The Victim:  you initially empathize with their problems, but as time passes, you begin to realize that their “time of need” is all the time.

4. The self-absorbed: as far as they’re concerned, there’s no point in having a real connection between them and anyone else. You’re merely a tool used to build their self-esteem.

5. The envious:  they measure their fortune against the world’s when they should be deriving their satisfaction from within.

6. The manipulator: suck time and energy out of your life under the façade of friendship.

7. The dementor: highly negative people—the kind of people who have the ability to walk into a room and instantly suck the life out of it.

8. The twisted: toxic people who have bad intentions, deriving deep satisfaction from the pain and misery of others.

9. The judgmental: They stifle your desire to be a passionate, expressive person, so you’re best off cutting them out and being yourself.

10. The arrogant:  Arrogance is false confidence, and it always masks major insecurities.

 

Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie. (Xuppi) #thedailyjeff

 

Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe? (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Uni-Ball pens missed one hell of an endorsement opportunity with Lance Armstrong. (PizzaDr) #thedailyjeff

 

Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant? #thedailyjeff

 

 

I’ll never forget that pillow fight I had with that memory foam pillow. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Why is it called a "personal trainer," instead of an "exercist"? (An.) #thedailyjeff

Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire me to cook at their concert. #thedailyjeff

 

Trump doesn’t have any old girlfriends. They’re all young. #thedailyjeff

 

Legend has it that the "M" in MTV once stood for music. #thedailyjeff

 

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”  (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Me to Siri:  “Siri, when will computers become self-aware?”
Siri: “When will YOU become self-aware?”
Me, gazing out a window, crying. “Good one, Siri.” #thedailyjeff

 

How to be an unforgettable boss, or manager, from Fortune magazine’s list of the 100 Best Companies to Work For. #thedailyjeff

1. Great bosses are passionate, first and foremost

2. They sacrifice themselves for their people

3. Great bosses play chess not checkers

4. They are who they are, all the time

5. A great boss is a port in a storm

They

6. They’re human, and they aren’t afraid to show it

7. Their work is truly a team effort, and their people feel accomplished when group goals are met

 

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. (Adam Joshua Smargon) #thedailyjeff

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …” (Demetri Martin) #thedailyjeff

People who avoid taking down their Christmas lights are probably just turning their house into a Mexican restaurant, right? #thedailyjeff

Drunkard’s Law “Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol (Josh Hara) #thedailyjeff

 

“I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.” (Melanie Reno) #thedailyjeff

If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen me dancing at a concert. (@SammyRhodes) #thedailyjeff

“Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.” (Bill Clinton) #thedailyjeff

 

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother. (Rita Rudner)  #thedailyjeff

 

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. (Jeff Valdez)  #thedailyjeff

 

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

(Math) Equations are the devil’s sentences. (Stephen Colbert)  #thedailyjeff

I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead. (Bob Hope)  #thedailyjeff

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. (Robert Frost)  #thedailyjeff

Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them. (John Hodgman)  #thedailyjeff

I always think of it as a complement when my new password on a website is rated ‘very strong.’  ACED that one!  #thedailyjeff

‘If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.’ (Dorothy Parker)  #thedailyjeff

They say there is no "I" in "team." But there's an "I" in "Tim," and that’s how my friend Federico pronounces "team." So there we go.  #thedailyjeff

 

Your stick figure family window sticker promotes an unrealistic and unhealthy body image for your children.” (Jim Gaffigan) #thedailyjeff

 

Extreme Book Summary:  Hunger Games. I'm a poor girl selected to play in a game to the death.  I don't think I can do it...wait...I'm really good and won. #thedailyjeff

 

Extreme book summary:  "Heaven is for Real" by Todd, Sonja, and Colton Burpo.  Got sick.  Saw God.  Nobody believed me.  Now some do. #thedailyjeff

 

When I was a kid, my father convinced me that the ice cream truck only played music when it was sold out....Well played Dad, well played. (An.)  #thedailyjeff 

 

 

There is a big difference between dependency and addiction.  I depend on my phone, but I refuse to be addicted to it.  #thedailyjeff

 

When bad things happen, why to people always blame someone else?  “I know my house was built under sea level but they shouldn’t have let me build there.” “I know I live in squalor but they put me down.”  “I only make $8 per hour but they should give me more.”  “I know I make terrible life decisions but they made me do it.” “I know I shouldn’t walk across a freeway during rush hour but...(well, I can’t figure this one out).”  “I know I shouldn’t be morbidly obese and have diabetes but they make the food so good.” Granted, there are many that have no choice, especially in the case of mental illness.  But the “they blame” seems to be the prevalent mode.  #thedailyjeff

 

The most annoying words people use all the time at work (The Ladders)  #thedailyjeff

‘Think outside the box’

 ‘Synergy’

 ‘Bandwidth’

 ‘Circle back’

 ‘At a high level’

 ‘Table this conversation’

 ‘Run it up the flagpole’

 ‘Move the needle’

 ‘Pow wow’

 

What's the difference between people and pigs? Pigs don't turn into people when they drink.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

 

I’m convinced that all this new artificial intelligence will still get beaten down by natural stupidity.   #thedailyjeff

 

“I knew this transsexual whose only ambition was to eat, drink and be Mary.”  (George Carlin)  #thedailyjeff

 

 

“Racism isn’t born, folks, it is taught.  I have a two-year-old son.  You know what he hates.  Naps!  End of list.”  (Dennis Leary)  #thedailyjeff

 

He was indicted into the hall of fame

 

Din javla skitstovel (with double dots over the first A and the O) “I poop in your boot”

 

Din snuskummer “You dirty lobster”

 

 

 

Now that Steve Bannon is out of the White House he says he is free.  He is even working out more and trying a juice cleanse.  Although he was disappointed on that second one, thinking it was a "Jews cleanse."  (#waitwait)  #thedailyjeff

 

After looting a Mexican food restaurant during a protest about a recent unpopular jury verdict, one of the looters justified his actions by saying “Until people feel the pain they won’t address the pain.”  Let’s parse this one out.  So the owner of the restaurant deserves to have her place looted because some guy wants to make a social statement?  Does this make sense to you? 

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” (Oscar Wilde) #thedailyjeff

 

“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.” (Henny Youngman)  #thedailyjeff

 

They say life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.  I also think it means just being one step ahead of the last guy.  #thedailyjeff (J)

 

Don’t worrying about the last, current or next hurricane.  They won’t be allowed in the country because, you know, they enter our borders from the south. (#waitwait) #thedailyjeff

 

Toys R Us is filing for bankruptcy. Four more times and it will qualify them to run for President. (PizzaDR) #thedailyjeff

 

It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it's fixed and finally cool, you leave. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

 

Dumbest tweet on the Internet:  “I really want to watch that ‘perks of being a cauliflower’ or whatever its called.”  #thedailyjeff

 

Dumbest tweet on the Internet:  “Its so hot in the office one of the secretaries thought she was metal pausing.” #thedailyjeff

 

Dumbest tweet on the Internet:  “I’m sure this man on the Olympics said they started 3000 years ago!  Its only 2017, so how is that possible?” #thedailyjeff

 

Marc Benioff said “People who lose their relevance get stuck in the past because they’re no longer in the present moment.” I don’t know what that means, but it’s sure not like it was in the old days.   #thedailyjeff

 

Five signs of a toxic workplace (Forbes)  #thedailyjeff

Narcissists On Top: It’s terrifying how many textbook narcissists can rise into the highest positions of power in today’s world.

Commiserating Colleagues: A very active back-channel of communication

Lack of Transparency:  Decisions, performance, plans

Inconsistent Rulebook: Favored ones treated differently than others

The Place Is Sick, Literally:  Stress, burnout, fatigue, and downright illness

 

People today seem to constantly throw out the terms racism, unfairness, prejudice, intolerance, bigotry and privilege (or lack of it), so I decided to do some research so I could understand them better:

RACISM: a belief is that one race is superior to another, intolerance for differences, and systems/policies that foster it.  So, racism = Bias + prejudice + bigotry + intolerance

BIGOTRY: the stubborn and complete intolerance of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own.  So, bigotry = Bias + prejudice but not necessarily racism or bigotry

INTOLERANCE: an unwillingness or refusal to tolerate or respect opinions or beliefs contrary to one's own or people who hold other opinions.  So, intolerance = Bias + prejudice but not necessarily racism or bigotry

BIAS: a tendency, inclination, feeling or opinion, especially one that others perceive as preconceived or unreasoned.  So, bias = Prejudice but not necessarily racism or bigotry

PREJUDICE: a point of view, either favorable or unfavorable, that blocks out other ideas, reasonable or unreasonable.  So, prejudice = bias but not necessarily racism or bigotry

PRIVILIDGE: a right, immunity or benefit enjoyed only by a person beyond the advantages of most.  In this country we all have equal rights, but some people get more privileges because of their position in life - title, wealth, education, office, first there, etc.

Some people have more privilege than others.  As fair as we want the world to be, it isn’t. Do some people get an express pass in life?  Sure.  Does that mean that anyone born without an express pass is doomed to a life of failure?  Absolutely not. In life, it is the smartest and most determined that survive and thrive, irrespective of where they started. There will be racists and bigots.  There will be bias and intolerance.  And some people will have privilege.  How a person reacts to this reality defines them.  Do you rise in spite of it, or does it hamper you?    #thedailyjeff   

 

I walked past a day spa in Winter Park, FL and saw a product with the tag line “youth distilled.” 

Is it just me, or do you picture some lab where this product is actually made of baby juices?  And what kind of juices are we talking about here?  #thedailyjeff

 

I was drinking a Miller Lite and realized it sounded like Mullah Lite – like a more modern, moderate leader in Iran.  #thedailyjeff

 

I was just thinking…What if there were no hypothetical questions? (An.) #thedailyjeff


Quote from Rick Perry, Energy Secretary in the Trump administration and recent loser on Dancing with the Stars, in regard to climate change “The science is not settled on this. The idea that we would put Americans’ economy in jeopardy based on scientific theory that’s not settled yet to me is nonsense. I mean, and I told somebody, I said, just because you have a group of scientists that have stood up and said, ‘Here is the fact’...Galileo got outvoted for a spell.”  #thedailyjeff

 

Gun violence in America, explained in 17 maps and charts  #thedailyjeff https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.vox.com%2Fpolicy-and-politics%2F2017%2F10%2F2%2F16399418%2Fus-gun-violence-statistics-maps-charts%3Futm_campaign%3Dvox%26utm_content%3Dentry%26utm_medium%3Dsocial%26utm_source%3Dfacebook&h=ATM51jVfRuNlpk3UgzNzUTQGBBBr9yz0xhYAiHw6xYMrDEGqRoSMJI2ZdBKz47jvriZ1DrvXpqQpT0p50GtLwYkYXZr01-bwxiZU3_SqUl9m-OLbwx2P-TL2PP3qEl2zjZS7QxMdG6QyUR9BJuUbWBuTN8ldrY7OpPWrrEKqGcL3P_QvOqMPN7VaMmmw8qtBYt27nfgqtUxc2z73Mn_Y6Ex-E1PotWN2JpGg_OZWrLAOtOerLh0TL7Hv8-swY_iHqIhJUYq9AvBlc8O5PwapByJ5CpACYMQZx-FFjJDI7P6zuV2BKg

 

1) America has six times as many firearm homicides as Canada, and nearly 16 times as many as Germany

2) America has 4.4 percent of the world’s population, but almost half of the civilian-owned guns around the world

3) There have been 1,518 mass shootings since Sandy Hook, with at least 1,715 people killed and 6,089 wounded.

4) On average, there is more than one mass shooting for each day in America

5) States with more guns have more gun deaths

6) It’s not just the US: Developed countries with more guns also have more gun deaths

7) States with tighter gun control laws have fewer gun-related deaths

8) Still, gun homicides (like all homicides) have declined over the past couple decades

9) Most gun deaths are suicides

10) The states with the most guns report the most suicides

11) Guns allow people to kill themselves much more easily

11) Programs that limit access to guns have decreased suicides

13) Since the shooting of Michael Brown, police have killed at least 2,900 people

14) In states with more guns, more police officers are also killed on duty

15) Support for gun ownership has sharply increased since the early ’90s

16) High-profile shootings don’t appear to lead to more support for gun control

17) But specific gun control policies are fairly popular

 

If you’re 20 and angry at the world that’s cool. But if you are 70 and angry at the world that’s just sad and you’re an asshole. #thedailyjeff

 

“Trains are basically trucks and busses that fuck.” (John Oliver) #thedailyjeff

 

Saw an ad for “Dog stud service” and couldn’t help but think this is prostitution – for dogs. Sad, really. #thedailyjeff

 

Watching a football game yesterday two terms struck me as inappropriate:  “Illegal use of the hands” and “The Chiefs have a package that they like.”  I wonder if the commentators know that these terms have a different meaning today?  #thedailyjeff

 

Don’t keep worrying about the last, current or next hurricane.  They won’t be allowed in the country because, you know, they enter our borders from the south. (#waitwait)  #thedailyjeff

 

What kind of pansy-ass douche tweets something like "nobody could have done what I've done for Puerto Rico with so little recognition."? #thedailyjeff

 

Just went to the barber and my hair is totally on fleek right now.  And if you aren’t extremely hip like me, that means “extremely good, attractive, or stylish.”  Word!  #thedailyjeff

 

I have to admire those that are absolutely convinced in their opinions.  To be so predijuced, bigoted and closed minded, with absolute confidence, is amazing.  To ignore history, logic, reason, societal norms and rally around a crazy idea really takes work.  You see, I got this thing called ‘education.’  What education teaches you are two things:  1) there are many points of view on topics, some valid and some invalid; and 2) there is a method whereby reasoned people evaluate opinions and take their own stance.

 

There is no virtue in absolutism

 

When I say something really stupid I beat myself up.  But when the President does it…he’s OK with it.

 

Ten toxic people you should avoid like the plague (https://www.theladders.com/p/22417/toxic-people )

1. The gossip: Gossipers derive pleasure from other people’s misfortunes.

2. The temperamental: Some people have absolutely no control over their emotions.

3. The Victim: Victims actively push away any personal responsibility by making every speed bump they encounter into an uncrossable mountain.

4. The self-absorbed: Self-absorbed people bring you down through the impassionate distance they maintain from other people.

5. The envious: Even when something great happens to envious people, they don’t derive any satisfaction from it.

6. The manipulator: They suck time and energy out of your life under the façade of friendship.

7. The dementor:  Dementors suck the life out of the room by imposing their negativity and pessimism upon everyone they encounter.

8. The twisted: People who have bad intentions, deriving deep satisfaction from the pain and misery of others.

9. The judgmental: They have a way of taking the thing you’re most passionate about and making you feel terrible about it.

10. The arrogant:  They see everything you do as a personal challenge. Arrogance is false confidence, and it always masks major insecurities.

 

 

I heard a standup comic say, regarding Texas summer heat... "It's like Hell's waiting room."  By that same token, Phoenix must be actual Hell. #thedailyjeff

 

Nerd humor:  A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: ‘No, I’m travelling light.’  #thedailyjeff

 

Dyslexic people don't know their bowels from their elbows. #thedailyjeff

 

How long do I have to be ignorant before I feel bliss? Because I’ve been rocking this ignorance thing for many years now.  #thedailyjeff

 

Eden must have been really boring if Eve was tempted by an apple. #thedailyjeff

 

The person that named the eggplant probably isn't allowed to name things anymore. #thedailyjeff

 

“I’ll never stay at a La Quinta Hotel.  Nobody is ever going to make me speak Spanish.”  (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

I haven't slept for three days, because… you know…that would be too long. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

 

You tell me you love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared! (An.) #thedailyjeff)

 

It takes 42 muscles to smile but only a couple to point your finger.  So that guy that just flipped me off was probably just smiling, but he was lazy.  I feel better now. #thedailyjeff

 

If I had a dollar for every time someone misspelled my name I’d have 1 Renminbi, or about 15 cents, for that time in Beijing.  #thedailyjeff

 

Let’s just be totally fair here… if you are poor, uneducated, sick, or hungry we as Americans can and should help.  This isn’t about race, religion or gender. #thedailyjeff

 

Wait a sec.  The #redcross is a largely all-volunteer and self-funded organization.  So why are we giving them such shit about the quality and speed of their disaster responses? #thedailyjeff

 

Let’s be honest here.  Is there any real, logical or sane reason why people should be allowed to have semi- or fully-automatic guns?  To hunt or protect your home you only need to fire a single shot, or if you have bad aim?

 

According to a collection of (real) scientific studies, I have passed the age where I can learn & understand most things, and too young to actually be happy or literate.  These are the peak ages: Learning a new language: 7; Brain processing power: 18; Remembering names: 22; Female attractiveness to men:  23; Muscle strength:  25; Finding a partner for marriage: 26; Running a marathon:  28; Bone mass: 30; Making a Nobel Prize-sinning discovery:  40; Salary (Men): 48; Arithmetic skills:  50; Understanding people’s emotions: 51; Life satisfaction:  69; Vocabulary: 71; Happiness with your body: 74; Psychological well-being: 82  #thedailyjeff

http://www.iflscience.com/editors-blog/here-are-the-ages-you-peak-at-everything-throughout-lifes/   #thedailyjeff

Marriage is not a good way of life for the weak, the selfish, or the insecure. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

The secrets to a successful marriage are not finding the right person but BEING the right person.  #thedailyjeff

If you want to be treated as a person who is liked/loved/respected you must be a person who is likable/lovable/respectable.  #thedailyjeff

Admittedly 8th grade humor, but I saw a photo of a protestor with a sign decrying the repeal of Obamacare.  The sign said “Trumpcare” but someone was standing in front of the “t.” There are so many comedic ways you could go with the word “Rumpcare.”  #thedailyjeff

Clarification needed:  When they say don't drink and drive, what are they saying? Don’t drink before you are driving or during?  Some advice is needed here. Asking for a friend. #thedailyjeff

 

“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”  (Bill McGlashen)  #Thedailyjeff

 

“We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.”  (Robert Wilensky)   #Thedailyjeff

 

Wise advice:  A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

People who use big words to just to sound smart are just trying to be self-defecating.  #thedailyjeff

 

The first assembly instruction for all IKEA furniture should be a shot of whiskey.  #thedailyjeff

 

Old but still funny joke:  Moses led his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems even in Biblical times men avoided asking for directions.  Mythical quote, “Trust me…I am certain we’ll be there after the next left hand turn…” #thedailyjeff

 

Here's an idea.  Get hoarders addicted to crack.  Then they'll sell all their stuff to buy more crack. Problem solved.#thedailyjeff

 

Went to a restaurant that had a brew pub. Was it inappropriate to ask for a doggy bag for that milk stout porter I was drinking?  #thedailyjeff

 

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either. (Christopher Hudspeth) #thedailyjeff

 

You know you are getting old when your ass gets so small you need suspenders just to keep your underwear from falling off.

 

The Golden rule says “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Matt. 7:12), but the new rule seems to be “treat others as they treat you.”  Sad.  #thedailyjeff

 

Doctor:  I have bad news…you have Alzheimer’s and cancer.  Patient:  Great.  At least I don’t have cancer! #thedailyjeff

 

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

“My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.” (Emo Philips) #thedailyjeff

 

“I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.” (Emo Philips)  #thedailyjeff

 

“When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.” (Demetri Martin) #thedailyjeff

 

 

“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.” (Mitch Hedberg) #thedailyjeff

 

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” (@ElizaBayne) #thedailyjeff

 

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. (Michelle Wolf) #thedailyjeff

We get it, poets: Things are like other things. (Mike Ginn) #thedailyjeff

A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.” (Andy Kindler) #thedailyjeff

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people? (Betsy Salkind) #thedailyjeff

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.  (Maggie Smith) #thedailyjeff

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone. (@clarkekant) #thedailyjeff

Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye. (@MattGoldich) #thedailyjeff

I’m on the Paleo diet, except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers. (@rexhuppke) #thedailyjeff

Great insult: "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." (Samuel Johnson) #thedailyjeff

 

Great insult: "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." (Irvin S. Cobb) #thedailyjeff

 

You still have 48 more hours to lose all the weight from your last New Year's resolution. Hurry! #thedailyjefff

 

What does it mean if you take and IQ test and the results are negative?  Asking for a friend. #thedailyjeff

 

“Speech Impedement” is really hard to say if you have one. #thedailyjeff

 

I was trying to convince my wife how patient I am.  Her answer “40 years of marriage.”  OK, you win. #thedailyjeff

 

Saw a commercial for the store “Rooms to Go.”  Isn’t that actually a better name for a bathroom fixture company?  #thedailyjeff

 

The corniest country song title ever:  “You flushed me from the bathroom of your heart” Written by Jack Clement • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group (http://www.downstream.ca/country1.htm) #thedailyjeff

 

From the backdoor of your life you swept me out dear
In the bread line of your dreams I lost my place
At the table of your love I got the brush off
At the Indianapolis of your heart I lost the race

I've been washed down the sink of your conscience
In the theater of your love I lost my part
And now you say you've got me out of your conscience
I've been flushed from the bathroom of your heart

In the garbage disposal of your dreams I've been ground up dear
On the river of your plans I'm up the creek
Up the elevator of your future I've been shafted
On the calendar of your events I'm last week

I've been washed down the sink of your conscience
In the theater of your love I lost my part
And now you say you've got me out of your conscience
I've been flushed from the bathroom of your heart

 

Fun fact in history:  There was a blood-less, death-less war called the Pork and Beans War (AKA, Aroostook War) in 1838–1839 between the United States and the United Kingdom over the international boundary between the British colony of New Brunswick and the US state of Maine.  It took until 1842 for the two sides too sign the Webster–Ashburton Treaty.  #thedailyjeff

 

Fun fact from history:  During the civil war, prostitution was as big as fighting. General Hooker had huge groups of women follow around his troops and satisfy their urges (where the term Hooker comes from) and in 1861 the Union Army Medical Department reported that 1 out of 12 soldiers had venereal disease. One report showed that out of 468,000 men checked, 188,000 had an STD. #thedailyjeff

 

Fun fact from history:  The mathmatitian Pythagoras, who discovered the Pythagorean theorem, (A2 + B2 = C2, for the uninitiated) was go-nutty, Bat-shit crazy.  He killed people who didn’t agree or disproved him, he convinced people that facing the sun when you urinate was a punishable sin, and didn’t believe in fractions, or decimals. He simply refused to believe that more than two and less than three could possibly exist. #thedailyjeff

 

Someone called me a “Sockergris” and I thought they were complementing my soccer skills.  Turns out it means ‘sugar pig’ in Swedish, the equivalent of saying someone has a sweet tooth.  OK, I’ll own up to that one.

#thedailyjeff

 

There are just some words in foreign languages that kind of sound like their meaning, even in Engilsh:  Knullrufs (I would say it null ruffs) in Swedish means ‘bed hair’ or what we would call ‘bed head.’ #thedailyjeff

 

Bakfull som en örn: Having a hangover (Full as the butt of an eagle)

Sup dig snygg: Drink until you get gorgeous

Fy fån: Fuck it

Håll käften: Shut the hell up!

Jävla skithuvud: fucking shithead

Kyss mig i röven: Kiss my arse    

Rövslickare: Arse kisser

Jidder: Bullshit

Jag skitar i vad du säger: I don’t give a crap what he says

Jävla skithuvud: Shithead

En snuskhummer: A filthy lobster/ a dirty old man

 

49% of you are still running Microsoft XP or Vista even though Microsoft ended support for XP in April 2014 and Vista in April 2017.  This means no new compatibility with your software, printer, your browser, and most importantly, no security.  So, if you still have one of these you’re an idiot.  #thedailyjeff

 

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs #thedailyjeff

 

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. #thedailyjeff

 

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.” #thedailyjeff

 

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

 

Fun facts:  in Virginia it is illegal to swear (“Profane swearing”).  It’s a class 4 misdemeanor with a fine of $250. More fun facts:  It is also illegal to be drunk in a bar (AK), to spit in public (AZ), possess nuclear weapons (CA), sell pickles that don’t bounce (CN), eat fried chicken with utensils (GA), be a cannibal (ID), throw snowballs (KS), curse while driving (MD), “FOLF” – play Frisbee golf (MT), collect seaweed (NH), murder while wearing a bulletproof vest (NJ), wrestle bears (OK), have a missile in a bus terminal (UT), or poach a Sasquatch (WA).  My favorite:  In Arkansas it is illegal to pronounce the name of the state incorrectly.  #thedailyjeff

9 types of people who never succeed (Travis Bradberry) #thedailyjeff

The coward: They fail to stand up for what is right.

The Dementor: Dementors suck the life out of the room by imposing their negativity and pessimism upon everyone they encounter.

The arrogant:  Arrogance is false confidence, and it always masks major insecurities.

The group-thinker: They always choose the path of least resistance. Be careful; the status quo never leads to greatness.

The short-changed: Quick to blame their lack of accomplishment on a lack of opportunity.

The temperamental: Be wary of temperamental people; when push comes to shove they will use you as their emotional toilet.

The victim: They don’t see tough times as opportunities to learn and grow from; instead, they see them as an out.

The gullible: They always go with the flow until the gentle river becomes a tumultuous ocean.

The apologizer: People who lack confidence are always apologizing for their ideas and actions.

 

Five rude emails you send without realizing it: Travis Bradberry #thedailyjeff

Even the most likeable and well-mannered among us can still look like jerks in an email. Writing an email that comes across just like you do in person is a fine art.

The compulsive CC And Reply All:  one of the most annoying things you can do via email. The way-too-brief: Sending back “Got it” or “Noted” wastes the receivers time.

The “URGENT” subject line: Shows complete disregard for the recipient. If your email is that urgent, pick up the phone and give the person a call.

The Debbie downer: Sending emails that consistently tell people what they do wrong and what they shouldn’t be doing really takes a toll. Even if you are trying to offer constructive criticism, you need to avoid negativity in your emails at all costs.

The robot: Jumping straight into the nitty-gritty might seem like the most effective thing to do, but it leaves a lasting negative impression.

 

I’m constantly amazed at how profoundly stupid local TV news has become.  #KEYE in Austin spent ½ hour telling us that it was cold outside, we should be careful driving on ice and to bring our pets in.  My feeling is this:  If you are so dumb that you don’t already know this then you deserve what you get.  Local TV stations, save this time for real news, not for saving the stupid people. #thedailyjeff

 

I no longer think inside or outside the box.  In fact, I don’t even care where the box is anymore.   #thedailyjeff

 

I just realized this.  All fiction is a lie.  #thedailyjeff 

 

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.” (Danielle Esplin)  #thedailyjeff

 

Revenge is beneath me. But accidents do happen.  (I think this is from Liz Taylor)  #thedailyjeff

 

“Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge.”  (Don Henley)  #thedailyjeff

kjempe ekorn

 

ogooglebar: “Ungoogable”

hen (gender neutral person)

jätte ekorrar  Giant squirrel

 

blyg ekorre  shy squirrel

 

arg ekorre  angry

 

sint ekorn  Angry Norwegian

gal ekorn  crazy squirrel

 

 

The third song on my upcoming and largely fictitonal country album:  “Sunday dinner ain’t the same since granny went off her meds.”  Who can help me with the words?

Dangerous squirrel
farlig ekorn

Vulnerable
sårbar ekorn

Redd Ekorn  (afraid)

Redd Ekorn  (afraid)

Erraticus (Wanderingwandering, roving, erratic, wild) sciurus (squirrel) See-you-rus

Torpid sløv  (Mentally slow)

 

The BEST country song title ever: “I gave her a heart and a diamond and she clubbed me with a spade” (http://www.downstream.ca/country1.htm) #thedailyjeff

 

 

“Never bend your head.  Always hold it high.  Look the world straight in the eye.”  (Helen Keller) #thedailyjeff

 

“You don’t develop courage by being happy every day.  You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”  (Barbara De Angelis) #thedailyjeff 

 

Heard a term used by a very famous person and it didn’t sound right: “Drug ediction.”  Turns out there is no such word, like “covfefe.” #thedailyjeff

 

Heard a term used by a very famous person and it didn’t sound right. “Bigly” is in fact a real word, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. It’s an adverb, meaning “with great force” or “loudly, boastfully.” But it's likely the person used the phrase “big league,” not “bigly.” #thedailyjeff

 

"Perfection is Achieved Not When There Is Nothing More to Add, But When There Is Nothing Left to Take Away." (French writer Antoine de Saint-Exupery) #thedailyjeff

 

“Let is not seek the Republican answer or the Democratic answer, but the right answer.  Let us accept our own responsibility for the future.”  (John F. Kennedy) #thedailyjeff

 

“To err is human.  To blame someone else is politics.”  (Hubert Humphrey) #thedailyjeff

 

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”  (Robert Anthony) #thedailyjeff

 

This sums up the current, intractable government gridlock in the USA.  “Narcissists are notorious for placing blame on other people and not on themselves. Even when they clearly and definitely did something wrong, they cannot- and will not- accept responsibility... Narcissists know right from wrong, they just cannot allow something bad to be their fault. It is another manifestation of their supreme self-centeredness as well as a protection for their fragile ego. It is also a primitive method of avoiding external repercussions.”  (Alexander Burgemeester) #unitedstatessenate  #unitedstatescongress  #potus

 

Weird law:  It is illegal to let your dog ride on the top of your car in Alaska. (CAC 9.36.150; AO No. 78-72; AO No. 82-191; AO No. 89-52) Apparently cats are OK.  #thedailyjeff

 

Weird law:  The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

 

Weird laws in Lawrence KS: All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival.  And no one may wear a bee in their hat.

 

 

Word nerd:  “I’ve got to go” vs. “I have to go”?   “Got to” is traditionally considered incorrect. It is a shortened form of I have got to go (which means pretty much the same thing as I have to go, I must go, and I need to go).  I’ve got to remember that, I mean ‘have to.’  #thedailyjeff

 

The 15 things I hate about Las Vegas

- Lack of basic courtesy: Inability or refusal of people to comprehend that there might be other people around them, and treating the people serving them poorly

- Inappropriate dress: 400lb women – and men - in tube tops and volleyball short shorts, torn Lynard Skyerd t-shirts, and people who dress like they don't own a mirror or care

- The smell of the casino: a combo of cigarettes, cheap car air freshener, and farts

- The distance: everything is a mile away - even inside the same hotel

- The mind-numbing noise

- It's hard to find Dr Pepper: what kind of hell-hole doesn't have Dr Pepper everywhere?

- Trashy parents smoking while pushing their kids in a stroller through the casino

- Trashy people in general:  they’re everywhere

- Selfies: don't get me started (see lack of courtesy)

- Stupid people that wander aimlessly with their mouth open

- The dirt: everything is dirty, especially the sidewalks

- The cost: you think stuff is free here? 

- The odds:  Research shows that only 5.4% of expert gamblers come out ahead, and it’s three times worse for inexperienced gamblers. 

- The dream:  Unlike most things in life, research also shows that the more the play the more likely you are to lose.

- The fake: everything is fake…the people, buildings, and the whole experience

But there are a few things I LIKE about Vegas:  the workers have the patience of saints...the mountain view outside of town, the magnificent view outside the plane window coming in to town, people who dress up, and the creativity in external architecture of the buildings - but not the inside of them

 

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them #thedailyjeff

 

When they read the side effects in prescription drug commercials they should show the actors actually suffering from them instead of canoeing or sitting in a bathtub.  #thedailyjeff

 

Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do shitty work and blame anyone but myself. (pourmecoffee) #thedailyjeff

 

I think Anger is a valuable tool. Nothing has done more to change this world for the better than someone who is pissed off at the way things are. #thedailyjeff

 

Auctioneers are proof that white guys can rap if they try hard enough. #thedailyjeff

 

“The world suffers a lot, not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.” (Ritu Ghatourey) #thedailyjeff

 

“It's fine if you wanna shoot a buncha folks as long as you start with yourself. That's my only rule about it.” (comedian George Wallace) #thedailyjeff

 

“The worst feeling is not being alone, it’s being forgotten by someone you could not forget.”
(Nishan Panwar) #thedailyjeff

"Innovative solutions to new challenges seldom come from familiar places." (Gyan Nagpal) #thedailyjeff

 

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Or braised. I've enjoyed it baked too. Can't go wrong with Fried Revenge. The point is I'm mad at you. (Growly Grego) #thedailyjeff

 

 

My favorite old joke:  High school was the best seven years of my life

 

My tag line for my upcoming run for President:  “Seriously?  You’re already doing a lot worse than me.”

 

New frozen treat at your local convenience store:  Tide pod slushy

 

Regret is eating that third cookie.  Retrospect is comparing the goodness of that third cookie with the first and second.

 

God must love stupid people. He/she made SO many.

 

Real headline: Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

 

“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”  (Thomas Sowell)  #thedailyjeff

 

“I’m not a member of any organized political party.  I’m a Democrat.”  (Will Rogers)

 

Think about this...Fighting for peace?  Helllooooo?  #thedailyjeff

 

The older I get, the earlier it gets late. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

People find it comforting when you say “I’ll pray for you,” until they find out that you worship Xarath the Spider King. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

“I’m sick of having to go to two huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.” (Blake)  #thedailyjeff

 

 

I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet. #thedailyjeff

 

Question:  Are vegan hamburgers actually made from Vegans, or stuff Vegans have already chewed and spit out, or out of some gooey slime made from something like kelp? #thedailyjeff

 

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

 

 

Anthropology is the only profession with apology in the title.  That must be some sort of nod to your parents who paid for your degree.  #thedailyjeff

 

OK, I’ve lived here 27 years now, so I’m revealing 26 tips on how to piss off a Texan

How to piss off a Texan: tip #6: Be “All hat and no cattle.” Wearing boots or hat or some sort of dorky cowboy-inspired outfit doesn’t make you Texan.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #7: Give us melted cheese when we ask for Queso.  Queso is different.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #8: Use Velveeta in anything.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #11: Telling us how you do things where you come from:   Look buddy. If we wanted to live in Canadaland or Californiaville we would. Fact is, we have zero interest in doing so. Do us all a favor and keep your opinions to yourself.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #12: Charge for chips and salsa: Charging for chips and salsa in Texas is like charging for tap water. Charging for them or a refill is pretty much a crime against all Texans.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #13: Visit repeatedly and then remark that you still hate Texas:  We don’t want to hear it — if you don’t love it why do you keep coming back?  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #14: Assume we’re all cowboys / dumb rednecks:  No, I didn’t ride a horse to school. No, I’ve never lived on a working ranch. Automatically pegging Texans as backwardly rural, uninformed, or unworldly would be sadly missing the mark.  Some pretty smart people are from here:  Dwight Eisenhower & Lyndon Johnson (US Presidents), Kathy Bates & Joan Crawford & Tommy Lee Jones & Sharon Tate & Debbie Reynolds & Forest Whitaker (Actors), A.J.Foyt (Race driver), Carol Burnett (Comedienne), Gene Roddenberry (Star Trek), Dan Rather (Newscaster), Ben Hogan (Golfer), Janis Joplin (hippy), Dr. Robert Jarvik (inventor of the artificial heart), etc.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #15: Say the whole state sounds awful…except for Austin:  We get it — the world has a hard-on for Austin. No matter where I travel everyone says it. But you’ve just dismissed over 25 million people out of hand. Kind of a dick move. Move to Austin from San Francisco or Brooklyn and then shit-talk the rest of the state.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #16: Call it “George Bush’s state.”  W was born in Connecticut. HW was born in Massachusetts. While there are likely hundreds of George Bushes from Texas, they’re clearly not the ones you’re thinking of.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #17: Live here and constantly say you wish you didn’t:  Everybody wants to live or visit here.  But surprisingly enough, there are some folks who complain. To those people, all we have to say is we have two suggested routes: I-35 North through Jokelahoma, or I-10 which will take you straight to retirement land (aka Florida) or Californiaville.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #18: Fail to realize that while we’re smiling and polite, we can still hate your guts:  It’s called “honey dripping” and is a southern hospitality thing.  It doesn’t mean we like you…we’re just polite.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #19: Ask why I don’t have an accent:  The truth is that many Texans sound just like everyone else. Of course, we do say “Y’all” every other sentence, but other than that, we actually sound like normal people.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #20: Assume everyone owns a truck:  Sure, Texas is home to a lot of trucks, but that doesn’t mean everyone owns one. We prefer huge, gas-guzzling SUVs.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #21: Believe that all musicians from Texas play country music:  While many Texans are proud country music fans, we’ve also conjured up artists like Beyoncé, Selena, Janis Joplin, Bun B, Norah Jones, Hilary Duff, Butthole surfers, ZZ Top, Steve Miller, Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians, Meat Loaf, Norah Jones, Don Henley (Eagles), and countless others.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #22: Ask if we live on a ranch:  I don’t know; why don’t you ask someone who didn’t live in the 4th most populated city in America?  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #23: Believe that Texas is basically one big desert:   Every town isn’t right out of a John Wayne movie.  Texas is so much more than tumbleweeds and sprawling ranches. Houston, for example, is swampy and so humid you’ll want to stay inside all summer. Austin’s got majestic hills and Port Aransas is one of the prettiest beaches you’ll see along the Gulf.  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #24: Ask how many pairs of cowboy boots we own:  While plenty wouldn’t touch cowboy boots with a ten-foot pole, lots of Texans nod to their southern culture by owning at least one pair. (And the answer to the question, by the way, is two. I own two pairs.)  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #25: Think that football is a religion in Texas:  No, we have actual religions just like you.    #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan: tip #26: Leave your trash anywhere other than a garbage can or recycle bin. We’re serious when we say ‘Don’t mess with Texas’  #thedailyjeff

How to piss off a Texan:  Tip #27:  Be sitting in Austin and say “Hey, let’s drive up to Texas Tech.” Dude, that is 400 miles away or 643 kilometers for all you non-Texans.  #thedailyjeff

 

I don’t want to sound like a snob but there two syllables in Porsche -- "Por" and "Shuh." Put them together, and you get Porsche. It's not Porsh.  #thedailyjeff

 

 

 

10 Foreign Words That Deserve English Translations  #tthedailyjeff

 

L’esprit De L’escalier:  French, translated literally means “the spirit of the stairs,” refering to that moment when you come up with a witty comeback or the perfect retort too late.

Saudade:  Portuguese, meaning a feeling of bittersweet nostalgia.

Mamihlapinatapai: from Tierra del Fuego, meaning a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something they both desire but which neither wants to begin.

Sobremesa: Spanish, meaning “over the table,” referring to the time after a hearty lunch or dinner where family or coworkers sit together chatting and exchanging relaxed pleasantries.

Tertulia: a Spanish noun that references an artsy discussion held at a coffeehouse or anywhere coffee, or coffeehouse pastries are being enjoyed.

Lagom: Swedish for “not too little, not too much, the perfect amount.”

Schadenfreude: German, to find enjoyment in someone else’s sorrows.

Han: Korean, referring to a strong feeling of pain and loss, one that pulls at your heartstrings.

Koi No Yokan: Japanese, referring to meeting someone and believing, somewhere in your gut, that you will inevitably fall in love with them. Not “love at first sight,” which is hitomebore.

Mencomot: Indonesian, referring to the act of stealing small items or taking things in minuscule increments, stealing for the thrill of it rather than out of necessity.

Iktsuarpok: Inuit, referring to the eagerness you feel waiting for someone to show up to your house, leading you to go outside multiple times to see if they’ve arrived yet.

 

“If you need to hunt for food just eat rice.  You don’t need a gun to get rice.”  (@Jay Pharoah) #tthedailyjeff

 

 

I was trying to think of a term to use for people who really like to ride bikes, but “Pedalphelia” just didn’t sound right. #tthedailyjeff

 

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older sister told me about it. #tthedailyjeff

 

 

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. #tthedailyjeff

 

If a person wants to be a part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so.  Think twice before reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay or engage with you. (An.)

 

Best of TheDailyJeff

 

I don’t care what people think of me…at least mosquitoes find me really attractive.  #thedailyjeff


I heard on NPR today that 60 is the new 40.   By that same logic, 20 must be the new fetus.  #thedailyjeff

I find that if you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air" most telemarketers will hang up immediately. #thedailyjeff


They say “dance like people aren’t watching,” but the people who have actually seen me dance say “Oh please…just stop.” #thedailyjeff

When I tell someone "We'll just agree to disagree" what I really mean is "You couldn't possibly be more wrong, you’re an idiot and I'm over this argument." #thedailyjeff

I love how television has redefined the word 'marathon' to the exact opposite of physical exercise.  #thedailyjeff

I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's OK. #thedailyjeff


“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up.” (Ogden Nash)  #thedailyjeff

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Let them choose their own adventure. #thedailyjeff

I disagree with unanimity.  #thedailyjeff

Remember people, your body is a temple, not a theme park. #thedailyjeff

I know my limits. I call one Bob and the other Steve-o. I don’t pay any attention to either of them but I still know them.   #thedailyjeff

Parents are meant to be the bumpers on the bowling alley, not the lane.  #thedailyjeff

Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos. (Jon) #thedailyjeff

Be decisive.  Right or wrong, make a decision.  The road of life is paved with flat squirrels that couldn’t make a decision. (Thanks to Russ Fujioka) #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Don’t use contractions, abbr. etc.  #thedailyjeff

I think we’re going to see more things “On Ice.”  You know, Disney on Ice, Sesame Street on Ice, etc.  I can’t wait for “American Sniper on ice” and “20 years a slave on ice!”   #thedailyjeff

If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Speling Bee.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.  #thedailyjeff

I was thinking about the times when someone says “I can’t describe it in words,”  then they try to describe it in words.  I think doing an interpretive rhythmic dance routine would be much more entertaining. #thedailyjeff

I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store.

#Thedailyjeff

Heard a guy at lunch complaining about having to pay taxes.  I reminded him that he drove on a road that had police protection, and if he was in an accident the ambulance would take him to a hospital, and his kids could be excused from school to visit him, and when he returned home the firefighters would be there to extinguish the fire caused by his failure to turn off the toaster. And when he flew to see his mom, who was on Social Security and Medicaid, the plane was kept from crashing by experts on the ground and in the air, flying in an airspace that was protected by the mightiest military in the world.   So sure…don’t pay taxes.  Who needs that stuff anyway?  #thedailyjeff 


Be careful when you follow the masses.  Sometimes the “M” is silent. (an.) #thedailyjeff

“Cats have a lot in common with ISIS.  They are both ruthless killers, they post crazy YouTube videos, and they poop in the sand.”  (Stephen Colbert)  #thedailyjeff

Wrong is wrong even if everybody does it…and right is right even if nobody does it. (an.) #thedailyjeff

I wonder if there was ever an intelligent sentence that started with the word 'dude'? #thedailyjeff

Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy." (an.) #thedailyjeff

Ate too much salad yesterday so I'm going on an ice cream cleanse for the entire weekend. #thedailyjeff

"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone as president.  #thedailyjeff

If you're gonna label the silica gel in the box "do not eat," maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me.    #thedailyjeff

My dog just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Arf.  Arf arf arf.  Arf." I don’t know.  I don’t know…it sounds a little pretentious don’t you think?  #Thedailyjeff

Scientific study just out.  Apparently Ice Cream makes your clothes shrink.  Who knew?  #thedailyjeff

Excellent advice….There is no victory in couples’ arguments.  If one wins the other loses.  Then you both lose. (From Selected Shorts on NPR)  #thedailyjeff

I’ve had a great life and I want to pay it forward.  So I’m willing to give, yes GIVE, someone 20 lbs. of fat from my body.  Please contact me directly for instructions.  #thedailyjeff

Vegetarians always say, “Animals have feelings too.” But what if all their feelings are evil? Research shows that cats would kill you if they were bigger and pigs will eat bacon. Stay strong carnivores! #thedailyjeff

I’ve written a new book called “How to avoid money scams.”  It’s available on my personal website for $2,254.21. Buy it now. Cash only.   #thedailyjeff

It's weird how no one on The Jetsons ever addresses the apocalyptic events that left only white Americans and dogs behind, living in the sky. (An.) #thedailyjeff

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you. (Xyuppi) #thedailyjeff

 

Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. #thedailyjeff

I wonder if angry people know about naps and wine?  #thedailyjeff

Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be. #thedailyjeff

Nothing strikes more fear into a man as when a woman smiles really big and asks, "Notice anything different?"   #thedailyjeff

I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.   (an.)  #thedailyjeff

Just stirred my coffee with a fork.  So if any of you guys are looking for a new gangsta bad boy to join your crew, just let me know. #thedailyjeff

I asked my wife what women really want.  She said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really sure, but was too afraid to ask for clarification. #thedailyjeff

I'm not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I'm simply suggesting we remove all warning labels and let the problem sort itself out through natural selection. #thedailyjeff 

The book I'm reading says "4-6 years" on the cover, but there's only like 6 words on each page. So I'll be finished by the end of the week.   #thedailyjeff

Sneezed. Nobody blessed me. Going to hell.   #thedailyjeff

I bet cats think people wish they were cats.  Dogs, however, wish they were people.  #thedailyjeff

Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.  #thedailyjeff

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator. #thedailyjeff2

They say 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. Looking into my family, I'm trying to figure out which one. Wondering if it's my Mom or my Dad or my sister Diane. Or my younger brothers Ho-Cha-Chu and Weiju Chang.  But I think it's Diane. #thedailyjeff 

I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.  #thedailyjeff  2

Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them all to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping.  #thedailyjeff

I wish my dog would do the laundry while I'm gone all day. She needs to get a job for gosh sakes!  #thedailyjeff

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas." (Anon) #thedailyjeff

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I look up his/her nose? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?   #thedailyjeff


Ever notice how it's never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?   #thedailyjeff

Prejudiced people are all alike.  #thedailyjeff

I have my doubts about disbelief.  #thedailyjeff

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.  #thedailyjeff

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.  Just thinking…..#thedailyjeff

“My new book about doing your own hair coloring is a total flop. I haven't sold one copy of ‘A Guide to Dying Alone.’” (DanMentos) #thedailyjeff

I would like to thank everybody who prayed for me during those five long minutes my house didn't have internet. It was tough, but I made it.  #thedailyjeff

“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.”  (Demetri Martin)  #thedailyjeff

If you sleep with your socks on, please unfollow. I do not support you or your alternate lifestyle. (Sageboggs) #thedailyjeff

The other day someone said I was photogenic. I was flattered until I realized they were actually saying I look uglier in person than I do in pictures. #thedailyjeff 

 

Ran out of Manila envelopes. Off to the Philippines.   (an.) #‎thedailyjeff 

Phrases you don't want connected to your name:  morbidly obese, convicted pedophile, Tea Party Spokesman, creationist, bail, house arrest, "the disemboweled corpse of”, partial remains, solicitation, deadbeat, erectile, malpractice, defendant, flatulent, kleptomaniac, disgraced, rectal, decomposed, decapitated, terminal, malignant, president of the Justin Bieber Fab Club, parolee, convicted, unemployed, indigent, corpse, mauled, incontinent, Darwin Award Winner, once-great, or departed.   #thedailyjeff (J)

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. #thedailyjeff

80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts... #thedailyjeff

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? #thedailyjeff

[DOG MAGICIAN] Think of a color, any color...let me guess…is it...gray? [OTHER DOG] oh my God…how did you guess that? #thedailyjeff

The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate. (Amigo) #thedailyjeff

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.” (Frank Sinatra) #thedailyjeff

When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Weren’t we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.  #thedailyjeff 

It's much easier - and more important - to turn a friendship into love, rather than love into friendship.   #thedailyjeff

Life is like a roller coaster. Without its downs, there wouldn't be any ups & nobody likes a roller coaster that only stays on one level. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

Was in the checkout line in Wal-Mart behind a guy buying underwear, dog treats and whiskey.  I don't even want to know how they are going to be used.  #thedailyjeff

I lost my mood ring today, not sure how I feel about it. (Stephen Wright) #thedailyjeff

I wonder if Bill Cosby is rethinking his quote:   “A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.” (Bill Cosby)   #thedailyjeff

The number of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.    #thedailyjeff

First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.  #thedailyjeff

Punctuation is important.  Consider these sentences"  Let's eat Gramma."  "Let's eat, Gramma."  Commas can save lives!    (an.) #thedailyjeff

Recommended name for a college seminar on preventing sexual assault:  “Thrust but verify.” #thedailyjeff (J)

I hope excellent manners become the next cool trend. #thedailyjeff

I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show her how good she has it.  #thedailyjeff

When God asks what you’ve done with your life, try not to say “Didn’t you read my Facebook statuses?”   #thedailyjeff

America gets called fat and stupid by all nations, and then beats the crap out of them in the Olympics.  Discuss…. #thedailyjeff

It makes more sense to dump Gatorade on the losing head coach. #thedailyjeff

As I said before, I never repeat myself. #thedailyjeff

Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.    #thedailyjeff

Jews must be excellent drivers.  I've driven all across the USA and see lots of those roadside memorials.  They are all crosses, but I’ve never seen a single Star of David.  I’m just saying that Christians must be crappy drivers. #thedailyjeff   (J)  

Women's magazines are so funny. 1: You're beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: You're fat and can lose 20 pounds in 10 days.  3. Why men are such pigs. 4. How to snag the man of your dreams.  #thedailyjeff

“I went to a restaurant that served breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the renaissance.” (Stephen Wright) #thedailyjeff

It’s really awkward when you hear your own voice on a recording and wonder how you even have friends.   #thedailyjeff

Please be sure to neuter your pets, weird friends and relatives.  #thedailyjeff

Some people suck the life out of any room they are in.  Wouldn't it be great if they could suck some fat too?  (Thanks to Lori Sterrett)  #thedailyjeff

How to write good: Avoid alliteration.  Always.  #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Avoid clichés like the plague.  They are old hat.  #thedailyjeff

One should never generalize.  #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary  #thedailyjeff

There should be a body shop called Auto Correct. How come other people don't think of stuff like this? #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. #thedailyjeff

How to write good:  Sentence fragments?  Eliminate. #thedailyjeff

Every time a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of.  #thedailyheff 

They say we hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid! #thedailyjeff

I was eating my daily apple and a doctor walked right up to me... My whole life has been a lie.  #thedailyjeff

They say "The only thing worse than hate is indifference."  I don't know what that means but I could care less.   #thedailyjeff

We can send a robot 136 million miles to Mars and remotely conduct complicated experiments, but I can't get a stupid vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar bill.  Explain that to me.  #thedailyjeff

"When I graduated from college I had a 4.0.  Unfortunately, that was my blood alcohol level, not my grade point average." (James Carville) #thedailyjeff

Apparently the first rule of the Vegan Club is to tell everybody about the Vegan Club.  #thedailyjeff

Consider this conundrum:  You could have a woman who is 5’5" that is a size 10 standing next to another woman who is 5'10" and a size 5.  How do you expect men to figure this out?  (Alonzo Bodden) #thedailyjeff

Apparently cluelessness is a sign of stupidity. I had no idea #thedailyjeff

Caveman coming out to his parents:  "Mom and Dad, I'm a gatherer"  #thedailyjeff (j)

Writing "Dictionary" for Broadway. It's a play on words   (an.) #thedailyjeff

Come on ladies.  Men have feelings too. For example, we feel hungry. #thedailyjeff

“…And that's when I realized, it wasn't the hamburger who needed help, it was me.”  - Excerpt from my unauthorized biography of Hamburger Helper.  #thedailyjeff

I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something. #thedailyjeff

They say you should get at least eight hours of beauty sleep per night.  But I say get more hours if you're ugly. #thedailyjeff

When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices. #thedailyjeff

Some people create their own storms, then complain when it rains.  (thanks to Ravel Todd) #thedailyjeff

 I find it awkward when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.  #thedailyjeff

If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood…..just thinking ... #thedailyjeff (J) 

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. You should never drink and derive.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

Why do baby clothes have pockets?  What could a baby possibly be carrying...a knife?  A cigar?  A cell phone?   #thedailyjeff

I think on my deathbed I'll tell everyone "pray for me." Then I'll give them an envelope to be opened after die with a note inside that says "Pray harder next time."  #thedailyjeff

I wonder if there is such a thing as positive version of Tourette's syndrome.  You know, instead of yelling curse words they scream things like "Have a nice day!" or "I love that outfit!"   #thedailyjeff

Saw these three things on a corner, in this order:  Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that? #thedailyjeff

The root of the word "Vegetarian" is derived from an ancient Indian word  meaning "poor hunter"  (An.) #thedailyjeff

Went to a foot doctor yesterday.  He lied.  He was way taller than that. #thedailyjeff

My kids have my wife's hair.  The shower drain has mine.  #thedailyjeff

They say you are what you eat. So I'm going to start eating skinny people #thedailyjeff

Auto correct has to be my worst enema. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Why do people keep asking dogs "who’s a good girl?" My dog told me she thinks the question is patronizing. #thedailyjeff

Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home. (an.) #thedailyjeff

I don't dance anymore because the last time I did it they thought I was having a seizure and called the paramedics. #thedailyjeff

Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible   #thedailyjeff

"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."  (Henry David Thoreau)  OK, I'll give you one minute of my time for a DeWalt 12 In. Single-Bevel Compound Miter Saw.  #thedailyjeff

Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too. #thedailyjeff

“It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.” (e.e. cummings)  Jeff says, it takes even more courage to wear that "Cat fancier" t-shirt, those shorts, suspenders, black socks and Crocs. #thedailyjeff

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.(An.)  #thedailyjeff

All generalizations are false, including this one.  #thedailyjeff

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?  #thedailyjeff

Dear Algebra:  Stop asking us to find X.  She is not coming back. (An.) #thedailyjeff

A friend told me that the best way to clean car windows is with alcohol.  After 4 drinks I wasn't sure if my windows were clean, but I no longer cared.  #thedailyjeff

One of the ironies of parenting.  You teach your kids to be strong and independent.  But when they are strong and independent with you, it pisses you off.   #thedailyjeff

Someone asked me to explain particle physics "In my own words."  Apparently English wouldn't work.  So here goes:  Eoieur gn weoiru tuoiut.  Freuw tiun sdfb 32.  Qweuir bfuew tt rwhwoeiubtgoiubgt.  Is that clear?  #thedailyjeff

Seems like every time a tornado lands it hits a trailer park, the media interviews some toothless, fat guy in a ripped t-shirt and cutoffs holding a Chihuahua.  My idea:  Build decoy trailer parks just outside of town, complete with fake people, so the tornado hits it before it does any real harm.  You're welcome Oklahoma.  #thedailyjeff

Men would cuddle a lot more if women smelled like Barbecue.  You're welcome ladies.  #thedailyjeff

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it. (an.) #thedailyjeff

Imagine a world where there were no hypothetical situations. #thedailyjeff

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. #thedailyjeff

If black boxes survive air crashes – why don’t they make the whole plane out of the stuff? (George Carlin) #thedailyjeff

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.  #thedailyjeff

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.   #thedailyjeff

The hardest lesson I ever learned:  Never miss a good chance to shut up.  #thedailyjeff

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. (George Burns)  #thedailyjeff

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.  (Emo Phillips)  #thedailyjeff

Raisins are just vegetarian jerky. #thedailyjeff

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” (Jim Carrey.) #thedailyjeff

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”  (Benjamin Franklin)  #thedailyjeff

Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one. #thedailyjeff

“When I die I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did in his sleep - not screaming like the passengers in his car.”   (Bob Monkhouse) #thedailyjeff

Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don’t get it. Moving on.  #thedailyjeff

California leads the nation in pot production and BigFoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not...   #thedailyjeff

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? (An.) #thedailyjeff

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.  #thedailyjeff

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.  #thedailyjeff

I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. (J) #thedailyjeff

Not really sure what anti-oxidants are, but I'm also against them.  (J) #thedailyjeff

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help. (An.) #thedailyjeff

Dear Math. Solve your own damn problems. (An.) #thedailyjeff

I worried about karma until I realized that if I did bad things to other people they deserve it. (An.)  #thedailyjeff

I don't need 6 pack abs.  I already have a keg.   #thedailyjeff

Hard to concentrate on anything with Arbor Day so close.  #thedailyjeff

I'm writing a book called "Stop Overreacting". If you guys don't buy it I'm going to kill myself.  #thedailyjeff

 

Marriage is kind of like playing the stock market.  You have to pay attention & invest in it to make sure you get positive long-term gains. And getting out always results in a loss.  #thedailyjeff (J)

I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert. #thedailyjeff

Slept like a baby last night, meaning I woke up like every two hours.  #thedailyjeff

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

Why isn't the word phonetic spelled the way it sounds?  #thedailyjeff

Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.   #thedailyjeff

My friend told me that he got bronchitis. I wish I had a dinosaur.  #thedailyjeff

It's always a little disconcerting when you check in to an airline flight -- trusting them with your life -- and they are still using computers running Windows 95. #thedailyjeff

I remember a time when people actually had faces and real books.  #thedailyjeff

If swimming is such great cardio, explain manatees. #thedailyjeff

“Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?” (Emo Phillips) #thedailyjeff

My therapist told me I lack focus. I told him I liked his new desk.  #thedailyjeff

Oh, I almost forgot.  My mom told me to tell you guys hi. #thedailyjeff

Why are they called "hemorrhoids". They should be called "asteroids"? (An.) #thedailyjeff

Hey smartphone owners! That blurred bit just off the edge of the screen is called life.  (J)  #thedailyjeff


My 2019 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.   #thedailyjeff

Say what you will about Kristen Stewart's acting abilities, but I'm willing to bet she'd kick some serious ass in a poker game.   #thedailyjeff

My wife texted our daughter that we were going to Office Depot but auto correct changed it to "orgy depot." Awkward.  # thedailyjeff (J)

They say that age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.  Fortunately with age also comes forgetfulness.  So even fewer things matter.  #thedailyjeff (J)

My new rule. Never eat more ice cream than you can carry.  #thedailyjeff  (J)

"Listen up, I'm only going to show you this once!" ~ suicide bomber teacher. "OK, just one more time."  ~ really bad suicide bomber teacher   #thedailyjeff (J)

Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.  #thedailyjeff

Every time you make a "your momma" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.  #thedailyjeff

I can't get a mobile signal in my office, yet terrorists have no problem sending videos from caves. Do they have a better carrier than I do? #thedailyjeff (J)

It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian "kill" scores, but actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine ASAP to avoid any further confusion.   #thedailyjeff

My doctor checked my fitness level and said I was getting atrophy.  I never got a fitness award before!  (an.) #thedailyjeff

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.  (RD) #thedailyjeff

"I read a study that said your ability in math is passed down genetically through your parents.  Well, at least that gives my kid a 40/40 chance of being good at it." (Larry the Cable Guy) #thedailyjeff

I don't know why we send regular civilians to war.  Our prisons are full of ruthless gang members who already know how to use guns and have little value for human life. Why not just turn them loose on Al Qaeda.  This gets the job done and gives the prisoners something to do.  Booya! Prison AND terrorist problem solved.  You're welcome.   #thedailyjeff (J)

Going through life totally ignorant must be the only way to find true happiness.  #thedailyjeff

Was watching an action movie this weekend where the world was going to end because of a bomb made by the villian.  The hero wasn’t sure if he should clip the red wire or the blue one.  Here's a thought.  Why don't movie villains just make their bombs where the wires are all the same color? #thedailyjeff

Well, I've officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life. #thedailyjeff

I doubt I'll ever get accepted into the optimist club.  (an.) #thedailyjeff

 I don't know where the saying "working like a dog" got started. I'm looking at my dog's daily routine and she sleeps all day, chases a few squirrels, barks at the Fedex guy, and eats.  I'm feeling pretty jealous. #thedailyjeff

Oddly rational quite:  "Unfortunately we are not equipped with hindsight in advance." #thedailyjeff

"The fundamentalists have taken all the fun out of mental."  Ken Kesey #thedailyjeff

A friend of mine told me he got a new Thesaurus…Man, I wish I had a dinosaur too!   (an.)  #thedailyjeff

I used to want beauty sleep. Now I just want skinny sleep.   #thedailyjeff

Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.   #thedailyjeff

The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate. (Amigo) #thedailyjeff

“Never eat more than you can lift.” (Miss Piggy)

I heard someone say “The 90s called, they want their shirt back." So I’m thinking, why didn't the 90s call and warn us about 9/11? #thedailyjeff

I want to put a new term out there:  “The theory of subtractive information.”  This occurs when we are provided with more information than we actually need (like from the internet or about people), but not enough to understand or use or even care. Do you like this idea?  © #thedailyjeff

Why do we even ask rhetorical questions? #thedailyjeff

Guys, when a woman asks, “What are you thinking?” that's a trick question. Shut up and ask her how she got so beautiful. #thedailyjeff

AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series. #thedailyjeff

Thanks for sharing a photo of your dinner with me on Facebook. Apparently we don't have dinners where I live. #thedailyjeff

I've been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people. #thedailyjeff

Fear the man wearing Crocs and black socks, for he has nothing left to lose. #thedailyjeff

If you see a car with lots of dents, it says one of three things:  Horribly bad driver, no insurance, or someone that has nothing to live for.  In any case, avoid them.

When asked, “What is your favorite meat?”  Mitt Romney replied, “My favorite is hot dogs.  The second is hamburgers.”  Question:  Are these meats, or in some cases, even made of meat?

Yes, this is a real thing:  Woman Creates ‘Rooffee,’ A Coffee For Dogs. Her comment:  “Unfortunately, I haven’t Googled it well.” https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/rooffee-dog-coffee_us_59f39228e4b03cd20b81a371  #thedailyjeff

This product warning thing has gotten out of hand.  I bought a jar of peanut butter yesterday and it clearly says on the label:  “May contain nuts.”  Well…duh!  #thedailyjeff

Cultural degradation or erosion

I’m planning to be a lot more spontaneous tomorrow.

I’m having difficulty understanding the new commercials for Cadlilliac.  They say “We don’t meet your expectations, we defy them.”  Generally, the word “Defy” means to challenge the power of; resist boldly or openly; to offer effective resistance to.  So they are saying they don’t care what I want, they’re going to do what they want, right?

I was trying to think of a term to use for people who really like to ride bikes, but “Pedalphelia” just didn’t sound right.

Fake falls in the World Cup are just embarrassing. Here are some examples from soccer around the world.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjyqCqiMc0M

“A cheap friend bragged, ‘Hey, what do you think I got this outfit for?’ I said, I don’t know…Halloween?” (Louie Anderson)  #thedailyjeff

Do you “converse” or ‘conversate”?  The latter drives me nuts, but unfortunately it IS a real word.  My theory is that when people are conversing, they use “conversate” in order to sound smarter or something.  My vote:  Don’t conversate.   #thedailyjeff

Two important words that give perspective when you beat yourself up in life:  “OVER” – Once it’s over it’s over.  There’s no use in playing the “what if” game.  And “NEXT” – once it’s over move on to the next thing and do better next time.

Isn’t Kanye West today’s version of Forrest Gump?

“The most dangerous phrase in the language is, 'We've always done it this way.” (Grace Hopper, Mathematician, Military Leader, Computer Programmer who helped develop a compiler that was a precursor to the widely used COBOL language)

 

You are the sum of every decision you make.  Bad decisions = terrible life.  Good decisions = good life.  #thedailyjeff

Just heard the greatest potential name for a hearing aid company:  Isabelle Ringing.  #thedailyjeff

“I spent $500 for a handjob in Las Vegas once.  My brother said he needed the money.”  (Daniel Tosh)  #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: Bessie Braddock: "Winston, you are drunk!"
Churchill: "You're right, Bessie. And you're ugly. But tomorrow morning, I'll be sober, and you'll still be ugly."
  #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: Noel Coward: "You look almost like a man."
Edna Ferber: "So do you."
  #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: Lewis Morris: "There's a conspiracy against me, a conspiracy of silence. But what can we do? What should I do?" Oscar Wilde: "Join it."   #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: Random man: "I can't bear fools." Dorothy Parker: "Apparently, your mother could."

Greatest comeback lines in history: Actress: "I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?"   Ilka Chase: "Darling, I'm so glad that you liked it. Who read it for you?”   #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: Audience member: "What do you think of the singer's execution?" Calvin Coolidge: "I'm all for it."  #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: A House member, after rubbing Longworth's bald head: "Nice and smooth, feels just like my wife's bottom." Nicolas Longworth, after running his own hand over his head: "Indeed, it does!"  #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: Parliament member: "Mr. Prime Minister, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?"
Winston Churchill: "No, it's purely voluntary." R
  #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: Reporter: "What do you think of Western civilization?"
Mohandas Gandhi: "I think it would be a wonderful idea." A
  #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: Fritz Hollings, when challenged by his Republican opponent for Senate to take a drug test: "I'll take a drug test if you'll take an IQ test."   #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: Jealous man, after whipping out his man parts: "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?"
Truman Capote: "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."
  #thedailyjeff

Greatest comeback lines in history: Dorothy Parker, after a journalist requested an interview: "Tell him I'm too f*cking busy -- or vice versa."  #thedailyjeff

Hunter S. Thompson, on presidential candidate Hubert Humphrey: "They don't make 'em like that any more -- but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway." #thedailyjeff

John Adams: "In my many years, I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a Congress." #thedailyjeff

If a photo is truly great, then whether it is in color or not is just a distraction. #thedailyjeff

Word of the day:  splenetic (spləˈnedik) adjective:  bad-tempered; spiteful.

As in "the President had a splenetic outburst" #thedailyjeff

 

“He’s just a bull carrying his own china shop with him whenever he travels the world,” (presidential historian Douglas Brinkley) #thedailyjeff

 

Word nerd:  Are you “afraid” or “scared?”  While used interchangeably, both verbs mean different things. Scared means imminent fear.  Afraid means future anxiety or apprehension – more of a future state.  You might be afraid of spiders, but when one crawls on your hand it scares you.  #thedailyjeff

A strategy still used by politicians today: “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”  (Harry Truman)  #thedailyjeff

 

To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.  (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Common sense is like deodorant.  Those who need it the most are the ones that don’t use it. (An.) #thedailyjeff

 

Sometimes in order to be happy all you need is $500 million. (An.) #thedailyjeff